Extra! Extra! Survivor Ninja calls it quits! Read all about it!

I don't think I'll be doing this anymore.

To my die hard fans, yeah, right. I have no die hard fans. You figured in the 2 and a half seasons I've been doing this, I'd get at least one freakin' e-mail, or a "nice work" from some random, web-wandering moron. But, alas, no one answered my calls, wrote to me, or even told me I was a sophomoric, immature, insensitive jerk. Hate mail woulda have been nice. It would have at least told me that someone was reading this crap every week. Man, that woulda been cool. Nothing ever came, so I must move on. I have some things on my plate right now, as you've probably figured, and I feel like I'm forcing these reviews. It began as a labor, or labor (if you like u's, uuuuuse them Ha ha..shit), of love, but now if feels like a task, something I HAVE to do. Truth is, I did it because I a) enjoyed it, and b) had loads of time screwing around and shunning my responsibilities. I've reorganized my thought process, and realize that I'm not getting out of this what I originally wanted, so I'm choosing to discontinue the weekly review.

With the impending loss of Probst, and seasons 13 and 14 on the way, I'm just gonna watch it like the rest of you, and keep my opinion to myself, and a few loved ones. I plan on sending in an application for the new seasons, regardless of the "female former cast member" they choose to fill Jeff's 9-inch shoes (if you didn't get that reference, you should Google "Probst Blue Ribbon", and you'll see what I mean). But for the review, I'm afraid this is the end.

I'm not saying it'll go down forever, but it will take an act of God, or a handful of support letters, to keep me going. I'll leave open the e-mail address, survivorninja@hotmail.com for anyone who wants to send a letter, thank me for ending this insanity, or would just wanna say thanks for any laughs my review may have caused. For those of you who have been faithful since the inception, I do appreciate your time and your loyalty. If anyone is interesting in receiving a newsletter when I find out stuff about former cast members, the new season, or whatever, send me an e-mail with the subject line: Newsletter. I'll get back to you with anything new I have.

Again, thanks for all your time. And remember, it's not you, it's me. We can still be friends, right? I'm keeping the dog, though.

Later,
Matt aka The Survivor Ninja
survivorninja@hotmail.com

Survivor: Guatemala episode 6 recap

A little beer goes a long way, especially if your Judd's mouth

Week #6 or Budweiser makes Judd dumber.

Golden boy got a little cocky, and his alliance saw this. Gary, Amy, and Brian were happy about the face value to the other tribe that the Blake exodus would have. Let's hope that pans out for them. As Yaxha worried about the ramifications of Blake's demise, Nakum, fought the invisible terrors. No, not rafe's sneaky "night hands", were talking bugs. Margaret stayed depressed about Brooke's leave, and it shows in everything she does, or rather, everything she doesn’t do. Her stock dropped seriously when Judd went AWOL on her hopes and dreams, and she's making herself a target. Glad to see that, Rupert willing, we won't see another Scout scenario, where
someone very undeserving gets to the top of the heap.

The challenge was both reward and immunity. An old fashioned, backyard cookout was the reward. The loser got nothing. What's that Jeff? There's more? You bet your sweet little buff there is! The winning team would compete in individual immunity. Why, Jeff? Because you're all going to tribal tonight, bitches! Both tribes would be going to council, and the one wearing immunity would be able to sit in on the losing team's last moments together. I love this game. The challenge itself involved pushing a huge
ball through the opposing team's goal, kinda like a retarded football. Judd should be good at this. SHORT BUS ZING! 2 on 2 action as the ball get handled. Yeah, I know the obvious joke would be to point out Rafe and Brian's experience with ball handling, but I'm not going there? Or did I already? Anyway, things looked kinda scary when Judd and Jamie bested BJ and Brandon. A celebratory scream from Jamie threw BJ in a "hissy fit" as it were, and the two of them were in each other's faces. BJ smelt the tenacity on Jamie, and Jamie smelt Brian's anus on BJ. ALWAYS A GAY JOKE ZING! Bj's tribe was confused, but not so much when they realized that it was BJ, and not some sane, rational human being. Steph and Judd took on Gary and Amy, or the "dying hopes" alliance. Amy hurt her ankle, AGAIN, and had to tough it out. Jeff could have cared less, but then again, he IS Jeff, and he has been doing this stuff for a while.* Amy immediately had to compete again, and she and Danni took it to Cindy and Margaret, showing conclusively that Cindy and Danni are equal, and that Margaret is less useful than an injured Amy. Figures. Judd and Jamie again took it to the promise land when they won it for Nakum. Yaxha left with visions of burgers swimming through their heads, and Nakum stayed to go through a physical, puzzle challenge. A word scramble, a staple in every season, was the determining factor. Judd, in a surprise move, couldn't figure out the puzzle (not that part; no shit Judd couldn't figure it out), when he helped Rafe solve the puzzle, and take the immunity. That really only helped Judd, because he showed his pride in his new alliance. Rafe didn't benefit because he was in no real threat of being sent home, and the only real intel he would bring back from the council of Yaxha would be how their outfits didn't match their shoes.

Jamie recapped his BJ encounter. It was dismissed as being crazy BJ again. Bj recalled the incident as Jamie being a bad winner, and that he had no rope cutting ability. Let it go, BJ, just let it go. Amy's ankle is being held on by only skin, and BJ worried about Jamie’s celebrating? What a poon! Discussion continued at Yaxha about who to hose, and theories emerged. Brian's name came up, as well as injured Amy. Brian's the smarter player, and could fend for himself. On the other hand, Amy needs Gary to survive. Biggest leech I've ever seen. Seriously, I accidentally changed the channel to Discover, and saw a huge leech, but Amy sucks equally as well. The Nakum tribe had less to be worried about, their main concern was who drank all the beers. Judd's favors and Judd's math left him to a majority of the sweet,
sweet nectar, and it would bite him in the ass later. Margaret used the opportunity to pick at Judd's confused state to make him look like a brute to the rest of the tribe. Margaret threw around the word, conundrum, but Judd told them he doesn't know how to play the drums, so he couldn't have drank the most beers. What a trooper he is! He deserved it, Margaret, You had hot dogs and hamburgers, right Margaret? Well, Judd got that for you....and Jamie...and the rest of the tribe that worked hard. Pretty much everyone except Cindy and Lydia, who are constantly not involved due to their lack of physical prowess. Well, at least she can fish... I mean, she can cut
fruit. Yeah, she can cut the hell outta some fruit.

