Survivor Ninja's Big Survivor Blog

Extra! Extra! Survivor Ninja calls it quits! Read all about it!

2005-11-17T09:08:00.000-08:00

I don't think I'll be doing this anymore.

To my die hard fans, yeah, right. I have no die hard fans. You figured in the 2 and a half seasons I've been doing this, I'd get at least one freakin' e-mail, or a "nice work" from some random, web-wandering moron. But, alas, no one answered my calls, wrote to me, or even told me I was a sophomoric, immature, insensitive jerk. Hate mail woulda have been nice. It would have at least told me that someone was reading this crap every week. Man, that woulda been cool. Nothing ever came, so I must move on. I have some things on my plate right now, as you've probably figured, and I feel like I'm forcing these reviews. It began as a labor, or labor (if you like u's, uuuuuse them Ha ha..shit), of love, but now if feels like a task, something I HAVE to do. Truth is, I did it because I a) enjoyed it, and b) had loads of time screwing around and shunning my responsibilities. I've reorganized my thought process, and realize that I'm not getting out of this what I originally wanted, so I'm choosing to discontinue the weekly review.

With the impending loss of Probst, and seasons 13 and 14 on the way, I'm just gonna watch it like the rest of you, and keep my opinion to myself, and a few loved ones. I plan on sending in an application for the new seasons, regardless of the "female former cast member" they choose to fill Jeff's 9-inch shoes (if you didn't get that reference, you should Google "Probst Blue Ribbon", and you'll see what I mean). But for the review, I'm afraid this is the end.

I'm not saying it'll go down forever, but it will take an act of God, or a handful of support letters, to keep me going. I'll leave open the e-mail address, survivorninja@hotmail.com for anyone who wants to send a letter, thank me for ending this insanity, or would just wanna say thanks for any laughs my review may have caused. For those of you who have been faithful since the inception, I do appreciate your time and your loyalty. If anyone is interesting in receiving a newsletter when I find out stuff about former cast members, the new season, or whatever, send me an e-mail with the subject line: Newsletter. I'll get back to you with anything new I have.

Again, thanks for all your time. And remember, it's not you, it's me. We can still be friends, right? I'm keeping the dog, though.

Later,
Matt aka The Survivor Ninja
survivorninja@hotmail.com

Survivor: Guatemala episode 6 recap

2005-10-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

A little beer goes a long way, especially if your Judd's mouth

Week #6 or Budweiser makes Judd dumber.

Golden boy got a little cocky, and his alliance saw this. Gary, Amy, and Brian were happy about the face value to the other tribe that the Blake exodus would have. Let's hope that pans out for them. As Yaxha worried about the ramifications of Blake's demise, Nakum, fought the invisible terrors. No, not rafe's sneaky "night hands", were talking bugs. Margaret stayed depressed about Brooke's leave, and it shows in everything she does, or rather, everything she doesn’t do. Her stock dropped seriously when Judd went AWOL on her hopes and dreams, and she's making herself a target. Glad to see that, Rupert willing, we won't see another Scout scenario, where
someone very undeserving gets to the top of the heap.

The challenge was both reward and immunity. An old fashioned, backyard cookout was the reward. The loser got nothing. What's that Jeff? There's more? You bet your sweet little buff there is! The winning team would compete in individual immunity. Why, Jeff? Because you're all going to tribal tonight, bitches! Both tribes would be going to council, and the one wearing immunity would be able to sit in on the losing team's last moments together. I love this game. The challenge itself involved pushing a huge
ball through the opposing team's goal, kinda like a retarded football. Judd should be good at this. SHORT BUS ZING! 2 on 2 action as the ball get handled. Yeah, I know the obvious joke would be to point out Rafe and Brian's experience with ball handling, but I'm not going there? Or did I already? Anyway, things looked kinda scary when Judd and Jamie bested BJ and Brandon. A celebratory scream from Jamie threw BJ in a "hissy fit" as it were, and the two of them were in each other's faces. BJ smelt the tenacity on Jamie, and Jamie smelt Brian's anus on BJ. ALWAYS A GAY JOKE ZING! Bj's tribe was confused, but not so much when they realized that it was BJ, and not some sane, rational human being. Steph and Judd took on Gary and Amy, or the "dying hopes" alliance. Amy hurt her ankle, AGAIN, and had to tough it out. Jeff could have cared less, but then again, he IS Jeff, and he has been doing this stuff for a while.* Amy immediately had to compete again, and she and Danni took it to Cindy and Margaret, showing conclusively that Cindy and Danni are equal, and that Margaret is less useful than an injured Amy. Figures. Judd and Jamie again took it to the promise land when they won it for Nakum. Yaxha left with visions of burgers swimming through their heads, and Nakum stayed to go through a physical, puzzle challenge. A word scramble, a staple in every season, was the determining factor. Judd, in a surprise move, couldn't figure out the puzzle (not that part; no shit Judd couldn't figure it out), when he helped Rafe solve the puzzle, and take the immunity. That really only helped Judd, because he showed his pride in his new alliance. Rafe didn't benefit because he was in no real threat of being sent home, and the only real intel he would bring back from the council of Yaxha would be how their outfits didn't match their shoes.

Jamie recapped his BJ encounter. It was dismissed as being crazy BJ again. Bj recalled the incident as Jamie being a bad winner, and that he had no rope cutting ability. Let it go, BJ, just let it go. Amy's ankle is being held on by only skin, and BJ worried about Jamie’s celebrating? What a poon! Discussion continued at Yaxha about who to hose, and theories emerged. Brian's name came up, as well as injured Amy. Brian's the smarter player, and could fend for himself. On the other hand, Amy needs Gary to survive. Biggest leech I've ever seen. Seriously, I accidentally changed the channel to Discover, and saw a huge leech, but Amy sucks equally as well. The Nakum tribe had less to be worried about, their main concern was who drank all the beers. Judd's favors and Judd's math left him to a majority of the sweet,
sweet nectar, and it would bite him in the ass later. Margaret used the opportunity to pick at Judd's confused state to make him look like a brute to the rest of the tribe. Margaret threw around the word, conundrum, but Judd told them he doesn't know how to play the drums, so he couldn't have drank the most beers. What a trooper he is! He deserved it, Margaret, You had hot dogs and hamburgers, right Margaret? Well, Judd got that for you....and Jamie...and the rest of the tribe that worked hard. Pretty much everyone except Cindy and Lydia, who are constantly not involved due to their lack of physical prowess. Well, at least she can fish... I mean, she can cut
fruit. Yeah, she can cut the hell outta some fruit.

Tribal was rough for Nakum. Judd's rosey cheeks set the pace for his soon-to-come outbursts. He gave his "damn" all, and was a good sportsmanship, man. That's what he's doing man, that's what he's doing. Judd would continue to spout "sportsmanship", "damn", and "man" for the duration of the conversation. Margaret got the best of him and allowed him to persistently interrupt and accuse and intimidate the others. Rafe felt the blunt of Judd's drunken wrath. What did he have to worry about? He had
freakin' immunity! Nothing Judd said was going to get to him. With all her poking and targeting, Margaret still got the boot, leaving Cindy open for a near future dismissal. We'll have to wait to see how it happens from here. Cindy's best action was to vote for Margaret. That might give her enough cool points to survive.

Yaxha, on the other hand, had a strong group, and the numbers of old vs new were even, 3 on 3. Bobby Jon was immediately asked about the confrontation with Jamie, and BJ, of course, had a lame answer. "I'm from the South" only works when you're in the South, BJ. Brian was referred to as a "kamikaze who can bust a wedge" by the wordsmith that is Bobby Jon. They all had strong words of humiliation and respect for him, which would sway us to feel sorry for Amy's soon departure. Jeff, smelling this in the air (that's Bj you smell, Jeff) prodding for feelings of Amy's injury. Jeff has a knack for pointing out weakness when decisions are being made. Jeff threw another curve when he allowed Rafe to give one Yaxha member immunity. Of course, it
would be kept secret until the votes were read. Go with his fellow gaymate, or go for something else, maybe a hurt Amy, or a smelling fine ex-QB? Who would know, Rafe would? Who would care? Brian should. With all the compliments and the pats on his back, Brian got the ramrod of reality as he was rode hard and put up wet. Rafe gave immunity to Gary. I guess love conquers all...Brian's hopes and dreams. Cryin' Brian had a good shot at winning, and left a true gentleman. I was sad to see him go, but loved to watch him leave. Look at that ass! Wait! Damn, I gotta stop typing
everything I think. Cheesecake would be good right now. Damn, there I go again!

Jamie - Dude, don't let BJ get in your face. You already saw what he did to Blake's hand. You want that on your face? I didn't think so.

BJ - Quit touching people with your pee hand. It's gross.

Steph - Bad luck, no more. Hello medium luck!

Cindy - Good move on the Marge vote, but watch your back, you Jack Hannah wannabe!

Judd - When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives you beer, you drink it AFTER a tribal council, dummy. You almost lost you ass on that one.

Rafe - When life gives you crap, don't drink what you can make from it
That'd be crap-a-nade for our slower fans!

Gary - Doing well, but how's your back. Must get tired from carrying Amy.

Amy - Either saw that hurt f^(%er off, or keep going. It's just going to get worse.

Danni - Way to not suck so much

Rafe - Same thing, but in a different way (Judd's getting the milk for free; make him commit!).

Brandon - Thank you for not making a farm reference for an entire episode, freak!

Lydia - Sandra did it. Chris did it. You can, too. Less talking, though. Someone will notice you're there.

Pop Poll

Yeah, Steph still.

Rupert's corner:
I have his poster above my bed. My wife's pissed. Here's Rupert:
"You know gay guys aren't bad, just bad to people's butts. Why can't they just do women in the rump and be done with it? That'd cure that problem! Damn, I wish I was your lover...I love that song!"

Short, but short. Rupe hit another Grand Slam! Please, send your e-mails with suggestions, hate mail, concerns, questions, and cooking recipes to survivorninja@hotmail.com. The winner of the "Best Hate Mail" contest will get a cookie, a middle-finger cookie! BIRD TO YOU HATERS ZING!

*I had to mention this because it grows heavy in my heart. Jeff Probst, the hair do that woed Rock 'n Roll Jeopardy, and has been the face of Survivor for all this time is thinking of calling it quits. He wants to persue other ventures, and needs some QT with Julie. Can you blame him? He's famous, and she's marginally interesting! E-mail me with who you think would make a suitable replacement, past survivor, or otherwise, and I'll run a poll in the following reviews. At the end of the season, I'll write a letter to Mark
Burnett telling him our choice. Not the "Survivor" Mark Burnett, but the one in Longmont, CO. Maybe he knows our Mark, and can talk to him. www.whitepages.com can be fun!

See ya later (whether you like it or not, dammit!)

Survivor: Guatemala episode 5 recap

2005-10-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

Judd's a traitor, Brian's a God hater, and Amy learns about 'taters!

Man, this is boring.

Week #5, and Lydia's still here.

Well, the tribes are still learning how to adjust to their new members, and things are pretty boring. Judd jumped on the bandwagon first off, and Margaret couldn't be more pissed. Amy learns about how to turn the dirt into food. Brian is upset about the blessing, but he's too smart to openly say anything. Well, who said camp life was exciting all the time? I did, but then again, I put bugs on people's food. Not in secret, but rather while they're eating it. It's just something I do.

Reward challenge was actually pretty cool and thoughtful. Jeff? Are you showing us your caring side? I doubt it. The winner was to receive a croc-free swim cage. Cut a rope, cut another rope, and wind another rope to ride a cart down a hill, a potentially dangerous ride to victory. Jamie and Brandon were chosen to go first in their respective tribes. Jamie gently convinced the rope to split, as Brandon hacked through it like Jason in a teen camping expedition. It was no contest as Yaxha coasted to the win. As if Jamie didn't feel bad enough, Jeff blatantly points out that it's his fault. I knew you couldn't be nice for an entire day, Jeff. It's just not you.

Happy music played as the Yaxha tribe enjoyed their 2" X 2" enclosure. Imagine a rabbit cage underwater. That's what they had to swim in. No diving yet, kids. Brandon glowed for a while, but faded into the background very soon afterwards, where he always ends up. If he wins, I'll work on his farm. But he's gotta pay me a salary of $1 million a day, for one day. That should be right. Brian made a comment about being a fish back home. Gay reference perhaps? Maybe if he was gay, but he's not. No way.

Not Brian.

Well, maybe on weekends.

Ok, so he's full blown (pun intended) gay. Who questioned that? Gary tried when he was being sniffed, but he was enjoying too much as to question his own sexuality THE NFL DOES THINGS TO YOU ZING! Back in Nakum, Margaret botched that she could have done better, yet no one coached Jamie on the rope. Steph was pissed to see BJ showboat on the way down the hill. The best part is that Steph flat out calls BJ a gay. Yes, a gay. What gave you that idea? The fact that he presented his anus to your tribe as he sailed past? Could it be that he associates his ass with excitement? Maybe, but he's
definitely gay. Oh, and Steph secretly cries because she sucked at Survivor. Surprise, surprise. The rain came down, and kept the tribe awake, except for Brain and Blake, because they were cuddling BLAKES GOT A SECRET ZING! After a good night sleep, I like to wake up and immediately start talking about myself and all the things I've done in my life, no matter how insignificant it is. Apparently, Blake does, too. His long-winded diatribe to the doo-doo tribe has him set for elimination. And Brian's favorite new game, "bate Blake", just goes to show you that he's soo...wait, is it "bait" or "bate"? Oh well ,"bate" helps my theory, and that is "Gum is not a candy, but a toy" I have scientific research, hours of testing, and a small dog, that show, inconclusively...wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, small dogs. Lydia did a little pep dance, and a Little Richard quote. Is it just me, or does she look like a magic troll doll without the long hair that goes crazy when you spin them? What, like you've never spun a magic troll doll. Losers.

