Survivor: Guatemala episode 2 recap

The fishmonger, the landscaper (supposedly), the real estate broker, and the gay guy.

Yeah, sounds like the average American family.

Clean your plate, or you won't get any week #2.

Lemme start by saying, yes, I am a slack bastard, but a slack bastard with good reason. My computer, a super-awesome E-machine, metaphorically shit the bed, and I had to get a new computer. Well, I have that computer, and it's at least 5 times more super-awesome than my other computer. With that being said, I'm planning on being back on track, producing only marginally late reviews instead of really late reviews. Now, back to the fun stuff...

Life without Jim. How will they survive? Oh yeah, exactly the same way they did before, puking and moaning. Last episode could be subtitled, "Botox" because it got rid of a lot of wrinkles. With that ugliness aside, Nakum's self-esteem was lower than Bobby Jon's last IQ test. But hopes were up as a wounded, winded, dehydrated, puking, bitching and complaining Nakum went into the reward challenge.

Reward was a big set of fishing gear. As Jeff said, besides the crocs, snakes, lizards, and deadly bugs, there are fish that you can eat, but they taste terrible. This challenge involved an upside rope net, and a pool of waste water runoff from the Survivor staff camp. Coincidentally, every location Survivor has been, now has a waste water lake filled with Mark Burnett's stink logs and Jeff's old, dirty needles (he likes to sew with his downtime). Survivors had to untie bags while hanging upside-down and race them back to their side. This being said, Rafe was the master of handling bags while upside-down. I could make a stupid joke involving his sexual orientation and a metaphor about "hanging bags", but it would be too obvious and a waste of time, so I will say this: he's had a lot of balls in his mouth before, ok?

Moving forward: Rafe, being a wilderness buff, has trouble with complex modern inventions, like ladders. This, ultimately led to the downfall of Yaxha, and the fishmonger would have no fishing gear. How tragically unfortunate (and who cares).

Nakum, with their new lease on life, set sail to catch a breakfast feast, and came back with a catch that was about 3 minnows shy of composing an entire fish stick.Yaxha, now detesting the taste of corn, looks for other means of nutrition in the jungle. Rafe's knowledge of nature, it's bounty, and his incredible ability for being on his knees for long periods of time helped him find food, a grasshopper and some ants. Steph also contributed, but in a less scientific way. She grabbed a plant, yanked it up, looked at
the roots, and says," I wonder if you can eat this?" Wow, Steph, you just put 6 years of Rafe's wilderness training right out the window. What a breakthrough, I hope CBS doesn't want half the prize money when you get the Nobel. Gary and Rafe shared a sit and some ants. To their surprise, they were a rare species of dung ants, and I'll leave it at that.
GET THEM SOME MINTS ZING!

Happiness was short-lived in the realm of NY doormen when Judd got tired of hearing Blake bitch about his shoulder. Well, Judd, when you do as well as he does in challenges, you can have Margaret pamper wipe your ass for a while. This would soon pass as Judd plans for greatness. Speaking of greatness, nobody on Yaxha knows about Gary's QB career, but Danni does! Yeah, she is a radio sport caster, and knew right off the bat who he was. This fact would soon be very entertaining.

Immunity challenge was tug-of-war in mud... how original. It was team vs. team, with a 1 vs 1 for the tie breaker. First single match was Judd vs. Gary, or Judd vs. a white stick. Why in the hell did Yaxha send gary against Judd? Anyway, during this matchup, Danni's words of encouragement revealed that Gary was a quarterback. Gary heard her, and his hopes sunk in the mud along with his stick legs. The only travesty was that no one on Yaxha was really paying attention to what she was saying; they only heard a sports reference. It's a good thing Danni took advantage, again, and told Brian that he was a ex-NFL athlete. Of course when approached, he denied the facts and stuck to his landscaping bit. Man, I love it when they squirm. Anyway, Yaxha came up short, due to Judd's pummeling, and tribal council their punishment.

Tribal was pretty straight-forward, as they all are at this point. Morgan is a lazy-ass, so she got booted. No fireworks or trickery, just get the hump out.

Steph - The jungle's not that different from the civilized world. Please, refrain from picking up random floor items and taste-testing them for edibility

Gary - If you really don't want everyone to know your "secret" quit saying "Ready? Break!" everytime more than 4 people are in a group
DOWN...SET...ZING!

Brian - We've been talking, and there technically is a 1 gay guy per tribe limit, and quite frankly, you're not gay enough. Rafe stays, you have to leave, crying if possible. Thanks for understanding. Also, we found out at the challenge that you're roughly equal to 2 women. Hope that helps you out somewhere down the road of life.

Judd - Good job, buddy. Now, if you could only get hit by a thorny tree...

Blake - Do you have Margaret calling you "sir" yet? You sure do have her well-trained.

Margaret - Sit. Stay. Pamper Blake. Good dog.

Amy - It'd be good to girly it up a little. You're giving off way too much of a Twila vibe, and quite frankly, it's creeping me out all over again.

Jamie - Um, if you're that confused on whether Steph is a boy or girl, then you should definitely not walk into the jungle with Rafe, or Brian, or both. It'd just confuse you more

Pop. Poll
No surprise that Steph is still leading the pack, and a distance 2nd and 3rd
go to BJ and Danny, respectively.

Rupert's Corner
Here he is, folks. You know him, you love him. It's Rupert.
"Hiya, PITs. That's Pirates In Training for all you land lovers out there. What? You don't abbreviate the preposition. What the hell did you just say to me? I abbreviate anything the hell I want to, buddy!"

Rupert's not always clear, but fair with the knowledge he does give. Any questions, comments, disgusting feet pictures, or sandwiches should be sent to survivorninja@hotmail.com. Your e-mail, or extreme lack there of, will be answered in a timely fashion, and in the order they were received.

Tune in next week when:
1) Gary, when handing out plates for dinner time, accidentally relapses, yells "HIKE!", and throws a plate full of hot corn through Lydia's head. Brian's only reaction: "Danny was right!"

2) Danny loses more weight and can now become totally undetectable by the human eye simply by turning sideways.

3) Judd complains about his shoulder being hit by a thorny tree right after Margaret gets voted off. AN ATTEMPT AT SOME HUMOROUS IRONY ZING!