Tribal was rough for Nakum. Judd's rosey cheeks set the pace for his soon-to-come outbursts. He gave his "damn" all, and was a good sportsmanship, man. That's what he's doing man, that's what he's doing. Judd would continue to spout "sportsmanship", "damn", and "man" for the duration of the conversation. Margaret got the best of him and allowed him to persistently interrupt and accuse and intimidate the others. Rafe felt the blunt of Judd's drunken wrath. What did he have to worry about? He had
freakin' immunity! Nothing Judd said was going to get to him. With all her poking and targeting, Margaret still got the boot, leaving Cindy open for a near future dismissal. We'll have to wait to see how it happens from here. Cindy's best action was to vote for Margaret. That might give her enough cool points to survive.

Yaxha, on the other hand, had a strong group, and the numbers of old vs new were even, 3 on 3. Bobby Jon was immediately asked about the confrontation with Jamie, and BJ, of course, had a lame answer. "I'm from the South" only works when you're in the South, BJ. Brian was referred to as a "kamikaze who can bust a wedge" by the wordsmith that is Bobby Jon. They all had strong words of humiliation and respect for him, which would sway us to feel sorry for Amy's soon departure. Jeff, smelling this in the air (that's Bj you smell, Jeff) prodding for feelings of Amy's injury. Jeff has a knack for pointing out weakness when decisions are being made. Jeff threw another curve when he allowed Rafe to give one Yaxha member immunity. Of course, it
would be kept secret until the votes were read. Go with his fellow gaymate, or go for something else, maybe a hurt Amy, or a smelling fine ex-QB? Who would know, Rafe would? Who would care? Brian should. With all the compliments and the pats on his back, Brian got the ramrod of reality as he was rode hard and put up wet. Rafe gave immunity to Gary. I guess love conquers all...Brian's hopes and dreams. Cryin' Brian had a good shot at winning, and left a true gentleman. I was sad to see him go, but loved to watch him leave. Look at that ass! Wait! Damn, I gotta stop typing
everything I think. Cheesecake would be good right now. Damn, there I go again!

Jamie - Dude, don't let BJ get in your face. You already saw what he did to Blake's hand. You want that on your face? I didn't think so.

BJ - Quit touching people with your pee hand. It's gross.

Steph - Bad luck, no more. Hello medium luck!

Cindy - Good move on the Marge vote, but watch your back, you Jack Hannah wannabe!

Judd - When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives you beer, you drink it AFTER a tribal council, dummy. You almost lost you ass on that one.

Rafe - When life gives you crap, don't drink what you can make from it
That'd be crap-a-nade for our slower fans!

Gary - Doing well, but how's your back. Must get tired from carrying Amy.

Amy - Either saw that hurt f^(%er off, or keep going. It's just going to get worse.

Danni - Way to not suck so much

Rafe - Same thing, but in a different way (Judd's getting the milk for free; make him commit!).

Brandon - Thank you for not making a farm reference for an entire episode, freak!

Lydia - Sandra did it. Chris did it. You can, too. Less talking, though. Someone will notice you're there.

Pop Poll

Yeah, Steph still.

Rupert's corner:
I have his poster above my bed. My wife's pissed. Here's Rupert:
"You know gay guys aren't bad, just bad to people's butts. Why can't they just do women in the rump and be done with it? That'd cure that problem! Damn, I wish I was your lover...I love that song!"

Short, but short. Rupe hit another Grand Slam! Please, send your e-mails with suggestions, hate mail, concerns, questions, and cooking recipes to survivorninja@hotmail.com. The winner of the "Best Hate Mail" contest will get a cookie, a middle-finger cookie! BIRD TO YOU HATERS ZING!

*I had to mention this because it grows heavy in my heart. Jeff Probst, the hair do that woed Rock 'n Roll Jeopardy, and has been the face of Survivor for all this time is thinking of calling it quits. He wants to persue other ventures, and needs some QT with Julie. Can you blame him? He's famous, and she's marginally interesting! E-mail me with who you think would make a suitable replacement, past survivor, or otherwise, and I'll run a poll in the following reviews. At the end of the season, I'll write a letter to Mark
Burnett telling him our choice. Not the "Survivor" Mark Burnett, but the one in Longmont, CO. Maybe he knows our Mark, and can talk to him. www.whitepages.com can be fun!

See ya later (whether you like it or not, dammit!)

Survivor: Guatemala episode 5 recap

Judd's a traitor, Brian's a God hater, and Amy learns about 'taters!

Man, this is boring.

Week #5, and Lydia's still here.

Well, the tribes are still learning how to adjust to their new members, and things are pretty boring. Judd jumped on the bandwagon first off, and Margaret couldn't be more pissed. Amy learns about how to turn the dirt into food. Brian is upset about the blessing, but he's too smart to openly say anything. Well, who said camp life was exciting all the time? I did, but then again, I put bugs on people's food. Not in secret, but rather while they're eating it. It's just something I do.

Reward challenge was actually pretty cool and thoughtful. Jeff? Are you showing us your caring side? I doubt it. The winner was to receive a croc-free swim cage. Cut a rope, cut another rope, and wind another rope to ride a cart down a hill, a potentially dangerous ride to victory. Jamie and Brandon were chosen to go first in their respective tribes. Jamie gently convinced the rope to split, as Brandon hacked through it like Jason in a teen camping expedition. It was no contest as Yaxha coasted to the win. As if Jamie didn't feel bad enough, Jeff blatantly points out that it's his fault. I knew you couldn't be nice for an entire day, Jeff. It's just not you.

Happy music played as the Yaxha tribe enjoyed their 2" X 2" enclosure. Imagine a rabbit cage underwater. That's what they had to swim in. No diving yet, kids. Brandon glowed for a while, but faded into the background very soon afterwards, where he always ends up. If he wins, I'll work on his farm. But he's gotta pay me a salary of $1 million a day, for one day. That should be right. Brian made a comment about being a fish back home. Gay reference perhaps? Maybe if he was gay, but he's not. No way.

Not Brian.

Well, maybe on weekends.

Ok, so he's full blown (pun intended) gay. Who questioned that? Gary tried when he was being sniffed, but he was enjoying too much as to question his own sexuality THE NFL DOES THINGS TO YOU ZING! Back in Nakum, Margaret botched that she could have done better, yet no one coached Jamie on the rope. Steph was pissed to see BJ showboat on the way down the hill. The best part is that Steph flat out calls BJ a gay. Yes, a gay. What gave you that idea? The fact that he presented his anus to your tribe as he sailed past? Could it be that he associates his ass with excitement? Maybe, but he's
definitely gay. Oh, and Steph secretly cries because she sucked at Survivor. Surprise, surprise. The rain came down, and kept the tribe awake, except for Brain and Blake, because they were cuddling BLAKES GOT A SECRET ZING! After a good night sleep, I like to wake up and immediately start talking about myself and all the things I've done in my life, no matter how insignificant it is. Apparently, Blake does, too. His long-winded diatribe to the doo-doo tribe has him set for elimination. And Brian's favorite new game, "bate Blake", just goes to show you that he's soo...wait, is it "bait" or "bate"? Oh well ,"bate" helps my theory, and that is "Gum is not a candy, but a toy" I have scientific research, hours of testing, and a small dog, that show, inconclusively...wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, small dogs. Lydia did a little pep dance, and a Little Richard quote. Is it just me, or does she look like a magic troll doll without the long hair that goes crazy when you spin them? What, like you've never spun a magic troll doll. Losers.

