Survivor: Palau episode 2 recap

The Lord giveth (large Mormon boobies), and The Lord taketh away (large Mormon boobies)

Week 2, you're so fine. You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Week 2. (clap,clap...clap)

Survivor just doesn't feel right without a balance challenge, a couple of flags (no, Coby, I said FLAGS), a message descramble, and a personal trainer talking about needing some protein. Man, it feels like home again. Nothing real exciting happened. The boys of Ulong tried to spear a fish, but got big clams instead. Korororororor took a dive, and all they got was fire. (Did you see the look of concern and surprise on Probst's face when they told him the kayak capsized? Man, he could care less.) All of that aside, it was a pretty uneventful day. Caryn complained about their choosing the new beach hastily, but noone paid her any attention. Willard kept under the radar, becoming more like Scout every day. Jeff and Kim are the faux Rob and Amber, the only difference being she has no power over the game, and Jeff is a moron (no, Ashlee, I said MORON). Other than that, it's just Angie rallying people for revenge, and James giving us pearls of wisdom, in a accent that noone can interpret.

The reward challenge involved some balancing, and as we found to be very tricky, a rope swong. Both started off really weak. Bobby Jon showed his psycho inner-child. Angie showed us that tattoos help your equilibrium, and Koror showed us that women with no upper body strength should sit out of these kinda challenges. The Ulong crew took victory easily, not before Bobby hit himself repeatedly in the head. I have a funny feeling he's going to snap.The pressures of being a 27 year old waiter are now manifesting themselves on the island. What a terrible time for an explosion.

Immunity was fun for Koror. With their day long expedition of diving for the flint chest, this challenge was no problem. Tom, once again, stepped up to the plate and delivered a stellar perfomance. Man, does he have something he's trying to prove, or what? Kim and Ashlee, both equal in their likeness to lumps of crap, did nothing to help their team. Ashlee is naturally buoyant in the front, so it was already a difficult challenge for her, but what's Kim's excuse? Koror took the easy victory from Ulong, sending those pitiful bastards back to tribal to see who sucked the most. They were going to vote out Kim, to break up any alliance that might be forming between her and LA Jeff, but they punked out because someone said it would be Ashlee leaving. Ashlee made no effort to ally with anyone, and she had a generally terrible attitude. For a second, I thought she was going to pull an Osten on us, but she got voted out before she had the chance. It's a shame, too. I mean, the showgirl didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted her to look in my mind. The other ladies, although none of them are aging hippies, or womynist/Playboy models, these women need to get some personality. All they do is complain, except for Janu, who's just happy she hasn't broken a hip or something. Poor thing. Has Survivor become a place where previously talented and accomplished people go to die? What can Willard and Caryn possibly bring to the table. An ex-sniper and a civil rights attorney; That's how most UPN show ideas get started.

James - Slow down and pronunciate, and we might listen to what you have to say.

Tom - Wow! You're freakin' awesome! That's it, really. I don't have much on you.

Angie - The world's not out to get you. Quit acting like you proved them all wrong just because you did what you were supposed to do on the challenge.

Coby - Contribute now, so you can prove your usefulness later.

Caryn - See Coby

Willard - You're going to be dragged along for your vote until you're not longer needed. You can't compete with all these young people running around. The mind is willing, but the body is unable. Yes, I'm paraphrasing Shakespeare again. You got me!

Gregg / Jef f - be less eye candy, and do something useful

Kim / Katie / Jennifer - same goes for you

Ibreham - I don't get it. Do you represent all gay African-American males, or just the really prissy, soft spoken, straight African American males. Come on, Ibreham. What better place to come out of the closet than on a deserted island? SEXUAL CONFUSION ZING!

Janu - For God's sake, would you eat something! Nobody out here is going to tell you that you blew the audition because you needed to lose 5 pounds. An aging psuedo-star is a sad sight, indeed!

Bobby Jon - For some strange reason, I see you killing your entire tribe while they sleep. Just a hunch, really.

Stephanie - you're probably going to win as long as noone else assumes control and realizes that you're nothing more than an instigator and a vote. Keep up the good work.

Ian - You have the best strategy: Do memorable things that help the whole tribe, but stay away from the spotlight as to not get voted off. This plan of yours is just crazy enough to work.

Ashlee - your picture on CBS.com makes you look like you have something going on upstairs, but your "show face" is riddled with empty stares and nothing to say. You got voted out at exactly the right time. And just so we both understand, I wouldn't have joked about snuggling up with Ibreham. I'm pretty sure you guys are on the same team, if you know what I mean. PREFER DONGS ZING!!!

