Survivor: Vanuatu episode 7 recap

Riding coat tails is a lot like riding mechanical bulls. Eventually, you get tossed.

You dumb ass.

...you had me at "week 7"...

This week we got to see the mandatory tear-jerker episode where Jeff tells everyone there's a picture, or a letter, or a piece of furniture from home waiting for them if they win. I hate these episodes. I have 2nd degree burns from the sun scorching my naked skin, I've lost 45 lbs of body weight in the last month, and you reward me with a picture of me when I was 4 years old, peeing in the potty like a big boy? You bastards!!!

Thank God there was coffee to lift your spirits. Too bad that coffee is a diuretic (it dehydrates you). Are the reward guys at Survivor Inc. on strike or something? WTF? Was I the only one that noticed Rory was sweating like he had just run a marathon and all he did was SHOT A FREAKIN' SLINGSHOT!!! Rory, for the love of Osten, would ya please drink some water, buddy?

You got 2 tribes, one of which has an angry, no-one-is-on-my-side, black man dropping F-bombs like it's going out of style. Who's got the upper hand? You guessed it. Yasur picked their heads up, carried Scout to the challenges, and won them both. It was a big victory, not only for Yasur, but for intergender, interracial relationships, all throughout the Yasur tribe, especially with Rory (Oops, I'm sorry. Did I get some sarcasm on you?) Ami showed her hand to Rory. Probably couldn't have happened at a better time considering Ami, the uber-female, is going to ride out this Girl Power trip to the bitter end. She's like Hitler, if Hitler could make a damn fine cup o' Joe.

Sarge: Rules of engagement are basic military knowledge. You should have shot down the weaker shooters' tiles first, and kept yourself in as long as you could. I know your besmirched with the lovely thoughts of Twila dancing through your head, but snap out of it, man.

Chad: If you honestly think that this wasn't a numbers game, wait til you merge. You'll be counting guys leaving if you're not careful. Does that metal leg double as a torch snuffer? ZING!

Chris: You blew your credibility when you couldn't keep balanced in challenge #1. Noone wants to listen to you. Just keep voting the way Sarge tells you until your usefulness runs out.

Julie: It's about damn time you started talking about getting shafted. I wasn't sure you knew how this game was played for a second there. Kudos to you for outwitting Twila, the village idiot. I can't really make fun of you though. You're playing the hell outta the game right now. Just keep sun-bathing is my only request.

Twila: Sweetie, you're an idiot. You're the Lopevi joke. You know that saying if everyone laughs at the joke except you, it's probably ABOUT you. Well, either start laughing, or leave quietly.

Scout: You won two contests this time. I'm not talking about the challenges. You won the "Who can ride the coat tails longest" contest thanks to Jon leaving, and you won the "Biggest pile of human feces" contest once the Lopevi tribe's steak and eggs remnants finally biodegraded. Congrats. You must make your family proud.

Ami: I'm sorry about whatever it is the guy in your past did to you to make you so bitter towards men, but let that crap go. You biggest asset is your mouth. You're always vocal about how you feel. Which is why I hope someone eventually punches you in it.

Leann: Ami's gonna take you down with her. Flee now before she sucks out your will to live.

Eliza: Way to not do anything this week that brought moutains of attention to you. God job. And yes, I did notice that you didn't cry once this episode. My little Eliza is growing up. Whatever you had that made you stutter like an idiot last week, I think Rory's got it now.

Jon: All you had to do was NOT BOND WITH THE WOMEN, you labido-driven fool. You never had a chance with her. That note that I gave you, the one where Julie checked "YES" box on your "do you like me?" note? I wrote that. You're such a sucker. But yeah, those were some nice boobies. Man, you shoulda touched them

Anywho, this is the Ninja saying....nothing. Ninjas would never talk to you. You're not THAT cool.

Tune in next week when:
1) Chad stops counting his buddies on his toes and starts using his fingers, finally realizing he's outnumbered by women.
2) Ami slips up and tells everyone about her life before "the operation".
3) Rory finally is taught to understand the beauty of womenhood, and is accepted by the entire Yasur tribe, only to rip a coffee fart, and get voted off. Eliza cries and blames herself.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 6 recap

Leave it to a black man on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere to find him some crack. ZING!!!

Week 6, here we go...