Immunity challenge involved what looked like a tribal fertility ritual. Balls with tails are flung into the air and caught in triangular nets. Symbolism, anyone? Anyway, the tribes rallied for position and tried to catch the balls. Brian and Rafe were disappointed to not be paired up on this challenge. That joke was too obvious not to be said, so please don't hate me, or Buddha. He's not so bad. I mean, he's no Jesus Christ, but then again, he's not a pirate, so he's got that going for him. Balls flew, Rafe salivated, and Nakum took the idol. Jamie had a "quiet, personal"
celebration, and Yaxha thought hard about what went wrong as BJ lets out a "what just happened" scream.

Tribal was interesting, as 4 strong tried to figure out if that was going to hold. Blake didn't stop talking, because he thought he was safe. Bad move, Golden Boy.

Sidenote: Kudos (first Kudos of the season) to Amy for coming up with a kick-ass nickname for Blake. I've been calling him Edward Penishands, for his before mentioned contact with BJ's peeing hand, but that's just me.

People thought they were aligned, but the sleep issue, and the "Golden Boy" reference came into play. It stirred something in him into talking himself up, again. So fucking stupid, dude. Does he not realize what's going on around him? Oh, he can't, he was SLEEPING!!! Anyway, he's huberus (I think that means his penis) was his downfall, and Booby Jon AND Danni turned on him. Wow, I thought Danni was cool before for the Gary stuff, but she's a little cooler now in my book. And by book, I mean my diary, and by diary I mean...wait, did Bobby Jon just say I like to keep the dream alive? Wow, he's deep as Brian's ass. TWO GAYS IN ONE ZING ZING!!

Gary - your football status is safe for another 3 days. Nobody said anything. I'm impressed. Oh, by the way, don't wear a mouthpiece and helmet to challenges. It's a tell, as they say in the poker world (located in Nevada, population not my older brother because he sucks at it. RANDOM NINJA FAMILY BASHING ZING!

Steph - Quit your bitching, please. I know you're the most popular survivor since Bamber and Rupert, but it'll only get you so far. Look at Johnny Fairplay, and emember my words.

Margaret - See Steph's notes, minus the popular stuff.

Jamie - Bad winning is as good as writing your own name on the ballot to send you home. Control yourself; I got my money on you (Seriously, I pinned it to your shorts while you were asleep).

Rafe and Brian - Time to play "Find my money"

Cindy - I'll say to you exactly what you've been doing to contribute - Nothing.

BJ - Dude, act less gay when you win, and even lesser gayer, when you lose. We can see you when you're at your gayest, or your gay-pex, as I like to call it.

Judd - Don't let Margaret get you down, or take your temperature rectally (she's got big hands)

Danni -Way to betray. You’re picking this game up quick.

Lydia - Pyscho dancing fits looks good on you. Enough of that and they'll be too scared to vote you off. Can I rub you and make a wish?

Pop. Poll

Steph dipped a little but not enough to be threatened by her next closest competition, which is BJ, a full 25 points away. Nice try, gay waiter.

Rupert's Corner
Well, quite frankly, I could used a spanking. But I'll hear what Rupe has to say first:

"have you seen my website? It's www.rupertskids.org and it's so much fun! Move the mouse over my head, and I'll tell you all about it. When I'm done talking, my creepy 3-d head will follow the mouse movements! Technology rocks hard, like tye-dye t-shirts, which you can buy on my site! Man, how could you not go there right now? The only excuse you have is if you're telling your teens about drugs. Priorities rule!"

Man, you do have a creepy 3-D head Rupert, and the site is weird, too! As always refrain from sending your mail to survivorninja@hotmail.com, like you do every week. Why do I even have this e-mail address? Oh yeah, for the porn sites (I write their newsletter!).

Tune in next week when:
1) BJ shows his anus to the wrong Brian. Hilarity and vomiting ensue
2) Brandon's ego leads him to chop through all rope in the camp, exclaiming "Look what I did!" It's just not the same, Brandon.
3) Steph cries a river; gets eaten by a croc.
4) Gary confesses that's he's a quarterback. Right, and Lydia catches a fish.

See ya, boot lickers!

Survivor: Guatemala episode 4 recap

2005-10-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

We got spirit, yes we do. We got spirit, how about you?

No. Well, how about a new tribe? you got that?

Week #4 or "All work and no play makes Judd a dull boy"

Nakum tries to beat the heat by laying around and swatting flies. Yaxha, on the other hand, is up and running at all times. Maybe that's why they're doing so well. Maybe Gary's just working harder than everyone to try and get away from Rafe. It has a creepy Ian-Tom feel to it, doesn't it? Only something's really awkward about it. I'm uneasy watching Rafe doodle on his binder cover: "I "heart" Gary" and "Gary and Rafe - Best Friends Forever"

Yeah, it's that serious.

Reward challenge was neither a reward nor a challenge. The cast got to take a break from 114 degree heat and answer some questions to help their tribe.
Jeff asked questions, and based on their answers members got little perks for being smelly and hungry. Food, of course is always welcome, but a freakin' apple? Thanks, Jeff, you're generosity is endless. As for a free shower, Nakum voted for Bobby Jon, because he really stinks (metaphorically) and Yaxha voted for Gary because they wanted to see him lather up (homosexually). Brian and Rafe have never worked together so well to date. I WANNA KISS HIS CRUSTY LIPS ZING!

Wait, did I just say that out loud, or did I think that?

Anyway, the big kick in the pants was the question about pride. Brian, the cheerleader for Yaxha, was the natural choice, and Cindy, the keeper of the zoo known as Nakum were chosen. The rest were swapped into the other tribe.
Brooke was odd person out when she stayed with Nakum. No big help there.
Judd, Gary, Margaret, and Amy enjoyed chicken and tea while Gary dodged football questions. Again, he shit himself, and it will haunt him later.
Judd shit himself, too, but for much less significant reasons (he's just lazy).

Brian got to formally meet his new tribe by offering BJs at half price (friends and family discount). Gary and Amy were greeted by some new faces upon their return. Amy, took the opportunity to use the word "decimated" and a lot of cussing. Gary pooped once again when he was greeted by the devilish smile from the sports caster. He did grin once, but that was only when Brian fulfilled his promise of sniffed the hell out of him when he returned.

Nakum was a different story. They had 4 of each old Nakum and old Yaxha, making for a quick rallying of the troops. Judd's battlecry of "who cares" was easily detected on Steph's Survivor radar which she immediately pounced upon when the time was right. A quick trip away from the group let Steph and Jamie talk game and see how Judd could be used to help their situation. Judd and Steph's Jersey bond was found to be a strong point, and a good excuse when frantic Margaret starting questioning his absence from his former members. What a great play on their part. Rafe was excited at the opportunity to finally talk about shoe shopping and braid someone's hair.

BJ and Blake shared a pee, and a strategy meeting. A quick handshake (sic) arranged the pact of former tribe loyalty. Any part of BJ's body that's touched his "man missile" is the last thing I'd wanna touch. Amy's ankle was feeling better, and looking worse, but her cop instincts told her to keep pressing instead of showing weakness. Oh, and she was craving doughnuts, real bad.

Immunity was a row and a clubs throw away. After retrieving some clubs from three floating platforms, and playing some bumper boats, the tribes returned to the beach for the staple "flying weird objects into tiles" portion of the challenge. What did the tiles ever do to deserve such ridicule on national television? My bathroom is boycotting the rest of the season until CBS writes an apology. Judd's manhood was at danger, so he just kept throwing, and throwing...and throwing. No aim and a tired poo-slinging arm would be Nakum's downfall. Brandon bagged the last tile, setting up an interesting tribal. Now, the 4 v 4 tribe would be put to the test.

A restless Nakum did some more politicking for an extra member to go one way from either side. The long, loser walk home was very foreshadowing, as the three founding Nakum girls talked, and Judd was nowhere to be found. He was busy not caring, and smelling of crusted feces and being persuaded into joining a winning team. How could he refuse? I'm surprised he didn't go after Margaret, seeing she's the leader of the girls, and she has pissed Judd off numerous times before. Even after Judd and Margaret's conversation, she was really talking down to him. Which couldn't have worked out any better. The best part, a random shot of a monkey scratching himself during their conversation was, by far, the best "random surroundings shot to increase a sense of wilderness survival" scene. Judd's instincts did warn him not to trust the new Nakum, because he would be a minority among the strength of the tribe. His loyalty that night would seal his life in the game. Wow, I got really deep just now. Penguins like to smoke, but only on weekends.

There, that balanced that out.

Tribal was fun, because Jeff took no time in pointing out Steph's track record. He basically called her a broken mirror, under a ladder, on Friday the 13th; with a black cat...you get the point. She's a melting pot of bad luck omens. Lydia tried to convince everyone that she actually has strength. If that bluff actually works, she should stop mongering fish, and start playing poker. Brooke had a moment of enlightenment that the strong survive.
Wow, how profound of you, useless tribe member. Judd, was kinda long-winded, indicative of nervousness. Imagine that. All that "bad ass" persona went right out the window after a simple question. Good thing you're needed, you freakin' puppet. All things say and done, more was said than done, and Brooke took the fall on a close vote.

Steph - 1) Find rabbit, 2) cut off its feet, 3) Ask the rabbit how lucky it feels

Judd - You thought Margaret was bad at being a leader, try following Steph around, especially with her new rabbit foot necklace. She looks ridiculous!

Margaret - Uh oh. Someone's in trouble. Hell to the yeah, it's you.

Cindy - Just keep spouting animal facts, and helping as much as you can. You might get past next week.

Jamie - Good work, dude. Keep flying low, and you'll make it to the big show. But just make sure it's not lower than Lydia (she's short)

Lydia - Minnows do not a good meal make. Aren't little fish also considered bait? I thought you'd know that. FISH MONGER MY ASS ZING!

Gary - Everyone knows. We all know. They all know. It's out in the open. Please see Brian about closets and being out of them.

Brian - For the love of Hatch, would you just stop sniffing people!

Danni - Gary knows you know. We know you know. Stop glowing.

Rafe - Your sewing circle just got a member smaller.

BJ - Critics and survivors agree. You stink.

Blake - No amount of hand washing will get your self-esteem back, or make the smell go away.

Pop. Poll

No change here. Surprise.

Rupert's corner
Let's see what kinda mood his beard is letting him be in. Here he is.
"Well, kids eat boogers. That's what they do. Now, if the booger is booze, it's not cool. Kids shouldn't eat booze, or 'drink' it, as they say. But, if, in fact, the boogers are made boogers, then it's ok, as long as they're eating their own boogers. Don't let strange kids feed your kids boogers.
It's just not cool! Brush and floss!"

Wow. "The more you know" comes to mind. The less you know would be good at this point, too. E-mail me at survivorninja@hotmail.com if you, or a loved one, is eating foreign boogers. Rupert will beard-slap 'em into recovery. Or tape their nose and mouth shut, for safety purposes, of course.

Tune in next week when:
1) BJ takes a dump with Blake to talk strategy. A hearty high five seals the deal, and they stick together (the never shoulda used super glue for TP)
2) Amy's foot falls off. Her acting skills are put to the test.
3) Danni whips out an autographed picture of Gary in his prime. He plays dumb. Good job, Gary.
4) Judd is accused of being a traitor. He tries to spell it, and has a brain hemorrhage.

Smell you later, freaks.

Survivor: Guatemala episode 3 recap

2005-10-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

Poor monkey couldn't find his family. Probably stuck around because he saw Judd throwing poo

Week #3 or "Get this monkey off my back!"

Well, with the loss of Morgan (like anyone really noticed), the tribes are now even, 8 to 8. Sleeplessness runs rampant, and bitching is increasing.

Teamwork isn't established quite yet, so why not have a blindfolded challenge now that's everyone's bodies and egos are healing?

Well, well, well. Jeff, you are full of surprises! Blindfolded challenge it is! Both teams in groups of 2s and 3s were sent blindly into the unknown to retrieve tent pieces and build an excavation outpost to win reward. What's the prize for all the bruised shins and bumped heads? Pillows, of course.
Comfort rewards are pointless. You're sleeping in a jungle, surrounded by danger, and starving; why the hell do you think I'd want a blanket, Jeff?
Oh, you know exactly what you're doing. Danny's loud mouth gave Nakum the win. Bobby Jon's reaction: Tackle everyone and head-butt a tree. Very constructive and well thought-through, BJ. Hopefully, a coming challenge will involve making place settings and folding napkins so you can really shine! GET A REAL JOB ZING!

Waiting for the next challenge, Nakum decides to build a better shelter.
With motivation and determination in their eyes, they decided to swim in croc infested waters instead of work. Interesting quote from the farm boy:
"The brave may not live long, but the cautious don't live at all." you forgot the last part "and the stupid can't work together, and their graves are danced upon by the brave and cautious." The shelter, when it finally was time to do some work, was terrible. Each guy was the acting foreman, and each woman stood aside and acted like the guys didn't know what they were doing, but didn't do anything themselves to help. Margaret stepped up and started directing the effort. This caused a general sense of threat by the guys, especially Judd, who only lets his boss and wife tell him what to do.
Well put, you PC stallion!

