Survivor: Palau episode 14 (finale) recap

The finale was filled with surprises, but only if you haven’t watched the other 13 episodes.

It didn’t feel like Week #14 until they did they obligatory “summary of the last 13 episodes in 5 minutes or less” segment to kick off the 2-hour finale of Survivor Sunday night, but I knew, deep down, it was the end. I watched as Ian squirmed, several times, and cried twice as much in one night as all of Ulong’s and Janu’s tears put together. I watched as Tom went from being a noble fireman, to being a god amongst men. I watched as Jenn fought hard to rally for position, but met the demise that is an inability to make fire. I also watched as Katie…um, did nothing, like she has done so many weeks in the past. Wait! She did nap while Tom and Ian were stuck on buoys for 12 hours. I think that counts as “doing something”.

Jenn went down faster than Coby on prom night (Technically, he had quit school before prom night, but he did mouthersize some guy’s junk on the same night as his scheduled prom). She was doing well, but the guys wanted it more. She wasn’t on the same physical level as they were (that’s what Gregg was for). It came down to a double tie vote at council, and a fire-making competition, which I think is much better than drawing a rock. Jenn left quietly, and then the real fun began.

Ian was put under the spotlight, and man did he SQUIRM! Tom grilled him, and Katie, of course, stood right behind him, as he did so. Tom didn’t care; Katie was only in the running for the million the first day, and then she started “being Katie”. DO NOTHING LEECH ZING! Ian folded like a cheap suit, doubled-back on every word out of his mouth, and sobbed like his puppy had just died. Ok, maybe not a puppy, but maybe his favorite dolphin. Yeah, that’ll make him cry. He really had no comeback or defense for the accusations thrown at him. All he could was take the licks and do damage control. Jenn’s last act of a desperate women involved breaking the barriers of trust between Tom and Ian, and it worked. This maneuver guaranteed that at least one girl would go to final 3, if not both. That was probably the smartest thing she could have done.

“How much do you want it?” Answer: A lot, Jeff Probst, a lot. 12 hours of buoy balancing will make you say crazy things, and that’s exactly what Ian did. Trying to save face on a show based around deceit and trickery, Ian’s nobility interfered with his rational thought making processes, and he actually told Tom that he would give up if he would take Katie to the promised land of last 2 standing. Tom said, “Um, yes.”

Ian is a fool.

He gave the game to Tom. Katie had no one on her side to give her a million, and all three of them should have known that. Ian, on the other hand, could have made a decent case with the Tom-Haters aka Coby, Steph, Janu, and Caryn, if he wasn’t so damn wishy-washy. Apparently, Tom’s respect is worth more than $1,000,000, and Tom’s respect plus a new Corvette, priceless. Man, I hope Tom’s respect can pay all those dolphin food bills Ian has laying around the house, and put gas in his new Corvette. And luckily for Tom, the Tom-Haters’ hatred for Tom does not outweigh everyone’s hatred for Katie.

Jenn – You fought hard, but in the end, you man manipulation wasn’t enough. BTW, I loved that last-minute “gotcha last, gotcha best” move you put on Ian and Tom. Kudos to you! (Season’s first kudos, might I add.)

Ian – Giving Katie the number 2 seat will not get you sexed up by Katie. You’re an idiot, and I’m sorry I ever had faith in such a wimp. It’s a good thing dolphin don’t eat jellyfish, or you’d be a dead man! AQUATIC FOODCHAIN ZING!

Katie – You should have quit when Jenn left. You really had no shot at the money, and you know it. You had a better chance of getting laid than getting a million dollars, but then again, look who’s crying over you. He doesn’t look like the picky type.

Tom – Congrats. I guess now that Ian’s going back to his real life, you have to start sucking your own dong, you bad-ass!

Pop. Poll

In the end, money doesn’t mean shit. Stephanie was our most popular Survivor this season, beating Tom by 20 cool points. I guess surviving and winning are two different things.

Wow, that almost sounded like a PSA, or something you’d hear at the end of a G.I. Joe episode. I didn’t know I could be so deep.

Rupert’s Corner:
Well, as a fellow million dollar recipient, RB has a lot to say on the subject
“Hey Tom! You got a million dollars? Me too! Ain’t it awesome? By the way, nice beard, but you have a long way to go. Don’t forget about orphans; they need love, too!”