Immunity challenge involved what looked like a tribal fertility ritual. Balls with tails are flung into the air and caught in triangular nets. Symbolism, anyone? Anyway, the tribes rallied for position and tried to catch the balls. Brian and Rafe were disappointed to not be paired up on this challenge. That joke was too obvious not to be said, so please don't hate me, or Buddha. He's not so bad. I mean, he's no Jesus Christ, but then again, he's not a pirate, so he's got that going for him. Balls flew, Rafe salivated, and Nakum took the idol. Jamie had a "quiet, personal"
celebration, and Yaxha thought hard about what went wrong as BJ lets out a "what just happened" scream.

Tribal was interesting, as 4 strong tried to figure out if that was going to hold. Blake didn't stop talking, because he thought he was safe. Bad move, Golden Boy.

Sidenote: Kudos (first Kudos of the season) to Amy for coming up with a kick-ass nickname for Blake. I've been calling him Edward Penishands, for his before mentioned contact with BJ's peeing hand, but that's just me.

People thought they were aligned, but the sleep issue, and the "Golden Boy" reference came into play. It stirred something in him into talking himself up, again. So fucking stupid, dude. Does he not realize what's going on around him? Oh, he can't, he was SLEEPING!!! Anyway, he's huberus (I think that means his penis) was his downfall, and Booby Jon AND Danni turned on him. Wow, I thought Danni was cool before for the Gary stuff, but she's a little cooler now in my book. And by book, I mean my diary, and by diary I mean...wait, did Bobby Jon just say I like to keep the dream alive? Wow, he's deep as Brian's ass. TWO GAYS IN ONE ZING ZING!!

Gary - your football status is safe for another 3 days. Nobody said anything. I'm impressed. Oh, by the way, don't wear a mouthpiece and helmet to challenges. It's a tell, as they say in the poker world (located in Nevada, population not my older brother because he sucks at it. RANDOM NINJA FAMILY BASHING ZING!

Steph - Quit your bitching, please. I know you're the most popular survivor since Bamber and Rupert, but it'll only get you so far. Look at Johnny Fairplay, and emember my words.

Margaret - See Steph's notes, minus the popular stuff.

Jamie - Bad winning is as good as writing your own name on the ballot to send you home. Control yourself; I got my money on you (Seriously, I pinned it to your shorts while you were asleep).

Rafe and Brian - Time to play "Find my money"

Cindy - I'll say to you exactly what you've been doing to contribute - Nothing.

BJ - Dude, act less gay when you win, and even lesser gayer, when you lose. We can see you when you're at your gayest, or your gay-pex, as I like to call it.

Judd - Don't let Margaret get you down, or take your temperature rectally (she's got big hands)

Danni -Way to betray. You’re picking this game up quick.

Lydia - Pyscho dancing fits looks good on you. Enough of that and they'll be too scared to vote you off. Can I rub you and make a wish?

Pop. Poll

Steph dipped a little but not enough to be threatened by her next closest competition, which is BJ, a full 25 points away. Nice try, gay waiter.

Rupert's Corner
Well, quite frankly, I could used a spanking. But I'll hear what Rupe has to say first:

"have you seen my website? It's www.rupertskids.org and it's so much fun! Move the mouse over my head, and I'll tell you all about it. When I'm done talking, my creepy 3-d head will follow the mouse movements! Technology rocks hard, like tye-dye t-shirts, which you can buy on my site! Man, how could you not go there right now? The only excuse you have is if you're telling your teens about drugs. Priorities rule!"

Man, you do have a creepy 3-D head Rupert, and the site is weird, too! As always refrain from sending your mail to survivorninja@hotmail.com, like you do every week. Why do I even have this e-mail address? Oh yeah, for the porn sites (I write their newsletter!).

Tune in next week when:
1) BJ shows his anus to the wrong Brian. Hilarity and vomiting ensue
2) Brandon's ego leads him to chop through all rope in the camp, exclaiming "Look what I did!" It's just not the same, Brandon.
3) Steph cries a river; gets eaten by a croc.
4) Gary confesses that's he's a quarterback. Right, and Lydia catches a fish.

See ya, boot lickers!

Survivor: Guatemala episode 4 recap

We got spirit, yes we do. We got spirit, how about you?

No. Well, how about a new tribe? you got that?

Week #4 or "All work and no play makes Judd a dull boy"

Nakum tries to beat the heat by laying around and swatting flies. Yaxha, on the other hand, is up and running at all times. Maybe that's why they're doing so well. Maybe Gary's just working harder than everyone to try and get away from Rafe. It has a creepy Ian-Tom feel to it, doesn't it? Only something's really awkward about it. I'm uneasy watching Rafe doodle on his binder cover: "I "heart" Gary" and "Gary and Rafe - Best Friends Forever"

Yeah, it's that serious.

Reward challenge was neither a reward nor a challenge. The cast got to take a break from 114 degree heat and answer some questions to help their tribe.
Jeff asked questions, and based on their answers members got little perks for being smelly and hungry. Food, of course is always welcome, but a freakin' apple? Thanks, Jeff, you're generosity is endless. As for a free shower, Nakum voted for Bobby Jon, because he really stinks (metaphorically) and Yaxha voted for Gary because they wanted to see him lather up (homosexually). Brian and Rafe have never worked together so well to date. I WANNA KISS HIS CRUSTY LIPS ZING!

Wait, did I just say that out loud, or did I think that?

Anyway, the big kick in the pants was the question about pride. Brian, the cheerleader for Yaxha, was the natural choice, and Cindy, the keeper of the zoo known as Nakum were chosen. The rest were swapped into the other tribe.
Brooke was odd person out when she stayed with Nakum. No big help there.
Judd, Gary, Margaret, and Amy enjoyed chicken and tea while Gary dodged football questions. Again, he shit himself, and it will haunt him later.
Judd shit himself, too, but for much less significant reasons (he's just lazy).

Brian got to formally meet his new tribe by offering BJs at half price (friends and family discount). Gary and Amy were greeted by some new faces upon their return. Amy, took the opportunity to use the word "decimated" and a lot of cussing. Gary pooped once again when he was greeted by the devilish smile from the sports caster. He did grin once, but that was only when Brian fulfilled his promise of sniffed the hell out of him when he returned.

