SN pre-game commentary

Well gang, here we are. Time to dust off my sword, sharpen my pencil and start work again. Like the swallows of Capistrano, I have returned to shit all over the place.

Yes, friends, it's the Ninja, back for another riveting (if anything happens in the first 5 minutes worth mentioning tomorrow, then it'll be more "riveting" than Vanauatu) season of Survivor:Paula.

Yes, apparently this season is being shot entirely at my ex-girlfriend Paula's house and boy are the castaways in for a treat. Watch out when her "friend" comes for the monthly visit, because she can be a real bit...

huh?

hold on, folks

Palau?

What the hell is a Palau?

Apparently it's not at my ex-girlfriend's house, but in fact, at a remote island in the South Pacific. This island is filled with wildlife and wreckage from WWII war machines. So they could have shot it in Rudy's backyard, and nobody would have been the wiser. OLD VETERAN ZING!!!!


Seriously, these folks look really soft. Seeing as they've exhausted the man vs. woman angle (we just keep winning; it's nature!), they'll probably do an even testicle/chesticle split. Whatever tribe gets Coby, they will have 6 women and 4 men. Please, if you haven't taken the time to read his bio on CBS.com, you really should. He's like Richard Hatch, in the sense that he'll scratch your eyes out if you cross him. MEOW! (Really, he does hair. How much use will that bring to the tribe?)

The "Book by its Cover" goes to Janu, a 39 yr old showgirl from Las Vegas. The last time I checked, the CBS.com poll shows her as a 45% favorite to win the million. How many guys do you think are looking for nude pics of her right now on the web? After last season's Amy debacle, I'm sure they could find some real nice ones of at least 3 of the female cast this season, and maybe a couple of Willard, the new Scout (sic). He looks like he'd be real good friends with Coby. In actuality, Willard is more a Rudy than a fruity. He served in the Marines and Army, was a sniper, and has a law degree from San Diego Tcch, my alma mater (go Mighty Blowfish!!). He seems that he'd be a real contender, but hold on, I haven't even mentioned Jolanda.

SN - What's that shiny thing hanging from your neck, Jo-Jo? (she lets me call her Jo-Jo, but you can't call her that.)

Jo-Jo - Oh, it's nothing, just my NUMEROUS TRACK AND FIELD MEDALS!!!!

Yeah, folks, a real honest-to-Rupert athlete, not a fake one, like Alisha. This lady was destined to go to the Olympics in '96, but she had the same old tired excuse; Her brother was murdered. Wait, that's not funny. Seriously, her brother was slain two weeks before she was supposed to go to the Olympics in ATL, she went to heck in a handbasket, and never got back on her feet. Basically, if you take every depressing "coming through the darkness to see the light" hard luck story out there, and put them together, you'd get Jolanda. Brother was murdered, father commited suicide while she was IN THE ROOM. Her mother had 5 kids, and she took care of them. I could go on, but I don't have sympathy for her. I'm a ninja, it's in my training. Deal with it. She can be the first one voted off for all I care. I have a feeling that she's going to get bossy at some point during the game.

If you didn't see James before, go look right now.

Seriouly, I'll wait.

Ok, that's long enough. At first glance, this guy looks like Twila and Chris did the nasty, aged their child to 33 years (just like Jesus!) and sent him back in time to be sole survivor, in the footsteps of his old man. James is more than that. A steel worker working through college and 4 children, he's a 'neck as far as I can tell. For those who honestly don't know what color neck I am talking about, it's most definitely red. This guy is a little bit of Tom, and a little bit of Twila, not so much Chris, because people will remember his name after the season is over. I hope he does well.

On the other end of the spectrum, Ashlee is the hot Mormon from SC. Her bio is short and sweet, and from the looks of it, so is she. She, for the most part, will be the forbidden fruit of the group. Will he beliefs keep her supple body safe from the dangers of temptation? Watch to find out. I already know what's going to happen. I told Rupert. He knows too. You don't, so there.

Anywho, kids, I don't have time or patience to tell you about the other umpteen misfits from this season. They're definintely easier on the eyes than the last crew, but most definitely more exciting.

Tune in this season when:
1) Jeff reveals the beginning of the game twist: a gunshot wound in everyone's legs, just like the WWII pilots!! That Jeff, he can pull of anything (including Julie's panties) FORMER SURVIVOR TURNED HOST GROUPIE ZING!!!
2) Immunity challenges turn ugly when both tribes find stock piles of working machine guns
3) Dah comes to the island, bringing the only memorable piece of last season to the new season.
4) Someone is voted off, but it's not who you think thanks to clever editing
(Did someone order a big bowl of VAGUE?)
5) Coby does Jeff's hair, Julie shoots him an evil glare. Drama in the making? We'll see.