Yaxha, on the other hand, complained about the food. Rafe ate termites, and Gary, again, just followed his lead, having never eaten bugs before in his life. Damn, I thought he was supposed to be a leader, and now he's following the gay guy's advice. Speaking of which, Brian stepped up as the motivator before the challenge. Nobody asked him to, and nobody really wanted him to, either, but you know how gay guy's always compete for the attention. Do I see a possible catfight in the making? Let's hope so.

Immunity challenge was a game called "courtball" which I'm sure was complicated to the Mayans, but how would our modern day Mayans do with it?

No, Lydia, you have to pass it!

No, Brianna, you have to move!

Well, nobody said they were smarter than Mayans, just more modern. Hell, if Rafe can score a goal, then surely Brianna could have done more. The guys coming together was strategic, fast, and fun to watch. The women playing was a lot like the WNBA. A good idea to some, but not very action-packed, and not really a sport, now that I think about it. Steph tried to rally Lydia and Brianna into some form of athleticism, but to no avail. Danny's natural sportsmanship and long arms helped her take the win, and show Yaxha how worthless Brianna really is. Amy hurts her ankle, to boot. Wow, Steph, either you're cursed, or Mark Burnett knew exactly what he's doing. Mark, you're a freakin' genius!

Tribal was not very exciting. As much as CBS liked to edit and play up some kind of conflict of opinions about who was going, but it was always going one way. Lydia was played up as the "non-athletic" person, while Brianna was the "flat out, no nothing, crazy bitch" person. If anyone has this episode recorded, go back and see how often Brianna blinks when she's talking about reading people. She's either communicating with a guide on the other side, or she's freakin' nuts! She had a Matthew vibe. Oh, you don't remember Matthew from the Amazon? Lucky you. His deep gazes into nothing, and strange dialogue with fellow tribe mates will haunt my dreams forever. He's the reason I got a night light. I think he might be under my bed. Anyway, everyone went for the crazy lady, and Brianna was free to go back to her make-up counter in the mall.

Gary - If you keep eating what Rafe tells you to, you could wake up with a snake in your mouth, if you know what I mean? (Snakes eat bugs; what did you think I was talking about?)

Rafe - Please, for fake Tom's sake, quit eating stuff from off the ground.
He doesn't know any better. FYI - Call yourself "coach" around him, and he'll follow you to the gates of Hell, if needed.

Steph - Be a motivator, instead of a complainer. Look at Brian. If he was a chick, he'd be a popular chick with this tribe. If you were a dude, you'd be Bobby Jon.

Brian - No, I didn't say you like chicks. Why would I say something as ridiculous as that?

Lydia - You need to step it up or Ian, the God of all aquatic life, won't even be able to save you.

Judd - Help, or bitch. It's one or the other, buddy.

Margaret - You're a nurse because you're a follower, not a leader. Never forget that.

Bobby Jon - No, I didn't say you looked like Steph, and simply said she pisses and moans as much as you do. Check, please. MY FORK IS DIRTY ZING!

Farmer Jon - Nice quote. Just remember: Because you can repeat something you read from the inside of a fortune cookie, doesn't always mean you should.

Pop. Poll
Guess what? Nothing's changed here. Steph still leads with 46% of the vote, with BJ trailing at 9%. Damn, it figures the big losers from last season would win something once in a while.

Rupert's corner
If beards were money, this guy would be the love-child of Donald Trump and Bill Gates. Let's see what he has to say…
"Football's not just a sport, it's an institution. Please, let your child participate in youth sports programs at an early age. It's allows for more precise betting when they hit the big time. I bet the spread, bitches! I'm rich! Oh wait, I was already rich. I'm richer! Bite my ass, Johnny Fairplay!"

I think I'm going to cry (I hate chopping onions). Please send all comments, questions, dirty underwear, food preservatives, old firearms, and NASCAR collector's cups to survivorninja@hotmail.com. It allows me to cry, seeing as how NO ONE ever sends me any mail. You bastards! I give, and I give, and you give me nothing in return. Again, married like comes to mind.

Tune in next week when:
1) A dead, diseased monkey falls from a tree. Rafe makes a stew; Gary eats it. Nothing new there, expect now Judd can get some sleep.
2) Bobby Jon, being separated from his tribe, climbs a ruin, and starts grunting. Turns out they were hiding from him.
3) Dah, the tribesman from Pearl Islands fame, walks right into camp, and teaches the survivors how to forage for food. When asked how he got there, he replies only this: "Did I mention I'm Dah?"

Tomorrow is another day. See, I got good quotes to. Later 'baters!

Survivor: Guatemala episode 2 recap

2005-09-30T18:47:00.000-07:00

The fishmonger, the landscaper (supposedly), the real estate broker, and the gay guy.

Yeah, sounds like the average American family.

Clean your plate, or you won't get any week #2.

Lemme start by saying, yes, I am a slack bastard, but a slack bastard with good reason. My computer, a super-awesome E-machine, metaphorically shit the bed, and I had to get a new computer. Well, I have that computer, and it's at least 5 times more super-awesome than my other computer. With that being said, I'm planning on being back on track, producing only marginally late reviews instead of really late reviews. Now, back to the fun stuff...

Life without Jim. How will they survive? Oh yeah, exactly the same way they did before, puking and moaning. Last episode could be subtitled, "Botox" because it got rid of a lot of wrinkles. With that ugliness aside, Nakum's self-esteem was lower than Bobby Jon's last IQ test. But hopes were up as a wounded, winded, dehydrated, puking, bitching and complaining Nakum went into the reward challenge.

Reward was a big set of fishing gear. As Jeff said, besides the crocs, snakes, lizards, and deadly bugs, there are fish that you can eat, but they taste terrible. This challenge involved an upside rope net, and a pool of waste water runoff from the Survivor staff camp. Coincidentally, every location Survivor has been, now has a waste water lake filled with Mark Burnett's stink logs and Jeff's old, dirty needles (he likes to sew with his downtime). Survivors had to untie bags while hanging upside-down and race them back to their side. This being said, Rafe was the master of handling bags while upside-down. I could make a stupid joke involving his sexual orientation and a metaphor about "hanging bags", but it would be too obvious and a waste of time, so I will say this: he's had a lot of balls in his mouth before, ok?

Moving forward: Rafe, being a wilderness buff, has trouble with complex modern inventions, like ladders. This, ultimately led to the downfall of Yaxha, and the fishmonger would have no fishing gear. How tragically unfortunate (and who cares).

Nakum, with their new lease on life, set sail to catch a breakfast feast, and came back with a catch that was about 3 minnows shy of composing an entire fish stick.Yaxha, now detesting the taste of corn, looks for other means of nutrition in the jungle. Rafe's knowledge of nature, it's bounty, and his incredible ability for being on his knees for long periods of time helped him find food, a grasshopper and some ants. Steph also contributed, but in a less scientific way. She grabbed a plant, yanked it up, looked at
the roots, and says," I wonder if you can eat this?" Wow, Steph, you just put 6 years of Rafe's wilderness training right out the window. What a breakthrough, I hope CBS doesn't want half the prize money when you get the Nobel. Gary and Rafe shared a sit and some ants. To their surprise, they were a rare species of dung ants, and I'll leave it at that.
GET THEM SOME MINTS ZING!

Happiness was short-lived in the realm of NY doormen when Judd got tired of hearing Blake bitch about his shoulder. Well, Judd, when you do as well as he does in challenges, you can have Margaret pamper wipe your ass for a while. This would soon pass as Judd plans for greatness. Speaking of greatness, nobody on Yaxha knows about Gary's QB career, but Danni does! Yeah, she is a radio sport caster, and knew right off the bat who he was. This fact would soon be very entertaining.

Immunity challenge was tug-of-war in mud... how original. It was team vs. team, with a 1 vs 1 for the tie breaker. First single match was Judd vs. Gary, or Judd vs. a white stick. Why in the hell did Yaxha send gary against Judd? Anyway, during this matchup, Danni's words of encouragement revealed that Gary was a quarterback. Gary heard her, and his hopes sunk in the mud along with his stick legs. The only travesty was that no one on Yaxha was really paying attention to what she was saying; they only heard a sports reference. It's a good thing Danni took advantage, again, and told Brian that he was a ex-NFL athlete. Of course when approached, he denied the facts and stuck to his landscaping bit. Man, I love it when they squirm. Anyway, Yaxha came up short, due to Judd's pummeling, and tribal council their punishment.

Tribal was pretty straight-forward, as they all are at this point. Morgan is a lazy-ass, so she got booted. No fireworks or trickery, just get the hump out.

Steph - The jungle's not that different from the civilized world. Please, refrain from picking up random floor items and taste-testing them for edibility

Gary - If you really don't want everyone to know your "secret" quit saying "Ready? Break!" everytime more than 4 people are in a group
DOWN...SET...ZING!

Brian - We've been talking, and there technically is a 1 gay guy per tribe limit, and quite frankly, you're not gay enough. Rafe stays, you have to leave, crying if possible. Thanks for understanding. Also, we found out at the challenge that you're roughly equal to 2 women. Hope that helps you out somewhere down the road of life.

Judd - Good job, buddy. Now, if you could only get hit by a thorny tree...

Blake - Do you have Margaret calling you "sir" yet? You sure do have her well-trained.

Margaret - Sit. Stay. Pamper Blake. Good dog.

Amy - It'd be good to girly it up a little. You're giving off way too much of a Twila vibe, and quite frankly, it's creeping me out all over again.

Jamie - Um, if you're that confused on whether Steph is a boy or girl, then you should definitely not walk into the jungle with Rafe, or Brian, or both. It'd just confuse you more

Pop. Poll
No surprise that Steph is still leading the pack, and a distance 2nd and 3rd
go to BJ and Danny, respectively.

Rupert's Corner
Here he is, folks. You know him, you love him. It's Rupert.
"Hiya, PITs. That's Pirates In Training for all you land lovers out there. What? You don't abbreviate the preposition. What the hell did you just say to me? I abbreviate anything the hell I want to, buddy!"

Rupert's not always clear, but fair with the knowledge he does give. Any questions, comments, disgusting feet pictures, or sandwiches should be sent to survivorninja@hotmail.com. Your e-mail, or extreme lack there of, will be answered in a timely fashion, and in the order they were received.

Tune in next week when:
1) Gary, when handing out plates for dinner time, accidentally relapses, yells "HIKE!", and throws a plate full of hot corn through Lydia's head. Brian's only reaction: "Danny was right!"

2) Danny loses more weight and can now become totally undetectable by the human eye simply by turning sideways.

3) Judd complains about his shoulder being hit by a thorny tree right after Margaret gets voted off. AN ATTEMPT AT SOME HUMOROUS IRONY ZING!

Survivor: Guatemala episode 1 recap

2005-09-20T05:45:00.000-07:00

One survivor is a gay, one is throwing up, one is holding his team back, and one is a waiter.

Yeah, that's all Bobby Jon. FIRST ZING OF THE NEW SEASON ZING!

Welcome to Survivor: Guacamole...I mean, GAUTEMALALALALalalalala...la....la......la.

First off, allow myself to introduce...myself. I'm the one affectionately referred to by my peers (mom and her biker boyfriend) as the Survivor Ninja.
I get the inside scoop on all things Survivor: production notes, fan insiders, former cast member feedback, etc. I gather this info, write it all down, burn it, smear the ashes on my face, take a nap, and then write the most absurdly bizarre and increasingly hilarious Survivor review in the history of written text... ever. As per the blog description, be warned, I don't care. I'll make fun of anything from retarded albino lesbian midgets, to, well, retarded albino hetero midgets (I have a very small following, but they understand me). Oh, and if you're French, gitdahellouttahere! For any information on ninjas, pirates, their relationship, and how much the French suck (big metal lady statue... thanks, ya stinky freaks!) visit your local library, or come to my house. It's down the street. No, not that one, the one with the front door. Yeah, right there. Be aware there will be:

- random thoughts translated into text and digitized for your enjoyment
- drunken, shabby hobos for no reason
- profanity that would make a Vietnamese hooker blush
- Vietnamese hookers
- strategically placed past-season references

If any of these things confuses you, you're pretty much gonna be ok. Except for those hookers. If you see ping-pong balls, duck and cover (They have wicked backhands!).

If you're not sure what to expect, please feel free to lick my ass. By "ass", I mean "previous season's posts", and by "lick", I mean "read", and by "feel free", I mean "give ice cream to the homeless!"

Intro: Camera pans down on Mayan ruin. Standing on the top, with the sun setting to his back is Jeff "Let God sort 'em out" Probst. He reaches down, pulls up a spider big as Rupert's beard, bites it in half, and looks to the camera. The words he utters haunt my dreams, and weakens my bladder:

"Welcome to Hell, bitches."

Well, that's how it should have started. The premiere episode starts, with much boredom, and Jeff introduces the 2 separated tribes two smallest pussies of the biggest pussy tribe in Survivor history: Steph (Yah!) and Bobby Jon (forgot he was alive). These two were chosen to lead the new contestants into what would be referred to by me as the scenery that fought back. The weather, the terrain, hell, even the trees were kicking these guys' asses halfway though their 11 MILE hike through the Latin American jungle brush. No poisonous snake or croc encounters, just mean ass plants, and dehydrated stud-monkeys. The guys that looked the most promising went down faster than Bobby Jon's credibility as a serious contestant. I mean, Beej (I get to call him Beej), come one, dude. You know jungles are hot, and that you really should give 110% of hard work the first day when we clearly saw last season that you're composed of about 75% hard work, and 35% primal screaming fits.

