Survivor: Vanuatu episode 11 recap

Leann getting voted off makes turkey taste better. I suggest everyone tries it

...baste a 15 lb. SN week 11 for 8 hours until golden brown...

I had a moment of clarity on Thursday. It was either the beer, the plate of turkey, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, cream corn, rice, gravy, rolls, stuffing, cranberry, macaroni and cheese, or the plate of pumpkin pie, pumpkin cheese cake, mud pie, and more beer. Whatever is was out of that stuff I ate (before Thanksgiving dinner), something finally clicked. No, I didn't realize Ami was gay until this episode. Yes, it does explain her behavior thus far. Yes, I was laughing my cloaked-in-darkness, ninja nuts off when that expression came across her face during tribal. My nin-laws (yes, ninja in-laws) were all laughing about it, and throwing shurkeins, because it was funny and that's what ninjas do. I have never bonded with them like that before. It was obvious when we were fighting pirates and flying around later that night. But I digress...

Reward was expected. What better time for CBS to show off loved ones than on Thanksgiving? The whole "satellite" routine was lame. Yeah, Jeff, you got us -wink,wink-. You're sooooo sneaky. Way to embaress Twila there, Jeff. You feel like a big man now? Like to make the ladies cry, huh Jeff? I haven't invoked the power of Rupert in a while, but I'll do it. (side note: to all ninjas - Rupert is the only pirate allowed to live after the great reckoning.) He'll Hawaiian Sling your ass like it's nobody's business. Anyway, everyone got to meet Eliza's mom, which is probably why they wanted her gone. We definitely see where she picked up her more annoying habits, like breathing.

Immunity was interesting. Leann's whimsical antics with her "friend" paved the way for her to go home. Chris fought hard, but came up short to the Birkenstock wrecking crew of Ami and mate. Everyone was just thrilled to have a loved one there, and what better way to make them feel welcome and thank them than by blind-folding them, screaming at them, and making them look like bumbling fools on a national medium. Way to go, CBS; FOX ain't got poop on you!

All kidding aside, do you think CBS stacked the women's side with gay ladies to try and cause commotion and drama? It would make perfect sense. An all-woman alliance that actually didn't want a man in their corral. That's exactly how it went down, too. Also take note that the straight women, Dolly, Mia, Lisa, all got voted out. CBS, you sly dog. Did you really think we wouldn't notice? I bet you didn't account for the utter cowardice and uselessness of Chris to gum up the works. Lesbian #2 Leann (Rory was one) got the boot after she spoke the magic words, "Immunity doesn't really matter." Let's make a list for the viewers new to survivor experience. These phrases will guarantee that you get voted out at tribal council:
- I'm in control
- I'm the deciding vote
- I don't need immunity
- I'm the biggest threat out here (typically said by those who really suck)
- I know exactly what's going on
- I have no clue what's going on
- I hate Rupert (will get you shot in some circles)
- I know who I can trust
- We have the majority
- I quit (Osten, you puss)
- Hi, I'm Alisa (see Australia, All-Star)

Chris - Give the "swearing on my families' lives" routine a rest. Nobody's buying it. Plus, if your family dies, they'll know you were lying.

Julie - Make a choice. Ami is the prettier, but Twila will beat your ass. Fem or Butch, Julie? Which will it be? Seriously, watch your back because you're straight, and they'll vote you off in a heartbeat.

Ami - Have you ever spilled coffee on someone, and they asked you if could do it again because the pain helped the aliens in their head make decisions like how often I should breathe and where to stab dogs? No. Well, I imagine you would make a face similar to the one you made when you heard each vote for Leann. SUCKA!!

Scout - Who's more sad? The most worthless woman in the world, or the one who sleeps with the most useless woman in the world? The only real loser is the bed. GROSS ZING!

Twila - A son?!?!? Safe money had you swing from the other side of the plate. After your dental display at the last immunity challenge, I figured you for a hard-core woman slayer, but I guess you got a soft spot for the stiff parts. Still, who saw that coming?

Eliza - You're mom almost got you kicked out. Who could be more annoying than Eliza? The woman that spawned her, that's who, mister! How come Eliza is the only one who asked for a parent, and everyone else asked for a lover? (Twila, I'm not ignorant. I know you broke up with your son two weeks ago.)

Leann - Your friend? Come on. You're not fooling anyone.

Seriously, she's just your friend? Oh, ok. Grade school together, right

No, really. You can tell me. She's not maybe a little, more than a friend? Leann....Lee...

Come on, I really wanna know. Honestly, you kiss her and junk, right? No Leann, friends don't kiss like that.

Alright, I'll drop it.

Seriously, you had sex with her, didn't you

Well, apparently Leann's not talking. Seems silence could have been her new "friend" at tribal council. Don't worry Leann, you have all the hangout time you can handle now that you're not winning the game, ever. SECOND ZING!!!

Well, turkey's coming out. Gotta run. Tune in next week when:
1) Chris comes out of the closet
2) Julie comes out of the closet
3) Eliza comes out of the closet
4) Ami says she was just kidding about the whole gay thing
5) Dah bring his new boyfriend, Deh, to the camp
6) Jeff gets in fight with Deh over earrings that Dah got in tree mail.