Survivor: Vanuatu episode 10 recap

Just when I thought everything was going to get better, I made the mistake of watching Survivor last night.

Week #10 (guitar riffs) you'll be a woman, soon

Well, the testosterone levels are dropping on Vanuatu as Chad, an inspiration for alcoholic amputees everywhere, finally resigned as village idiot last night. In an ironic twist, the only man left on the island is Scout, thanks to Chris' gender swap after the last tribal council.

The reward challenge was not new or exciting, just more ropes. Reward was ok, if you're big on National Geographic Explorer or big on little kids singing poorly in English. The tribe welcomed the white devils with a traditional drink known as Kava, which roughly translates into, "knock you on yo ass with one blow." This, combined with the offering of raw chicken and cow entrails, was all part of a big miscommunication. Apparently, a tired translator told the tribe's chief that these people were on Fear Factor, and not Survivor, which explains why they were trying to make them throw up instead of rewarding them.

Immunity challenge was a surprise. They have started the endurance challenges early this season. If you think about it, having to wake everyday to Scout singing some old hippie song is probably an feat of endurance all on it's own. Twila's childhood came in handy (every Christmas, she got a chew toy) as she held on with everything she could to win. Scout hung on way longer than I had thought, which is to say, I thought she would just take the ladder back down as soon as the challenge started. Chad, showing intelligence not yet displayed this game, used his 2 thighs, instead of his 1 lower leg, to hang on longer than almost everyone.

People scrambled, Scout plotted, but the power of Ami and her puppets was too strong. Chris, the rat bastard that he is, weaseled his way out of another vote, and Chad hobbled down the walk of shame. The only real winner was Sarge, who didn't have to put up with that BS anymore.

Chris - I'm surprised you didn't vote for Chad, all the other women were doing it. Trans-gender ZING!!!

Scout - You tried to make up for the fact that you're a worthless wrinkle bag by formulating a plan with the guys. Nice try and thanks. Why thanks? Because you just put a big target on your back, dummy.

Leann - If you don't grow a spine sometime soon, you're not going to win this game. Make a decision for yourself every now and then. Don't wait on Ami to tell you what to do.

Julie - Same goes for you, sweetie. You were doing so well, had a strong game and everything. Now, after a bottle of champagne and some chicken wings, you fall into the lap of Ami via Leann's influence. Plus, Ami knows that your perky rack and tight rear doesn't have any effect on the other women, except for Scout, but you don't want any of that action. Trust me on that one.

Eliza - You know what's going on around you, but your street cred is terrible. Start showing others that you're not just another mouth to feed, and you may get farther than you originally planned, which was "voted out at week 3", if I'm not mistaken.

Ami - What drugs do you put in the food to make everyone a mindless idiot follower? I'm just curious because I have some thug kids that live down the street, and I want them to do some yardwork for me.

Chad -I don't see how you mustered the IQ points to even fill out the application to get on Survivor, much less make it as long as you did. You were as much of a token player, like Rory and Scout. One question: How did you keep sand out of your cool leg, honestly? I mean, did that thing every kink up on you? The best thing you have going right now is sponsership. Call Ottobock. It's the world's largest manufacturer of prostetics. They have a limo waiting for you when this gig is over.

That's all. Turkey Day is fast approaching, and I'm not sure whether we'll see the happy cast next week, or they'll give us the mandatory recap show with bloopers and stuff, but I'll be here either way, reviewing Survivor: Thanksgiving

Tune in next week when:
1) Turkey forms an alliance with stuffing, with delicious results, until cranberry finds out.
2) Rolls and corn bread go head-to-head in the reward challenge; winner gets gravy
3) White rice has a fight with green beans, while sweet potatoes takes advantage of the situation.
4) In the closest vote yet, pumpkin pie is voted out of my colon
5) Survivor Ninja naps with a half-eaten turkey sandwich on his lap, fo' shizzle.

Happy Thanksgiving, and for those who don't celebrate, come over anyway. We got turkey for your heathen ass!!!