Back to the plot:
The survivors first surprise after the "Oh great, it's those two guys. What were their names again?" moment was the introduction of the idea that CBS is running out of money for the Survivor budget. I mean every other season involved boat rides, canoes, limo service, even sky diving into the starting camp sites, but 11 miles. Damn, Burnett, you're a mean mother. The hike got the best of the guys early on. No surprise there, seeing as how every single one of them wanted to show off their Outwit Outplay Outlast muscles by carrying tons of supplies through the jungle. Um, bad call douches. Besides, it's hard to dodge thorny, slow-moving plant matter when you're trying to impress the ladies into not voting your sorry ass off on the first council.

Nakum, or Bobby's Boys as my imaginary goldfish, Flippy, likes to call them, took the lead and got the good camp, the one with actual buildings, while Yaxha trailed, lost, and had to paddle their sorry asses back to their dirt patch they would now call home. The biggest problem I saw was where Steph and Bobby though they were being elected as team leaders, and started acting the part. To no one's surprise they added a couple of notches of resentment on their "Reasons why we should make them go away" lists. Poor tactical planning and an eagerness to make up for past aggressions caused both of the former (and soon to be again) losers to hustle their little useless asses off. Neither one was vital to a team triumph, nor was either praised for their presence. Backfire, much?

Immunity challenge consisted of a boat race, a tug-of-war competition, and an ancient Mayan method for both hauling boats to shore, and for breaking ankles of people stupid enough to stand in front of rolling logs. Nakum and Yaxha were tied for a bit, but more ankles were broken on the Nakum side, Yaxha limped to victory, and a trip to Painsville! I hear it's lovely this time of year. Jim, being the eldest of the survivors, and the least athletic, and, oh yeah, the least coherent of the group, forgot that it was an ankle-breaking challenge, and accidentally broke his arm instead. WHERE ARE MY PILLS? ZING! Honestly, if they think like Rudy, but look like Scout, keep them away from people who seriously have a chance to win the million. Trust me, it would just make for a better show, Mark, that's all.

Nakum went to tribal and, surprise freakin' surprise, Jim got a big torch snuffer mark across his ass on the way out. Man, I wish I had money to bet on him leaving first, 'cause I'd be rich, and in therapy again (I have a slight gambling problem, oh, that, and fecophilia; I just loves those, um,
fecos!)

Anyway, all and all, it was a good start, except nobody got killed. I like to start every season of my favorite shows with a cast death:

Lost: BAM! Dead people everywhere!
O.C. :Boom! Phone check, Trey, phone check!
Rome: Don't get me started, Pollo!
The King of Queens: See ya, Mr. Ben Stiller's real dad!

So there you have it. This is the first of many reviews for this season. Not all of them will be late, but be warned they're all moderately funny, and vastly disturbing. I rub cat eyeballs and my naked skin!

See what I mean?

Now, there's usually a section here where I address everyone individually and tell them what I think they're doing right/ doing wrong/ how bad they suck/ why they should die, whatever the case may be. Well, seeing as how the first episode has no real material or occasion in which I feel I should commit any of their names to memory, I will go ahead and talk to some people:

Gary - Seriously, unless you're name is Tom Boneham, and you love children's soccer, and you're mom died of cancer, and you're gay and love being naked, there's no way your QB career is going to seem threatening, loser. MULTIPLE SOLE SURVIVORS YOU'LL NEVER BE COMPARED TO ZING!

Various nurses on the island - Your instinct to care for people will bite you in your ass at some point during this game. Be warned.

Bobby Jon - Jesus Christ on a cracker, is it possible you're a bigger pussy than before. I guess so, Punky Brewster. RANDOM 80'S SITCOM THAT TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOVE ZING!

Blake - Um, duck next time. Trees don't kill people, people who don't move out of the way of trees do. Um, yeah. (That felt like an insult when I wrote it...)

Probst - Sorry I couldn't make Julie's birthday party. I heard the petting zoo and the clowns were kick ass! STOP RUINING THE YOUNG AND IMPRESSIONALBE ZING!

Pop. Poll:
This is a feature I introduced in last season's review to help the readers new to the series (New? Do you live in the Alps or something?) To introduce them to who's pulling the popular vote and who's being collective shat upon by an entire fan base. First impressions are hard to break, so it's no surprise that Steph is leading the pack with 50% of the pop. vote. Well, so far she's the only one with a personality (Yeah, Gary, football careers don't count you Tom wannabe). BJ is, of course, at the bottom of the list, like at Rupert's birthday party (just be happy you made the list, Bobby, and don't tell Osten that you got to go, ok?)

Rupert's corner:
We welcome back Rupert Boneham (allegedly) to the blog. He provides us with his view on the episodes, advice, recipes, and if you read carefully, you might just learn something.

"Ahoy bitch-nuts! It's me, Ru to the pert, here to tell you about skin cancer. It ain't just for rich kids anymore. Anyone can get it. Hell, I got a basil carcinoma the size of a buffalo nickel on the center of my chin. You'd never known 'cause my beard fights it daily, giving my 24 more glorious hours in which to teach teens the perils of underage sex... on drugs... without looking both ways to cross the street. I'm a multi-tasker. I need more pills over here, nurse."

Rupert doesn't always make sense, but we still love him. What, you said you love him, too! FAG!! Ha ha, I tricked you, unless you're a girl, in which case, you're smart 'cause Rupe's got like a ka-gillion dollars.

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, fuck-off letters, chain mail, random forwards of a cat dancing to the Macarena, whatever, please send your mail to survivorninja@hotmail.com Yeah, I'm surprised I got it to, being such a popular name and all...

Tune in next week when:
1) Bobby Jon gets dehydrated fetching water for his team. Ironic, don't you think?
2) Probst catches a random ping-pong ball to the eye.
3) During a challenge Stephanie cries. Whether it's for joy, sorrow, or the thought of baby Janu, no one will ever know...

See ya, freakshow!

Survivor: Palau episode 14 (finale) recap

2005-05-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

The finale was filled with surprises, but only if you haven’t watched the other 13 episodes.

It didn’t feel like Week #14 until they did they obligatory “summary of the last 13 episodes in 5 minutes or less” segment to kick off the 2-hour finale of Survivor Sunday night, but I knew, deep down, it was the end. I watched as Ian squirmed, several times, and cried twice as much in one night as all of Ulong’s and Janu’s tears put together. I watched as Tom went from being a noble fireman, to being a god amongst men. I watched as Jenn fought hard to rally for position, but met the demise that is an inability to make fire. I also watched as Katie…um, did nothing, like she has done so many weeks in the past. Wait! She did nap while Tom and Ian were stuck on buoys for 12 hours. I think that counts as “doing something”.

Jenn went down faster than Coby on prom night (Technically, he had quit school before prom night, but he did mouthersize some guy’s junk on the same night as his scheduled prom). She was doing well, but the guys wanted it more. She wasn’t on the same physical level as they were (that’s what Gregg was for). It came down to a double tie vote at council, and a fire-making competition, which I think is much better than drawing a rock. Jenn left quietly, and then the real fun began.

Ian was put under the spotlight, and man did he SQUIRM! Tom grilled him, and Katie, of course, stood right behind him, as he did so. Tom didn’t care; Katie was only in the running for the million the first day, and then she started “being Katie”. DO NOTHING LEECH ZING! Ian folded like a cheap suit, doubled-back on every word out of his mouth, and sobbed like his puppy had just died. Ok, maybe not a puppy, but maybe his favorite dolphin. Yeah, that’ll make him cry. He really had no comeback or defense for the accusations thrown at him. All he could was take the licks and do damage control. Jenn’s last act of a desperate women involved breaking the barriers of trust between Tom and Ian, and it worked. This maneuver guaranteed that at least one girl would go to final 3, if not both. That was probably the smartest thing she could have done.

“How much do you want it?” Answer: A lot, Jeff Probst, a lot. 12 hours of buoy balancing will make you say crazy things, and that’s exactly what Ian did. Trying to save face on a show based around deceit and trickery, Ian’s nobility interfered with his rational thought making processes, and he actually told Tom that he would give up if he would take Katie to the promised land of last 2 standing. Tom said, “Um, yes.”

Ian is a fool.

He gave the game to Tom. Katie had no one on her side to give her a million, and all three of them should have known that. Ian, on the other hand, could have made a decent case with the Tom-Haters aka Coby, Steph, Janu, and Caryn, if he wasn’t so damn wishy-washy. Apparently, Tom’s respect is worth more than $1,000,000, and Tom’s respect plus a new Corvette, priceless. Man, I hope Tom’s respect can pay all those dolphin food bills Ian has laying around the house, and put gas in his new Corvette. And luckily for Tom, the Tom-Haters’ hatred for Tom does not outweigh everyone’s hatred for Katie.

Jenn – You fought hard, but in the end, you man manipulation wasn’t enough. BTW, I loved that last-minute “gotcha last, gotcha best” move you put on Ian and Tom. Kudos to you! (Season’s first kudos, might I add.)

Ian – Giving Katie the number 2 seat will not get you sexed up by Katie. You’re an idiot, and I’m sorry I ever had faith in such a wimp. It’s a good thing dolphin don’t eat jellyfish, or you’d be a dead man! AQUATIC FOODCHAIN ZING!

Katie – You should have quit when Jenn left. You really had no shot at the money, and you know it. You had a better chance of getting laid than getting a million dollars, but then again, look who’s crying over you. He doesn’t look like the picky type.

Tom – Congrats. I guess now that Ian’s going back to his real life, you have to start sucking your own dong, you bad-ass!

Pop. Poll

In the end, money doesn’t mean shit. Stephanie was our most popular Survivor this season, beating Tom by 20 cool points. I guess surviving and winning are two different things.

Wow, that almost sounded like a PSA, or something you’d hear at the end of a G.I. Joe episode. I didn’t know I could be so deep.

Rupert’s Corner:
Well, as a fellow million dollar recipient, RB has a lot to say on the subject
“Hey Tom! You got a million dollars? Me too! Ain’t it awesome? By the way, nice beard, but you have a long way to go. Don’t forget about orphans; they need love, too!”

Wow. His words fill me with great awe and respect. No, I’m sorry, that was gas. This is your last chance (other than the next season, and pretty much any time this summer) to write me at survivornninja@hotmail.com. Let me know how I’m doing, what you like, don’t like, and I’ll be sure to read it, and immediately delete it to make room for progress. Ignoring people is fun!

My biggest regret this season is that they didn’t show Jeff courageously bringing the votes back to the mainland via jet-ski, skydiving, on the back of a dolphin, or riding on a pirate ghost ship. I mean, what is a finale without Jeff bravely slashing through jungle brush to find an appropriately placed means of transportation? Could it be your trying to define yourself as a legitimate TV personality, or are you hoping to get called to do “Rock n’ Roll Jeopardy” again, Jeff? The world may never know. I think Julie has him by the short and curlies.

SPECIAL REPORT

No, I’m not going to bring up those naked Ami pictures from last season (http://forum.realityfanforum.com/index.php?topic=3398.msg39578 )
but it seems Ramber (Yes, that’s Amber and moronic Red Sox fan put together) headed to the final showdown on Amazing Race with a heavy lead throughout the competition. well, turns out they lost HA! Yeah, Rob and Amber came in second and didn’t win the million. Luckily, they did have CBS fork over some moolah to do a show about their wedding. Unluckily for them, they’re going to court...against CBS. Seems that life is funny like that. From what I’ve heard (my dog told me, so you know it’s true), Rob and Amber are suing CBS for some weird stuff. Let me set up the scene for those who didn’t watch. The last leg of the ”Race” had teams taking a plane from Jamaica to Miami. Rob and Amber barely got on board, and the gate was closed, assuring them a hefty lead over the other two teams, and promising a very big payoff for them. Sources tell me CBS made arrangements (cha-ching) with the airlines to let the second place team on the same flight. If you know anything about homeland security, those folks WILL NOT reopen a gate after it has closed, end of file. Since it was Jamaica, and CBS does have a lot of money, and Air Jamaica was getting lots of airtime for this, the gates were reopened, and ultimately the team that was let on board BEAT Ramber to the finish line in Miami. A big Ha fucking Ha to Rob and Amber, ladies and gentlemen!

That’s what the lawsuit is about, that’s who won Survivor, and Rupert said what he had to say. I’m through for the summer. Everyone stay in touch, and thanks for reading this second season of my blog. We’ll definitely see you in the fall, and yes folks, I’m throwing my ninja star in the ring. I WILL be applying for Survivor season #12, immediately following Survivor: Guacamole. Hopefully, with my cat-like reflexes, and your support, I will make it to the big dance. The e-mail address will remain open all summer long, so if you hear any survivor myth or fact, e-mail me, and I’ll make sure that everyone gets to know about it. Also, I’m thinking of starting a news letter, so you can get my review straight to your e-mail, every time it’s posted. If interested, send me an e-mail saying, “Gimme that shit, hommie!” and I’ll work out the details this summer.

Later, toad lickers!

Survivor: Palau episode 13 recap

2005-05-15T04:22:00.000-07:00

No more racists.

No more Muslims or Mormons.

No more Ulongies.

