Survivor: Palau episode 3 recap

1 injured Jeff = Kim

Actually, 1 injured Jeff = 3 or 4 Kims

I believe in miracles. Where you from, you sexy Week 3?

So, apparently Kororororororor is now dabbling in snake hunting and shark wrestling. Meanwhile, Bobby Joke, I mean, Jon is shooting the sling at fish almost as big as his thumb. If he keeps it up, he'll have a meal by the time everyone merges. NO FISHING SKILL ZING! Honestly, the only way Ulong will take the immunity momentum from the freight train that is Koror, is if Koror throws a challenge to get rid of someone (similar to the Pearl Islands disaster). I very much doubt they will do that because there is no friction in Koror aside from Caryn feeling like a useless wrinkle bag, but, let's face it, Willard holds that title right now.

Getting back to this snake/shark thing, what in the hell is Ian thinking? I mean, you chum the water with snake's blood, then wade out near a shark, and try and put all 100lbs of your body weight behind a pointy stick? Um, you're supposed to be the most knowledgeable in the group about aquatic animals and you can't do the math? Damn, what do you train dolphins to do, not take commands? If Rupert were there, he'd show you a thing or two about shark hunter, or as he likes to call it, "falling off a log."

Reward challenge (about half that name is true) was a shut-out. Ulong's fight for a victory was overshadowed by the fact that they got a sewing kit. The challenge itself made me mad. There was so much potential for totally taking someone down that these people forgot that they could take out some serious aggressions on other people. If I was Gregg, Angie and Booby Jon would have been dog food, and I would have let Janu take the ring. Speaking of really skinny, useless people, Janu isn't looking too good. How can that women be an emotional wreck about everything she does? Choosing a tribe, swimming, eating, sleeping. Is there anything she won't cry about?

Immunity was fun for everyone. LA Jeff is an idiot. He had to pee-pee in the middle of the night, so instead of going in the ocean, like millions of fish do everyday, he decides to go inland to the pre-destined bathroom facility, or the "shittin' hole" as James calls it, and he steps on a coconut and rolls his ankle. WTF? You would think a person would maybe try and take some form of light with him through a dark, tropical island that is riddled with no less than 17 different ways to kill you. Not LA Jeff. I guess "seeing through the darkness" is for pussy losers, and real men don't do that kinda stuff. Well, how's your ankle, jerk? I hope it's broken in two, no, three pieces!

Where was I? Oh yeah, immunity challenge was actually pretty interesting. Weighed bags to hinder your progress, but enough about Willard, there were these backpacks filled with sand that everyone had to lug around. LA Jeff dropped out quick and watched as his team folded like a cheap suit. Is it just me, or are Ibreham's muscles for show only? I mean, he's the living definition of "cosmetic muscle". He got all those bumps, but not where it counts. NO TESTICLES ZING! The day ran on, the packs got heavy, but in the end, Tom's persistence, and Ian's long arms gave Koror the victory.

Jeff, in a shocking heroic version of an Osten move, told everyone to vote him off. Bobby Jon tried to rally everyone against Kim. Bobby Jon rationale was that Jeff, with a messed up ankle is better than Kim, who is perfectly healthy. That's the best thing I heard all week. Kim is a lump of crap, hands down. You can't defend and argument like that. Anyway, Bobby tried, but failed, and everyone went with Jeff, which will now make Kim a lump of crap, who will now be cold at nights, unless James has something to say about it. On second thought, he'll probably let her freeze if given the option.

Caryn - Quit your bitching. You're complaining more than the hair dresser, and he's the biggest wimp out here.

Coby - Come on! It was only a 20 lbs bag! You've had guys heavier than that on your back. GAY SEX ZING!

Gregg - You can't let tattooed women push you around. Don't take any shit from anybody. By the way, you look like a retarded Joe Millionaire

Tom - Damn, you're a bad-ass. That's about all I can say about you for now.

Ian - Eat something for Rupert's sake, you're starting to look like Janu.

Janu - Don't wear stripes around Koror camp. the way you're looking, they'll mistake you for one of the snakes WEAK BUT DID IT TO HAVE FOUR ZINGS IN ONE REVIEW ZING!

Katie - Um, I'm sorry. How long have you been here? I just noticed you were here. That's weird.

Willard - Sorry, I didn't mean to get in your face while you were sleeping. I thought you were dead.

Jennifer - You had better start making yourself noticeable. Dammit, at least people know who Coby is, and he hasn't done anything out of the ordinary.

Ibreham - You've spent countless hours at the gym, and got no exercise. What a waste of clean water you are.

Stephanie - I've noticed that for 3 weeks straight you have preached to get someone voted off, and for 3 weeks straight, you've changed your mind to go with the majority, even if you disagree with it. Man, what a great wife you'd make. You can yell at me all day long, but in the end, you're going to do what I say.

...did death do us part, I do.

Kim - Good luck not getting voted off next week. FYI: Don't ever say, "I'm tired of this game." at tribal council. Have you seen my list of things not to say? Well, you should ask around if you haven't.

Angie - Yeah, you're helping a little, but don't get too excited. You may last till the merge, but then you got to go up against all those people that hate you.

Bobby Jon - Don't be such a psycho. Quit yelling. What are you trying to prove, that waiters can be tough? Get over yourself. I find that the people who work the hardest are usually the ones with the least to contribute to the tribe. If you were truly valuable, you could do a lot less, and still get recognition.

James - Holy hell, son! Git those sons of bitches in order!

Jeff - Yeah, I know, your ankle. You dummy. You just threw away what was looking at a real good shot at $1 million because you're not coordinated enough to walk to the bathroom. Ouch.

Poll Update:
It's getting a little obvious at this point, but Tom, now up to a staggering 86% of the popular vote, is trailed by Ian, at 78%. Coming a close 3rd is Bobby Jon, the Alabama Psycho, at 74%, and Coby, is now officially the least favored to be sole survivor. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Rupert's Corner:
The man that needs no introduction, just a tank top, and a smile:
"GIMME YOUR SHOES, OR I'LL BEAT YA! Just kidding, friends. It's me, Rupert B., here to tell you that Bobby Jon is not my friend. Did you see his Hawaiian sling technique? It's an abomination! No one uses a sling like that, not on my planet. What if kids were watching? They could get themselves hurt copying him, or worse...they could grow up to be psycho waiters! Man, if Bobby Jon is the reason a kid gets hurt, I will personally close down Alabama, permanently! No, my mind's made up. I'll do it if he gets out of line one more time. And please, teach a child to appreciate classical music. They thank you later for it!"

...and I'm spent. Thanks for continuing to read this crap. Tune in next week when:
1) Koror finally realizes they have all these poison snake heads lying around and nothing to do with them. Good thing next challenge is a food challenge.
2) Ian trains a shark to bring them fish, while Tom smelts a skillet, and Gregg finishes the motor for their canoe. Meanwhile, Ulong tries to not get in the way of Bobby Jon's wild sling antics.
3) Janu and Willard have a contest to see who can have the smallest, yet droopiest boobs.
4) After the episode, Rupert Boneham closes Alabama; no one knows why.