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Survivor: Vanuatu episode 11 recap

Leann getting voted off makes turkey taste better. I suggest everyone tries it

...baste a 15 lb. SN week 11 for 8 hours until golden brown...

I had a moment of clarity on Thursday. It was either the beer, the plate of turkey, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, cream corn, rice, gravy, rolls, stuffing, cranberry, macaroni and cheese, or the plate of pumpkin pie, pumpkin cheese cake, mud pie, and more beer. Whatever is was out of that stuff I ate (before Thanksgiving dinner), something finally clicked. No, I didn't realize Ami was gay until this episode. Yes, it does explain her behavior thus far. Yes, I was laughing my cloaked-in-darkness, ninja nuts off when that expression came across her face during tribal. My nin-laws (yes, ninja in-laws) were all laughing about it, and throwing shurkeins, because it was funny and that's what ninjas do. I have never bonded with them like that before. It was obvious when we were fighting pirates and flying around later that night. But I digress...

Reward was expected. What better time for CBS to show off loved ones than on Thanksgiving? The whole "satellite" routine was lame. Yeah, Jeff, you got us -wink,wink-. You're sooooo sneaky. Way to embaress Twila there, Jeff. You feel like a big man now? Like to make the ladies cry, huh Jeff? I haven't invoked the power of Rupert in a while, but I'll do it. (side note: to all ninjas - Rupert is the only pirate allowed to live after the great reckoning.) He'll Hawaiian Sling your ass like it's nobody's business. Anyway, everyone got to meet Eliza's mom, which is probably why they wanted her gone. We definitely see where she picked up her more annoying habits, like breathing.

Immunity was interesting. Leann's whimsical antics with her "friend" paved the way for her to go home. Chris fought hard, but came up short to the Birkenstock wrecking crew of Ami and mate. Everyone was just thrilled to have a loved one there, and what better way to make them feel welcome and thank them than by blind-folding them, screaming at them, and making them look like bumbling fools on a national medium. Way to go, CBS; FOX ain't got poop on you!

All kidding aside, do you think CBS stacked the women's side with gay ladies to try and cause commotion and drama? It would make perfect sense. An all-woman alliance that actually didn't want a man in their corral. That's exactly how it went down, too. Also take note that the straight women, Dolly, Mia, Lisa, all got voted out. CBS, you sly dog. Did you really think we wouldn't notice? I bet you didn't account for the utter cowardice and uselessness of Chris to gum up the works. Lesbian #2 Leann (Rory was one) got the boot after she spoke the magic words, "Immunity doesn't really matter." Let's make a list for the viewers new to survivor experience. These phrases will guarantee that you get voted out at tribal council:
- I'm in control
- I'm the deciding vote
- I don't need immunity
- I'm the biggest threat out here (typically said by those who really suck)
- I know exactly what's going on
- I have no clue what's going on
- I hate Rupert (will get you shot in some circles)
- I know who I can trust
- We have the majority
- I quit (Osten, you puss)
- Hi, I'm Alisa (see Australia, All-Star)

Chris - Give the "swearing on my families' lives" routine a rest. Nobody's buying it. Plus, if your family dies, they'll know you were lying.

Julie - Make a choice. Ami is the prettier, but Twila will beat your ass. Fem or Butch, Julie? Which will it be? Seriously, watch your back because you're straight, and they'll vote you off in a heartbeat.

Ami - Have you ever spilled coffee on someone, and they asked you if could do it again because the pain helped the aliens in their head make decisions like how often I should breathe and where to stab dogs? No. Well, I imagine you would make a face similar to the one you made when you heard each vote for Leann. SUCKA!!

Scout - Who's more sad? The most worthless woman in the world, or the one who sleeps with the most useless woman in the world? The only real loser is the bed. GROSS ZING!

Twila - A son?!?!? Safe money had you swing from the other side of the plate. After your dental display at the last immunity challenge, I figured you for a hard-core woman slayer, but I guess you got a soft spot for the stiff parts. Still, who saw that coming?

Eliza - You're mom almost got you kicked out. Who could be more annoying than Eliza? The woman that spawned her, that's who, mister! How come Eliza is the only one who asked for a parent, and everyone else asked for a lover? (Twila, I'm not ignorant. I know you broke up with your son two weeks ago.)

Leann - Your friend? Come on. You're not fooling anyone.

Seriously, she's just your friend? Oh, ok. Grade school together, right

No, really. You can tell me. She's not maybe a little, more than a friend? Leann....Lee...