No more crazy Alabama men.

Just a fireman, a dolphin trainer, and the next two members of the jury.

Welcome to the Final Four*

*Not associated with CBS, NCAA Basketball, or that porno movie about this guy with a really long…um, nevermind.

Week #13, and things are just getting started.

Well, we’ve seen a lot of strange things:
• Sharks taking machetes to the head
• Terrible songs created by mindless English teachers
• Janu
It’s been a great season for the Survivor gang, and things are going to get more hairy from here on out. Just by seeing last night’s episode do we realize that all the real conflict and drama has been depressed and held in for a long time, and some people called “bullshit” at just the right time. Some people cried, some made and broke promises, and others strategized and plotted their way into pole position, and that was just Ian. YOU CRY LIKE A GIRL ZING! Also, let me address the “strong-arm” issue. If you honestly feel bullied on this show, you’re an idiot. You make the decisions, and some are more obvious than others. Just because they had a better idea than yours, doesn’t mean you’re forced into going their way. Katie could have just as easily taken her chances with Gregg and Jenn, and tried for a rock pull. I admire the way Tom and Ian cowboy up every time their plans get smashed, or looked damaged. That’s why there going to be 1st and 2nd, respectively, because let’s face it, Ian is a puppet with no real power in this game other than the woo of Katie, and that’s wearing very thing, as we’ve seen.

Reward challenge (yawn) was the “collection of stuff that you did already” challenge. Rope maze, puzzle, and air guns set the stage for the black ball of rewards, the car. This season, the curse, just got worse. Chevy graciously supplied a 2006 Corvette convertible, fully loaded I would assume. Now, Chevy SUVs are ok, sedans are good too, but a stinkin’ Corvette. I’d write my own name down on the paper at tribal if I had won that thing. People get kinda upset at the car winner, but I would go for blood if someone else got my Corvette. That’s a great 5th place prize, wouldn’t you agree? The curse had to fall on someone, and Ian was the lucky one, depending on how you see it. I never had a doubt of him making final four, but getting a car had me doubting his ability to latch onto Tom through 3 more councils. Letting Tom come with him didn’t help anyone either. It gave Caryn a chance to come clean with the girls and let them sway her decision-making skills. If it weren’t for the fact that she’s so freakin’ stupid that she managed to piss everybody off at the same time, she probably would have made it. Lucky us, she is in fact, freakin’ stupid.

Tom - Well, keep Ian in your pocket and your money. Not like he’s seen much else besides the inside of you pocket the entire game, but you know what I’m saying.

Ian - Nut up, grow a backbone, and get the job done. Tom won’t need you to kiss his ass when he’s got the million. He’ll hire people to do that kinda stuff.

Katie - You’re an idiot. Ian has your vote, and you’re number 3. Again, in case you missed it because you were busy trying to figure out what you’re going to say when you’re on the jury, you’re an idiot.

Jenn - No more Gregg, no more girl alliance, and no more hope.

Pop. Poll
Tom = tops. Katie = bottom. No real changes here.

Rupert’s Corner
Well, hopefully he’s calmed down a bit, but he’s back for more helpful hints.
“4 folks left, and not a one of them saw their mom or dad on this trip. See how important it is to spend time with your kids, especially the ones that play games for lots of money. My mom got a boat. That’s love for you. Peace out, homies!”

I guess he’s in a better mood. I did see a crooked smile emerge from that majestic beard of his. Please, someone, anyone, e-mail me at survivorninja@hotmail.com. I kow you can read this. I’ve been watching you while you’re on your computer. Let me ask you, do you search for “ice cream”, “shaved goats”, or “bike chains” to find those kinda sights?

Tune in Sunday when:
1) Tom finally says “that’s enough”, and leaves Ian with a mouth full of fireman love juice (gross)
2) Ian gets lots of calls from Ibrehem and Bobby Jon. Wonder what that’s about?
3) Katie actually thinks she can win. Ian told her so, and made a pinkey swear (snicker, snicker)
4) Jenn pulls a reverse Janu, and makes Katie believe that she can’t continue. Man, she really is manipulative.

Later, trout sniffers!

Survivor: Palau episode 11, 12ish recap

2005-05-13T02:14:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, I know I’m a bastard. At least I’ll admit it. I didn’t mean to get so backed up, but in my defense, I sorta got married, and I kinda went to Jamaica for a week, so you can’t be that mad at me, right? See, I knew you’d understand. Now, when you’re ready to stop shooting me the bird, we’ll begin…

Go ahead, I’ll wait…

I have nothing but time.

Ok, seriously, you can stop now.

Whatever, I’ll start without you.

Two, two, two weeks in one. Yeah, I’m going to knock out the last two weeks real quick just to save time. And if you’re patient, I might give you a surprise at the end! (Hint: it’s not a pony. I mean, I had one for you, but it died. Sorry about that. Also, don’t feed bars of soap to ponies. I learned that the hard way).

Week #11 and, 13, or is it 16
No, wait, are we at 12 already? Damn...um…I forgot what we’re on.

Well, the Ninja has settled down with a lovely lady, and by lovely, I mean controlling, and by settled down, I mean handed over my balls and turned in my player’s card, and by lady, I mean ice cream (Damn, I gotta stop writing these things so close to lunch). We had 2 weeks apart, and you still look the same as when I left. Seriously, you should change your clothes…slowly. Anyway, a lot has happened, and as I said, I’ll go quick and combine the two weeks because, let’s be honest, not a lot happen after Janu left. Clever editing gave us the impression that Tom might have been on his way out, but let’s face it, nothing brings a group together like their hatred of someone from Ulong.

Reward challenge was an auction for food. In much the same way a chimpanzee will drink its own urine out of sheer curiosity, the castaways bid big bucks for boxes of mystery and caloric value. Some ate well, and others left with pocket money, you know, for all those convenience stores and souvenir carts they have there, in Palau. Losers.

Immunity involved tossing coconuts, which, oddly enough, Greg majored in at Dumb F$%k University. NOT A SMART MAN ZING! Tom the caress of a mother’s touch, and the aim of a bar fly hitting a urinal cake from across the jon. His poor shot gave way to Ian’s first single immunity, which protected him from tribal council, which had nothing to do with anything, or anybody. Steph’s head was on a chopping block from the beginning. Being from Ulong will do that to you.

Steph bit it, but that only started the fun.

Oh yeah, it gets a lot better.

With the Ulongies out of the way, a sad Ninja watched as 6 friends jockeyed for position in each others’ alliances. Man, was that fun to see. Gregg rallied the girls. Tom and Ian rallied the wandering idiot (Yeah, you might call her Caryn) USELESS MEMBER ZING!

Reward was fun, but only if you wanted more conflict. Katie was pulled into the Greg alliance after Jen’s pet castaway won it for them. They set off for scheming and beer (which tastes pretty damn good together if you have just enough of both). Family members, though no one reported any dead grandparents, came to add yet another mandatory tear-filled reward. Honestly, does anyone really feel like a winner when they’re ballin’ half the time because their brother-in-law scammed a free trip to the South Pacific and a couple minutes on national television? Damn, I guess so because Mark Burnett does that sh!t all the time.

Anyway, Greg pulled Katie their way, and Tian (Yeah, its just easier to type) pulled “waste o’ coconut” with them. A tie was thought to be forced, but that was all part of the plan. Regardless what others say, no one was strong-armed or threatened, just give clear choices. Katie either voted with Tian, or was doomed to go the way of the Janu. Yeah, it was that serious. Katie folded, and Tian got the best of Greg. Man, he’s gonna have a tough vote, huh? I wonder how Jen will get him to vote once she’s on the jury? COUPLE OF LOSERS ZING!

Stephanie - I started with you because I was sorry to see you go. You have no real grudge to bare, because you were destined to go down, much like Bobby Jon on Ibrehem. Man, those gay Ulong jokes never get old.

Tom - Ian got two in a row. Losing your grip, or showing that you’re human?

Ian - Keep up the good work. The power of dolphins fills his body. Man, I wouldn’t want to go up against that. Maybe if I was a tuna net, but only if.

Katie - You’re what we call here in the states a “pushover”. You’re as predictable as a Janu crying spree.

Jen - Life’s gonna be different for you. Fixing you own plate of food, cleaning your own clothes. Kissing your own ass...wait, you know what I mean. NOT THAT FUNNY BUT GREG’S A PUSS ZING!

Gregg - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

wait, I got more for you...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Damn, I thought I might have gotten tired of that sooner, but it just came so natural to laugh in Greg’s dumb face.

Pop. Poll

Steph’s popularity continues to rise, at an all time high of 97%! She got cutier when she got on the jury to boot. Tom’s on top for those still in it. Yeah, Caryn is still he worst. Surprise there.

Rupert’s Corner

“Well, I don’t need your intro, ninja. I think there’s nothing worse than missing a dealine to hang out in Jamaica for a week, drinking beer and rum, eating all you want, tanning and napping all day. How selfish of you. Who do you think you are? No, seriously, who in the hell do you think you are? Dammit, man, think of the kids!!! Did you ever consider that? They look up to you for your youthful and comical insight on all things Survivor. They need you, we need you. Yeah, even I need you. The only excuse you have for not doing the review is if you’re ON Survivor. Otherwise, you better shape up, mister! My beard will not tolerate any more foolishness!”

Damn, Rupe, I didn’t know you felt so strong about it. Well, I’m going to cry about what I’ve done, but you can still get me at survivorninja@hotmail.com with your comments and bitchin’. Please, let me know how you feel.

I have no idea where the game is going from here, so I won’t attempt to tell you what’s happening next, but I will say that Week #13, and the finale reviews will be separate, the first coming on Saturday, and the other will be there for you first thing Monday morning. I’m still catching up on all the fun that is after-wedding bullsh!t. Visiting folks, rearranging the house, washing vacation clothes, and going through the mountains and mountains of gifts. Yeah, it’s rough, but that’s what a wife is for. I stay out of the way, and that’s my one job. Man, so far, so good.

Seriously, thanks for your patience with me, and we’ll all be watching this weekend. Later, dorks.

Survivor: Palau episode 10 recap

2005-04-22T04:23:00.000-07:00

Great. First, Caryn's hair goes unwashed for the last 3 days, now who's
gonna cry after every challenge/conversation/bowel movement?

Week #10, and my nipples are hard!

Wow.

I think that about says it for this season of Survivor. I saw it coming, but I didn't see it coming. Hold on while I change my shorts...

That's better. Now then, where were we? Oh, yeah, Janu is the sorriest sack of crap I've ever seen. Also, she is the lightest sack of crap I've ever seen, but that's irrelevant at this point. I never thought I'd see someone, in this lifetime, pull an Osten. Jeff Probst, you just went up 2 notches in my cool book. Steph had her torch in hand; bag on her shoulder, and you got Janu to tap out.

Bravo, Jeff. Bravo.

The period between the beginning of the show and one of the greatest
Survivor moments in history was used to:
a) Waste 40 minutes
b) Show everyone who just started tuning in that Janu is the undisputed sorriest sack of crap they've ever seen.

The challenge involved scaffolds and swimming, which was the theme for tonight's episode, water and metal structures. The tribe was split into teams, which then raced pieces of a tower into the water, then grab a flag, you know the rest. The winners got to meet a chief and have a grand feast, where the losers got to, well, not meet a chief and have a grand feast. Oh, yeah, the losers didn't have to watch Janu throw up, either. So, who really won again, was it Kor, or was it Or, or do they go by Ko and Ror? I don't know, I can't keep up with these kids and their slang. Anywho, Janu threw up her prize, which kinda set the mood for the rest of the episode. Caryn felt like a winner for once, which is good if you're Caryn, because let's face it, Caryn doesn't win very much. Tom and Gregg won as well, which they call "every day". Ian could have done some major damage if he had taken advantage of having those four leave, but it just so happens Tom carries Ian's balls with him, for just such an occasion ISLAND BITCH ZING!

By the way, it wouldn't have surprised me to see Janu ralph all over the chief's lawn, then go and eat some more. It's called an eating disorder. Please, Janu, you need help. BINGE / PURGE ZING!

Seriously, if you know someone with an eating disorder, help them, by offering them lots of food. They need their strength, you know. Oh, and call them "fat" a lot; they love that.

Immunity was interesting, but boring. Two mind-over-matter, stamina challenges in a row is a bit too much for me. No one wants to see the same guy win all the time, and it'll always be Tom, unless they vote him off, or have a challenge involving sucking, because he'd totally lose, because he can’t even suck if he tried. Everything said and done, there was more done than said, as the water rose and weeded out the weak. Knowing that fat floats, Janu was destined to lose. All the other member of Koror followed suit, who for the sake of saving time during challenges, will be referred to as "Non-Toms". Yeah, he got the necklace. Surprise, surprise. The interesting part I mentioned is that the first loser was banished to stay on an island overnight, alone. Boo. Yeah, it's scary, all right. Janu had the honor, and it was very strange. Fire took all night to build, and for a showgirl, you'd think she could dance better than that. Well, she returned, reborn in her craptitude, and set out to do nothing, but with conviction this time.

Counsel came and things went real good. Steph was set to go home, until that beautiful, silver-tongued, son of a bitch, Jeff started laying the verbal smackdown. Jeff had Janu thinking she was doing something good, which she was, but she wasn't, but she did any way. Wait...ouch...uh oh...hold on...

