Survivor: Palau episode 9 recap

Great, just great. Now who’s going to wash Caryn’s hair and put up with Janu’s bullshit?

Oh, I guess that was sorta the point.

Week 9 and things are getting better.

Well, we all saw it coming. Ulong is no more, officially. Stephanie now has a serious shot at the million, and I couldn’t be happier. Man, when I saw Steph tear up, I was very moved. It felt like a combination of Rupert winning the million, Jenna’s mom dying, and “Waiting to Exhale” (What? How can that movie not move you? What are you, a monster?) Anyway, it was good to see hear get out of that dirty old Ulong buff (slowly, please... no, no, slower…ahhh, that’s it.) and get into a clean Koror buff. BTW, how funny was it to see the Koror crew all amazed at the clean smell from Steph’s buff? Now that’s good TV!

As any fan of the show knows, there’s no challenge at the merge, just a celebration for those who have made it that far in the game. Instead of competition, the producers do something a little different; they give alcohol to starving people and let nature take its course. Tom had too much rum, but in his defense, he was the drunkest, making him the winner of the drinking competition. Joe and Thud, the simple Palauan fishermen were eager to show the guys how to fish. Joe and Thud only did this to get the men outta the way so they could hit on the small, white woman. Did you see the size of those guys? I could think of only two things when I first saw them:

1) They must be EXTREMELY good fisherman (you know, because they’re huge)
2) They use guys like Ian as currency

After everything was said and done, to be honest, they can’t hold a flame to Dah, but then again, who can? Damn, I sure do miss him…

Immunity challenge was a trip down memory lane. The old “stand on that pedestal while I wave your favorite food in front of your face so you can take off your clothes hopefully” challenge. Yeah, there’s nothing like it, SOTPWIWYFFIFOYFSYCTOYCH for short. It didn’t work, we saw no naughty parts. Jeff, you should be ashamed of yourself. He’s really losing his touch. Aside from that, it was really awkward to see Coby and Janu jump in so quickly for a treat, when they had to have known that they were next in line to be voted out. It was even more awkward to see Janu not crying for a change. She’s either gotten really tough over these last couple of days, or severely dehydrated. Either way, she won’t be around much longer.

Tom – Sorry, broham. I lied to you. There was no drinking competition. Rupert put me up to it, so if you’re going to be mad at anyone, be mad at him.

Ian – Here’s some PB and chocolate (wink, wink)

Caryn – Lather, rinse, sit around camp like a lump of crap, repeat

Gregg – You must be short in real life, considering how low under the radar you can get. USELESS BUT UNNOTICED ZING!

Stephanie – You freakin’ rock, and I hope you win. I’ve picked my pony, folks, and her name is Steph.

Useless girls – You do realize that once Janu’s gone, you’re next. Gregg can’t stop it. Coby really can’t stop it, and Steph will let it happen. Please, either learn to fish, or win some immunity.

Janu – What? No, I didn’t just tell the useless girls that you’re leaving. Not to change the subject or anything, but I like your tattoo. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a bull’s eye on your back. GOING HOME SOON ZING!!!

Coby – What the hell were you thinking? Didn’t you see what happened to Richard? Well, yeah, he did, but not the second time! Dammit, fool! You should have known better than to get catty this early. At least you’re in the jury, so we can see your new hairstyle every Thursday.

Pop. Poll

Well, I was in Las Vegas this past weekend, hence the late review. Let me tell you, if you’ve never been, go now. Drop everything you’re doing and go right now. I’ll wait…

See, what did I tell you? That place has something for everyone. I went to a club called “Rum Jungle”. You can imagine my delight as my favorite alcohol and my favorite type of terrain were merged into one exciting place. If I had 3 words to describe this place, they would be ”Drunken Adult Circus”. If you ever get a chance to go there, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

(Sorry, die-hards. I just thought that would be more interesting than telling you that Tom is still the most popular, and Janu is the suck-ass this week)

Rupert’s Corner

Well, here we are again. You know him, you love him. Ok, you know him and I love him, you just tolerate him. It’s R.B.
“Hi guys! Man, We just got back from Vegas, me and the Ninja, and boy, do they have a lot of problems there. I saw kids, no older than my own daughter, on the celly phones, or whatever they’re callin’ ‘em these days, walking around with their $50 shirts, and $75 jeans, sporting $120 sneakers, wearin’ jewelries (I think they call ‘em blingers or something), just struttin’ around like the world is theirs. Parents, if I could, I’d take the lot of you across my knee and let my beard do the talkin’! You got to teach these kids the value of a dollar, or else, they’ll never get good payin’ jobs and be self-sufficient. Why do you think there’s a whole in the Ozone? Because kids can’t even read, let alone get a job to fix that thing. Every time it rains, water comes shootin’ outta that thing and gets my socks wet, and I HATE wet socks. Please, parents, put down your things and hug a child. Then, when they’re guard is down, throw ‘em in the bathroom with a mop and bucket. I bet they learn to clean up after themselves after that! Wait, where am I?”

I think Rupert had a little too much fun in Vegas, if you know what I mean? (He’s drunk again, if you didn’t know). Please e-mail him and me at survivorninja@hotmail.com with advice and non-aspirin pain relievers (rhymes with Stylenol). He’ll need them, and I collect them. Gotta have ‘em all!

Ok, I need sleep. Tune in next week when:
1) Steph accidentally (wink, wink) uses Janu to get coconuts out of the tree via the big wooden pole trick. Janu, in a surprise twist, cries.
2) Tom drinks sea water, on a dare. Hilarity ensues. No, I’m sorry, that’s insanity ensues. Sorry about the mix-up
3) Ian sees Tom drinking sea water, and dares himself to drink it as well, after making a joke/reference to a past season of Survivor that only other Survivor fans would understand.
4) Caryn and Janu ask Coby to save them seats.

Later.