Survivor: Palau episode 11, 12ish recap

First and foremost, I know I’m a bastard. At least I’ll admit it. I didn’t mean to get so backed up, but in my defense, I sorta got married, and I kinda went to Jamaica for a week, so you can’t be that mad at me, right? See, I knew you’d understand. Now, when you’re ready to stop shooting me the bird, we’ll begin…

Go ahead, I’ll wait…

I have nothing but time.

Ok, seriously, you can stop now.

Whatever, I’ll start without you.

Two, two, two weeks in one. Yeah, I’m going to knock out the last two weeks real quick just to save time. And if you’re patient, I might give you a surprise at the end! (Hint: it’s not a pony. I mean, I had one for you, but it died. Sorry about that. Also, don’t feed bars of soap to ponies. I learned that the hard way).

Week #11 and, 13, or is it 16
No, wait, are we at 12 already? Damn...um…I forgot what we’re on.

Well, the Ninja has settled down with a lovely lady, and by lovely, I mean controlling, and by settled down, I mean handed over my balls and turned in my player’s card, and by lady, I mean ice cream (Damn, I gotta stop writing these things so close to lunch). We had 2 weeks apart, and you still look the same as when I left. Seriously, you should change your clothes…slowly. Anyway, a lot has happened, and as I said, I’ll go quick and combine the two weeks because, let’s be honest, not a lot happen after Janu left. Clever editing gave us the impression that Tom might have been on his way out, but let’s face it, nothing brings a group together like their hatred of someone from Ulong.

Reward challenge was an auction for food. In much the same way a chimpanzee will drink its own urine out of sheer curiosity, the castaways bid big bucks for boxes of mystery and caloric value. Some ate well, and others left with pocket money, you know, for all those convenience stores and souvenir carts they have there, in Palau. Losers.

Immunity involved tossing coconuts, which, oddly enough, Greg majored in at Dumb F$%k University. NOT A SMART MAN ZING! Tom the caress of a mother’s touch, and the aim of a bar fly hitting a urinal cake from across the jon. His poor shot gave way to Ian’s first single immunity, which protected him from tribal council, which had nothing to do with anything, or anybody. Steph’s head was on a chopping block from the beginning. Being from Ulong will do that to you.

Steph bit it, but that only started the fun.

Oh yeah, it gets a lot better.

With the Ulongies out of the way, a sad Ninja watched as 6 friends jockeyed for position in each others’ alliances. Man, was that fun to see. Gregg rallied the girls. Tom and Ian rallied the wandering idiot (Yeah, you might call her Caryn) USELESS MEMBER ZING!

Reward was fun, but only if you wanted more conflict. Katie was pulled into the Greg alliance after Jen’s pet castaway won it for them. They set off for scheming and beer (which tastes pretty damn good together if you have just enough of both). Family members, though no one reported any dead grandparents, came to add yet another mandatory tear-filled reward. Honestly, does anyone really feel like a winner when they’re ballin’ half the time because their brother-in-law scammed a free trip to the South Pacific and a couple minutes on national television? Damn, I guess so because Mark Burnett does that sh!t all the time.

Anyway, Greg pulled Katie their way, and Tian (Yeah, its just easier to type) pulled “waste o’ coconut” with them. A tie was thought to be forced, but that was all part of the plan. Regardless what others say, no one was strong-armed or threatened, just give clear choices. Katie either voted with Tian, or was doomed to go the way of the Janu. Yeah, it was that serious. Katie folded, and Tian got the best of Greg. Man, he’s gonna have a tough vote, huh? I wonder how Jen will get him to vote once she’s on the jury? COUPLE OF LOSERS ZING!

Stephanie - I started with you because I was sorry to see you go. You have no real grudge to bare, because you were destined to go down, much like Bobby Jon on Ibrehem. Man, those gay Ulong jokes never get old.

Tom - Ian got two in a row. Losing your grip, or showing that you’re human?

Ian - Keep up the good work. The power of dolphins fills his body. Man, I wouldn’t want to go up against that. Maybe if I was a tuna net, but only if.

Katie - You’re what we call here in the states a “pushover”. You’re as predictable as a Janu crying spree.

Jen - Life’s gonna be different for you. Fixing you own plate of food, cleaning your own clothes. Kissing your own ass...wait, you know what I mean. NOT THAT FUNNY BUT GREG’S A PUSS ZING!

Gregg - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

wait, I got more for you...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Damn, I thought I might have gotten tired of that sooner, but it just came so natural to laugh in Greg’s dumb face.

Pop. Poll

Steph’s popularity continues to rise, at an all time high of 97%! She got cutier when she got on the jury to boot. Tom’s on top for those still in it. Yeah, Caryn is still he worst. Surprise there.

Rupert’s Corner

“Well, I don’t need your intro, ninja. I think there’s nothing worse than missing a dealine to hang out in Jamaica for a week, drinking beer and rum, eating all you want, tanning and napping all day. How selfish of you. Who do you think you are? No, seriously, who in the hell do you think you are? Dammit, man, think of the kids!!! Did you ever consider that? They look up to you for your youthful and comical insight on all things Survivor. They need you, we need you. Yeah, even I need you. The only excuse you have for not doing the review is if you’re ON Survivor. Otherwise, you better shape up, mister! My beard will not tolerate any more foolishness!”

Damn, Rupe, I didn’t know you felt so strong about it. Well, I’m going to cry about what I’ve done, but you can still get me at survivorninja@hotmail.com with your comments and bitchin’. Please, let me know how you feel.

I have no idea where the game is going from here, so I won’t attempt to tell you what’s happening next, but I will say that Week #13, and the finale reviews will be separate, the first coming on Saturday, and the other will be there for you first thing Monday morning. I’m still catching up on all the fun that is after-wedding bullsh!t. Visiting folks, rearranging the house, washing vacation clothes, and going through the mountains and mountains of gifts. Yeah, it’s rough, but that’s what a wife is for. I stay out of the way, and that’s my one job. Man, so far, so good.

Seriously, thanks for your patience with me, and we’ll all be watching this weekend. Later, dorks.