Nakum was a different story. They had 4 of each old Nakum and old Yaxha, making for a quick rallying of the troops. Judd's battlecry of "who cares" was easily detected on Steph's Survivor radar which she immediately pounced upon when the time was right. A quick trip away from the group let Steph and Jamie talk game and see how Judd could be used to help their situation. Judd and Steph's Jersey bond was found to be a strong point, and a good excuse when frantic Margaret starting questioning his absence from his former members. What a great play on their part. Rafe was excited at the opportunity to finally talk about shoe shopping and braid someone's hair.

BJ and Blake shared a pee, and a strategy meeting. A quick handshake (sic) arranged the pact of former tribe loyalty. Any part of BJ's body that's touched his "man missile" is the last thing I'd wanna touch. Amy's ankle was feeling better, and looking worse, but her cop instincts told her to keep pressing instead of showing weakness. Oh, and she was craving doughnuts, real bad.

Immunity was a row and a clubs throw away. After retrieving some clubs from three floating platforms, and playing some bumper boats, the tribes returned to the beach for the staple "flying weird objects into tiles" portion of the challenge. What did the tiles ever do to deserve such ridicule on national television? My bathroom is boycotting the rest of the season until CBS writes an apology. Judd's manhood was at danger, so he just kept throwing, and throwing...and throwing. No aim and a tired poo-slinging arm would be Nakum's downfall. Brandon bagged the last tile, setting up an interesting tribal. Now, the 4 v 4 tribe would be put to the test.

A restless Nakum did some more politicking for an extra member to go one way from either side. The long, loser walk home was very foreshadowing, as the three founding Nakum girls talked, and Judd was nowhere to be found. He was busy not caring, and smelling of crusted feces and being persuaded into joining a winning team. How could he refuse? I'm surprised he didn't go after Margaret, seeing she's the leader of the girls, and she has pissed Judd off numerous times before. Even after Judd and Margaret's conversation, she was really talking down to him. Which couldn't have worked out any better. The best part, a random shot of a monkey scratching himself during their conversation was, by far, the best "random surroundings shot to increase a sense of wilderness survival" scene. Judd's instincts did warn him not to trust the new Nakum, because he would be a minority among the strength of the tribe. His loyalty that night would seal his life in the game. Wow, I got really deep just now. Penguins like to smoke, but only on weekends.

There, that balanced that out.

Tribal was fun, because Jeff took no time in pointing out Steph's track record. He basically called her a broken mirror, under a ladder, on Friday the 13th; with a black cat...you get the point. She's a melting pot of bad luck omens. Lydia tried to convince everyone that she actually has strength. If that bluff actually works, she should stop mongering fish, and start playing poker. Brooke had a moment of enlightenment that the strong survive.
Wow, how profound of you, useless tribe member. Judd, was kinda long-winded, indicative of nervousness. Imagine that. All that "bad ass" persona went right out the window after a simple question. Good thing you're needed, you freakin' puppet. All things say and done, more was said than done, and Brooke took the fall on a close vote.

Steph - 1) Find rabbit, 2) cut off its feet, 3) Ask the rabbit how lucky it feels

Judd - You thought Margaret was bad at being a leader, try following Steph around, especially with her new rabbit foot necklace. She looks ridiculous!

Margaret - Uh oh. Someone's in trouble. Hell to the yeah, it's you.

Cindy - Just keep spouting animal facts, and helping as much as you can. You might get past next week.

Jamie - Good work, dude. Keep flying low, and you'll make it to the big show. But just make sure it's not lower than Lydia (she's short)

Lydia - Minnows do not a good meal make. Aren't little fish also considered bait? I thought you'd know that. FISH MONGER MY ASS ZING!

Gary - Everyone knows. We all know. They all know. It's out in the open. Please see Brian about closets and being out of them.

Brian - For the love of Hatch, would you just stop sniffing people!

Danni - Gary knows you know. We know you know. Stop glowing.

Rafe - Your sewing circle just got a member smaller.

BJ - Critics and survivors agree. You stink.

Blake - No amount of hand washing will get your self-esteem back, or make the smell go away.

Pop. Poll

No change here. Surprise.

Rupert's corner
Let's see what kinda mood his beard is letting him be in. Here he is.
"Well, kids eat boogers. That's what they do. Now, if the booger is booze, it's not cool. Kids shouldn't eat booze, or 'drink' it, as they say. But, if, in fact, the boogers are made boogers, then it's ok, as long as they're eating their own boogers. Don't let strange kids feed your kids boogers.
It's just not cool! Brush and floss!"

Wow. "The more you know" comes to mind. The less you know would be good at this point, too. E-mail me at survivorninja@hotmail.com if you, or a loved one, is eating foreign boogers. Rupert will beard-slap 'em into recovery. Or tape their nose and mouth shut, for safety purposes, of course.

Tune in next week when:
1) BJ takes a dump with Blake to talk strategy. A hearty high five seals the deal, and they stick together (the never shoulda used super glue for TP)
2) Amy's foot falls off. Her acting skills are put to the test.
3) Danni whips out an autographed picture of Gary in his prime. He plays dumb. Good job, Gary.
4) Judd is accused of being a traitor. He tries to spell it, and has a brain hemorrhage.

Smell you later, freaks.

Survivor: Guatemala episode 3 recap

Poor monkey couldn't find his family. Probably stuck around because he saw Judd throwing poo

Week #3 or "Get this monkey off my back!"

Well, with the loss of Morgan (like anyone really noticed), the tribes are now even, 8 to 8. Sleeplessness runs rampant, and bitching is increasing.

Teamwork isn't established quite yet, so why not have a blindfolded challenge now that's everyone's bodies and egos are healing?

Well, well, well. Jeff, you are full of surprises! Blindfolded challenge it is! Both teams in groups of 2s and 3s were sent blindly into the unknown to retrieve tent pieces and build an excavation outpost to win reward. What's the prize for all the bruised shins and bumped heads? Pillows, of course.
Comfort rewards are pointless. You're sleeping in a jungle, surrounded by danger, and starving; why the hell do you think I'd want a blanket, Jeff?
Oh, you know exactly what you're doing. Danny's loud mouth gave Nakum the win. Bobby Jon's reaction: Tackle everyone and head-butt a tree. Very constructive and well thought-through, BJ. Hopefully, a coming challenge will involve making place settings and folding napkins so you can really shine! GET A REAL JOB ZING!

Waiting for the next challenge, Nakum decides to build a better shelter.
With motivation and determination in their eyes, they decided to swim in croc infested waters instead of work. Interesting quote from the farm boy:
"The brave may not live long, but the cautious don't live at all." you forgot the last part "and the stupid can't work together, and their graves are danced upon by the brave and cautious." The shelter, when it finally was time to do some work, was terrible. Each guy was the acting foreman, and each woman stood aside and acted like the guys didn't know what they were doing, but didn't do anything themselves to help. Margaret stepped up and started directing the effort. This caused a general sense of threat by the guys, especially Judd, who only lets his boss and wife tell him what to do.
Well put, you PC stallion!