Come on, I really wanna know. Honestly, you kiss her and junk, right? No Leann, friends don't kiss like that.

Alright, I'll drop it.

Seriously, you had sex with her, didn't you

Well, apparently Leann's not talking. Seems silence could have been her new "friend" at tribal council. Don't worry Leann, you have all the hangout time you can handle now that you're not winning the game, ever. SECOND ZING!!!

Well, turkey's coming out. Gotta run. Tune in next week when:
1) Chris comes out of the closet
2) Julie comes out of the closet
3) Eliza comes out of the closet
4) Ami says she was just kidding about the whole gay thing
5) Dah bring his new boyfriend, Deh, to the camp
6) Jeff gets in fight with Deh over earrings that Dah got in tree mail.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 10 recap

Just when I thought everything was going to get better, I made the mistake of watching Survivor last night.

Week #10 (guitar riffs) you'll be a woman, soon

Well, the testosterone levels are dropping on Vanuatu as Chad, an inspiration for alcoholic amputees everywhere, finally resigned as village idiot last night. In an ironic twist, the only man left on the island is Scout, thanks to Chris' gender swap after the last tribal council.

The reward challenge was not new or exciting, just more ropes. Reward was ok, if you're big on National Geographic Explorer or big on little kids singing poorly in English. The tribe welcomed the white devils with a traditional drink known as Kava, which roughly translates into, "knock you on yo ass with one blow." This, combined with the offering of raw chicken and cow entrails, was all part of a big miscommunication. Apparently, a tired translator told the tribe's chief that these people were on Fear Factor, and not Survivor, which explains why they were trying to make them throw up instead of rewarding them.

Immunity challenge was a surprise. They have started the endurance challenges early this season. If you think about it, having to wake everyday to Scout singing some old hippie song is probably an feat of endurance all on it's own. Twila's childhood came in handy (every Christmas, she got a chew toy) as she held on with everything she could to win. Scout hung on way longer than I had thought, which is to say, I thought she would just take the ladder back down as soon as the challenge started. Chad, showing intelligence not yet displayed this game, used his 2 thighs, instead of his 1 lower leg, to hang on longer than almost everyone.

People scrambled, Scout plotted, but the power of Ami and her puppets was too strong. Chris, the rat bastard that he is, weaseled his way out of another vote, and Chad hobbled down the walk of shame. The only real winner was Sarge, who didn't have to put up with that BS anymore.

Chris - I'm surprised you didn't vote for Chad, all the other women were doing it. Trans-gender ZING!!!

Scout - You tried to make up for the fact that you're a worthless wrinkle bag by formulating a plan with the guys. Nice try and thanks. Why thanks? Because you just put a big target on your back, dummy.

Leann - If you don't grow a spine sometime soon, you're not going to win this game. Make a decision for yourself every now and then. Don't wait on Ami to tell you what to do.

Julie - Same goes for you, sweetie. You were doing so well, had a strong game and everything. Now, after a bottle of champagne and some chicken wings, you fall into the lap of Ami via Leann's influence. Plus, Ami knows that your perky rack and tight rear doesn't have any effect on the other women, except for Scout, but you don't want any of that action. Trust me on that one.

Eliza - You know what's going on around you, but your street cred is terrible. Start showing others that you're not just another mouth to feed, and you may get farther than you originally planned, which was "voted out at week 3", if I'm not mistaken.

Ami - What drugs do you put in the food to make everyone a mindless idiot follower? I'm just curious because I have some thug kids that live down the street, and I want them to do some yardwork for me.

Chad -I don't see how you mustered the IQ points to even fill out the application to get on Survivor, much less make it as long as you did. You were as much of a token player, like Rory and Scout. One question: How did you keep sand out of your cool leg, honestly? I mean, did that thing every kink up on you? The best thing you have going right now is sponsership. Call Ottobock. It's the world's largest manufacturer of prostetics. They have a limo waiting for you when this gig is over.

That's all. Turkey Day is fast approaching, and I'm not sure whether we'll see the happy cast next week, or they'll give us the mandatory recap show with bloopers and stuff, but I'll be here either way, reviewing Survivor: Thanksgiving

Tune in next week when:
1) Turkey forms an alliance with stuffing, with delicious results, until cranberry finds out.
2) Rolls and corn bread go head-to-head in the reward challenge; winner gets gravy
3) White rice has a fight with green beans, while sweet potatoes takes advantage of the situation.
4) In the closest vote yet, pumpkin pie is voted out of my colon
5) Survivor Ninja naps with a half-eaten turkey sandwich on his lap, fo' shizzle.