Dammit, that's two pairs of shorts in one day. Back to the story. I don't get why Jeff let Janu say her peace. They should have chucked her torch in the flames, and left it at that. Instead, she got to stand in the place of honor and have her torch snuffed, make a finishing remark, AND sit on the jury. And I thought Julie had it good. LATCHING ON TO A FALLING STAR ZING!

Anyway, she left, Steph shit herself, and the real game begins...

Tom - Keep winning. Trust me on this one.

Gregg - Keep sucking Tom's hose. Trust me on this one.

Ian - Take turns with Gregg.

Katie and Jenn - Find a way to merge together and form one super, do-nothing bitch. I don't know if it'll help, but at least it'll make you more interesting.

Steph - Fight, fight, fight. And when you're done, keep fighting. I got my money on you, don't let me down.

Caryn - Stay low and shut up.

Janu -

(Yeah, that was intentional)

Pop. Poll
Well, great things come in 3's, I'm just waiting on the 3rd thing. Steph has taken the lead over Tom in the Pop Polls. For the first time this season, someone has surpassed Tom in some way. It's a great day, indeed. Caryn and Katie are 1 and 2 in the suck pool, thanks to Janu's early departure.

Rupert's corner
Don't look directly at his shirt. The tye-dye will hypnotize you. Here he is:
"Well, quitting is never easy, and it shouldn't be. They shoulda had that skinny bitch tossed in the ocean, the water ocean, of course. She don't like water much, she's from the desert. Teach your kids to floss, and they thank you later when you're dead."

Thanks, I guess. E-mail me at survivorninja@hotmail.com with questions, comments, or gum. I love gum. I'm sorry, that's beer. I love beer!

Tune in next week when:
1) Tom actually walks on water. Ian drowns with Tom-sized footprints on his shoulders. Coincidence?
2) Gregg finally decided to quit kissing Tom's ass, and turns back to kissing Jenn's, after doing the penis math.
3) Steph gets tanner and hotter; and Ian becomes more, for lack of a better term, Janu-ish.
4) I run out of funny things to say at the end of the review...too late.

To the fans (all three of you; we've grown), I have a next weekend, um,
mine, and a honeymoon the following week, so don't expect too much from me. All I can say is be patient, and I'll do my best to get the good stuff to you.

See ya, trout-sniffers!

Survivor: Palau episode 9 recap

2005-04-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

Great, just great. Now who’s going to wash Caryn’s hair and put up with Janu’s bullshit?

Oh, I guess that was sorta the point.

Week 9 and things are getting better.

Well, we all saw it coming. Ulong is no more, officially. Stephanie now has a serious shot at the million, and I couldn’t be happier. Man, when I saw Steph tear up, I was very moved. It felt like a combination of Rupert winning the million, Jenna’s mom dying, and “Waiting to Exhale” (What? How can that movie not move you? What are you, a monster?) Anyway, it was good to see hear get out of that dirty old Ulong buff (slowly, please... no, no, slower…ahhh, that’s it.) and get into a clean Koror buff. BTW, how funny was it to see the Koror crew all amazed at the clean smell from Steph’s buff? Now that’s good TV!

As any fan of the show knows, there’s no challenge at the merge, just a celebration for those who have made it that far in the game. Instead of competition, the producers do something a little different; they give alcohol to starving people and let nature take its course. Tom had too much rum, but in his defense, he was the drunkest, making him the winner of the drinking competition. Joe and Thud, the simple Palauan fishermen were eager to show the guys how to fish. Joe and Thud only did this to get the men outta the way so they could hit on the small, white woman. Did you see the size of those guys? I could think of only two things when I first saw them:

1) They must be EXTREMELY good fisherman (you know, because they’re huge)
2) They use guys like Ian as currency

After everything was said and done, to be honest, they can’t hold a flame to Dah, but then again, who can? Damn, I sure do miss him…

Immunity challenge was a trip down memory lane. The old “stand on that pedestal while I wave your favorite food in front of your face so you can take off your clothes hopefully” challenge. Yeah, there’s nothing like it, SOTPWIWYFFIFOYFSYCTOYCH for short. It didn’t work, we saw no naughty parts. Jeff, you should be ashamed of yourself. He’s really losing his touch. Aside from that, it was really awkward to see Coby and Janu jump in so quickly for a treat, when they had to have known that they were next in line to be voted out. It was even more awkward to see Janu not crying for a change. She’s either gotten really tough over these last couple of days, or severely dehydrated. Either way, she won’t be around much longer.

Tom – Sorry, broham. I lied to you. There was no drinking competition. Rupert put me up to it, so if you’re going to be mad at anyone, be mad at him.

Ian – Here’s some PB and chocolate (wink, wink)

Caryn – Lather, rinse, sit around camp like a lump of crap, repeat

Gregg – You must be short in real life, considering how low under the radar you can get. USELESS BUT UNNOTICED ZING!

Stephanie – You freakin’ rock, and I hope you win. I’ve picked my pony, folks, and her name is Steph.

Useless girls – You do realize that once Janu’s gone, you’re next. Gregg can’t stop it. Coby really can’t stop it, and Steph will let it happen. Please, either learn to fish, or win some immunity.

Janu – What? No, I didn’t just tell the useless girls that you’re leaving. Not to change the subject or anything, but I like your tattoo. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a bull’s eye on your back. GOING HOME SOON ZING!!!

Coby – What the hell were you thinking? Didn’t you see what happened to Richard? Well, yeah, he did, but not the second time! Dammit, fool! You should have known better than to get catty this early. At least you’re in the jury, so we can see your new hairstyle every Thursday.

Pop. Poll

Well, I was in Las Vegas this past weekend, hence the late review. Let me tell you, if you’ve never been, go now. Drop everything you’re doing and go right now. I’ll wait…

See, what did I tell you? That place has something for everyone. I went to a club called “Rum Jungle”. You can imagine my delight as my favorite alcohol and my favorite type of terrain were merged into one exciting place. If I had 3 words to describe this place, they would be ”Drunken Adult Circus”. If you ever get a chance to go there, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

(Sorry, die-hards. I just thought that would be more interesting than telling you that Tom is still the most popular, and Janu is the suck-ass this week)

Rupert’s Corner

Well, here we are again. You know him, you love him. Ok, you know him and I love him, you just tolerate him. It’s R.B.
“Hi guys! Man, We just got back from Vegas, me and the Ninja, and boy, do they have a lot of problems there. I saw kids, no older than my own daughter, on the celly phones, or whatever they’re callin’ ‘em these days, walking around with their $50 shirts, and $75 jeans, sporting $120 sneakers, wearin’ jewelries (I think they call ‘em blingers or something), just struttin’ around like the world is theirs. Parents, if I could, I’d take the lot of you across my knee and let my beard do the talkin’! You got to teach these kids the value of a dollar, or else, they’ll never get good payin’ jobs and be self-sufficient. Why do you think there’s a whole in the Ozone? Because kids can’t even read, let alone get a job to fix that thing. Every time it rains, water comes shootin’ outta that thing and gets my socks wet, and I HATE wet socks. Please, parents, put down your things and hug a child. Then, when they’re guard is down, throw ‘em in the bathroom with a mop and bucket. I bet they learn to clean up after themselves after that! Wait, where am I?”

I think Rupert had a little too much fun in Vegas, if you know what I mean? (He’s drunk again, if you didn’t know). Please e-mail him and me at survivorninja@hotmail.com with advice and non-aspirin pain relievers (rhymes with Stylenol). He’ll need them, and I collect them. Gotta have ‘em all!

Ok, I need sleep. Tune in next week when:
1) Steph accidentally (wink, wink) uses Janu to get coconuts out of the tree via the big wooden pole trick. Janu, in a surprise twist, cries.
2) Tom drinks sea water, on a dare. Hilarity ensues. No, I’m sorry, that’s insanity ensues. Sorry about the mix-up
3) Ian sees Tom drinking sea water, and dares himself to drink it as well, after making a joke/reference to a past season of Survivor that only other Survivor fans would understand.
4) Caryn and Janu ask Coby to save them seats.

Later.

Survivor: Palau episode 8 recap

2005-04-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, looks like Steph did all those sexual favors to Bobby Jon for nothing.

Week #8 is a burning ring of fire…
(Yeah, Johnny Cash reference)

Well, I was happy to see a change of pace this episode. By change of pace, I, of course, am referring to Coby crying instead of Janu. Yeah, there’s a twist around every turn in Palau this season. Seriously, I’ve seen tortoises humping with more drama and excitement than this. I mean, can someone at least fall into a fire, or eat something poisonous. Jebbus Cripes, I’m so ready for the individual immunities to start. I wanna see what they decide to do with the “do-no-wrong” fireman, and his sickly, aquatic sidekick. After Koror gets rid of Stephanie, it should be good TV from then on.

Reward challenge was the obligatory weird food challenge, and apparently sponsored by the American Dental Association®. Fertilized, half-developed baby ducks, fresh out the shell, was the food of choice for our brave contestants. Ulong chose Steph and Bobby Jon to represent them, while Koror brought out the big guns with father and son team, Ian and Tom. Bobby Jon and Steph had the advantage considering they would eat anything. They’re starving for Rupert’s sake; have you sent those bait fish BJ keeps catching? Well, it was no surprise that Bobby Jon tried to go all out and ended up clogging his esophagus with baby ducks, giving an easy win to Tom’s trib…I mean, Koror.

Immunity involved both swimming and puzzles, again, and a lot of Koror felt left out. Gregg and Coby, the secret lovers, (well, it’s not secret anymore) squared against BJ and Steph, chosen from the Ulong crew. I actually have a to-do list from the Koror camp. I’d like to share it with you:
- find way to kill rats
- clean up shark guts
- comfort Janu when she starts crying for rats
- put coral snake poison in Caryn’s coconut milk
- comfort Janu over loss of Caryn
- kill Janu
- win immunity
So, there you go. Immunity was always in the plan for Koror, not so much for Ulong.

I was impressed to see how the producers handled the 2-person vote-off situation. I liked how the challenge went along with the conversation perfectly. Mark Burnett, you’re a clever bastard, indeed! Bobby Jon couldn’t get it up (tee-hee, snicker) and Stephanie lit her torch to victory. Yes, Jeff you’re clever, too “The tribe has definitely not spoken.” Wow, were you up all night thinking of that Probst? You genius! Anyway, BJ took the walk of shame, but at least he got a hummer from Steph. SEXED UP A LOSER ZING!!!

Tom – Maybe you should put your big-ass hose away every now and then and let someone else look good for a change.

Ian – When Tom asks you if you’ve ever held a fire hose, get away quick.

Gregg – You and Coby make a pretty good pair. Ever had a 3-way with a girl and a gay guy? If you try it, just remember to stick and move. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you get there.

Katie – Sucks to be you. No guys are making out with you. No girls like you. Even the gay guy can’t stand you. That should tell you something right off the bat.

Jenn – Hope you got your “A” game going when Steph comes over, ‘cause she’s not pulling out any stops with Gregg in order to stay in the game. You may want to try something new with him to keep his interest. Ever heard of a Dirty Sanchez?

Caryn – The sound of your rapid aging is keeping everyone up at night. Please try to slow down. Thanks.

Janu – For Osten’s sake, quit already. Just leave. Just get your stuff in the middle of the night and leave.

Coby – It’s bad enough Janu is always crying, now you. Everybody picked on you. Boo freakin’ hoo. Try going to a ninja high school where everyone tries to kill you. AND THAT’S FOR A GRADE!!! But seriously, I probably woulda picked on you, too.

Steph – When you prayed with Ibrehem to become sole survivor, I have a feeling this isn’t what you meant. Allah has a sick sense of humor, huh?

Bobby Jon – You brought her fish, you brought her clam, you taught her how to make fire right before the individual immunity. You poor, stupid bastard!

Pop. Poll – um, have I mentioned that Comcast Communications can suck donkey balls in hell for all eternity?

Rupert’s Corner
Yes, folks, it’s the apple of our eyes, Rupert Hambone here to lay down the skinny for you mark-ass fools up in here.
“Hi gang! Rupert here to let you know that dental hygiene is a very important habit to teach the little ones. Yes, I’m talking about midgets. Its bad enough they’re small, but they don’t have to have bad teeth, too. That’s like a double whammy from God’s sick humor department. Don’t be a fool; stay in school!”

Wow, Rupert is the man! E-mail him or me at survivorninja@hotmail.com for comments and questions, or any other general observations. If your e-mail is deemed worthy, I’ll post it on the blog, for everyone to see and make fun of you about later when you’re real important and you forgot you wrote it. Kinda like when that guy smoked weed, and humped a 14 yr old boy, now look at him, hosting Survivor! No, wait, I’m thinking of someone else. Jeff only does Coke and humps contestants. CAREER GOING NOWHERE AFTER THE SHOW ZING!

Tune in next week when:
1) Coby cries and Janu gets catty (role reversal, anyone?)
2) Drago fights Apollo, and kills him. Rocky has to go to Russia to…sorry, I hit the “Last Channel” button on my remote.
3) Stephanie decides where she’s going to sit on tribal council, as to not get in the way of the real contestants.
4) Katie picks a seat next to Steph

Later, freaks!

Survivor: Palau episode 7 recap

2005-04-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

(Be advised: This is the update where I get really pissy about the show sucking. It happened last season. It’ll probably happen again next season. Deal with it.)

Man, Allah really dropped the ball on this one.

Week #7, and my cable provider. Two things I don’t really care for.

Well, yeah, I’m late with the update, and I say this with the most sincerity and respect:

Bite me.