Yaxha, on the other hand, complained about the food. Rafe ate termites, and Gary, again, just followed his lead, having never eaten bugs before in his life. Damn, I thought he was supposed to be a leader, and now he's following the gay guy's advice. Speaking of which, Brian stepped up as the motivator before the challenge. Nobody asked him to, and nobody really wanted him to, either, but you know how gay guy's always compete for the attention. Do I see a possible catfight in the making? Let's hope so.

Immunity challenge was a game called "courtball" which I'm sure was complicated to the Mayans, but how would our modern day Mayans do with it?

No, Lydia, you have to pass it!

No, Brianna, you have to move!

Well, nobody said they were smarter than Mayans, just more modern. Hell, if Rafe can score a goal, then surely Brianna could have done more. The guys coming together was strategic, fast, and fun to watch. The women playing was a lot like the WNBA. A good idea to some, but not very action-packed, and not really a sport, now that I think about it. Steph tried to rally Lydia and Brianna into some form of athleticism, but to no avail. Danny's natural sportsmanship and long arms helped her take the win, and show Yaxha how worthless Brianna really is. Amy hurts her ankle, to boot. Wow, Steph, either you're cursed, or Mark Burnett knew exactly what he's doing. Mark, you're a freakin' genius!

Tribal was not very exciting. As much as CBS liked to edit and play up some kind of conflict of opinions about who was going, but it was always going one way. Lydia was played up as the "non-athletic" person, while Brianna was the "flat out, no nothing, crazy bitch" person. If anyone has this episode recorded, go back and see how often Brianna blinks when she's talking about reading people. She's either communicating with a guide on the other side, or she's freakin' nuts! She had a Matthew vibe. Oh, you don't remember Matthew from the Amazon? Lucky you. His deep gazes into nothing, and strange dialogue with fellow tribe mates will haunt my dreams forever. He's the reason I got a night light. I think he might be under my bed. Anyway, everyone went for the crazy lady, and Brianna was free to go back to her make-up counter in the mall.

Gary - If you keep eating what Rafe tells you to, you could wake up with a snake in your mouth, if you know what I mean? (Snakes eat bugs; what did you think I was talking about?)

Rafe - Please, for fake Tom's sake, quit eating stuff from off the ground.
He doesn't know any better. FYI - Call yourself "coach" around him, and he'll follow you to the gates of Hell, if needed.

Steph - Be a motivator, instead of a complainer. Look at Brian. If he was a chick, he'd be a popular chick with this tribe. If you were a dude, you'd be Bobby Jon.

Brian - No, I didn't say you like chicks. Why would I say something as ridiculous as that?

Lydia - You need to step it up or Ian, the God of all aquatic life, won't even be able to save you.

Judd - Help, or bitch. It's one or the other, buddy.

Margaret - You're a nurse because you're a follower, not a leader. Never forget that.

Bobby Jon - No, I didn't say you looked like Steph, and simply said she pisses and moans as much as you do. Check, please. MY FORK IS DIRTY ZING!

Farmer Jon - Nice quote. Just remember: Because you can repeat something you read from the inside of a fortune cookie, doesn't always mean you should.

Pop. Poll
Guess what? Nothing's changed here. Steph still leads with 46% of the vote, with BJ trailing at 9%. Damn, it figures the big losers from last season would win something once in a while.

Rupert's corner
If beards were money, this guy would be the love-child of Donald Trump and Bill Gates. Let's see what he has to say…
"Football's not just a sport, it's an institution. Please, let your child participate in youth sports programs at an early age. It's allows for more precise betting when they hit the big time. I bet the spread, bitches! I'm rich! Oh wait, I was already rich. I'm richer! Bite my ass, Johnny Fairplay!"

I think I'm going to cry (I hate chopping onions). Please send all comments, questions, dirty underwear, food preservatives, old firearms, and NASCAR collector's cups to survivorninja@hotmail.com. It allows me to cry, seeing as how NO ONE ever sends me any mail. You bastards! I give, and I give, and you give me nothing in return. Again, married like comes to mind.

Tune in next week when:
1) A dead, diseased monkey falls from a tree. Rafe makes a stew; Gary eats it. Nothing new there, expect now Judd can get some sleep.
2) Bobby Jon, being separated from his tribe, climbs a ruin, and starts grunting. Turns out they were hiding from him.
3) Dah, the tribesman from Pearl Islands fame, walks right into camp, and teaches the survivors how to forage for food. When asked how he got there, he replies only this: "Did I mention I'm Dah?"

Tomorrow is another day. See, I got good quotes to. Later 'baters!

Survivor: Guatemala episode 2 recap

The fishmonger, the landscaper (supposedly), the real estate broker, and the gay guy.

Yeah, sounds like the average American family.

Clean your plate, or you won't get any week #2.

Lemme start by saying, yes, I am a slack bastard, but a slack bastard with good reason. My computer, a super-awesome E-machine, metaphorically shit the bed, and I had to get a new computer. Well, I have that computer, and it's at least 5 times more super-awesome than my other computer. With that being said, I'm planning on being back on track, producing only marginally late reviews instead of really late reviews. Now, back to the fun stuff...

Life without Jim. How will they survive? Oh yeah, exactly the same way they did before, puking and moaning. Last episode could be subtitled, "Botox" because it got rid of a lot of wrinkles. With that ugliness aside, Nakum's self-esteem was lower than Bobby Jon's last IQ test. But hopes were up as a wounded, winded, dehydrated, puking, bitching and complaining Nakum went into the reward challenge.

Reward was a big set of fishing gear. As Jeff said, besides the crocs, snakes, lizards, and deadly bugs, there are fish that you can eat, but they taste terrible. This challenge involved an upside rope net, and a pool of waste water runoff from the Survivor staff camp. Coincidentally, every location Survivor has been, now has a waste water lake filled with Mark Burnett's stink logs and Jeff's old, dirty needles (he likes to sew with his downtime). Survivors had to untie bags while hanging upside-down and race them back to their side. This being said, Rafe was the master of handling bags while upside-down. I could make a stupid joke involving his sexual orientation and a metaphor about "hanging bags", but it would be too obvious and a waste of time, so I will say this: he's had a lot of balls in his mouth before, ok?

Moving forward: Rafe, being a wilderness buff, has trouble with complex modern inventions, like ladders. This, ultimately led to the downfall of Yaxha, and the fishmonger would have no fishing gear. How tragically unfortunate (and who cares).

