Survivor: Guatemala episode 3 recap

Poor monkey couldn't find his family. Probably stuck around because he saw Judd throwing poo

Week #3 or "Get this monkey off my back!"

Well, with the loss of Morgan (like anyone really noticed), the tribes are now even, 8 to 8. Sleeplessness runs rampant, and bitching is increasing.

Teamwork isn't established quite yet, so why not have a blindfolded challenge now that's everyone's bodies and egos are healing?

Well, well, well. Jeff, you are full of surprises! Blindfolded challenge it is! Both teams in groups of 2s and 3s were sent blindly into the unknown to retrieve tent pieces and build an excavation outpost to win reward. What's the prize for all the bruised shins and bumped heads? Pillows, of course.
Comfort rewards are pointless. You're sleeping in a jungle, surrounded by danger, and starving; why the hell do you think I'd want a blanket, Jeff?
Oh, you know exactly what you're doing. Danny's loud mouth gave Nakum the win. Bobby Jon's reaction: Tackle everyone and head-butt a tree. Very constructive and well thought-through, BJ. Hopefully, a coming challenge will involve making place settings and folding napkins so you can really shine! GET A REAL JOB ZING!

Waiting for the next challenge, Nakum decides to build a better shelter.
With motivation and determination in their eyes, they decided to swim in croc infested waters instead of work. Interesting quote from the farm boy:
"The brave may not live long, but the cautious don't live at all." you forgot the last part "and the stupid can't work together, and their graves are danced upon by the brave and cautious." The shelter, when it finally was time to do some work, was terrible. Each guy was the acting foreman, and each woman stood aside and acted like the guys didn't know what they were doing, but didn't do anything themselves to help. Margaret stepped up and started directing the effort. This caused a general sense of threat by the guys, especially Judd, who only lets his boss and wife tell him what to do.
Well put, you PC stallion!

Yaxha, on the other hand, complained about the food. Rafe ate termites, and Gary, again, just followed his lead, having never eaten bugs before in his life. Damn, I thought he was supposed to be a leader, and now he's following the gay guy's advice. Speaking of which, Brian stepped up as the motivator before the challenge. Nobody asked him to, and nobody really wanted him to, either, but you know how gay guy's always compete for the attention. Do I see a possible catfight in the making? Let's hope so.

Immunity challenge was a game called "courtball" which I'm sure was complicated to the Mayans, but how would our modern day Mayans do with it?

No, Lydia, you have to pass it!

No, Brianna, you have to move!

Well, nobody said they were smarter than Mayans, just more modern. Hell, if Rafe can score a goal, then surely Brianna could have done more. The guys coming together was strategic, fast, and fun to watch. The women playing was a lot like the WNBA. A good idea to some, but not very action-packed, and not really a sport, now that I think about it. Steph tried to rally Lydia and Brianna into some form of athleticism, but to no avail. Danny's natural sportsmanship and long arms helped her take the win, and show Yaxha how worthless Brianna really is. Amy hurts her ankle, to boot. Wow, Steph, either you're cursed, or Mark Burnett knew exactly what he's doing. Mark, you're a freakin' genius!

Tribal was not very exciting. As much as CBS liked to edit and play up some kind of conflict of opinions about who was going, but it was always going one way. Lydia was played up as the "non-athletic" person, while Brianna was the "flat out, no nothing, crazy bitch" person. If anyone has this episode recorded, go back and see how often Brianna blinks when she's talking about reading people. She's either communicating with a guide on the other side, or she's freakin' nuts! She had a Matthew vibe. Oh, you don't remember Matthew from the Amazon? Lucky you. His deep gazes into nothing, and strange dialogue with fellow tribe mates will haunt my dreams forever. He's the reason I got a night light. I think he might be under my bed. Anyway, everyone went for the crazy lady, and Brianna was free to go back to her make-up counter in the mall.

Gary - If you keep eating what Rafe tells you to, you could wake up with a snake in your mouth, if you know what I mean? (Snakes eat bugs; what did you think I was talking about?)

Rafe - Please, for fake Tom's sake, quit eating stuff from off the ground.
He doesn't know any better. FYI - Call yourself "coach" around him, and he'll follow you to the gates of Hell, if needed.

Steph - Be a motivator, instead of a complainer. Look at Brian. If he was a chick, he'd be a popular chick with this tribe. If you were a dude, you'd be Bobby Jon.

Brian - No, I didn't say you like chicks. Why would I say something as ridiculous as that?

Lydia - You need to step it up or Ian, the God of all aquatic life, won't even be able to save you.

Judd - Help, or bitch. It's one or the other, buddy.

Margaret - You're a nurse because you're a follower, not a leader. Never forget that.

Bobby Jon - No, I didn't say you looked like Steph, and simply said she pisses and moans as much as you do. Check, please. MY FORK IS DIRTY ZING!

Farmer Jon - Nice quote. Just remember: Because you can repeat something you read from the inside of a fortune cookie, doesn't always mean you should.

Pop. Poll
Guess what? Nothing's changed here. Steph still leads with 46% of the vote, with BJ trailing at 9%. Damn, it figures the big losers from last season would win something once in a while.

Rupert's corner
If beards were money, this guy would be the love-child of Donald Trump and Bill Gates. Let's see what he has to say…
"Football's not just a sport, it's an institution. Please, let your child participate in youth sports programs at an early age. It's allows for more precise betting when they hit the big time. I bet the spread, bitches! I'm rich! Oh wait, I was already rich. I'm richer! Bite my ass, Johnny Fairplay!"

I think I'm going to cry (I hate chopping onions). Please send all comments, questions, dirty underwear, food preservatives, old firearms, and NASCAR collector's cups to survivorninja@hotmail.com. It allows me to cry, seeing as how NO ONE ever sends me any mail. You bastards! I give, and I give, and you give me nothing in return. Again, married like comes to mind.

Tune in next week when:
1) A dead, diseased monkey falls from a tree. Rafe makes a stew; Gary eats it. Nothing new there, expect now Judd can get some sleep.
2) Bobby Jon, being separated from his tribe, climbs a ruin, and starts grunting. Turns out they were hiding from him.
3) Dah, the tribesman from Pearl Islands fame, walks right into camp, and teaches the survivors how to forage for food. When asked how he got there, he replies only this: "Did I mention I'm Dah?"

Tomorrow is another day. See, I got good quotes to. Later 'baters!