Survivor: Vanuatu ep9 recap... for real this time

Due to the huge fan response for me to continue writing reviews, I took some time for meditation to refocus my energies, and I am now ready to tear into the most revolting cast on Survivor to date.

I have a cousin who eats dirt and talks to trees. He cries when he sees frogs and laughs at cars. He's more intelligent than all three, oops, I mean two, guys that are left in the game.

week #9, and getting worse

This has got to be the worst Survivor crew I have ever seen. I think they lowered their standards when casting this season. Lower than Thailand, you say? Yes, even lower than Thailand. The reward challenge was key to figuring out how stupid the guys are. There was obvious tension between Eliza and Scout, the Man-Haters' mascot, but instead of using her for another vote, Chad suggested that they get rid of her. Am I taking crazy pills? Did he just say what I thought he said? Man, that's dumb. That's standing out in the rain dumb. That playing in traffic dumb. That's not voting off Chris who costs us the first challenge dumb.

Immunity was no better. It was another brain challenge, which we knew the guys would not win. With no real surprise, all three sat down after the first round. Ami won immunity. She was probably the person who needed it the least. The guys didn't even try. They just floundered, like usual. It was embarrassing for anybody who currently owns a penis.

Chad - Obviously, you're not a leader. You're not even a good follower. You haven't won immunity yet, and I'd bet money that you won't. You might as well bow out during the next vote and save some time.

Chris - You yellow-bellied, back-stabbing S.O.B. Congratulations. Your cowardice bought you 3 - 6 more days. You don't win money for that, dumbass. I can't say this enough, but you should not be there to begin with, now you turn on Sarge. May you rot in hell for all eternity for what you've done. You are dead in the eyes of Rupert.

Leann - You need to start focusing on the prize which is Ami leaving ASAP. You could very easily rally the others against her. Instead, you're going to leave with a pat on the back, and a "Better luck next time" ringing in your ear.

Eliza - You could have had an honest shot at the million, but you choose to vote with the same group of women that hate you. You're like a female two-legged Chad.

Scout - Please, don't sing to Sarge, he'll only kill you quicker.

Ami - You're a puppet-master, I'll give you that. But, you're blinded by that power. Julie may come from behind and hamstring you if you're not careful. I'll be watching, laughing at your dumb-ass.

Twila - You're seen more as one of the guys than one of the girls. Scout may try and keep you around for sexual favors, but that's you're only usefulness to her.

Julie - You may be less attractive than before because of your betrayal, but I've still got my money on you for winning the whole thing.

Sarge - You played the best game possible, for a dumb bastard. Military Intelligence, you ain't.

Sir, ZING, Sir!

Well, that's all I could do for this episode. I'm sorry I got upset. I can't stay mad at you, Survivor. We both need to change, that's all.

Tune in next week when:
1) I threaten to never write another review, again.
2) Chad finally figured out he's by himself, as Jeff is snuffing his torch.
3) Dah and Rupert show Chris the true meaning of Christmas, then pummel him for being so freakin' stupid.
4) Scout gets another wrinkle, but no one notices.