In hindsight of the way he treated the two guys on Yasur last week, Jeff brainstormed with the producers and the challenge makers to come up with a way for the ladies to regret getting rid of Bubba: Pig wrangling. If I were to guess that any one survivor had chased and caught a pig before, my money is on Bubba. This would have been huge for the Yasur tribe. This could have turned the tide for Yasur in a big way. Alas, no one saw an orange picture of Bob Barker swiftly scooping up pigs like nobody's business. For Rupert's sake, even Twila got her a squealer (his name is Chirs).

Again this week, terrible reward. Yes, I agree that protein is very important in anyone's diet. When your stuck on an island with every poop you've had for the last 30 +/- days, a huge plate of steak and eggs just creates problems. I didn't even mention the fact that there will be a substantial ammount of flammible gases hanging over the Lapevi camp on a volcanic island. The next eruption could be there last.

Immunity challenge was some of the same. Bubba would have been an asset, but's he's too dumb to survive. The ladies came up short. Rory again gave 110% like he always says he does. Well, it was a little more like 108.74% but we'll let him round up. You earned it, buddy.

Rory: I'm gonna give you insight into the white mind. First off, 5 white women in a group will be scared when a black man approaches, it's natural. Take this in stride. When 5 white women hear a black man say things like "crack" and "slave", again you're gonna freak some people out. These phrases should be avoided at all costs, for fear of you waking up on a beach by yourself. Aside from that, you should have left you pity pot at the Lapevi camp. Jon might need it next week.

Scout: You have nothing to fall back on. You've rode coat tails thus far. You're going home next week. Nothing cute to say about you, no jokes, nothing. Just leave quietly.

Sarge: TWILA...IN A DRESS!?!?!?!? Somebody get medical over here. Sarge got a bad steak, sun poisoning, or something. All this leading has gotten the best of him. Plus, he's messing with Chris' girl here. Sarge, a marine you may be, but don't mess with the white trash's girl. Those guys go crazy when they fight you with like bottles and biting and junk. Man, you better watch your leather neck, Sarge.

Chris: Ok, now calm down. Sarge didn't mean it. He's under a lot of pressure, that's all. Just eat your steak and everything will work itself out in the morning. No, no, no that wasn't Twila on Sarge's shoulders, it was, um, Jon, yeah that's it, Jon. It just looked funny with the sun coming in at this angle. Let's go over here for a little bit and find some Rory fruit.

Twila: Playing the field, I hear ya. I think you found you calling; guys on deserted islands. Some women dig lawyers, some doctors, some cowboys. You need to go after the one's who haven't interacted with women in a couple of weeks. They're ripe for the pickin'.

Julie: Nice blurs. Come on, CBS. Yeah, ok, I understand the "no nipple" policy, but you won't even let me see the side of the boob? Thanks a lot, Janet Jackson.

Nub (you know who you are): I think you should step up (no pun intended) and start taking a stand (no pun intended) as a leader of the group. You need to kick (no pun intended) the stereotypes and run circles (no pun intended) around the competition. If you don't, you won't have a le....do I really need to finish this sentence?

Lisa: You stuck to your word...you big dummy.

Eliza: Probably the biggest thing helping you out right now is the fact that women can't cohabitate a common space for an indefinite ammount of time without getting on each other's nerves. Your mid-challenge quitting had little to do with the vote, when it should have been more closely examined. Thank that old pirate in the sky Rupert, that Leann quit during an immunity challenge. That was in your favor, whether you knew it or not. By the way, next time your responsible for a failure, suck it up and move forward, don't sit there like a bumbling idiot trying to form sentences with nothing but vowels.

Leann: (see above statement, find parts relevant to you, remember it)

Jon: Again, keep your head down. One more vote and it's merge time. You've done well to avoid the vote of the majority, like a young, white Rory.

Well, that's all I got outta this week. Tune in next week when:

1) In a freak drunken accident, Twila accidentally marries Chris...and Sarge. She then finds her old yearbook, reads what Dah wrote her, and remember how good it truely was with him...
2) Eliza and Leann have a staring contest; both give up in the middle of it; both cry about it later.
3) Rory tries that nude sun-bathing trick over at Yasur. Ami complains, and Scout gets voted out for it.
4) Next week's reward challenge involves fixing a car; reward is Metamucil and Vodka

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 5 recap

I'd like to call this episode, "Bubba's first and last earthquake".

Take 18 people. Put them on an tropical island. Make them find and purify their own water. Make them go through physical challenges almost everyday. How do we reward them? Let's dehydrate 'em with salty snack foods and alcohol!!

