Survivor: Palau episode 6 recap

Hey, I found something that starts with an "r", and ends with "acist"...

Yeah, you're right! It's James!

As sala'amu alaikum, week #6!

Well, the editors of the show should be pleased. They acutally threw me a curve. For a second, I actually thougth Koror was going to council sans beef stew, with all the up play on Janu's crying episode. Then I thought to myself, "Most awesome authority of all things Survivor*, Janu always cries. You shouldn't be worried." As the story unfolded, I was reassued that the folks at the Kororororor estate were, in fact, safe from flame-snuffage. Ulong, bent over, ready to accept the torch of depth and discomfort, did so without the whimper normally associated with Angie's presence. Another immunity challenge gone, another Ulong member gone with it. I must say, the alocohol they enjoyed must have been laced with some major sedatives, to help soften the blow.

*yeah, that's how I address myself...you wannabes!

Reward challenge was simple: Shoot a replica WWII gun at tiles, eat Pringles with jellyfish. Yeah, simple, in theory. Koror had the benefit of Willard's expertise with a firearm of this caliber, and...wait a minute. Where was Willard? Did I miss something? I could have sworn he was just there, coasting with Tom and the gang...oh well, he was probably sleeping, or daydreaming of sleeping, which is what he did at challenges. Ulong stepped it up, well, Stephanie stepped it up, and the guys filled out the rest of the points, taking Ulong to a win. Did it matter at this point? Do Pringles and fruitty beach drinks really look that good when you're half the size of your enemy? Hell yeah, it does! Jellyfish make everything look better than it is. That's why I bought that timeshare, but I digress. The challenge worked out to the benefit of the Palau medical crew, who could rest easy knowing that jellyfish don't sting other invertebrate creatures. SPINELESS ZING! Salt and alcohol, the black jelly bean of rewards, went down smooth, with a nutty aftertaste of regret before the impending defeat at the immunity challenge.

Immunity began with a box, and ended with a fart.

Sorry, I had chili for dinner.

Back to the game, each tribe received a box, and was instructed to fortify the enemy's box with knots. Personally, if I was on Koror (which I natually would be because I'm not a southern, Muslim, racist with a cute chick, like Ulong), I would have put some of those seas snakes in there. Not the live ones, mind you, but the decapitated ones, just to send a message to the fiorst bastard who reached there weak, non-threatening hand into the flag box to go for Ulong glory. James tepped up, and took the lead on the knot tying. Through the miracle of technology, I have recorded here, the actual thought process in James' head during the fortification of their impenetrable box...

"Loop, swoop, and pull."

Yeah, good plan, James. The challenge went down faster than Coby at one of Richard Hatch's "sexy" parties (gross). The Koror team, using only their weakest players, and Ian, started slow, but had everything under control. Their stick pile looked like, well, a stick pile, whereas Ulong's box was surrounded by a desolate wasteland of tricky knots, and utter confusion. After about 3 minutes, the Koror crew broke through quickly, and took the flag. Meanwhile, James peed on himself, Bobby Jon punched a fish out of rage, Ibrehem mispelled his own name in the sand, while Stephanie worked on the knot, the one in Jeff's pants that is. USING YOUR BODY TO ADVANCE LIKE A GOOD GIRL ZING!! After all was said and done, more was said than done for Ulong, as yet again, they took the walk o' shame to the voting circle jerk, where distrust and multiple votes was in full bloom. Stephanie teetered, and Bobby Jon tottered while James, in his utmost respect to all people and their different beliefs, was asked to leave. Waiting for him on the other side (just off camera) were members of the Black Panters, The Nation of Islam (the violent one, not the passive one), and a pissed off hairdressers union from San Fransisco.

Tom, Ian, Gregg, Katie, Jenn - I figured I would save some time and just say keep doing what you're doing.

Janu - WTF? Is someone hurting you in your sleep sweetie? Was your abusive, alcoholic father a fireman, or a dolphin trainer? What the hell reason do you conjure up to keep crying every freakin' week?!?!? Dammit, even Coby is holding together pretty well, so should you.

Coby - Janu needs your help? I smell a a fabulous makeover for some lucky showgirl!!

Caryn - Please stop eating. The other contributing members of the tribe need their strength.

Ibrehem - Praying helps, but this is probably the one occasion in the history of time where it really doesn't matter at this point.

Bobby Jon - I liked you better all pyscho and hitting stuff. Crazy it up a little.

Stephanie - Nothing smart ass or funny to say about you. You're doing a great job. You have four healthy balls in the palms of your very strong and capable hands. Use them wisely.

James - Apparently, noone every told you this at the clan meetings, but Allah plays golf with your God on the weekends. He made a bet with Allah to see if you'd believe his "my God says he's going home" epiphany he gave you. Dude, you just won Allah $5! Double burn!!!

Pop. poll

CBS has finally gotten off their rich, no nipple showing asses, and updated the website. Tom is no longer #1 in the polls. In fact, he's apparently the only one, climbing to 86% of the pop vote. In a surprise move, Caryn has finally bested Coby as the biggest shitbag on the island with a 35%. Way to not suck as much Coby! NO PUN INTENDED ZING!

Rupert's Corner:
Well, it's the kiddie's pal, and the fishes' nightmare, Rupert B. here to shred another pearl of wisdom from his mighty beard:

"Hiya Survivors! It's me, R.B. No, not Rob from Boston you clever angels. It's Rupert, here to tell you that a stingless jellyfish is what you'll have on your hands if you don't teach your kids to stand up to bullies. There's strength in numbers and you should always find an adult if trouble comes ashore. And if that doesn't work, the instep, ears, throat and groin are all good places to punch a potential attacker. Let 'em rip and make the slip. That's the Rupert B. way!"

Well, the letters keep pouring in at survivorninja@hotmail.com. Unfortunately, they're invisible, so I can't read or reply to them. Please resend your mail, and this time, make it VISIBLE. Thanks for that courtesy.

Tune in next week, when:
1) Yeah, Janu cries
2) Bobby Jon gets a fish, a whole, adult fish! Meanwhile, Tom captures a Sperm whale with his bare hands, and a blindfold on. That Tom, what kinda fireman training made you so deliciously awesome?
3) Ibrehem converts Bobby Jon to Islam, and Stephanie converts Ibrehem to being straight, for once.
4) Ibrehem gets voted out, and forms a group of African American pussies with Rory and Osten, calling themselves "The Hood Bitches!' They travel to ghettos around the US, getting pistol whipped and bitch slapped by every black guy with a pair of nuts that didn't make the show.

Man, I would pay to see that last one, how about you? Send donations to me, and I'll see what I can come up with.

Later, freaknuts!

On a serious note, this SN weekly update is dedicated to Mrs. Betsy Daniels, my high school sophmore English teacher, who passed away March 19th, 2005, here in Savannah, GA. Her love for teaching transcended her own personal trajedies, and made her one of the more memorable teachers I had in high school. Now rejoined with her dearly departed husband, may she find peace at last. Thank you Ms. Daniels. For every hardship, you chose success over defeat. That was your final lesson.


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