Wow. His words fill me with great awe and respect. No, I’m sorry, that was gas. This is your last chance (other than the next season, and pretty much any time this summer) to write me at survivornninja@hotmail.com. Let me know how I’m doing, what you like, don’t like, and I’ll be sure to read it, and immediately delete it to make room for progress. Ignoring people is fun!

My biggest regret this season is that they didn’t show Jeff courageously bringing the votes back to the mainland via jet-ski, skydiving, on the back of a dolphin, or riding on a pirate ghost ship. I mean, what is a finale without Jeff bravely slashing through jungle brush to find an appropriately placed means of transportation? Could it be your trying to define yourself as a legitimate TV personality, or are you hoping to get called to do “Rock n’ Roll Jeopardy” again, Jeff? The world may never know. I think Julie has him by the short and curlies.

SPECIAL REPORT

No, I’m not going to bring up those naked Ami pictures from last season (http://forum.realityfanforum.com/index.php?topic=3398.msg39578 )
but it seems Ramber (Yes, that’s Amber and moronic Red Sox fan put together) headed to the final showdown on Amazing Race with a heavy lead throughout the competition. well, turns out they lost HA! Yeah, Rob and Amber came in second and didn’t win the million. Luckily, they did have CBS fork over some moolah to do a show about their wedding. Unluckily for them, they’re going to court...against CBS. Seems that life is funny like that. From what I’ve heard (my dog told me, so you know it’s true), Rob and Amber are suing CBS for some weird stuff. Let me set up the scene for those who didn’t watch. The last leg of the ”Race” had teams taking a plane from Jamaica to Miami. Rob and Amber barely got on board, and the gate was closed, assuring them a hefty lead over the other two teams, and promising a very big payoff for them. Sources tell me CBS made arrangements (cha-ching) with the airlines to let the second place team on the same flight. If you know anything about homeland security, those folks WILL NOT reopen a gate after it has closed, end of file. Since it was Jamaica, and CBS does have a lot of money, and Air Jamaica was getting lots of airtime for this, the gates were reopened, and ultimately the team that was let on board BEAT Ramber to the finish line in Miami. A big Ha fucking Ha to Rob and Amber, ladies and gentlemen!

That’s what the lawsuit is about, that’s who won Survivor, and Rupert said what he had to say. I’m through for the summer. Everyone stay in touch, and thanks for reading this second season of my blog. We’ll definitely see you in the fall, and yes folks, I’m throwing my ninja star in the ring. I WILL be applying for Survivor season #12, immediately following Survivor: Guacamole. Hopefully, with my cat-like reflexes, and your support, I will make it to the big dance. The e-mail address will remain open all summer long, so if you hear any survivor myth or fact, e-mail me, and I’ll make sure that everyone gets to know about it. Also, I’m thinking of starting a news letter, so you can get my review straight to your e-mail, every time it’s posted. If interested, send me an e-mail saying, “Gimme that shit, hommie!” and I’ll work out the details this summer.

Later, toad lickers!

Survivor: Palau episode 13 recap

No more racists.

No more Muslims or Mormons.

No more Ulongies.

No more crazy Alabama men.

Just a fireman, a dolphin trainer, and the next two members of the jury.

Welcome to the Final Four*

*Not associated with CBS, NCAA Basketball, or that porno movie about this guy with a really long…um, nevermind.

Week #13, and things are just getting started.

Well, we’ve seen a lot of strange things:
• Sharks taking machetes to the head
• Terrible songs created by mindless English teachers
• Janu
It’s been a great season for the Survivor gang, and things are going to get more hairy from here on out. Just by seeing last night’s episode do we realize that all the real conflict and drama has been depressed and held in for a long time, and some people called “bullshit” at just the right time. Some people cried, some made and broke promises, and others strategized and plotted their way into pole position, and that was just Ian. YOU CRY LIKE A GIRL ZING! Also, let me address the “strong-arm” issue. If you honestly feel bullied on this show, you’re an idiot. You make the decisions, and some are more obvious than others. Just because they had a better idea than yours, doesn’t mean you’re forced into going their way. Katie could have just as easily taken her chances with Gregg and Jenn, and tried for a rock pull. I admire the way Tom and Ian cowboy up every time their plans get smashed, or looked damaged. That’s why there going to be 1st and 2nd, respectively, because let’s face it, Ian is a puppet with no real power in this game other than the woo of Katie, and that’s wearing very thing, as we’ve seen.