Poll update:
Tom is still taking the popular lead, with 75% of the votes, followed closely by Janu (why?), and Willard at third (again, why?). I'll not award Tom twice in a row,so I'm giving the RB to Ian, for stepping it up in getting the flint. CBS.com did have the loser info, so I'm spliting the "Why are you still here?" award between Caryn and Coby, who, as demostrated, are both equally useless as they are femanine. Congrats to all!

Rupert's Corner:
Hide your shoes and bring your own Tartar sauce (BYOTS!), it's Rupert, the hard-core mutha..I mean, teen mentor with some more pearls of wisdom.
"Hi survivors!. I only got a couple things to say, then I have to get back to single-handedly stopping teen pregnancy in North America, including Canada! Probst, if you weren't a woman, I'd smack you. Don't you ever call a Hawaiian Sling, a tool I use and love, a "spear" ever again. If it weren't for the aroma of freshly baked cookies coming off my beard, I might be angry enough to rip your arm clean off. Also, folks, take one afternoon on a weekend to make tye-dyed T-shirts with your kids, or kids in the neighborhood. It'll keep the little bastards outta trouble, and if they do get in trouble, then hit 'em in the abodmen, right above the naval. This'll knock the wind outta 'em, and we all know that a kid who can't breathe, can't smoke pot with his older, trouble-making friends. Arghh!"

Again, all feedback can go to survivorninja@hotmail.com. All love letters can go to nakedninja@hotmale.com. Please send a photo. No dudes, please. (I made that mistake once and never again.)

Well, another week gone by and we can still hear the songs of Wanda ringing in our ears. Tune in next week when:

1) LA Jeff surpirses no one when he proposes to Kim, after he's been voted off.
2) Willard eats some food, and farts several hours later, making it the most productive thing he's done to date.
3) Coby has dreams of having Gregg and Ibreham over for a little game of "hide the sausage", making it the most gross thing he's done to date, and makes him less productive than Willard.
4) Caryn complains, but no one can hear her over the sound of them not caring in unison.
5) Angie finds a tattoo that she didn't even remember getting.
6) James finds some food, but hides it carefully in his manhole nostrils. The real trick is, Kim and Jeff were sleeping in there at the time. James is too good for words!

Bye, you freaks. (By "freaks", I mean "friends", and by "Bye", I mean "Get a life", and by "friends", I mean "really big freaks, out of which, I am your leader".)

P.S. For the hopelessly lost souls that actually read this garbage, the Hotmale address is a fake. Don't waste your time, suckas!

Survivor: Palau episode 1 recap

Best Survivor Quote ever: "...I knew we were f...; I knew we was in trouble."

Week #1, and I'm happy as hell.

Well folks, you can't beat an episode that starts with two people going home before the first Pontiac commercial. It's like magic. It's like Jeff reaches down, caresses your face for a moment, and you stare back at him, with those big, torch snuffing hands, and he leans in, and you lean in....wait, where was I going with this? Anyway (that was weird), apparently age and beauty are of no consequence as Wanda, the singing reincarnation of Boy Scout Lil, and Johnathan, just another brainless piece of eye-candy, got the boot on the sandy shores of their would-be home.

How do you explain that you lasted a couple of hours in Survivor? How do you go home and explain that to your family? Better yet, how in all holy hell do you stand up in a boat full of confused, tired from rowing strangers, and start singing Survivor tunes you made up before you came on the trip? Wow, that lady had some balls on her, let me tell you. And, yes, I'm the expert on ladies with balls.

Challenges are back in full swing. I loved the first challenge or as me and Rupert called it, the "get your ass on shore" challenge. It was simple: Get your ass on shore. That's it. No tricks or games, no memory or endurance tests, nothing. Just get your ass on shore. Did anyone see these two heroes jump out at like 500 yards from shore? How both of them didn't go home, it amazes me. All you had to do was paddle close to shore, THEN swim your ass to shore. Of course, the dolphin trainer, Ian, outswan the guys to shore. Jolanda, the former track star, ran her ass off to get the second necklace and immunity from the first cut. As I predicted, her personality began to grow from that moment. Man, I hate being right, but if I had to be, this was a good time. I knew Jo-Jo was going to be a control freak, but wow, that couldn't had worked out better if I had planned it. What was the deal with the grasshopper? It seemed like she was doing it to show off, not because she was hungry. What a freak!

What's that Angie?

No, I was talking about Jo-Jo.

Hold on a sec, Angie. What's that Coby?

No, I was talking about Jo-Jo. Yeah, thanks.

Sorry about that. Back to the plot:

So friendship did blossom in the deep jungle brush as Coby, the sassy bitch, and Angie, a tattooed and pierced "I'm all alone" girl, bonded immeadiately for obvious reasons. If you don't know the obvious reasons, it breaks down like this:

Chemical reactions in the male body when approached by females of similar interests creates a static effect on certain pheremones and nerve relays in the brain. This accounts for productivity when paired, thus creating a lasting bond. In laymen's terms: Every, and I mean every, goth chic has a gay male friend. It's been scientifically proven. Please don't argue with me about this one. I have documentation and test results that will support my argument.

