Survivor: Vanuatu episode 5 recap

I'd like to call this episode, "Bubba's first and last earthquake".

Take 18 people. Put them on an tropical island. Make them find and purify their own water. Make them go through physical challenges almost everyday. How do we reward them? Let's dehydrate 'em with salty snack foods and alcohol!!

Welcome to week #5

Ok, I understand why Sarge could be chosen as the "chief" of Lepavi, but Scout? Am I taking crazy pills, or did they just elect the most useless, uninformed, waste of good water on their team? I don't get it. The only thing she's good for is a vote, unless the immunity challenge calls for a slow-moving contest, which I've yet to see.

My biggest problem this episode was with Jeff. Yes, Jeff the host.

Come on!!!. Ok, I can understand a little critique, but dammit Jeff, you flat out tattled on the Yasur boys. Rory, with his inability to untie knots, and Bubba, with his inability to row, was very inapporpriate. I mean, what happened to bros before hoes? Damn, you've changed Jeff. I don't think I can continue this relationship. I'll send over Rupert to get my stuff tomorrow morning.

Sarge: You did well. You stacked the most women and the weakest men on one team. Scout had to choose it because she would have been a target on the other one. Kudos to you. By the way, gold has no taste, so please don't describe food to anyone again, ever.

Twila: I knew if you hung in there, you'd find true love. Love, thy name is Chris. We never knew you were such a conversationalist, Twila. "laughs like Goofy, we both make roads. This old boy is cool, man." Note: laughs like Goofy is a phrase to describe the chuckling noise Goofy the Disney character makes when he talks. If you don't know what this sounds like, then let me be the first to welcome you to Earth, and may I suggest a trip to Orlando, FL?

Jon: Do the sexy math: Twila and Chris make 2 (gross). Sarge and Chad are married: 4. That leaves 2, you and Julie. Damn, if you had seen that coming, you'd have given here the immunity necklace, huh? It's all good though, you still have plenty of opportunity to score. I'd say at the most, lemme see, 3 days between councils times 2 women = 6 days. If you need more time, you'd better win immunity. We'll see how bad you want it.

Chris: You could drink two lifetimes worth of beer, and Twila would still be repulsive. If you plan on making a move, I would suggest 2 things:
1) blindfold (yet another Buff use)
2) plan a spot near an active volcano. The overwhelming smell of sulfuric fumes will help mask the fact you're with Twila, if only for a little while.

Bubba: A quick lesson on how sound works; sound travels in all directions, not just the person you're trying to TALK TO DURING AN IMMUNITY CHALLENGE. Can you hear me now? ZING! You could have talked to Chris right after you threw down your buffs, you could have talked to Chris at camp. You knew the merge was coming, but you picked, quite possibly, the worst time to discuss alliance ever.

Well, those are my thoughts, simple as they may be.
See you next week when:

- Through voodoo magic and volcanic radiation, Ami and Rory fuse together to form, Romi, the biggest bitch on the island
- Chris tries to make a move on Twila; both fall into a volcano
- Sarge writes a book on the island entitled, "Foods I Miss, and the Precious Metals that They Taste Like"
- Jon and Julie fall in love...with Dah, in a surprise twist.
- Scout will sit down somewhere, try to figure out how she's gonna win, fart, then take a nap, thus producing the only interesting footage of her for that week