Nakum, with their new lease on life, set sail to catch a breakfast feast, and came back with a catch that was about 3 minnows shy of composing an entire fish stick.Yaxha, now detesting the taste of corn, looks for other means of nutrition in the jungle. Rafe's knowledge of nature, it's bounty, and his incredible ability for being on his knees for long periods of time helped him find food, a grasshopper and some ants. Steph also contributed, but in a less scientific way. She grabbed a plant, yanked it up, looked at
the roots, and says," I wonder if you can eat this?" Wow, Steph, you just put 6 years of Rafe's wilderness training right out the window. What a breakthrough, I hope CBS doesn't want half the prize money when you get the Nobel. Gary and Rafe shared a sit and some ants. To their surprise, they were a rare species of dung ants, and I'll leave it at that.
GET THEM SOME MINTS ZING!

Happiness was short-lived in the realm of NY doormen when Judd got tired of hearing Blake bitch about his shoulder. Well, Judd, when you do as well as he does in challenges, you can have Margaret pamper wipe your ass for a while. This would soon pass as Judd plans for greatness. Speaking of greatness, nobody on Yaxha knows about Gary's QB career, but Danni does! Yeah, she is a radio sport caster, and knew right off the bat who he was. This fact would soon be very entertaining.

Immunity challenge was tug-of-war in mud... how original. It was team vs. team, with a 1 vs 1 for the tie breaker. First single match was Judd vs. Gary, or Judd vs. a white stick. Why in the hell did Yaxha send gary against Judd? Anyway, during this matchup, Danni's words of encouragement revealed that Gary was a quarterback. Gary heard her, and his hopes sunk in the mud along with his stick legs. The only travesty was that no one on Yaxha was really paying attention to what she was saying; they only heard a sports reference. It's a good thing Danni took advantage, again, and told Brian that he was a ex-NFL athlete. Of course when approached, he denied the facts and stuck to his landscaping bit. Man, I love it when they squirm. Anyway, Yaxha came up short, due to Judd's pummeling, and tribal council their punishment.

Tribal was pretty straight-forward, as they all are at this point. Morgan is a lazy-ass, so she got booted. No fireworks or trickery, just get the hump out.

Steph - The jungle's not that different from the civilized world. Please, refrain from picking up random floor items and taste-testing them for edibility

Gary - If you really don't want everyone to know your "secret" quit saying "Ready? Break!" everytime more than 4 people are in a group
DOWN...SET...ZING!

Brian - We've been talking, and there technically is a 1 gay guy per tribe limit, and quite frankly, you're not gay enough. Rafe stays, you have to leave, crying if possible. Thanks for understanding. Also, we found out at the challenge that you're roughly equal to 2 women. Hope that helps you out somewhere down the road of life.

Judd - Good job, buddy. Now, if you could only get hit by a thorny tree...

Blake - Do you have Margaret calling you "sir" yet? You sure do have her well-trained.

Margaret - Sit. Stay. Pamper Blake. Good dog.

Amy - It'd be good to girly it up a little. You're giving off way too much of a Twila vibe, and quite frankly, it's creeping me out all over again.

Jamie - Um, if you're that confused on whether Steph is a boy or girl, then you should definitely not walk into the jungle with Rafe, or Brian, or both. It'd just confuse you more

Pop. Poll
No surprise that Steph is still leading the pack, and a distance 2nd and 3rd
go to BJ and Danny, respectively.

Rupert's Corner
Here he is, folks. You know him, you love him. It's Rupert.
"Hiya, PITs. That's Pirates In Training for all you land lovers out there. What? You don't abbreviate the preposition. What the hell did you just say to me? I abbreviate anything the hell I want to, buddy!"

Rupert's not always clear, but fair with the knowledge he does give. Any questions, comments, disgusting feet pictures, or sandwiches should be sent to survivorninja@hotmail.com. Your e-mail, or extreme lack there of, will be answered in a timely fashion, and in the order they were received.

Tune in next week when:
1) Gary, when handing out plates for dinner time, accidentally relapses, yells "HIKE!", and throws a plate full of hot corn through Lydia's head. Brian's only reaction: "Danny was right!"

2) Danny loses more weight and can now become totally undetectable by the human eye simply by turning sideways.

3) Judd complains about his shoulder being hit by a thorny tree right after Margaret gets voted off. AN ATTEMPT AT SOME HUMOROUS IRONY ZING!

Survivor: Guatemala episode 1 recap

One survivor is a gay, one is throwing up, one is holding his team back, and one is a waiter.

Yeah, that's all Bobby Jon. FIRST ZING OF THE NEW SEASON ZING!

Welcome to Survivor: Guacamole...I mean, GAUTEMALALALALalalalala...la....la......la.

First off, allow myself to introduce...myself. I'm the one affectionately referred to by my peers (mom and her biker boyfriend) as the Survivor Ninja.
I get the inside scoop on all things Survivor: production notes, fan insiders, former cast member feedback, etc. I gather this info, write it all down, burn it, smear the ashes on my face, take a nap, and then write the most absurdly bizarre and increasingly hilarious Survivor review in the history of written text... ever. As per the blog description, be warned, I don't care. I'll make fun of anything from retarded albino lesbian midgets, to, well, retarded albino hetero midgets (I have a very small following, but they understand me). Oh, and if you're French, gitdahellouttahere! For any information on ninjas, pirates, their relationship, and how much the French suck (big metal lady statue... thanks, ya stinky freaks!) visit your local library, or come to my house. It's down the street. No, not that one, the one with the front door. Yeah, right there. Be aware there will be:

- random thoughts translated into text and digitized for your enjoyment
- drunken, shabby hobos for no reason
- profanity that would make a Vietnamese hooker blush
- Vietnamese hookers
- strategically placed past-season references

If any of these things confuses you, you're pretty much gonna be ok. Except for those hookers. If you see ping-pong balls, duck and cover (They have wicked backhands!).

If you're not sure what to expect, please feel free to lick my ass. By "ass", I mean "previous season's posts", and by "lick", I mean "read", and by "feel free", I mean "give ice cream to the homeless!"

Intro: Camera pans down on Mayan ruin. Standing on the top, with the sun setting to his back is Jeff "Let God sort 'em out" Probst. He reaches down, pulls up a spider big as Rupert's beard, bites it in half, and looks to the camera. The words he utters haunt my dreams, and weakens my bladder:

"Welcome to Hell, bitches."

Well, that's how it should have started. The premiere episode starts, with much boredom, and Jeff introduces the 2 separated tribes two smallest pussies of the biggest pussy tribe in Survivor history: Steph (Yah!) and Bobby Jon (forgot he was alive). These two were chosen to lead the new contestants into what would be referred to by me as the scenery that fought back. The weather, the terrain, hell, even the trees were kicking these guys' asses halfway though their 11 MILE hike through the Latin American jungle brush. No poisonous snake or croc encounters, just mean ass plants, and dehydrated stud-monkeys. The guys that looked the most promising went down faster than Bobby Jon's credibility as a serious contestant. I mean, Beej (I get to call him Beej), come one, dude. You know jungles are hot, and that you really should give 110% of hard work the first day when we clearly saw last season that you're composed of about 75% hard work, and 35% primal screaming fits.