Happy Thanksgiving, and for those who don't celebrate, come over anyway. We got turkey for your heathen ass!!!

Survivor: Vanuatu ep9 recap... for real this time

Due to the huge fan response for me to continue writing reviews, I took some time for meditation to refocus my energies, and I am now ready to tear into the most revolting cast on Survivor to date.

I have a cousin who eats dirt and talks to trees. He cries when he sees frogs and laughs at cars. He's more intelligent than all three, oops, I mean two, guys that are left in the game.

week #9, and getting worse

This has got to be the worst Survivor crew I have ever seen. I think they lowered their standards when casting this season. Lower than Thailand, you say? Yes, even lower than Thailand. The reward challenge was key to figuring out how stupid the guys are. There was obvious tension between Eliza and Scout, the Man-Haters' mascot, but instead of using her for another vote, Chad suggested that they get rid of her. Am I taking crazy pills? Did he just say what I thought he said? Man, that's dumb. That's standing out in the rain dumb. That playing in traffic dumb. That's not voting off Chris who costs us the first challenge dumb.

Immunity was no better. It was another brain challenge, which we knew the guys would not win. With no real surprise, all three sat down after the first round. Ami won immunity. She was probably the person who needed it the least. The guys didn't even try. They just floundered, like usual. It was embarrassing for anybody who currently owns a penis.

Chad - Obviously, you're not a leader. You're not even a good follower. You haven't won immunity yet, and I'd bet money that you won't. You might as well bow out during the next vote and save some time.

Chris - You yellow-bellied, back-stabbing S.O.B. Congratulations. Your cowardice bought you 3 - 6 more days. You don't win money for that, dumbass. I can't say this enough, but you should not be there to begin with, now you turn on Sarge. May you rot in hell for all eternity for what you've done. You are dead in the eyes of Rupert.

Leann - You need to start focusing on the prize which is Ami leaving ASAP. You could very easily rally the others against her. Instead, you're going to leave with a pat on the back, and a "Better luck next time" ringing in your ear.

Eliza - You could have had an honest shot at the million, but you choose to vote with the same group of women that hate you. You're like a female two-legged Chad.

Scout - Please, don't sing to Sarge, he'll only kill you quicker.

Ami - You're a puppet-master, I'll give you that. But, you're blinded by that power. Julie may come from behind and hamstring you if you're not careful. I'll be watching, laughing at your dumb-ass.

Twila - You're seen more as one of the guys than one of the girls. Scout may try and keep you around for sexual favors, but that's you're only usefulness to her.

Julie - You may be less attractive than before because of your betrayal, but I've still got my money on you for winning the whole thing.

Sarge - You played the best game possible, for a dumb bastard. Military Intelligence, you ain't.

Sir, ZING, Sir!

Well, that's all I could do for this episode. I'm sorry I got upset. I can't stay mad at you, Survivor. We both need to change, that's all.

Tune in next week when:
1) I threaten to never write another review, again.
2) Chad finally figured out he's by himself, as Jeff is snuffing his torch.
3) Dah and Rupert show Chris the true meaning of Christmas, then pummel him for being so freakin' stupid.
4) Scout gets another wrinkle, but no one notices.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 9 recap

This will be the last review for the Vanuatu season of Survivor. I refuse to continue to watch stupid people make increasingly bad decisions every single week and pretend like I'm not offended. Hell yeah, I'm offended! I may be a ninja, but I'm also a man, dammit. These guys are trying to make me (not really me, but the rest of you guys) look very stupid. "Let's get Eliza out." WTF!?!?!?! Are you on crazy pills?!?!? Did you really just say that? You have to be the stupidest SOB on the face of the planet to not IMMEADIATELY think how you could easliy use Twila and Eliza to get the
numbers.

Chris - You're the biggest coward, the worst player, and the lamest excuse for a Survivor I have ever seen. You're a combination of the worst parts of Sruvivor-Thailand and Dah's dirty loin clothes. You're are the single reason
why this season sucks. You're not worthy to carry Scout's feces (anyone reading my blog knows how much I like Scout).

Chad- You're as smart as Scout is young. I have all my limbs, but I'm insulted that you represent people with physical deformity. You should beat yourself to death with the good leg. You're not worthy of the fake one.