It’s not my fault; my cable provider (we’ll call them X Communications to keep them anonymous. Better yet, we’ll call them Comcast X. That sounds better.) Anyway, they were supposed to have my cable (both TV and internet) up and running in my new place, but they fumbled the ball. After 3 visits from their less than apt technicians, I’m stuck with no home internet service, and fuzzy channels, including CBS. Yeah, my ReplayTV almost got indigestion from trying to record last Thursday’s episode. Record, you ask? Like I said, I was moving. Well, I’m in my new ninja stronghold, conveniently disguised as a condo on the south side of Savannah, and I’m ready to get back to blogging the snot outta my fans (both of them.)

Challenges are getting boring as the producers figure out how to alter everything for 3 people left. Signal a plane, and the gratuitous puzzle challenge. Staples for the Survivor franchise, and not to mention F%#^ING BORING!!! Nobody wants to see that crap. Maybe if it involves nudity, but let’s face it, this is CBS, and they’d cancel the series before we’d get to see Steph’s boobies (I don’t use the word “boobies” enough). Sure, we get to see Ibrehem’s man-titties, but Rupert-forbid we get to see any bit of someone’s chesticles. Man, what a disappointment.

You missed nothing interesting this last episode. Here’s the skinny:

- Tom did something great, and Koror was the better for it
- Janu cried about something, for a longer than necessary time, considering what she was crying about.
- Ulong lost a tribe member

Sound familiar? Yeah, that’s what has happened every other episode to date. They had better merge soon, or I’m going to be forced to watch O.C. on Thursdays, and I HATE the O.C. It’s getting monotonous on Survivor. Anyone agree? Yeah, of course you do. I’m almost positive that there’ll be a merge this coming Thursday. How am I so sure? Get with the program, dammit! There’s 2 Ulongies left. There are no more religious freaks, minorities, or racists, i.e. no more conflict. They have to mix up the tribes or die in the pit of boredom with this season of Amazing Race.

To the members of Korororororor – Do I really need to say anything to you guys?

Gregg – Watch out for Stephanie when they merge. She’ll sex you up just to stay in this game, and Kim wouldn’t like that very much.

Coby - Watch out for Bobby Jon when they merge. He’ll sex you up just to stay in this game, and Ian wouldn’t like that very much.

Stephanie – Tell Bobby Jon that getting voted off means he wins the game. I’ll bet you’ll lose about 150 lbs of Alabama waiter with that plan.

Bobby Jon – Um, Steph wanted me to tell you that getting voted off is how you win the game. Are you gonna let James and Ibrehem win without you? You better start pissing people off.

Pop. Poll – Haven’t seen it. Comcast sucks big nuts!

Rupert’s Corner – At least I have this to look forward to every week. Here’s Rupert with some pearls for all y’all punk asses!

“Hi folks. Easter has come and gone, but do you know what the Easter Bunny brought with him? Food poisoning! Please, parents, check your eggs before you let the kids get to ‘em. The Easter Bunny is sneaky, not to mention, a sick bastard. Putting kids in the hospital from eating rotten eggs is like crack to that fuzzy-tailed psycho. Please check the shells and the smells. That’s an Easter rhyme you can take to the bank, the safety bank!”

Damn, that guy always cheers me up. Let me know what you think at survivorninja@hotmail.com . This is a legitimate e-mail address. It’s not make-believe. You can send me mail, and I’ll actually respond.

I’m lonely. Please write me.

Tune in next week when:
1) Coby finally snaps and bitch slaps Janu at the sight of her first tear.
2) Ian kisses Caryn, while Tom has a 3-way with Stephanie and Kim (Sorry, Gregg, but you’re a procrastinating loser!)
3) Bobby Jon is the first Survivor to vote himself out of the game, after following Steph’s “Plan for Victory”.

Survivor: Palau episode 6 recap

2005-03-24T05:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, I found something that starts with an "r", and ends with "acist"...

Yeah, you're right! It's James!

As sala'amu alaikum, week #6!

Well, the editors of the show should be pleased. They acutally threw me a curve. For a second, I actually thougth Koror was going to council sans beef stew, with all the up play on Janu's crying episode. Then I thought to myself, "Most awesome authority of all things Survivor*, Janu always cries. You shouldn't be worried." As the story unfolded, I was reassued that the folks at the Kororororor estate were, in fact, safe from flame-snuffage. Ulong, bent over, ready to accept the torch of depth and discomfort, did so without the whimper normally associated with Angie's presence. Another immunity challenge gone, another Ulong member gone with it. I must say, the alocohol they enjoyed must have been laced with some major sedatives, to help soften the blow.

*yeah, that's how I address myself...you wannabes!

Reward challenge was simple: Shoot a replica WWII gun at tiles, eat Pringles with jellyfish. Yeah, simple, in theory. Koror had the benefit of Willard's expertise with a firearm of this caliber, and...wait a minute. Where was Willard? Did I miss something? I could have sworn he was just there, coasting with Tom and the gang...oh well, he was probably sleeping, or daydreaming of sleeping, which is what he did at challenges. Ulong stepped it up, well, Stephanie stepped it up, and the guys filled out the rest of the points, taking Ulong to a win. Did it matter at this point? Do Pringles and fruitty beach drinks really look that good when you're half the size of your enemy? Hell yeah, it does! Jellyfish make everything look better than it is. That's why I bought that timeshare, but I digress. The challenge worked out to the benefit of the Palau medical crew, who could rest easy knowing that jellyfish don't sting other invertebrate creatures. SPINELESS ZING! Salt and alcohol, the black jelly bean of rewards, went down smooth, with a nutty aftertaste of regret before the impending defeat at the immunity challenge.

Immunity began with a box, and ended with a fart.

Sorry, I had chili for dinner.

Back to the game, each tribe received a box, and was instructed to fortify the enemy's box with knots. Personally, if I was on Koror (which I natually would be because I'm not a southern, Muslim, racist with a cute chick, like Ulong), I would have put some of those seas snakes in there. Not the live ones, mind you, but the decapitated ones, just to send a message to the fiorst bastard who reached there weak, non-threatening hand into the flag box to go for Ulong glory. James tepped up, and took the lead on the knot tying. Through the miracle of technology, I have recorded here, the actual thought process in James' head during the fortification of their impenetrable box...

"Loop, swoop, and pull."

Yeah, good plan, James. The challenge went down faster than Coby at one of Richard Hatch's "sexy" parties (gross). The Koror team, using only their weakest players, and Ian, started slow, but had everything under control. Their stick pile looked like, well, a stick pile, whereas Ulong's box was surrounded by a desolate wasteland of tricky knots, and utter confusion. After about 3 minutes, the Koror crew broke through quickly, and took the flag. Meanwhile, James peed on himself, Bobby Jon punched a fish out of rage, Ibrehem mispelled his own name in the sand, while Stephanie worked on the knot, the one in Jeff's pants that is. USING YOUR BODY TO ADVANCE LIKE A GOOD GIRL ZING!! After all was said and done, more was said than done for Ulong, as yet again, they took the walk o' shame to the voting circle jerk, where distrust and multiple votes was in full bloom. Stephanie teetered, and Bobby Jon tottered while James, in his utmost respect to all people and their different beliefs, was asked to leave. Waiting for him on the other side (just off camera) were members of the Black Panters, The Nation of Islam (the violent one, not the passive one), and a pissed off hairdressers union from San Fransisco.

Tom, Ian, Gregg, Katie, Jenn - I figured I would save some time and just say keep doing what you're doing.

Janu - WTF? Is someone hurting you in your sleep sweetie? Was your abusive, alcoholic father a fireman, or a dolphin trainer? What the hell reason do you conjure up to keep crying every freakin' week?!?!? Dammit, even Coby is holding together pretty well, so should you.

Coby - Janu needs your help? I smell a a fabulous makeover for some lucky showgirl!!

Caryn - Please stop eating. The other contributing members of the tribe need their strength.

Ibrehem - Praying helps, but this is probably the one occasion in the history of time where it really doesn't matter at this point.

Bobby Jon - I liked you better all pyscho and hitting stuff. Crazy it up a little.

Stephanie - Nothing smart ass or funny to say about you. You're doing a great job. You have four healthy balls in the palms of your very strong and capable hands. Use them wisely.

James - Apparently, noone every told you this at the clan meetings, but Allah plays golf with your God on the weekends. He made a bet with Allah to see if you'd believe his "my God says he's going home" epiphany he gave you. Dude, you just won Allah $5! Double burn!!!

Pop. poll

CBS has finally gotten off their rich, no nipple showing asses, and updated the website. Tom is no longer #1 in the polls. In fact, he's apparently the only one, climbing to 86% of the pop vote. In a surprise move, Caryn has finally bested Coby as the biggest shitbag on the island with a 35%. Way to not suck as much Coby! NO PUN INTENDED ZING!

Rupert's Corner:
Well, it's the kiddie's pal, and the fishes' nightmare, Rupert B. here to shred another pearl of wisdom from his mighty beard:

"Hiya Survivors! It's me, R.B. No, not Rob from Boston you clever angels. It's Rupert, here to tell you that a stingless jellyfish is what you'll have on your hands if you don't teach your kids to stand up to bullies. There's strength in numbers and you should always find an adult if trouble comes ashore. And if that doesn't work, the instep, ears, throat and groin are all good places to punch a potential attacker. Let 'em rip and make the slip. That's the Rupert B. way!"

Well, the letters keep pouring in at survivorninja@hotmail.com. Unfortunately, they're invisible, so I can't read or reply to them. Please resend your mail, and this time, make it VISIBLE. Thanks for that courtesy.

Tune in next week, when:
1) Yeah, Janu cries
2) Bobby Jon gets a fish, a whole, adult fish! Meanwhile, Tom captures a Sperm whale with his bare hands, and a blindfold on. That Tom, what kinda fireman training made you so deliciously awesome?
3) Ibrehem converts Bobby Jon to Islam, and Stephanie converts Ibrehem to being straight, for once.
4) Ibrehem gets voted out, and forms a group of African American pussies with Rory and Osten, calling themselves "The Hood Bitches!' They travel to ghettos around the US, getting pistol whipped and bitch slapped by every black guy with a pair of nuts that didn't make the show.

Man, I would pay to see that last one, how about you? Send donations to me, and I'll see what I can come up with.

Later, freaknuts!

On a serious note, this SN weekly update is dedicated to Mrs. Betsy Daniels, my high school sophmore English teacher, who passed away March 19th, 2005, here in Savannah, GA. Her love for teaching transcended her own personal trajedies, and made her one of the more memorable teachers I had in high school. Now rejoined with her dearly departed husband, may she find peace at last. Thank you Ms. Daniels. For every hardship, you chose success over defeat. That was your final lesson.

...

Survivor: Palau episode 5 recap

2005-03-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

Ulong, you didn’t want that beef stew anyway. It tasted like victory, and you haven’t acquired that taste. LOSING STREAK ZING!!

Week #3, I mean Week #4, I mean Week #5.

Sorry, they’re all starting to look the same.

Guess what? Ulong continues to suck. It’s a little frustrating for Ulong, but then again, Stephanie will probably go on to win the whole damn thing. Kororororor is just resting on their many, many laurels, while Ulong sinks deeper into the bowel of suckitude. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. The only reason why they decided to bring both tribes to council is because they were trying to break up the winning team. Jeff, you can’t stop this tribe with a mere tribal council. All they did was trim the fat, the old, no challenge participating fat, and move on. The only thing that came of the council for Koror was the fact that everyone is starting to rally for position. It could get very interesting if Koror loses, but let’s face the facts. Ulong has no more influence on this game. At 4 to 8, Koror can have two separate teams, one for each challenge, and it will essentially come down to Ulong getting completely wiped out, and having only of their members on the jury. Also, their votes won’t matter because everyone else from Koror will be on the jury, so unless Ulong has some sort of secret android replicants to take their place at the next challenge, we won’t be seeing much of them soon. Thank Rupert for that. Quite frankly, I was tired of all their bitchin’.

The reward (yeah right) challenge was bitter-sweet, and wet. The Ulong group did what they always do, which is collectively pulled their pants down, and ran backwards through a cornfield (if you don’t understand that reference, you’re probably better off not knowing what it means). Ulong had a lead, and hopes were up, until Ibrehem a.k.a. sack of crap helped Koror completely destroy their dreams of winning just once. Did anyone see Jeff give that dissatisfied head shake when Ibrehem started having trouble? I did, and I laughed my ass off! After all that unpleasantness, Ian pretended that he was having trouble swimming, just to give Ulong some help, but it wouldn’t last when Ian took Koror to the promised land, where they have been living comfortably for the last couple of weeks. Ulong cried a little, as did Janu, and the deed was done.

At tribal, it was no secret that Willard was leaving. He knew it, they knew it, and even Jeff knew it. Janu cried, and the tribe had spoken. Willard walked away, very, very slowly. 15 minutes later, he had finally made it to the end of the path, and Ulong came in for their turn. It was then, and only then that Koror was allowed to unveil their meaty reward. Beef stew, root beer, and a roll were the spoils to the victors, and nothing but frustration to the Ulong tribe. If you’ve ever seen Holocaust pictures, one where you see a malnourished, thin, pale, human being, behind a fence, totally defeated in every possible use of the word, that’s what Ulong looked like. It was sad. It was so sad, that I was crying. No, sorry, that was from laughing so hard at the combined rumble from all their stomachs as they smelled the beef stew coming from afar. Man, what a day. The best part was the last part. Koror was given the opportunity to give one member of Ulong individual immunity, which is the only reason why Ibrehem was still there. He’s got tons of muscles and no real strength. I can only describe his luck in getting immunity as divine intervention. On the other hand, Angie wasn’t so fortunate. The votes had come in, Janu cried, and Angie took the walk of shame, the bad kind, not the funny kind.

