Survivor: Palau episode 10 recap

Great. First, Caryn's hair goes unwashed for the last 3 days, now who's
gonna cry after every challenge/conversation/bowel movement?

Week #10, and my nipples are hard!

Wow.

I think that about says it for this season of Survivor. I saw it coming, but I didn't see it coming. Hold on while I change my shorts...

That's better. Now then, where were we? Oh, yeah, Janu is the sorriest sack of crap I've ever seen. Also, she is the lightest sack of crap I've ever seen, but that's irrelevant at this point. I never thought I'd see someone, in this lifetime, pull an Osten. Jeff Probst, you just went up 2 notches in my cool book. Steph had her torch in hand; bag on her shoulder, and you got Janu to tap out.

Bravo, Jeff. Bravo.

The period between the beginning of the show and one of the greatest
Survivor moments in history was used to:
a) Waste 40 minutes
b) Show everyone who just started tuning in that Janu is the undisputed sorriest sack of crap they've ever seen.

The challenge involved scaffolds and swimming, which was the theme for tonight's episode, water and metal structures. The tribe was split into teams, which then raced pieces of a tower into the water, then grab a flag, you know the rest. The winners got to meet a chief and have a grand feast, where the losers got to, well, not meet a chief and have a grand feast. Oh, yeah, the losers didn't have to watch Janu throw up, either. So, who really won again, was it Kor, or was it Or, or do they go by Ko and Ror? I don't know, I can't keep up with these kids and their slang. Anywho, Janu threw up her prize, which kinda set the mood for the rest of the episode. Caryn felt like a winner for once, which is good if you're Caryn, because let's face it, Caryn doesn't win very much. Tom and Gregg won as well, which they call "every day". Ian could have done some major damage if he had taken advantage of having those four leave, but it just so happens Tom carries Ian's balls with him, for just such an occasion ISLAND BITCH ZING!

By the way, it wouldn't have surprised me to see Janu ralph all over the chief's lawn, then go and eat some more. It's called an eating disorder. Please, Janu, you need help. BINGE / PURGE ZING!

Seriously, if you know someone with an eating disorder, help them, by offering them lots of food. They need their strength, you know. Oh, and call them "fat" a lot; they love that.

Immunity was interesting, but boring. Two mind-over-matter, stamina challenges in a row is a bit too much for me. No one wants to see the same guy win all the time, and it'll always be Tom, unless they vote him off, or have a challenge involving sucking, because he'd totally lose, because he can’t even suck if he tried. Everything said and done, there was more done than said, as the water rose and weeded out the weak. Knowing that fat floats, Janu was destined to lose. All the other member of Koror followed suit, who for the sake of saving time during challenges, will be referred to as "Non-Toms". Yeah, he got the necklace. Surprise, surprise. The interesting part I mentioned is that the first loser was banished to stay on an island overnight, alone. Boo. Yeah, it's scary, all right. Janu had the honor, and it was very strange. Fire took all night to build, and for a showgirl, you'd think she could dance better than that. Well, she returned, reborn in her craptitude, and set out to do nothing, but with conviction this time.

Counsel came and things went real good. Steph was set to go home, until that beautiful, silver-tongued, son of a bitch, Jeff started laying the verbal smackdown. Jeff had Janu thinking she was doing something good, which she was, but she wasn't, but she did any way. Wait...ouch...uh oh...hold on...

Dammit, that's two pairs of shorts in one day. Back to the story. I don't get why Jeff let Janu say her peace. They should have chucked her torch in the flames, and left it at that. Instead, she got to stand in the place of honor and have her torch snuffed, make a finishing remark, AND sit on the jury. And I thought Julie had it good. LATCHING ON TO A FALLING STAR ZING!

Anyway, she left, Steph shit herself, and the real game begins...

Tom - Keep winning. Trust me on this one.

Gregg - Keep sucking Tom's hose. Trust me on this one.

Ian - Take turns with Gregg.

Katie and Jenn - Find a way to merge together and form one super, do-nothing bitch. I don't know if it'll help, but at least it'll make you more interesting.

Steph - Fight, fight, fight. And when you're done, keep fighting. I got my money on you, don't let me down.

Caryn - Stay low and shut up.