Sarge- I know I really shouldn't have to tell you this, but being a military man, TELL ALL YOUR TROOPS THE PLAN BEFORE YOU ENACT IT. Chris apparently had zero confidence in you as a leader, and I don't blame him.

To the women- Chicken wings. Wow, you showed those guys, huh?

That's it. I hate this season. If I ever see this season out in the streets, it's on.

Recap???

Due to unforseen drunkedness, the review will be posted this weekend by Sunday night. We apologize for this, and alcoholism in general.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 8 recap

It's true what they say: Men are from Mars, Women are from some super-intelligent planet lightyears ahead of the Man planet.

Stop picking at week #8, or it'll never get better...

What can I say? Guys are dumb, especially these guys. This week, we saw the beginning of the end for the remaining guys. Here's what I don't understand... How in the hell do you let a coffee barista (which is another name for "no real job") take control and rally all the women behind her? If these women were a little more assertive, and less like lemmings, they might figure out that she needs to go before she breaks away and runs for the million. I was very disappointed in all the guys. They should have known better, and they make all guys look weak and submissive. I didn't see this episode until Mrs. Ninja was finished watching O.C. and North Shore, but once she went to bed, you-know-who took control. I could teach those guys a thing or two.

Reward: Sweets. I just don't get it. I need a job thinking of rewards for these challenges. I mean, you give them a huge cake, knowing that they're about to merge. What's the point? Everyone ate cake. How is that a reward? Oh, it was a day old. I understand now. The "losers" had to eat day old cake, where as the "winners" ate delicious...um...not day old cake. So I guess they really did win. Take that, Scout!!!

Sarge: What exactly were you thinking? First you try and take Twila from Chris. Then, Jon's torch isn't even cold yet, and you're getting all close on Julie. "She sat between my legs." Yeah, and I'm sure you weren't bright enough to see she's playing you. For Rupert's sake, man, they got you to go bare-ass on the beach. You're a puppy dog to them. I hope, for your sake, you keep winning immunity.

Twila: They gave you food, shelter, treated you like one of the guys, and this is how you repay them? You make me sick (technically, you've always made me sick, but now we all see the doo-doo in your soul).

Chad: Apparently, male intelligence can be linked to a fully functioning right leg.

Chris: I know I keep coming back to this, but why am I still looking at you? There's no way in hell you should be there. But then again, Scout is still there, so I see your point. Touché. Also, that leg joke was awesome. There's not better way to bond with an Extremity Deficient American (gotta be PC) than to poke fun at it, and then play it off like it was an accident.

Scout: No sh!t you're overjoyed to see the other women. That means you can ride that wave until the final four. I hate you.

Leann: Put the coffee in the coffee maker, add water, and press the button. There, you're now an official coffee barista. See how easy it is? You now have all the skills necessary to lead the women.

Eliza: I don't know why you were smiling during the vote. The only reason you're still there is because you were born without a penis (which is still up for debate) ZING!!!

Scout: Did I mention that I hate you?

Julie: If you win, I will not be surprised. Next to Sarge, I hope it's you. You have used your body and smarts to manipulate every aspect of the game. Pulling the wool over the guy's eyes, brilliant. Fooling Twila into re-allying with you, brilliant. Getting Sarge to go bare-ass, brill...no, gross...really, very gross. Don't do that any more, please.

Ami: You're Stalin, Hitler, and Magneto rolled into one getting-less-attractive-every-day body. May you rot in hell for all eternity for your hatred towards men. But enough with the compliments...

Scout: Alinta? WTF!?!? I hate you even more for that.

Rory aka Chocolate Thunder: You had it. You had the guys back. All you had to do was swing one lady. That's all. Eliza would have been easy, she's been wishy-washy from day one. Twila and Julie, might have been a challenge, but still easy. Even if you got one lady to vote another way, and not had the vote go in your favor, you would have disrupted the harmony of the NBA (No Balls Alliance). It's hard to say, but I hate to see you go. You've been very easy to make fun of. You're a walking joke. I hope you didn't get beat up when you got home.

I'm starting to hate this season, but as a ninja, who's gonna tell me otherwise. It ain't you, sucka!

Tune in next week, where:

1) I get even more upset as another guy goes home
2) I stop watching Survivor until next season.
3) Chad loses an ass-kicking contest
4) Ami's love for coffee overcomes her hatred of men, and she runs off with Juan Valdez to the mountains of Columbia (Ok, that's a stretch, but I just hope Ami leaves soon.)