Survivor: Vanuatu episode 7 recap

Riding coat tails is a lot like riding mechanical bulls. Eventually, you get tossed.

You dumb ass.

...you had me at "week 7"...

This week we got to see the mandatory tear-jerker episode where Jeff tells everyone there's a picture, or a letter, or a piece of furniture from home waiting for them if they win. I hate these episodes. I have 2nd degree burns from the sun scorching my naked skin, I've lost 45 lbs of body weight in the last month, and you reward me with a picture of me when I was 4 years old, peeing in the potty like a big boy? You bastards!!!

Thank God there was coffee to lift your spirits. Too bad that coffee is a diuretic (it dehydrates you). Are the reward guys at Survivor Inc. on strike or something? WTF? Was I the only one that noticed Rory was sweating like he had just run a marathon and all he did was SHOT A FREAKIN' SLINGSHOT!!! Rory, for the love of Osten, would ya please drink some water, buddy?

You got 2 tribes, one of which has an angry, no-one-is-on-my-side, black man dropping F-bombs like it's going out of style. Who's got the upper hand? You guessed it. Yasur picked their heads up, carried Scout to the challenges, and won them both. It was a big victory, not only for Yasur, but for intergender, interracial relationships, all throughout the Yasur tribe, especially with Rory (Oops, I'm sorry. Did I get some sarcasm on you?) Ami showed her hand to Rory. Probably couldn't have happened at a better time considering Ami, the uber-female, is going to ride out this Girl Power trip to the bitter end. She's like Hitler, if Hitler could make a damn fine cup o' Joe.

Sarge: Rules of engagement are basic military knowledge. You should have shot down the weaker shooters' tiles first, and kept yourself in as long as you could. I know your besmirched with the lovely thoughts of Twila dancing through your head, but snap out of it, man.

Chad: If you honestly think that this wasn't a numbers game, wait til you merge. You'll be counting guys leaving if you're not careful. Does that metal leg double as a torch snuffer? ZING!

Chris: You blew your credibility when you couldn't keep balanced in challenge #1. Noone wants to listen to you. Just keep voting the way Sarge tells you until your usefulness runs out.

Julie: It's about damn time you started talking about getting shafted. I wasn't sure you knew how this game was played for a second there. Kudos to you for outwitting Twila, the village idiot. I can't really make fun of you though. You're playing the hell outta the game right now. Just keep sun-bathing is my only request.

Twila: Sweetie, you're an idiot. You're the Lopevi joke. You know that saying if everyone laughs at the joke except you, it's probably ABOUT you. Well, either start laughing, or leave quietly.

Scout: You won two contests this time. I'm not talking about the challenges. You won the "Who can ride the coat tails longest" contest thanks to Jon leaving, and you won the "Biggest pile of human feces" contest once the Lopevi tribe's steak and eggs remnants finally biodegraded. Congrats. You must make your family proud.

Ami: I'm sorry about whatever it is the guy in your past did to you to make you so bitter towards men, but let that crap go. You biggest asset is your mouth. You're always vocal about how you feel. Which is why I hope someone eventually punches you in it.

Leann: Ami's gonna take you down with her. Flee now before she sucks out your will to live.

Eliza: Way to not do anything this week that brought moutains of attention to you. God job. And yes, I did notice that you didn't cry once this episode. My little Eliza is growing up. Whatever you had that made you stutter like an idiot last week, I think Rory's got it now.

Jon: All you had to do was NOT BOND WITH THE WOMEN, you labido-driven fool. You never had a chance with her. That note that I gave you, the one where Julie checked "YES" box on your "do you like me?" note? I wrote that. You're such a sucker. But yeah, those were some nice boobies. Man, you shoulda touched them

Anywho, this is the Ninja saying....nothing. Ninjas would never talk to you. You're not THAT cool.

Tune in next week when:
1) Chad stops counting his buddies on his toes and starts using his fingers, finally realizing he's outnumbered by women.
2) Ami slips up and tells everyone about her life before "the operation".
3) Rory finally is taught to understand the beauty of womenhood, and is accepted by the entire Yasur tribe, only to rip a coffee fart, and get voted off. Eliza cries and blames herself.