Janu -

(Yeah, that was intentional)

Pop. Poll
Well, great things come in 3's, I'm just waiting on the 3rd thing. Steph has taken the lead over Tom in the Pop Polls. For the first time this season, someone has surpassed Tom in some way. It's a great day, indeed. Caryn and Katie are 1 and 2 in the suck pool, thanks to Janu's early departure.

Rupert's corner
Don't look directly at his shirt. The tye-dye will hypnotize you. Here he is:
"Well, quitting is never easy, and it shouldn't be. They shoulda had that skinny bitch tossed in the ocean, the water ocean, of course. She don't like water much, she's from the desert. Teach your kids to floss, and they thank you later when you're dead."

Thanks, I guess. E-mail me at survivorninja@hotmail.com with questions, comments, or gum. I love gum. I'm sorry, that's beer. I love beer!

Tune in next week when:
1) Tom actually walks on water. Ian drowns with Tom-sized footprints on his shoulders. Coincidence?
2) Gregg finally decided to quit kissing Tom's ass, and turns back to kissing Jenn's, after doing the penis math.
3) Steph gets tanner and hotter; and Ian becomes more, for lack of a better term, Janu-ish.
4) I run out of funny things to say at the end of the review...too late.

To the fans (all three of you; we've grown), I have a next weekend, um,
mine, and a honeymoon the following week, so don't expect too much from me. All I can say is be patient, and I'll do my best to get the good stuff to you.

See ya, trout-sniffers!

Survivor: Palau episode 9 recap

Great, just great. Now who’s going to wash Caryn’s hair and put up with Janu’s bullshit?

Oh, I guess that was sorta the point.

Week 9 and things are getting better.

Well, we all saw it coming. Ulong is no more, officially. Stephanie now has a serious shot at the million, and I couldn’t be happier. Man, when I saw Steph tear up, I was very moved. It felt like a combination of Rupert winning the million, Jenna’s mom dying, and “Waiting to Exhale” (What? How can that movie not move you? What are you, a monster?) Anyway, it was good to see hear get out of that dirty old Ulong buff (slowly, please... no, no, slower…ahhh, that’s it.) and get into a clean Koror buff. BTW, how funny was it to see the Koror crew all amazed at the clean smell from Steph’s buff? Now that’s good TV!

As any fan of the show knows, there’s no challenge at the merge, just a celebration for those who have made it that far in the game. Instead of competition, the producers do something a little different; they give alcohol to starving people and let nature take its course. Tom had too much rum, but in his defense, he was the drunkest, making him the winner of the drinking competition. Joe and Thud, the simple Palauan fishermen were eager to show the guys how to fish. Joe and Thud only did this to get the men outta the way so they could hit on the small, white woman. Did you see the size of those guys? I could think of only two things when I first saw them:

1) They must be EXTREMELY good fisherman (you know, because they’re huge)
2) They use guys like Ian as currency

After everything was said and done, to be honest, they can’t hold a flame to Dah, but then again, who can? Damn, I sure do miss him…

Immunity challenge was a trip down memory lane. The old “stand on that pedestal while I wave your favorite food in front of your face so you can take off your clothes hopefully” challenge. Yeah, there’s nothing like it, SOTPWIWYFFIFOYFSYCTOYCH for short. It didn’t work, we saw no naughty parts. Jeff, you should be ashamed of yourself. He’s really losing his touch. Aside from that, it was really awkward to see Coby and Janu jump in so quickly for a treat, when they had to have known that they were next in line to be voted out. It was even more awkward to see Janu not crying for a change. She’s either gotten really tough over these last couple of days, or severely dehydrated. Either way, she won’t be around much longer.

Tom – Sorry, broham. I lied to you. There was no drinking competition. Rupert put me up to it, so if you’re going to be mad at anyone, be mad at him.

Ian – Here’s some PB and chocolate (wink, wink)

Caryn – Lather, rinse, sit around camp like a lump of crap, repeat

Gregg – You must be short in real life, considering how low under the radar you can get. USELESS BUT UNNOTICED ZING!

Stephanie – You freakin’ rock, and I hope you win. I’ve picked my pony, folks, and her name is Steph.

