Survivor: Palau episode 14 (finale) recap

The finale was filled with surprises, but only if you haven’t watched the other 13 episodes.

It didn’t feel like Week #14 until they did they obligatory “summary of the last 13 episodes in 5 minutes or less” segment to kick off the 2-hour finale of Survivor Sunday night, but I knew, deep down, it was the end. I watched as Ian squirmed, several times, and cried twice as much in one night as all of Ulong’s and Janu’s tears put together. I watched as Tom went from being a noble fireman, to being a god amongst men. I watched as Jenn fought hard to rally for position, but met the demise that is an inability to make fire. I also watched as Katie…um, did nothing, like she has done so many weeks in the past. Wait! She did nap while Tom and Ian were stuck on buoys for 12 hours. I think that counts as “doing something”.

Jenn went down faster than Coby on prom night (Technically, he had quit school before prom night, but he did mouthersize some guy’s junk on the same night as his scheduled prom). She was doing well, but the guys wanted it more. She wasn’t on the same physical level as they were (that’s what Gregg was for). It came down to a double tie vote at council, and a fire-making competition, which I think is much better than drawing a rock. Jenn left quietly, and then the real fun began.

Ian was put under the spotlight, and man did he SQUIRM! Tom grilled him, and Katie, of course, stood right behind him, as he did so. Tom didn’t care; Katie was only in the running for the million the first day, and then she started “being Katie”. DO NOTHING LEECH ZING! Ian folded like a cheap suit, doubled-back on every word out of his mouth, and sobbed like his puppy had just died. Ok, maybe not a puppy, but maybe his favorite dolphin. Yeah, that’ll make him cry. He really had no comeback or defense for the accusations thrown at him. All he could was take the licks and do damage control. Jenn’s last act of a desperate women involved breaking the barriers of trust between Tom and Ian, and it worked. This maneuver guaranteed that at least one girl would go to final 3, if not both. That was probably the smartest thing she could have done.

“How much do you want it?” Answer: A lot, Jeff Probst, a lot. 12 hours of buoy balancing will make you say crazy things, and that’s exactly what Ian did. Trying to save face on a show based around deceit and trickery, Ian’s nobility interfered with his rational thought making processes, and he actually told Tom that he would give up if he would take Katie to the promised land of last 2 standing. Tom said, “Um, yes.”

Ian is a fool.

He gave the game to Tom. Katie had no one on her side to give her a million, and all three of them should have known that. Ian, on the other hand, could have made a decent case with the Tom-Haters aka Coby, Steph, Janu, and Caryn, if he wasn’t so damn wishy-washy. Apparently, Tom’s respect is worth more than $1,000,000, and Tom’s respect plus a new Corvette, priceless. Man, I hope Tom’s respect can pay all those dolphin food bills Ian has laying around the house, and put gas in his new Corvette. And luckily for Tom, the Tom-Haters’ hatred for Tom does not outweigh everyone’s hatred for Katie.

Jenn – You fought hard, but in the end, you man manipulation wasn’t enough. BTW, I loved that last-minute “gotcha last, gotcha best” move you put on Ian and Tom. Kudos to you! (Season’s first kudos, might I add.)

Ian – Giving Katie the number 2 seat will not get you sexed up by Katie. You’re an idiot, and I’m sorry I ever had faith in such a wimp. It’s a good thing dolphin don’t eat jellyfish, or you’d be a dead man! AQUATIC FOODCHAIN ZING!

Katie – You should have quit when Jenn left. You really had no shot at the money, and you know it. You had a better chance of getting laid than getting a million dollars, but then again, look who’s crying over you. He doesn’t look like the picky type.

Tom – Congrats. I guess now that Ian’s going back to his real life, you have to start sucking your own dong, you bad-ass!

Pop. Poll

In the end, money doesn’t mean shit. Stephanie was our most popular Survivor this season, beating Tom by 20 cool points. I guess surviving and winning are two different things.

Wow, that almost sounded like a PSA, or something you’d hear at the end of a G.I. Joe episode. I didn’t know I could be so deep.

Rupert’s Corner:
Well, as a fellow million dollar recipient, RB has a lot to say on the subject
“Hey Tom! You got a million dollars? Me too! Ain’t it awesome? By the way, nice beard, but you have a long way to go. Don’t forget about orphans; they need love, too!”

Wow. His words fill me with great awe and respect. No, I’m sorry, that was gas. This is your last chance (other than the next season, and pretty much any time this summer) to write me at survivornninja@hotmail.com. Let me know how I’m doing, what you like, don’t like, and I’ll be sure to read it, and immediately delete it to make room for progress. Ignoring people is fun!

My biggest regret this season is that they didn’t show Jeff courageously bringing the votes back to the mainland via jet-ski, skydiving, on the back of a dolphin, or riding on a pirate ghost ship. I mean, what is a finale without Jeff bravely slashing through jungle brush to find an appropriately placed means of transportation? Could it be your trying to define yourself as a legitimate TV personality, or are you hoping to get called to do “Rock n’ Roll Jeopardy” again, Jeff? The world may never know. I think Julie has him by the short and curlies.

SPECIAL REPORT

No, I’m not going to bring up those naked Ami pictures from last season (http://forum.realityfanforum.com/index.php?topic=3398.msg39578 )
but it seems Ramber (Yes, that’s Amber and moronic Red Sox fan put together) headed to the final showdown on Amazing Race with a heavy lead throughout the competition. well, turns out they lost HA! Yeah, Rob and Amber came in second and didn’t win the million. Luckily, they did have CBS fork over some moolah to do a show about their wedding. Unluckily for them, they’re going to court...against CBS. Seems that life is funny like that. From what I’ve heard (my dog told me, so you know it’s true), Rob and Amber are suing CBS for some weird stuff. Let me set up the scene for those who didn’t watch. The last leg of the ”Race” had teams taking a plane from Jamaica to Miami. Rob and Amber barely got on board, and the gate was closed, assuring them a hefty lead over the other two teams, and promising a very big payoff for them. Sources tell me CBS made arrangements (cha-ching) with the airlines to let the second place team on the same flight. If you know anything about homeland security, those folks WILL NOT reopen a gate after it has closed, end of file. Since it was Jamaica, and CBS does have a lot of money, and Air Jamaica was getting lots of airtime for this, the gates were reopened, and ultimately the team that was let on board BEAT Ramber to the finish line in Miami. A big Ha fucking Ha to Rob and Amber, ladies and gentlemen!

That’s what the lawsuit is about, that’s who won Survivor, and Rupert said what he had to say. I’m through for the summer. Everyone stay in touch, and thanks for reading this second season of my blog. We’ll definitely see you in the fall, and yes folks, I’m throwing my ninja star in the ring. I WILL be applying for Survivor season #12, immediately following Survivor: Guacamole. Hopefully, with my cat-like reflexes, and your support, I will make it to the big dance. The e-mail address will remain open all summer long, so if you hear any survivor myth or fact, e-mail me, and I’ll make sure that everyone gets to know about it. Also, I’m thinking of starting a news letter, so you can get my review straight to your e-mail, every time it’s posted. If interested, send me an e-mail saying, “Gimme that shit, hommie!” and I’ll work out the details this summer.

Later, toad lickers!