Back to the plot:
The survivors first surprise after the "Oh great, it's those two guys. What were their names again?" moment was the introduction of the idea that CBS is running out of money for the Survivor budget. I mean every other season involved boat rides, canoes, limo service, even sky diving into the starting camp sites, but 11 miles. Damn, Burnett, you're a mean mother. The hike got the best of the guys early on. No surprise there, seeing as how every single one of them wanted to show off their Outwit Outplay Outlast muscles by carrying tons of supplies through the jungle. Um, bad call douches. Besides, it's hard to dodge thorny, slow-moving plant matter when you're trying to impress the ladies into not voting your sorry ass off on the first council.

Nakum, or Bobby's Boys as my imaginary goldfish, Flippy, likes to call them, took the lead and got the good camp, the one with actual buildings, while Yaxha trailed, lost, and had to paddle their sorry asses back to their dirt patch they would now call home. The biggest problem I saw was where Steph and Bobby though they were being elected as team leaders, and started acting the part. To no one's surprise they added a couple of notches of resentment on their "Reasons why we should make them go away" lists. Poor tactical planning and an eagerness to make up for past aggressions caused both of the former (and soon to be again) losers to hustle their little useless asses off. Neither one was vital to a team triumph, nor was either praised for their presence. Backfire, much?

Immunity challenge consisted of a boat race, a tug-of-war competition, and an ancient Mayan method for both hauling boats to shore, and for breaking ankles of people stupid enough to stand in front of rolling logs. Nakum and Yaxha were tied for a bit, but more ankles were broken on the Nakum side, Yaxha limped to victory, and a trip to Painsville! I hear it's lovely this time of year. Jim, being the eldest of the survivors, and the least athletic, and, oh yeah, the least coherent of the group, forgot that it was an ankle-breaking challenge, and accidentally broke his arm instead. WHERE ARE MY PILLS? ZING! Honestly, if they think like Rudy, but look like Scout, keep them away from people who seriously have a chance to win the million. Trust me, it would just make for a better show, Mark, that's all.

Nakum went to tribal and, surprise freakin' surprise, Jim got a big torch snuffer mark across his ass on the way out. Man, I wish I had money to bet on him leaving first, 'cause I'd be rich, and in therapy again (I have a slight gambling problem, oh, that, and fecophilia; I just loves those, um,
fecos!)

Anyway, all and all, it was a good start, except nobody got killed. I like to start every season of my favorite shows with a cast death:

Lost: BAM! Dead people everywhere!
O.C. :Boom! Phone check, Trey, phone check!
Rome: Don't get me started, Pollo!
The King of Queens: See ya, Mr. Ben Stiller's real dad!

So there you have it. This is the first of many reviews for this season. Not all of them will be late, but be warned they're all moderately funny, and vastly disturbing. I rub cat eyeballs and my naked skin!

See what I mean?

Now, there's usually a section here where I address everyone individually and tell them what I think they're doing right/ doing wrong/ how bad they suck/ why they should die, whatever the case may be. Well, seeing as how the first episode has no real material or occasion in which I feel I should commit any of their names to memory, I will go ahead and talk to some people:

Gary - Seriously, unless you're name is Tom Boneham, and you love children's soccer, and you're mom died of cancer, and you're gay and love being naked, there's no way your QB career is going to seem threatening, loser. MULTIPLE SOLE SURVIVORS YOU'LL NEVER BE COMPARED TO ZING!

Various nurses on the island - Your instinct to care for people will bite you in your ass at some point during this game. Be warned.

Bobby Jon - Jesus Christ on a cracker, is it possible you're a bigger pussy than before. I guess so, Punky Brewster. RANDOM 80'S SITCOM THAT TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOVE ZING!

Blake - Um, duck next time. Trees don't kill people, people who don't move out of the way of trees do. Um, yeah. (That felt like an insult when I wrote it...)

Probst - Sorry I couldn't make Julie's birthday party. I heard the petting zoo and the clowns were kick ass! STOP RUINING THE YOUNG AND IMPRESSIONALBE ZING!

Pop. Poll:
This is a feature I introduced in last season's review to help the readers new to the series (New? Do you live in the Alps or something?) To introduce them to who's pulling the popular vote and who's being collective shat upon by an entire fan base. First impressions are hard to break, so it's no surprise that Steph is leading the pack with 50% of the pop. vote. Well, so far she's the only one with a personality (Yeah, Gary, football careers don't count you Tom wannabe). BJ is, of course, at the bottom of the list, like at Rupert's birthday party (just be happy you made the list, Bobby, and don't tell Osten that you got to go, ok?)

Rupert's corner:
We welcome back Rupert Boneham (allegedly) to the blog. He provides us with his view on the episodes, advice, recipes, and if you read carefully, you might just learn something.

"Ahoy bitch-nuts! It's me, Ru to the pert, here to tell you about skin cancer. It ain't just for rich kids anymore. Anyone can get it. Hell, I got a basil carcinoma the size of a buffalo nickel on the center of my chin. You'd never known 'cause my beard fights it daily, giving my 24 more glorious hours in which to teach teens the perils of underage sex... on drugs... without looking both ways to cross the street. I'm a multi-tasker. I need more pills over here, nurse."

Rupert doesn't always make sense, but we still love him. What, you said you love him, too! FAG!! Ha ha, I tricked you, unless you're a girl, in which case, you're smart 'cause Rupe's got like a ka-gillion dollars.

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, fuck-off letters, chain mail, random forwards of a cat dancing to the Macarena, whatever, please send your mail to survivorninja@hotmail.com Yeah, I'm surprised I got it to, being such a popular name and all...

Tune in next week when:
1) Bobby Jon gets dehydrated fetching water for his team. Ironic, don't you think?
2) Probst catches a random ping-pong ball to the eye.
3) During a challenge Stephanie cries. Whether it's for joy, sorrow, or the thought of baby Janu, no one will ever know...

See ya, freakshow!

Survivor: Palau episode 14 (finale) recap

The finale was filled with surprises, but only if you haven’t watched the other 13 episodes.

It didn’t feel like Week #14 until they did they obligatory “summary of the last 13 episodes in 5 minutes or less” segment to kick off the 2-hour finale of Survivor Sunday night, but I knew, deep down, it was the end. I watched as Ian squirmed, several times, and cried twice as much in one night as all of Ulong’s and Janu’s tears put together. I watched as Tom went from being a noble fireman, to being a god amongst men. I watched as Jenn fought hard to rally for position, but met the demise that is an inability to make fire. I also watched as Katie…um, did nothing, like she has done so many weeks in the past. Wait! She did nap while Tom and Ian were stuck on buoys for 12 hours. I think that counts as “doing something”.