Useless girls – You do realize that once Janu’s gone, you’re next. Gregg can’t stop it. Coby really can’t stop it, and Steph will let it happen. Please, either learn to fish, or win some immunity.

Janu – What? No, I didn’t just tell the useless girls that you’re leaving. Not to change the subject or anything, but I like your tattoo. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a bull’s eye on your back. GOING HOME SOON ZING!!!

Coby – What the hell were you thinking? Didn’t you see what happened to Richard? Well, yeah, he did, but not the second time! Dammit, fool! You should have known better than to get catty this early. At least you’re in the jury, so we can see your new hairstyle every Thursday.

Pop. Poll

Well, I was in Las Vegas this past weekend, hence the late review. Let me tell you, if you’ve never been, go now. Drop everything you’re doing and go right now. I’ll wait…

See, what did I tell you? That place has something for everyone. I went to a club called “Rum Jungle”. You can imagine my delight as my favorite alcohol and my favorite type of terrain were merged into one exciting place. If I had 3 words to describe this place, they would be ”Drunken Adult Circus”. If you ever get a chance to go there, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

(Sorry, die-hards. I just thought that would be more interesting than telling you that Tom is still the most popular, and Janu is the suck-ass this week)

Rupert’s Corner

Well, here we are again. You know him, you love him. Ok, you know him and I love him, you just tolerate him. It’s R.B.
“Hi guys! Man, We just got back from Vegas, me and the Ninja, and boy, do they have a lot of problems there. I saw kids, no older than my own daughter, on the celly phones, or whatever they’re callin’ ‘em these days, walking around with their $50 shirts, and $75 jeans, sporting $120 sneakers, wearin’ jewelries (I think they call ‘em blingers or something), just struttin’ around like the world is theirs. Parents, if I could, I’d take the lot of you across my knee and let my beard do the talkin’! You got to teach these kids the value of a dollar, or else, they’ll never get good payin’ jobs and be self-sufficient. Why do you think there’s a whole in the Ozone? Because kids can’t even read, let alone get a job to fix that thing. Every time it rains, water comes shootin’ outta that thing and gets my socks wet, and I HATE wet socks. Please, parents, put down your things and hug a child. Then, when they’re guard is down, throw ‘em in the bathroom with a mop and bucket. I bet they learn to clean up after themselves after that! Wait, where am I?”

I think Rupert had a little too much fun in Vegas, if you know what I mean? (He’s drunk again, if you didn’t know). Please e-mail him and me at survivorninja@hotmail.com with advice and non-aspirin pain relievers (rhymes with Stylenol). He’ll need them, and I collect them. Gotta have ‘em all!

Ok, I need sleep. Tune in next week when:
1) Steph accidentally (wink, wink) uses Janu to get coconuts out of the tree via the big wooden pole trick. Janu, in a surprise twist, cries.
2) Tom drinks sea water, on a dare. Hilarity ensues. No, I’m sorry, that’s insanity ensues. Sorry about the mix-up
3) Ian sees Tom drinking sea water, and dares himself to drink it as well, after making a joke/reference to a past season of Survivor that only other Survivor fans would understand.
4) Caryn and Janu ask Coby to save them seats.

Later.

Survivor: Palau episode 8 recap

Wow, looks like Steph did all those sexual favors to Bobby Jon for nothing.

Week #8 is a burning ring of fire…
(Yeah, Johnny Cash reference)

Well, I was happy to see a change of pace this episode. By change of pace, I, of course, am referring to Coby crying instead of Janu. Yeah, there’s a twist around every turn in Palau this season. Seriously, I’ve seen tortoises humping with more drama and excitement than this. I mean, can someone at least fall into a fire, or eat something poisonous. Jebbus Cripes, I’m so ready for the individual immunities to start. I wanna see what they decide to do with the “do-no-wrong” fireman, and his sickly, aquatic sidekick. After Koror gets rid of Stephanie, it should be good TV from then on.

Reward challenge was the obligatory weird food challenge, and apparently sponsored by the American Dental Association®. Fertilized, half-developed baby ducks, fresh out the shell, was the food of choice for our brave contestants. Ulong chose Steph and Bobby Jon to represent them, while Koror brought out the big guns with father and son team, Ian and Tom. Bobby Jon and Steph had the advantage considering they would eat anything. They’re starving for Rupert’s sake; have you sent those bait fish BJ keeps catching? Well, it was no surprise that Bobby Jon tried to go all out and ended up clogging his esophagus with baby ducks, giving an easy win to Tom’s trib…I mean, Koror.