Coby and Angie had a sacred alliance, and that bastard broke it the first chance he got. He had an opportunity to chooser Angie and save hert embaressment of watching Tammy become a member of the game, but no, he chose not to. What a dick! I'm not particularly fond of either one of them, not that I hate them, just don't like them yet. Even I thought that was a dick head move on his part. You could have chalked it up as nerves, or trying to play the game, but that was shitty. He should have his claws clipped. We may have a gay Johnny Fairplay on our hands.

The obstacle course, how I missed you! You look good. Did you lose some weight over the holidays? New Years' resolution, huh? Well, keep it up. Ulong and Kororororor went head-to-head with my good friend, Obby, the obstacle course. Obby had some tricky things laid out for those survivors, but ultimately, it was good planning, and Jolanda's personality that sealed the deal for Ulong. Korororororororor took their fire box, paddled easily to the flag, and claimed victory. But hold on, that's not the best part. They lost their reward, not ot Jeff, not to pirate ghosts, but to Mother freakin' Nature! A wave overturned their outrigger and sank their "specially weighted" box, containing dry flint. Dammit all to Osten!!! What luck! They tried a couple of times, but to no avail. Even the dolphin boy couldn't get it out of the water. Maybe if he used his aqautic animal communication powers, like Aquaman, he could rally the creatures of the deep to help. Alas, they did not respond, and no help came for them.

Ulong came to council, and it was a good one, indeed. Jo-Jo was broad-sided, and took the walk of shame. Everyone, both survivors and viewers, are better off now.

James - You're not Tom. You're not Twila. You're James, and you've joined an elite family of rednecks. Be proud, even though noone can understand you. And yes, Jeff is a son of a bitch.

Tom - You're a NYC Firefighter, so you have credibility. You're also athletic, so you'll get far in this game. But your best quality is that you look like the guy from the Cialis commercials, and that'll get you laid. Hope you brought some pills with you.

Ian - eek, eek, click, click, eek, click, click. Sorry folks, you can't speak dolphin like we can.

Janu - rock climbing, showgirl, emotional wreck from choosing someone to have on your team. I have a funny feeling we're going to be making fun of you a lot this season.

Ashlee - You're not as cute as your picture made us believe.

Jolanda - Have you watched Survivor before? You probably did everything you're not supposed to do on the first day, especially the cardinal rule - DO NOT ASSUME COMMAND! This will get you booted faster than Bubba in the middle of the girl tribe. You could have at least toned down a bit, but I had a feeling that was unlikely. You also said that you wouldn't have done anything different, which amazes me as to how you got there in the first place. You will not be missed Omarosa, I mean, Jolanda. What did I just say? Must of just slipped out. YOU'RE FIRED ZING!!

NEW FEATURES:
Polls and Rupert's Corner
Polls is well, a poll. I basically relay the info from CBS.com as to who is the favorite in America's hearts.

This week, the "Rupert's beard" award goes to Tom, who is leading the polls at 73%. It's no secret, he is pretty darn cool. I don't know how much of that is the "NYC" in front of his "Firefighter" occupation title, or if it's his performance up until now.

Dead last, or the "Why are you still here?" award goes to, surprise, Angie with a whopping 41%. You would think with that she would have at least one fan, but no, She came in a good 10 points behind Karyn, or "Which one?", Willard "Saggy McBoobs", and Coby "Flame On!". Man, you really are all alone. I had no idea.

Rupert's Corner:
This is when that old sea dog and teen mentor, Rupert, gives advise to the survivors on how to be a true champion
"Hello, this is Rupert. Ya know, my beard can grab a man's arm from 10 feet away, just by thinking about it. Now, doesn't that make you want to join a Big Brother / Big Sister program in your neighborhood? I'll give you some fish if you do."

Um, Rupert's Corner is a work in progress. Send me feedback on both of these new features to :

survivorninja@hotmail.com

Well, one down, a lot to go, and I'm seeing good things for this season. Its packed full with beautiful people, and some not some beautiful but contribute in other ways people. We'll see some hard hitting matchups this season.
Old firemen versus young bucks. Gay men versus tattooed (and now bitter) women. Steelworkers versus showgirls. Dolphine trainers versus hardcore mormons. Man, this sounds like a wet dream I had once. Um, you didn't just read that. See you next week when:
- Koror finally gets a fire going, and Tom instinctively, keeps putting it out. Good job, jerk!
- Ashlee asks Angie how the devil got such great detail with that bird he drew on her chest.
- James says something. Tom is brought in to translate. Twila is brought in to translate for Tom.

