Survivor: Palau episode 5 recap

Ulong, you didn’t want that beef stew anyway. It tasted like victory, and you haven’t acquired that taste. LOSING STREAK ZING!!

Week #3, I mean Week #4, I mean Week #5.

Sorry, they’re all starting to look the same.

Guess what? Ulong continues to suck. It’s a little frustrating for Ulong, but then again, Stephanie will probably go on to win the whole damn thing. Kororororor is just resting on their many, many laurels, while Ulong sinks deeper into the bowel of suckitude. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. The only reason why they decided to bring both tribes to council is because they were trying to break up the winning team. Jeff, you can’t stop this tribe with a mere tribal council. All they did was trim the fat, the old, no challenge participating fat, and move on. The only thing that came of the council for Koror was the fact that everyone is starting to rally for position. It could get very interesting if Koror loses, but let’s face the facts. Ulong has no more influence on this game. At 4 to 8, Koror can have two separate teams, one for each challenge, and it will essentially come down to Ulong getting completely wiped out, and having only of their members on the jury. Also, their votes won’t matter because everyone else from Koror will be on the jury, so unless Ulong has some sort of secret android replicants to take their place at the next challenge, we won’t be seeing much of them soon. Thank Rupert for that. Quite frankly, I was tired of all their bitchin’.

The reward (yeah right) challenge was bitter-sweet, and wet. The Ulong group did what they always do, which is collectively pulled their pants down, and ran backwards through a cornfield (if you don’t understand that reference, you’re probably better off not knowing what it means). Ulong had a lead, and hopes were up, until Ibrehem a.k.a. sack of crap helped Koror completely destroy their dreams of winning just once. Did anyone see Jeff give that dissatisfied head shake when Ibrehem started having trouble? I did, and I laughed my ass off! After all that unpleasantness, Ian pretended that he was having trouble swimming, just to give Ulong some help, but it wouldn’t last when Ian took Koror to the promised land, where they have been living comfortably for the last couple of weeks. Ulong cried a little, as did Janu, and the deed was done.

At tribal, it was no secret that Willard was leaving. He knew it, they knew it, and even Jeff knew it. Janu cried, and the tribe had spoken. Willard walked away, very, very slowly. 15 minutes later, he had finally made it to the end of the path, and Ulong came in for their turn. It was then, and only then that Koror was allowed to unveil their meaty reward. Beef stew, root beer, and a roll were the spoils to the victors, and nothing but frustration to the Ulong tribe. If you’ve ever seen Holocaust pictures, one where you see a malnourished, thin, pale, human being, behind a fence, totally defeated in every possible use of the word, that’s what Ulong looked like. It was sad. It was so sad, that I was crying. No, sorry, that was from laughing so hard at the combined rumble from all their stomachs as they smelled the beef stew coming from afar. Man, what a day. The best part was the last part. Koror was given the opportunity to give one member of Ulong individual immunity, which is the only reason why Ibrehem was still there. He’s got tons of muscles and no real strength. I can only describe his luck in getting immunity as divine intervention. On the other hand, Angie wasn’t so fortunate. The votes had come in, Janu cried, and Angie took the walk of shame, the bad kind, not the funny kind.

Tom and Ian - I don’t really need to say anything here, do I?

Gregg – Did you have to tell your biggest secret to the social butterfly? You arse. Now that you’ve told Coby of your alliance with what’s-her-name, he’s 100% positive that you’re not gay, dashing any hopes of him helping you.

Coby – Sorry. You were going to find out about Gregg eventually, I just wish it didn’t have to happen like this. Go cry to Caryn. That way, you give her something to do, and you’ll both be out of the way so the real Koror tribe can keep winning.

Caryn – Uh oh, here comes Coby. I wonder what he wants. Don’t let Janu see him or else she’ll start crying too.

Janu – Ok, now what are you crying about? Just thinking about puppies and world hunger again, huh? Dammit, toughen up, lady!

Stephanie – Hang in there. All you have to do is rally Bobby Jon and Ibrehem via a 3-way makeout session, and you knock James out, for sure.

Ibrehem – Hang in there. All you have to do is rally James and Bobby Jon via a 3-way makeout session, and you knock Stephanie out, for sure.

Bobby Jon – You’re a pretty lucky guy. And I mean lucky not in the respect that you’re doing well, but in the respect that you have 2 first names. That’s pretty lucky.

James – Keep your big, red neck mouth shut and you might just make it to the merge, dummy!

Angie – Your minimal contributions and lots of screaming at the first sign of progress cannot outweigh the fact that you have made more mistakes that you have tattoos. You are worthless, and made it much farther than you should have. And, no, Stephanie most certainly WILL NOT rock the boys.

Pop. Poll
I’ve had connection problems for the last week (Comcast sucks donkey balls!) so I haven’t been able to look at the polls, but I’m willing to bet Rupert’s beard that Tom and Ian are still on top. I’ll even be bold and say that Ibrehem, with his fake muscles, and apparent breast implants, has moved down a couple of notches, but I think James might have hit rock bottom with his gay comments from last week.

Rupert’s Corner
“Ahoy, land lovers! After that debacle with Willard, I think I’ll tell you guys about respect for your elders. You see, elders are like regular people, just older. Teach your children early on to ask them for help. Old folks love it when people continuously ask them if they need assistance, it makes them feel loved and gives them the attention they used to get when they were contributing members of society. And boy, do they have stories! Sometimes, the stories don’t even have an ending, or a point, but those wrinkles bastards love to tell ‘em! Also, please don’t pour cooking oils down the drain. Your kids will thank you later, unless they’ve become convicts because you brought them up never knowing the arts or music. It’s never too late to start!”

Tune in next week when:
1) James devises a plan to simultaneously insult every race and religion in the world at once.
2) Stephanie finally realizes that she’s a woman, and uses her boobs to get what she wants, just like 75% of all the other women in the world!
3) The tribes merge, making Ibrehem the pitcher, and Coby the catcher.
4) Tom smacks Ian for being such a sissy, just like a real father and son.
5) Janu cries for no apparent reason, then for a semi-apparent reason, then for a legitimate reason. Unfortunately, these episodes of crying do not correspond to the reason for the crying, so nobody knows what in the hot, stinking hell she’s doing on Survivor in the first place.