Immunity involved both swimming and puzzles, again, and a lot of Koror felt left out. Gregg and Coby, the secret lovers, (well, it’s not secret anymore) squared against BJ and Steph, chosen from the Ulong crew. I actually have a to-do list from the Koror camp. I’d like to share it with you:
- find way to kill rats
- clean up shark guts
- comfort Janu when she starts crying for rats
- put coral snake poison in Caryn’s coconut milk
- comfort Janu over loss of Caryn
- kill Janu
- win immunity
So, there you go. Immunity was always in the plan for Koror, not so much for Ulong.

I was impressed to see how the producers handled the 2-person vote-off situation. I liked how the challenge went along with the conversation perfectly. Mark Burnett, you’re a clever bastard, indeed! Bobby Jon couldn’t get it up (tee-hee, snicker) and Stephanie lit her torch to victory. Yes, Jeff you’re clever, too “The tribe has definitely not spoken.” Wow, were you up all night thinking of that Probst? You genius! Anyway, BJ took the walk of shame, but at least he got a hummer from Steph. SEXED UP A LOSER ZING!!!

Tom – Maybe you should put your big-ass hose away every now and then and let someone else look good for a change.

Ian – When Tom asks you if you’ve ever held a fire hose, get away quick.

Gregg – You and Coby make a pretty good pair. Ever had a 3-way with a girl and a gay guy? If you try it, just remember to stick and move. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you get there.

Katie – Sucks to be you. No guys are making out with you. No girls like you. Even the gay guy can’t stand you. That should tell you something right off the bat.

Jenn – Hope you got your “A” game going when Steph comes over, ‘cause she’s not pulling out any stops with Gregg in order to stay in the game. You may want to try something new with him to keep his interest. Ever heard of a Dirty Sanchez?

Caryn – The sound of your rapid aging is keeping everyone up at night. Please try to slow down. Thanks.

Janu – For Osten’s sake, quit already. Just leave. Just get your stuff in the middle of the night and leave.

Coby – It’s bad enough Janu is always crying, now you. Everybody picked on you. Boo freakin’ hoo. Try going to a ninja high school where everyone tries to kill you. AND THAT’S FOR A GRADE!!! But seriously, I probably woulda picked on you, too.

Steph – When you prayed with Ibrehem to become sole survivor, I have a feeling this isn’t what you meant. Allah has a sick sense of humor, huh?

Bobby Jon – You brought her fish, you brought her clam, you taught her how to make fire right before the individual immunity. You poor, stupid bastard!

Pop. Poll – um, have I mentioned that Comcast Communications can suck donkey balls in hell for all eternity?

Rupert’s Corner
Yes, folks, it’s the apple of our eyes, Rupert Hambone here to lay down the skinny for you mark-ass fools up in here.
“Hi gang! Rupert here to let you know that dental hygiene is a very important habit to teach the little ones. Yes, I’m talking about midgets. Its bad enough they’re small, but they don’t have to have bad teeth, too. That’s like a double whammy from God’s sick humor department. Don’t be a fool; stay in school!”

Wow, Rupert is the man! E-mail him or me at survivorninja@hotmail.com for comments and questions, or any other general observations. If your e-mail is deemed worthy, I’ll post it on the blog, for everyone to see and make fun of you about later when you’re real important and you forgot you wrote it. Kinda like when that guy smoked weed, and humped a 14 yr old boy, now look at him, hosting Survivor! No, wait, I’m thinking of someone else. Jeff only does Coke and humps contestants. CAREER GOING NOWHERE AFTER THE SHOW ZING!

Tune in next week when:
1) Coby cries and Janu gets catty (role reversal, anyone?)
2) Drago fights Apollo, and kills him. Rocky has to go to Russia to…sorry, I hit the “Last Channel” button on my remote.
3) Stephanie decides where she’s going to sit on tribal council, as to not get in the way of the real contestants.
4) Katie picks a seat next to Steph

Later, freaks!

