Survivor: Palau episode 1 recap

Best Survivor Quote ever: "...I knew we were f...; I knew we was in trouble."

Week #1, and I'm happy as hell.

Well folks, you can't beat an episode that starts with two people going home before the first Pontiac commercial. It's like magic. It's like Jeff reaches down, caresses your face for a moment, and you stare back at him, with those big, torch snuffing hands, and he leans in, and you lean in....wait, where was I going with this? Anyway (that was weird), apparently age and beauty are of no consequence as Wanda, the singing reincarnation of Boy Scout Lil, and Johnathan, just another brainless piece of eye-candy, got the boot on the sandy shores of their would-be home.

How do you explain that you lasted a couple of hours in Survivor? How do you go home and explain that to your family? Better yet, how in all holy hell do you stand up in a boat full of confused, tired from rowing strangers, and start singing Survivor tunes you made up before you came on the trip? Wow, that lady had some balls on her, let me tell you. And, yes, I'm the expert on ladies with balls.

Challenges are back in full swing. I loved the first challenge or as me and Rupert called it, the "get your ass on shore" challenge. It was simple: Get your ass on shore. That's it. No tricks or games, no memory or endurance tests, nothing. Just get your ass on shore. Did anyone see these two heroes jump out at like 500 yards from shore? How both of them didn't go home, it amazes me. All you had to do was paddle close to shore, THEN swim your ass to shore. Of course, the dolphin trainer, Ian, outswan the guys to shore. Jolanda, the former track star, ran her ass off to get the second necklace and immunity from the first cut. As I predicted, her personality began to grow from that moment. Man, I hate being right, but if I had to be, this was a good time. I knew Jo-Jo was going to be a control freak, but wow, that couldn't had worked out better if I had planned it. What was the deal with the grasshopper? It seemed like she was doing it to show off, not because she was hungry. What a freak!

What's that Angie?

No, I was talking about Jo-Jo.

Hold on a sec, Angie. What's that Coby?

No, I was talking about Jo-Jo. Yeah, thanks.

Sorry about that. Back to the plot:

So friendship did blossom in the deep jungle brush as Coby, the sassy bitch, and Angie, a tattooed and pierced "I'm all alone" girl, bonded immeadiately for obvious reasons. If you don't know the obvious reasons, it breaks down like this:

Chemical reactions in the male body when approached by females of similar interests creates a static effect on certain pheremones and nerve relays in the brain. This accounts for productivity when paired, thus creating a lasting bond. In laymen's terms: Every, and I mean every, goth chic has a gay male friend. It's been scientifically proven. Please don't argue with me about this one. I have documentation and test results that will support my argument.

Coby and Angie had a sacred alliance, and that bastard broke it the first chance he got. He had an opportunity to chooser Angie and save hert embaressment of watching Tammy become a member of the game, but no, he chose not to. What a dick! I'm not particularly fond of either one of them, not that I hate them, just don't like them yet. Even I thought that was a dick head move on his part. You could have chalked it up as nerves, or trying to play the game, but that was shitty. He should have his claws clipped. We may have a gay Johnny Fairplay on our hands.

The obstacle course, how I missed you! You look good. Did you lose some weight over the holidays? New Years' resolution, huh? Well, keep it up. Ulong and Kororororor went head-to-head with my good friend, Obby, the obstacle course. Obby had some tricky things laid out for those survivors, but ultimately, it was good planning, and Jolanda's personality that sealed the deal for Ulong. Korororororororor took their fire box, paddled easily to the flag, and claimed victory. But hold on, that's not the best part. They lost their reward, not ot Jeff, not to pirate ghosts, but to Mother freakin' Nature! A wave overturned their outrigger and sank their "specially weighted" box, containing dry flint. Dammit all to Osten!!! What luck! They tried a couple of times, but to no avail. Even the dolphin boy couldn't get it out of the water. Maybe if he used his aqautic animal communication powers, like Aquaman, he could rally the creatures of the deep to help. Alas, they did not respond, and no help came for them.

Ulong came to council, and it was a good one, indeed. Jo-Jo was broad-sided, and took the walk of shame. Everyone, both survivors and viewers, are better off now.

James - You're not Tom. You're not Twila. You're James, and you've joined an elite family of rednecks. Be proud, even though noone can understand you. And yes, Jeff is a son of a bitch.

Tom - You're a NYC Firefighter, so you have credibility. You're also athletic, so you'll get far in this game. But your best quality is that you look like the guy from the Cialis commercials, and that'll get you laid. Hope you brought some pills with you.

Ian - eek, eek, click, click, eek, click, click. Sorry folks, you can't speak dolphin like we can.

Janu - rock climbing, showgirl, emotional wreck from choosing someone to have on your team. I have a funny feeling we're going to be making fun of you a lot this season.

Ashlee - You're not as cute as your picture made us believe.

Jolanda - Have you watched Survivor before? You probably did everything you're not supposed to do on the first day, especially the cardinal rule - DO NOT ASSUME COMMAND! This will get you booted faster than Bubba in the middle of the girl tribe. You could have at least toned down a bit, but I had a feeling that was unlikely. You also said that you wouldn't have done anything different, which amazes me as to how you got there in the first place. You will not be missed Omarosa, I mean, Jolanda. What did I just say? Must of just slipped out. YOU'RE FIRED ZING!!

NEW FEATURES:
Polls and Rupert's Corner
Polls is well, a poll. I basically relay the info from CBS.com as to who is the favorite in America's hearts.

This week, the "Rupert's beard" award goes to Tom, who is leading the polls at 73%. It's no secret, he is pretty darn cool. I don't know how much of that is the "NYC" in front of his "Firefighter" occupation title, or if it's his performance up until now.

Dead last, or the "Why are you still here?" award goes to, surprise, Angie with a whopping 41%. You would think with that she would have at least one fan, but no, She came in a good 10 points behind Karyn, or "Which one?", Willard "Saggy McBoobs", and Coby "Flame On!". Man, you really are all alone. I had no idea.

Rupert's Corner:
This is when that old sea dog and teen mentor, Rupert, gives advise to the survivors on how to be a true champion
"Hello, this is Rupert. Ya know, my beard can grab a man's arm from 10 feet away, just by thinking about it. Now, doesn't that make you want to join a Big Brother / Big Sister program in your neighborhood? I'll give you some fish if you do."

Um, Rupert's Corner is a work in progress. Send me feedback on both of these new features to :

survivorninja@hotmail.com

Well, one down, a lot to go, and I'm seeing good things for this season. Its packed full with beautiful people, and some not some beautiful but contribute in other ways people. We'll see some hard hitting matchups this season.
Old firemen versus young bucks. Gay men versus tattooed (and now bitter) women. Steelworkers versus showgirls. Dolphine trainers versus hardcore mormons. Man, this sounds like a wet dream I had once. Um, you didn't just read that. See you next week when:
- Koror finally gets a fire going, and Tom instinctively, keeps putting it out. Good job, jerk!
- Ashlee asks Angie how the devil got such great detail with that bird he drew on her chest.
- James says something. Tom is brought in to translate. Twila is brought in to translate for Tom.