Reward challenge (yawn) was the “collection of stuff that you did already” challenge. Rope maze, puzzle, and air guns set the stage for the black ball of rewards, the car. This season, the curse, just got worse. Chevy graciously supplied a 2006 Corvette convertible, fully loaded I would assume. Now, Chevy SUVs are ok, sedans are good too, but a stinkin’ Corvette. I’d write my own name down on the paper at tribal if I had won that thing. People get kinda upset at the car winner, but I would go for blood if someone else got my Corvette. That’s a great 5th place prize, wouldn’t you agree? The curse had to fall on someone, and Ian was the lucky one, depending on how you see it. I never had a doubt of him making final four, but getting a car had me doubting his ability to latch onto Tom through 3 more councils. Letting Tom come with him didn’t help anyone either. It gave Caryn a chance to come clean with the girls and let them sway her decision-making skills. If it weren’t for the fact that she’s so freakin’ stupid that she managed to piss everybody off at the same time, she probably would have made it. Lucky us, she is in fact, freakin’ stupid.

Tom - Well, keep Ian in your pocket and your money. Not like he’s seen much else besides the inside of you pocket the entire game, but you know what I’m saying.

Ian - Nut up, grow a backbone, and get the job done. Tom won’t need you to kiss his ass when he’s got the million. He’ll hire people to do that kinda stuff.

Katie - You’re an idiot. Ian has your vote, and you’re number 3. Again, in case you missed it because you were busy trying to figure out what you’re going to say when you’re on the jury, you’re an idiot.

Jenn - No more Gregg, no more girl alliance, and no more hope.

Pop. Poll
Tom = tops. Katie = bottom. No real changes here.

Rupert’s Corner
Well, hopefully he’s calmed down a bit, but he’s back for more helpful hints.
“4 folks left, and not a one of them saw their mom or dad on this trip. See how important it is to spend time with your kids, especially the ones that play games for lots of money. My mom got a boat. That’s love for you. Peace out, homies!”

I guess he’s in a better mood. I did see a crooked smile emerge from that majestic beard of his. Please, someone, anyone, e-mail me at survivorninja@hotmail.com. I kow you can read this. I’ve been watching you while you’re on your computer. Let me ask you, do you search for “ice cream”, “shaved goats”, or “bike chains” to find those kinda sights?

Tune in Sunday when:
1) Tom finally says “that’s enough”, and leaves Ian with a mouth full of fireman love juice (gross)
2) Ian gets lots of calls from Ibrehem and Bobby Jon. Wonder what that’s about?
3) Katie actually thinks she can win. Ian told her so, and made a pinkey swear (snicker, snicker)
4) Jenn pulls a reverse Janu, and makes Katie believe that she can’t continue. Man, she really is manipulative.

Later, trout sniffers!

Survivor: Palau episode 11, 12ish recap

First and foremost, I know I’m a bastard. At least I’ll admit it. I didn’t mean to get so backed up, but in my defense, I sorta got married, and I kinda went to Jamaica for a week, so you can’t be that mad at me, right? See, I knew you’d understand. Now, when you’re ready to stop shooting me the bird, we’ll begin…

Go ahead, I’ll wait…

I have nothing but time.

Ok, seriously, you can stop now.

Whatever, I’ll start without you.

Two, two, two weeks in one. Yeah, I’m going to knock out the last two weeks real quick just to save time. And if you’re patient, I might give you a surprise at the end! (Hint: it’s not a pony. I mean, I had one for you, but it died. Sorry about that. Also, don’t feed bars of soap to ponies. I learned that the hard way).

Week #11 and, 13, or is it 16
No, wait, are we at 12 already? Damn...um…I forgot what we’re on.

Well, the Ninja has settled down with a lovely lady, and by lovely, I mean controlling, and by settled down, I mean handed over my balls and turned in my player’s card, and by lady, I mean ice cream (Damn, I gotta stop writing these things so close to lunch). We had 2 weeks apart, and you still look the same as when I left. Seriously, you should change your clothes…slowly. Anyway, a lot has happened, and as I said, I’ll go quick and combine the two weeks because, let’s be honest, not a lot happen after Janu left. Clever editing gave us the impression that Tom might have been on his way out, but let’s face it, nothing brings a group together like their hatred of someone from Ulong.

Reward challenge was an auction for food. In much the same way a chimpanzee will drink its own urine out of sheer curiosity, the castaways bid big bucks for boxes of mystery and caloric value. Some ate well, and others left with pocket money, you know, for all those convenience stores and souvenir carts they have there, in Palau. Losers.