Jenn went down faster than Coby on prom night (Technically, he had quit school before prom night, but he did mouthersize some guy’s junk on the same night as his scheduled prom). She was doing well, but the guys wanted it more. She wasn’t on the same physical level as they were (that’s what Gregg was for). It came down to a double tie vote at council, and a fire-making competition, which I think is much better than drawing a rock. Jenn left quietly, and then the real fun began.

Ian was put under the spotlight, and man did he SQUIRM! Tom grilled him, and Katie, of course, stood right behind him, as he did so. Tom didn’t care; Katie was only in the running for the million the first day, and then she started “being Katie”. DO NOTHING LEECH ZING! Ian folded like a cheap suit, doubled-back on every word out of his mouth, and sobbed like his puppy had just died. Ok, maybe not a puppy, but maybe his favorite dolphin. Yeah, that’ll make him cry. He really had no comeback or defense for the accusations thrown at him. All he could was take the licks and do damage control. Jenn’s last act of a desperate women involved breaking the barriers of trust between Tom and Ian, and it worked. This maneuver guaranteed that at least one girl would go to final 3, if not both. That was probably the smartest thing she could have done.

“How much do you want it?” Answer: A lot, Jeff Probst, a lot. 12 hours of buoy balancing will make you say crazy things, and that’s exactly what Ian did. Trying to save face on a show based around deceit and trickery, Ian’s nobility interfered with his rational thought making processes, and he actually told Tom that he would give up if he would take Katie to the promised land of last 2 standing. Tom said, “Um, yes.”

Ian is a fool.

He gave the game to Tom. Katie had no one on her side to give her a million, and all three of them should have known that. Ian, on the other hand, could have made a decent case with the Tom-Haters aka Coby, Steph, Janu, and Caryn, if he wasn’t so damn wishy-washy. Apparently, Tom’s respect is worth more than $1,000,000, and Tom’s respect plus a new Corvette, priceless. Man, I hope Tom’s respect can pay all those dolphin food bills Ian has laying around the house, and put gas in his new Corvette. And luckily for Tom, the Tom-Haters’ hatred for Tom does not outweigh everyone’s hatred for Katie.

Jenn – You fought hard, but in the end, you man manipulation wasn’t enough. BTW, I loved that last-minute “gotcha last, gotcha best” move you put on Ian and Tom. Kudos to you! (Season’s first kudos, might I add.)

Ian – Giving Katie the number 2 seat will not get you sexed up by Katie. You’re an idiot, and I’m sorry I ever had faith in such a wimp. It’s a good thing dolphin don’t eat jellyfish, or you’d be a dead man! AQUATIC FOODCHAIN ZING!

Katie – You should have quit when Jenn left. You really had no shot at the money, and you know it. You had a better chance of getting laid than getting a million dollars, but then again, look who’s crying over you. He doesn’t look like the picky type.

Tom – Congrats. I guess now that Ian’s going back to his real life, you have to start sucking your own dong, you bad-ass!

Pop. Poll

In the end, money doesn’t mean shit. Stephanie was our most popular Survivor this season, beating Tom by 20 cool points. I guess surviving and winning are two different things.

Wow, that almost sounded like a PSA, or something you’d hear at the end of a G.I. Joe episode. I didn’t know I could be so deep.

Rupert’s Corner:
Well, as a fellow million dollar recipient, RB has a lot to say on the subject
“Hey Tom! You got a million dollars? Me too! Ain’t it awesome? By the way, nice beard, but you have a long way to go. Don’t forget about orphans; they need love, too!”

Wow. His words fill me with great awe and respect. No, I’m sorry, that was gas. This is your last chance (other than the next season, and pretty much any time this summer) to write me at survivornninja@hotmail.com. Let me know how I’m doing, what you like, don’t like, and I’ll be sure to read it, and immediately delete it to make room for progress. Ignoring people is fun!

My biggest regret this season is that they didn’t show Jeff courageously bringing the votes back to the mainland via jet-ski, skydiving, on the back of a dolphin, or riding on a pirate ghost ship. I mean, what is a finale without Jeff bravely slashing through jungle brush to find an appropriately placed means of transportation? Could it be your trying to define yourself as a legitimate TV personality, or are you hoping to get called to do “Rock n’ Roll Jeopardy” again, Jeff? The world may never know. I think Julie has him by the short and curlies.

SPECIAL REPORT

No, I’m not going to bring up those naked Ami pictures from last season (http://forum.realityfanforum.com/index.php?topic=3398.msg39578 )
but it seems Ramber (Yes, that’s Amber and moronic Red Sox fan put together) headed to the final showdown on Amazing Race with a heavy lead throughout the competition. well, turns out they lost HA! Yeah, Rob and Amber came in second and didn’t win the million. Luckily, they did have CBS fork over some moolah to do a show about their wedding. Unluckily for them, they’re going to court...against CBS. Seems that life is funny like that. From what I’ve heard (my dog told me, so you know it’s true), Rob and Amber are suing CBS for some weird stuff. Let me set up the scene for those who didn’t watch. The last leg of the ”Race” had teams taking a plane from Jamaica to Miami. Rob and Amber barely got on board, and the gate was closed, assuring them a hefty lead over the other two teams, and promising a very big payoff for them. Sources tell me CBS made arrangements (cha-ching) with the airlines to let the second place team on the same flight. If you know anything about homeland security, those folks WILL NOT reopen a gate after it has closed, end of file. Since it was Jamaica, and CBS does have a lot of money, and Air Jamaica was getting lots of airtime for this, the gates were reopened, and ultimately the team that was let on board BEAT Ramber to the finish line in Miami. A big Ha fucking Ha to Rob and Amber, ladies and gentlemen!

That’s what the lawsuit is about, that’s who won Survivor, and Rupert said what he had to say. I’m through for the summer. Everyone stay in touch, and thanks for reading this second season of my blog. We’ll definitely see you in the fall, and yes folks, I’m throwing my ninja star in the ring. I WILL be applying for Survivor season #12, immediately following Survivor: Guacamole. Hopefully, with my cat-like reflexes, and your support, I will make it to the big dance. The e-mail address will remain open all summer long, so if you hear any survivor myth or fact, e-mail me, and I’ll make sure that everyone gets to know about it. Also, I’m thinking of starting a news letter, so you can get my review straight to your e-mail, every time it’s posted. If interested, send me an e-mail saying, “Gimme that shit, hommie!” and I’ll work out the details this summer.

Later, toad lickers!