SN pre-game commentary

Well gang, here we are. Time to dust off my sword, sharpen my pencil and start work again. Like the swallows of Capistrano, I have returned to shit all over the place.

Yes, friends, it's the Ninja, back for another riveting (if anything happens in the first 5 minutes worth mentioning tomorrow, then it'll be more "riveting" than Vanauatu) season of Survivor:Paula.

Yes, apparently this season is being shot entirely at my ex-girlfriend Paula's house and boy are the castaways in for a treat. Watch out when her "friend" comes for the monthly visit, because she can be a real bit...

huh?

hold on, folks

Palau?

What the hell is a Palau?

Apparently it's not at my ex-girlfriend's house, but in fact, at a remote island in the South Pacific. This island is filled with wildlife and wreckage from WWII war machines. So they could have shot it in Rudy's backyard, and nobody would have been the wiser. OLD VETERAN ZING!!!!


Seriously, these folks look really soft. Seeing as they've exhausted the man vs. woman angle (we just keep winning; it's nature!), they'll probably do an even testicle/chesticle split. Whatever tribe gets Coby, they will have 6 women and 4 men. Please, if you haven't taken the time to read his bio on CBS.com, you really should. He's like Richard Hatch, in the sense that he'll scratch your eyes out if you cross him. MEOW! (Really, he does hair. How much use will that bring to the tribe?)

The "Book by its Cover" goes to Janu, a 39 yr old showgirl from Las Vegas. The last time I checked, the CBS.com poll shows her as a 45% favorite to win the million. How many guys do you think are looking for nude pics of her right now on the web? After last season's Amy debacle, I'm sure they could find some real nice ones of at least 3 of the female cast this season, and maybe a couple of Willard, the new Scout (sic). He looks like he'd be real good friends with Coby. In actuality, Willard is more a Rudy than a fruity. He served in the Marines and Army, was a sniper, and has a law degree from San Diego Tcch, my alma mater (go Mighty Blowfish!!). He seems that he'd be a real contender, but hold on, I haven't even mentioned Jolanda.

SN - What's that shiny thing hanging from your neck, Jo-Jo? (she lets me call her Jo-Jo, but you can't call her that.)

Jo-Jo - Oh, it's nothing, just my NUMEROUS TRACK AND FIELD MEDALS!!!!

Yeah, folks, a real honest-to-Rupert athlete, not a fake one, like Alisha. This lady was destined to go to the Olympics in '96, but she had the same old tired excuse; Her brother was murdered. Wait, that's not funny. Seriously, her brother was slain two weeks before she was supposed to go to the Olympics in ATL, she went to heck in a handbasket, and never got back on her feet. Basically, if you take every depressing "coming through the darkness to see the light" hard luck story out there, and put them together, you'd get Jolanda. Brother was murdered, father commited suicide while she was IN THE ROOM. Her mother had 5 kids, and she took care of them. I could go on, but I don't have sympathy for her. I'm a ninja, it's in my training. Deal with it. She can be the first one voted off for all I care. I have a feeling that she's going to get bossy at some point during the game.

If you didn't see James before, go look right now.

Seriouly, I'll wait.

Ok, that's long enough. At first glance, this guy looks like Twila and Chris did the nasty, aged their child to 33 years (just like Jesus!) and sent him back in time to be sole survivor, in the footsteps of his old man. James is more than that. A steel worker working through college and 4 children, he's a 'neck as far as I can tell. For those who honestly don't know what color neck I am talking about, it's most definitely red. This guy is a little bit of Tom, and a little bit of Twila, not so much Chris, because people will remember his name after the season is over. I hope he does well.

On the other end of the spectrum, Ashlee is the hot Mormon from SC. Her bio is short and sweet, and from the looks of it, so is she. She, for the most part, will be the forbidden fruit of the group. Will he beliefs keep her supple body safe from the dangers of temptation? Watch to find out. I already know what's going to happen. I told Rupert. He knows too. You don't, so there.

Anywho, kids, I don't have time or patience to tell you about the other umpteen misfits from this season. They're definintely easier on the eyes than the last crew, but most definitely more exciting.

Tune in this season when:
1) Jeff reveals the beginning of the game twist: a gunshot wound in everyone's legs, just like the WWII pilots!! That Jeff, he can pull of anything (including Julie's panties) FORMER SURVIVOR TURNED HOST GROUPIE ZING!!!
2) Immunity challenges turn ugly when both tribes find stock piles of working machine guns
3) Dah comes to the island, bringing the only memorable piece of last season to the new season.
4) Someone is voted off, but it's not who you think thanks to clever editing
(Did someone order a big bowl of VAGUE?)
5) Coby does Jeff's hair, Julie shoots him an evil glare. Drama in the making? We'll see.