Immunity involved tossing coconuts, which, oddly enough, Greg majored in at Dumb F$%k University. NOT A SMART MAN ZING! Tom the caress of a mother’s touch, and the aim of a bar fly hitting a urinal cake from across the jon. His poor shot gave way to Ian’s first single immunity, which protected him from tribal council, which had nothing to do with anything, or anybody. Steph’s head was on a chopping block from the beginning. Being from Ulong will do that to you.

Steph bit it, but that only started the fun.

Oh yeah, it gets a lot better.

With the Ulongies out of the way, a sad Ninja watched as 6 friends jockeyed for position in each others’ alliances. Man, was that fun to see. Gregg rallied the girls. Tom and Ian rallied the wandering idiot (Yeah, you might call her Caryn) USELESS MEMBER ZING!

Reward was fun, but only if you wanted more conflict. Katie was pulled into the Greg alliance after Jen’s pet castaway won it for them. They set off for scheming and beer (which tastes pretty damn good together if you have just enough of both). Family members, though no one reported any dead grandparents, came to add yet another mandatory tear-filled reward. Honestly, does anyone really feel like a winner when they’re ballin’ half the time because their brother-in-law scammed a free trip to the South Pacific and a couple minutes on national television? Damn, I guess so because Mark Burnett does that sh!t all the time.

Anyway, Greg pulled Katie their way, and Tian (Yeah, its just easier to type) pulled “waste o’ coconut” with them. A tie was thought to be forced, but that was all part of the plan. Regardless what others say, no one was strong-armed or threatened, just give clear choices. Katie either voted with Tian, or was doomed to go the way of the Janu. Yeah, it was that serious. Katie folded, and Tian got the best of Greg. Man, he’s gonna have a tough vote, huh? I wonder how Jen will get him to vote once she’s on the jury? COUPLE OF LOSERS ZING!

Stephanie - I started with you because I was sorry to see you go. You have no real grudge to bare, because you were destined to go down, much like Bobby Jon on Ibrehem. Man, those gay Ulong jokes never get old.

Tom - Ian got two in a row. Losing your grip, or showing that you’re human?

Ian - Keep up the good work. The power of dolphins fills his body. Man, I wouldn’t want to go up against that. Maybe if I was a tuna net, but only if.

Katie - You’re what we call here in the states a “pushover”. You’re as predictable as a Janu crying spree.

Jen - Life’s gonna be different for you. Fixing you own plate of food, cleaning your own clothes. Kissing your own ass...wait, you know what I mean. NOT THAT FUNNY BUT GREG’S A PUSS ZING!

Gregg - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

wait, I got more for you...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Damn, I thought I might have gotten tired of that sooner, but it just came so natural to laugh in Greg’s dumb face.

Pop. Poll

Steph’s popularity continues to rise, at an all time high of 97%! She got cutier when she got on the jury to boot. Tom’s on top for those still in it. Yeah, Caryn is still he worst. Surprise there.

Rupert’s Corner

“Well, I don’t need your intro, ninja. I think there’s nothing worse than missing a dealine to hang out in Jamaica for a week, drinking beer and rum, eating all you want, tanning and napping all day. How selfish of you. Who do you think you are? No, seriously, who in the hell do you think you are? Dammit, man, think of the kids!!! Did you ever consider that? They look up to you for your youthful and comical insight on all things Survivor. They need you, we need you. Yeah, even I need you. The only excuse you have for not doing the review is if you’re ON Survivor. Otherwise, you better shape up, mister! My beard will not tolerate any more foolishness!”

Damn, Rupe, I didn’t know you felt so strong about it. Well, I’m going to cry about what I’ve done, but you can still get me at survivorninja@hotmail.com with your comments and bitchin’. Please, let me know how you feel.

I have no idea where the game is going from here, so I won’t attempt to tell you what’s happening next, but I will say that Week #13, and the finale reviews will be separate, the first coming on Saturday, and the other will be there for you first thing Monday morning. I’m still catching up on all the fun that is after-wedding bullsh!t. Visiting folks, rearranging the house, washing vacation clothes, and going through the mountains and mountains of gifts. Yeah, it’s rough, but that’s what a wife is for. I stay out of the way, and that’s my one job. Man, so far, so good.

Seriously, thanks for your patience with me, and we’ll all be watching this weekend. Later, dorks.