Welcome to week #5

Ok, I understand why Sarge could be chosen as the "chief" of Lepavi, but Scout? Am I taking crazy pills, or did they just elect the most useless, uninformed, waste of good water on their team? I don't get it. The only thing she's good for is a vote, unless the immunity challenge calls for a slow-moving contest, which I've yet to see.

My biggest problem this episode was with Jeff. Yes, Jeff the host.

Come on!!!. Ok, I can understand a little critique, but dammit Jeff, you flat out tattled on the Yasur boys. Rory, with his inability to untie knots, and Bubba, with his inability to row, was very inapporpriate. I mean, what happened to bros before hoes? Damn, you've changed Jeff. I don't think I can continue this relationship. I'll send over Rupert to get my stuff tomorrow morning.

Sarge: You did well. You stacked the most women and the weakest men on one team. Scout had to choose it because she would have been a target on the other one. Kudos to you. By the way, gold has no taste, so please don't describe food to anyone again, ever.

Twila: I knew if you hung in there, you'd find true love. Love, thy name is Chris. We never knew you were such a conversationalist, Twila. "laughs like Goofy, we both make roads. This old boy is cool, man." Note: laughs like Goofy is a phrase to describe the chuckling noise Goofy the Disney character makes when he talks. If you don't know what this sounds like, then let me be the first to welcome you to Earth, and may I suggest a trip to Orlando, FL?

Jon: Do the sexy math: Twila and Chris make 2 (gross). Sarge and Chad are married: 4. That leaves 2, you and Julie. Damn, if you had seen that coming, you'd have given here the immunity necklace, huh? It's all good though, you still have plenty of opportunity to score. I'd say at the most, lemme see, 3 days between councils times 2 women = 6 days. If you need more time, you'd better win immunity. We'll see how bad you want it.

Chris: You could drink two lifetimes worth of beer, and Twila would still be repulsive. If you plan on making a move, I would suggest 2 things:
1) blindfold (yet another Buff use)
2) plan a spot near an active volcano. The overwhelming smell of sulfuric fumes will help mask the fact you're with Twila, if only for a little while.

Bubba: A quick lesson on how sound works; sound travels in all directions, not just the person you're trying to TALK TO DURING AN IMMUNITY CHALLENGE. Can you hear me now? ZING! You could have talked to Chris right after you threw down your buffs, you could have talked to Chris at camp. You knew the merge was coming, but you picked, quite possibly, the worst time to discuss alliance ever.

Well, those are my thoughts, simple as they may be.
See you next week when:

- Through voodoo magic and volcanic radiation, Ami and Rory fuse together to form, Romi, the biggest bitch on the island
- Chris tries to make a move on Twila; both fall into a volcano
- Sarge writes a book on the island entitled, "Foods I Miss, and the Precious Metals that They Taste Like"
- Jon and Julie fall in love...with Dah, in a surprise twist.
- Scout will sit down somewhere, try to figure out how she's gonna win, fart, then take a nap, thus producing the only interesting footage of her for that week

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 4 recap

Dah: the only winner this week on Survivor

Someone should have told him that giving 7 starving American women anything with sugar in it will get you anything you want. Even the promise of sugar will get you something. Thanks to Dah's serious-ass hunter-gatherer skills, the women are closer than ever. It just goes to show you that aging hippies, red-neck construction workers, and coffee baristas can coexist in harmony, just like the David Bowie song says.

Scout - Noone is polluting your environment, that's the smell of your rotting flesh holding the others back

Eliza - You voted the way you wanted to, and there's no shame in that. You did fine; don't let anyone else tell you differently. Oh, expect for the part where you made yourself look like an untrustworthy bitch. Other than that, you did fine.

Sarge - I think you're rank is going to your head. These people are not in the service, and you're not their first sergeant. Start acting like a survivor and less like a military puppet waiting for higher orders to get rid or Rory. Nobody will hold it against you if you decide to snake the alliance and jack him. Not like he'd be missed, and you'd still have the numbers.