Survivor: Palau episode 7 recap

(Be advised: This is the update where I get really pissy about the show sucking. It happened last season. It’ll probably happen again next season. Deal with it.)

Man, Allah really dropped the ball on this one.

Week #7, and my cable provider. Two things I don’t really care for.

Well, yeah, I’m late with the update, and I say this with the most sincerity and respect:

Bite me.

It’s not my fault; my cable provider (we’ll call them X Communications to keep them anonymous. Better yet, we’ll call them Comcast X. That sounds better.) Anyway, they were supposed to have my cable (both TV and internet) up and running in my new place, but they fumbled the ball. After 3 visits from their less than apt technicians, I’m stuck with no home internet service, and fuzzy channels, including CBS. Yeah, my ReplayTV almost got indigestion from trying to record last Thursday’s episode. Record, you ask? Like I said, I was moving. Well, I’m in my new ninja stronghold, conveniently disguised as a condo on the south side of Savannah, and I’m ready to get back to blogging the snot outta my fans (both of them.)

Challenges are getting boring as the producers figure out how to alter everything for 3 people left. Signal a plane, and the gratuitous puzzle challenge. Staples for the Survivor franchise, and not to mention F%#^ING BORING!!! Nobody wants to see that crap. Maybe if it involves nudity, but let’s face it, this is CBS, and they’d cancel the series before we’d get to see Steph’s boobies (I don’t use the word “boobies” enough). Sure, we get to see Ibrehem’s man-titties, but Rupert-forbid we get to see any bit of someone’s chesticles. Man, what a disappointment.

You missed nothing interesting this last episode. Here’s the skinny:

- Tom did something great, and Koror was the better for it
- Janu cried about something, for a longer than necessary time, considering what she was crying about.
- Ulong lost a tribe member

Sound familiar? Yeah, that’s what has happened every other episode to date. They had better merge soon, or I’m going to be forced to watch O.C. on Thursdays, and I HATE the O.C. It’s getting monotonous on Survivor. Anyone agree? Yeah, of course you do. I’m almost positive that there’ll be a merge this coming Thursday. How am I so sure? Get with the program, dammit! There’s 2 Ulongies left. There are no more religious freaks, minorities, or racists, i.e. no more conflict. They have to mix up the tribes or die in the pit of boredom with this season of Amazing Race.

To the members of Korororororor – Do I really need to say anything to you guys?

Gregg – Watch out for Stephanie when they merge. She’ll sex you up just to stay in this game, and Kim wouldn’t like that very much.

Coby - Watch out for Bobby Jon when they merge. He’ll sex you up just to stay in this game, and Ian wouldn’t like that very much.

Stephanie – Tell Bobby Jon that getting voted off means he wins the game. I’ll bet you’ll lose about 150 lbs of Alabama waiter with that plan.

Bobby Jon – Um, Steph wanted me to tell you that getting voted off is how you win the game. Are you gonna let James and Ibrehem win without you? You better start pissing people off.

Pop. Poll – Haven’t seen it. Comcast sucks big nuts!

Rupert’s Corner – At least I have this to look forward to every week. Here’s Rupert with some pearls for all y’all punk asses!

“Hi folks. Easter has come and gone, but do you know what the Easter Bunny brought with him? Food poisoning! Please, parents, check your eggs before you let the kids get to ‘em. The Easter Bunny is sneaky, not to mention, a sick bastard. Putting kids in the hospital from eating rotten eggs is like crack to that fuzzy-tailed psycho. Please check the shells and the smells. That’s an Easter rhyme you can take to the bank, the safety bank!”

Damn, that guy always cheers me up. Let me know what you think at survivorninja@hotmail.com . This is a legitimate e-mail address. It’s not make-believe. You can send me mail, and I’ll actually respond.

I’m lonely. Please write me.

Tune in next week when:
1) Coby finally snaps and bitch slaps Janu at the sight of her first tear.
2) Ian kisses Caryn, while Tom has a 3-way with Stephanie and Kim (Sorry, Gregg, but you’re a procrastinating loser!)
3) Bobby Jon is the first Survivor to vote himself out of the game, after following Steph’s “Plan for Victory”.