Jon - Dude, you're a rat. I think the biggest shocker (although I should have seen it coming) is when you voted with "9 legs" and helped ditch Brady. Do you really think that vote is going to make the guys say, "Oh, you're with us? Oh, ok. I didn't know. Welcome aboard!"? No, they're going to boot you first chance they get. And to make matters worse, you're about to switch dance partners and possible get some of those women on your team that you didn't give immunity to. Good going, genius.
(Note: there was no way of Jon knowing that he was going to be switching tribes. But I like to make fun of people, and I ran out of things to make fun of him about, so back off)

Rory - I can't be mad at you. That challenge was totally unfair, and racist might I add. Why would they appoint you the "look-out" for a challenge based on dividing and keep seperate different colors? I would have been insulted if it were me. Then again, if I were you, I would be preoccupied with trying NOT to get voted out, so I guess I can't blame you. Between me and you Rory, don't poke at rocks for hours and call it fishing; it makes white people mad apparently.

Brady - You work for the FBI and you didn't even see that coming? Damn, I feel safer already. You should have known you were a target a) one of the 2 young guys left and, b) being more athletic than Jon. Second, you should have known that rat-boy was going to try and sell you out because "9 legs" saw you and him as a coin-toss. It could have been either one, but he fought harder to get you out. Yeah, you're in the FBI alright, if it's For Big Idiots. ZING!!!
(Note: Zings will become a part of every week's review, because I can; so there)

Travis - Yes, family is important, but you're forgetting one thing: there's no jury yet. You have to wait until people are watching so they can see you cry and be "down to earth". That's what gets you the prize, buddy. Wasting tears all over your good Bob Barker shirt is not gonna win you that million. Suck it up, and practice that routine for when eyes are on you.

Chris - Why am I still looking at you? You should have been gone a long time ago. The only thing you have going for you is your age. The fact that it's closer to the older guys than the younger guys is the ONLY thing that has keep you here. You're uninteresting to talk to, I haven't seen you do much work around camp, and you have to be carried through challenges. In other words, you'll probably end up winning the whole thing.

Well, all bets are off as they switch members next week. I don't think they'll merge this earlier, but they arte going to break up the alliances in order to give the younger folks a shot at the $1 million. See you next week when:

1) Rory complains about something, then goes to poke rocks with stick for relaxation.
2) Dah proposes to Twila, and they have little tree-climbing babies with mullets.
3) Sarge snaps and tells everyone about his "reassignment" surgery
4) After hearing Sarge confess, Twila does the same thing, and Dah kills himself in a rage of passion and confusion.

(I apologize that it's so late in the day; I had to think of material without using boobs jokes. It was harder than I thought.)

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 3 recap

Eliza, good job. We finally learned your name this episode. Unfortunately, it is now associated with all things wishy-washy. What were you thinking? I don't know if the producers told you this, but there ARE cameras recording you every move. How can you sit with the anti-Dolly coalition and try to beg for someone's trust, then go to the pro-Dolly faction, and do the same thing, WITH EVERYONE WATCHING YOU. You were one step short of offering carnal pleasures for that immunity necklace (Jon, I was rooting for you), and quite frankly, it would have changed the meaning of "reward" challenge for a lot of the guys watching.

Twila, you also had a moment. It seemed like you had atoned for past discretions with the "young 'ens" (the "sorority girls"sounds much better; leave it the redneck to create a label that sticks). Again, amazing similarity, not only in physique, but in attitude to Alicia from Survivors past. Very interesting. Has Alicia gone through surgical procedures to fool the producers and try yet again for the prize? All I can say is if you do let the younger girls braid your hair, you will look even more like Alicia. Bad idea.

Sarge, you have disappointed me. Rory, or "Royry" as he is affectionately known by the phonetically challenged, is a lump of crap. A bitching, moaning, Vitamin-C gathering lump of crap. "Wow, fruit. Thanks, Rory. Um, could you show me where you got these before tribal council? Oh, no reason in particular. Thanks buddy." And then the hammer fell. J.P. Young, vibrate, creepy looking in the face, he felt the wrath of an alliance scorned. Sarge took it personal that J.P. would threaten a member of his alliance, the "9 legs" as I like to call them (think about it). Why in the ever living hell would you want to get rid of the guy who's not a pile of human feces? I don't know all the rules, but are you allowed to bring common sense as a luxury item? ZING!!!

Amy, nice boobs, and by boobs I mean immunity necklace, and by nice I mean I like the way your chest looks.

I guess that's it for this week. Tune in next week where:
1) Twila will have corn-rows
2) Rory will bitch about something on his way to get his torch snuffed
3) Eliza will side with a hermit crab over Scout and cause more mayhem
4) Sarge yells during a challenge, again
5) Somebody's T-shirt will fit a little tight (giggle, giggle) and I hope it's Bubba