Tom and Ian - I don’t really need to say anything here, do I?

Gregg – Did you have to tell your biggest secret to the social butterfly? You arse. Now that you’ve told Coby of your alliance with what’s-her-name, he’s 100% positive that you’re not gay, dashing any hopes of him helping you.

Coby – Sorry. You were going to find out about Gregg eventually, I just wish it didn’t have to happen like this. Go cry to Caryn. That way, you give her something to do, and you’ll both be out of the way so the real Koror tribe can keep winning.

Caryn – Uh oh, here comes Coby. I wonder what he wants. Don’t let Janu see him or else she’ll start crying too.

Janu – Ok, now what are you crying about? Just thinking about puppies and world hunger again, huh? Dammit, toughen up, lady!

Stephanie – Hang in there. All you have to do is rally Bobby Jon and Ibrehem via a 3-way makeout session, and you knock James out, for sure.

Ibrehem – Hang in there. All you have to do is rally James and Bobby Jon via a 3-way makeout session, and you knock Stephanie out, for sure.

Bobby Jon – You’re a pretty lucky guy. And I mean lucky not in the respect that you’re doing well, but in the respect that you have 2 first names. That’s pretty lucky.

James – Keep your big, red neck mouth shut and you might just make it to the merge, dummy!

Angie – Your minimal contributions and lots of screaming at the first sign of progress cannot outweigh the fact that you have made more mistakes that you have tattoos. You are worthless, and made it much farther than you should have. And, no, Stephanie most certainly WILL NOT rock the boys.

Pop. Poll
I’ve had connection problems for the last week (Comcast sucks donkey balls!) so I haven’t been able to look at the polls, but I’m willing to bet Rupert’s beard that Tom and Ian are still on top. I’ll even be bold and say that Ibrehem, with his fake muscles, and apparent breast implants, has moved down a couple of notches, but I think James might have hit rock bottom with his gay comments from last week.

Rupert’s Corner
“Ahoy, land lovers! After that debacle with Willard, I think I’ll tell you guys about respect for your elders. You see, elders are like regular people, just older. Teach your children early on to ask them for help. Old folks love it when people continuously ask them if they need assistance, it makes them feel loved and gives them the attention they used to get when they were contributing members of society. And boy, do they have stories! Sometimes, the stories don’t even have an ending, or a point, but those wrinkles bastards love to tell ‘em! Also, please don’t pour cooking oils down the drain. Your kids will thank you later, unless they’ve become convicts because you brought them up never knowing the arts or music. It’s never too late to start!”

Tune in next week when:
1) James devises a plan to simultaneously insult every race and religion in the world at once.
2) Stephanie finally realizes that she’s a woman, and uses her boobs to get what she wants, just like 75% of all the other women in the world!
3) The tribes merge, making Ibrehem the pitcher, and Coby the catcher.
4) Tom smacks Ian for being such a sissy, just like a real father and son.
5) Janu cries for no apparent reason, then for a semi-apparent reason, then for a legitimate reason. Unfortunately, these episodes of crying do not correspond to the reason for the crying, so nobody knows what in the hot, stinking hell she’s doing on Survivor in the first place.

Survivor: Palau episode 4 recap

2005-03-11T06:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm probably the last person in the world you would hear this from: Coby, you go, girl!

Week #4 fun fact: Homosexuals are naturally strong

Surprise, surprise, surprise. This is more one-sided than a fishing contest against Rupert. Ulong crumbles again as Koror steamrolls the desperately-clinging-to-life Ulong. It's almost not even fun to watch. But then again, yeah right. This is hilarious! Mark Burnett had better play the lotto. Luck is the only thing that can describe picking 20 folks out of tens of thousands of applications, and the powers that be put all the douche bags on one team. Wow. I am shocked and humbled at the awesome power of Koror over Team Super Douche. And anyone who says Tom is carrying them has vastly underestimated the power of a pissed off hairdresser. Put those claws away Coby, your job here is done.

Reward was appropriate. Build a shower and a shitter, and we'll give you some alcohol, so that your bowels get tied in knots from 11 days of wilderness food and booze, and you smell like a bar room floor. Yeah, a shower and a shitter is what you'll need. Apparently James, the self-proclaimed, construction-wise of the group, doesn't have the common sense to put your hygienic area away from your pooping area. Koror had already won, but I know Coby was itching to add some fuzzy floor mats and scented candles to their bathroom ensemble. It was eating at him, like Queer Eye for the Straight Tribe. Ulong, thinking their "stall graffiti" had won the challenge, waited patiently for a boat that would never come. Koror, on the other hand, could care less, and told Jeff, "Just put it over there. We'll get to our new hut when we're done being so damn good at everything."

Immunity was fun to watch for everyone, except for the Steelworkers' Union of Alabama, where they are now one less member. A pillow fight? A gay guy? They were born for that kinda thing! Tom took Bobby Jon, and showed him that crazy only gets you so far. Ibrehem scored one point, and thought he was the hardest black man on the planet (Coincidentally, if you look at their pictures online without reading their names or bios, 9 times out of 10, I bet Ibrehem would be pegged as the gay guy. He does spend a lot of time in the gym, huh James?) Caryn was a flop, as was Janu, or as they shall collectively be called from now on, the Worthless Twins. Willard was the winner of all the Koror losers, simply because he didn't participate. Atta boy, Willard!

Ian - Son of a carpenter. Lived on a farm. Now, trains dolphins. Whoever saw that coming should go in on a lotto ticket with Mark.

Gregg - You still look like a gay Joe Millionaire, but at least you have street cred for stepping up at the immunity challenge.

Tom - What can I say that thousands of adoring fans haven't already said? One thing actually: Please, bitch-slap Caryn.

Coby - What gym do you go to, and how gay do you have to be to get a membership?

Katie - Good, um... I mean, great job on... uh, yeah.

Janu - Eat something, please. The producers are starting to get worried.

Caryn - How did you not get picked for Ulong again?

Willard - Same question

Stephanie - If you were any more of a man, you'd be Ibrehem.

James - I actually read your thesis on the correlation between homosexuality and strength in males ages 25-40. Seriously, folks, he did the research on this. Those comments weren't just ignorant redneck ramblings.

Bobby Jon - I stick to my original views: You're a walking time bomb.

Angie - Yeah, we know you can probably hammer a nail; it's your aim we doubt. I mean, you've already put holes in your ears, nose, lips, nipples, and clitoris. How bad at hammering are you? REVERSE PRINCE ALBERT ZING!!!

Ibrehem - Alright, slugger, you got one point on someone who is roughly 50 lbs lighter than you. You're no Hercules, so I'd save the comments for fear of looking more like a douche bag (that's tonight's theme, if you haven't figured it out yet.)

Kim - Jeff was your crutch, and you just fell on you face. I bet you regret not paddling a little more, or gathering more firewood now, huh? Nothing's worse than a douche bag, except for a lazy douche bag.

Pop. Poll
It's too soon to check the polls at CBS.com, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Tom is #1 with a freakin' bullet. I'll also predict that Coby gained a little ground tonight in the public eye. I'll also stretch and say that James dropped a couple notches due to his comments on the gay community, and their passion for body building.

Rupert's Corner
"Ninja, no need for intros this time. I'll just get straight into it. Why the hell aren't they doing any fishing challenges this season? I mean, they must have had at least 15 or so challenges during my first run where one member was elected (it was usually me for my sea skills) to go out and catch as many fish as possible. What, Jeff? Whadda ya mean there was no fishing challenges? Johnny Fairplay tricked me into getting fish for the tribe? That's absurd! Jeff, you should be ashamed for saying stuff like that about Johnny Fair...oh, dammit. Why was I so blind?!?!?"

Well, Rupert's upset now. Look what you did, Jeff. Please, folks, tell
Rupert it's alright. Please write to survivorninja@hotmail.com and let the old sea dog know that it's not his fault that he trusts everyone.

Tune in next week when:
1) James says something about Ibrehem being naturally able to work long days in the sun because of the times when "his people" were slaves. We're gonna miss James.
2) Stephanie challenges Angie to a contest to see who can have sex with a Ulong guy first to guarantee that at least one of them presents a reason to be kept around.
3) Ibrehem wins the contest (gross)
4) Tom, Ian, and Gregg take turns telling each other how great they are. Janu tried to join in, but just ends up crying.
5) The producers of Survivor realize that Kim wasn't supposed to be cast. She's not a douche bag, she's a lump of crap; they go on Amazing Race. ROB AND AMBER ZING!

Well, it may be short, but it’s definitely not completely unsweet.

Back to the motel like N2Deep (Seriously, Motel 6 is so comfortable, and super cheap!)

Douche bag tally (including that one): 6

Survivor: Palau episode 3 recap

2005-03-04T09:03:00.000-08:00

1 injured Jeff = Kim

Actually, 1 injured Jeff = 3 or 4 Kims

I believe in miracles. Where you from, you sexy Week 3?

So, apparently Kororororororor is now dabbling in snake hunting and shark wrestling. Meanwhile, Bobby Joke, I mean, Jon is shooting the sling at fish almost as big as his thumb. If he keeps it up, he'll have a meal by the time everyone merges. NO FISHING SKILL ZING! Honestly, the only way Ulong will take the immunity momentum from the freight train that is Koror, is if Koror throws a challenge to get rid of someone (similar to the Pearl Islands disaster). I very much doubt they will do that because there is no friction in Koror aside from Caryn feeling like a useless wrinkle bag, but, let's face it, Willard holds that title right now.

Getting back to this snake/shark thing, what in the hell is Ian thinking? I mean, you chum the water with snake's blood, then wade out near a shark, and try and put all 100lbs of your body weight behind a pointy stick? Um, you're supposed to be the most knowledgeable in the group about aquatic animals and you can't do the math? Damn, what do you train dolphins to do, not take commands? If Rupert were there, he'd show you a thing or two about shark hunter, or as he likes to call it, "falling off a log."

Reward challenge (about half that name is true) was a shut-out. Ulong's fight for a victory was overshadowed by the fact that they got a sewing kit. The challenge itself made me mad. There was so much potential for totally taking someone down that these people forgot that they could take out some serious aggressions on other people. If I was Gregg, Angie and Booby Jon would have been dog food, and I would have let Janu take the ring. Speaking of really skinny, useless people, Janu isn't looking too good. How can that women be an emotional wreck about everything she does? Choosing a tribe, swimming, eating, sleeping. Is there anything she won't cry about?

Immunity was fun for everyone. LA Jeff is an idiot. He had to pee-pee in the middle of the night, so instead of going in the ocean, like millions of fish do everyday, he decides to go inland to the pre-destined bathroom facility, or the "shittin' hole" as James calls it, and he steps on a coconut and rolls his ankle. WTF? You would think a person would maybe try and take some form of light with him through a dark, tropical island that is riddled with no less than 17 different ways to kill you. Not LA Jeff. I guess "seeing through the darkness" is for pussy losers, and real men don't do that kinda stuff. Well, how's your ankle, jerk? I hope it's broken in two, no, three pieces!

Where was I? Oh yeah, immunity challenge was actually pretty interesting. Weighed bags to hinder your progress, but enough about Willard, there were these backpacks filled with sand that everyone had to lug around. LA Jeff dropped out quick and watched as his team folded like a cheap suit. Is it just me, or are Ibreham's muscles for show only? I mean, he's the living definition of "cosmetic muscle". He got all those bumps, but not where it counts. NO TESTICLES ZING! The day ran on, the packs got heavy, but in the end, Tom's persistence, and Ian's long arms gave Koror the victory.

Jeff, in a shocking heroic version of an Osten move, told everyone to vote him off. Bobby Jon tried to rally everyone against Kim. Bobby Jon rationale was that Jeff, with a messed up ankle is better than Kim, who is perfectly healthy. That's the best thing I heard all week. Kim is a lump of crap, hands down. You can't defend and argument like that. Anyway, Bobby tried, but failed, and everyone went with Jeff, which will now make Kim a lump of crap, who will now be cold at nights, unless James has something to say about it. On second thought, he'll probably let her freeze if given the option.

Caryn - Quit your bitching. You're complaining more than the hair dresser, and he's the biggest wimp out here.

Coby - Come on! It was only a 20 lbs bag! You've had guys heavier than that on your back. GAY SEX ZING!

Gregg - You can't let tattooed women push you around. Don't take any shit from anybody. By the way, you look like a retarded Joe Millionaire

Tom - Damn, you're a bad-ass. That's about all I can say about you for now.

Ian - Eat something for Rupert's sake, you're starting to look like Janu.

Janu - Don't wear stripes around Koror camp. the way you're looking, they'll mistake you for one of the snakes WEAK BUT DID IT TO HAVE FOUR ZINGS IN ONE REVIEW ZING!

Katie - Um, I'm sorry. How long have you been here? I just noticed you were here. That's weird.

Willard - Sorry, I didn't mean to get in your face while you were sleeping. I thought you were dead.

Jennifer - You had better start making yourself noticeable. Dammit, at least people know who Coby is, and he hasn't done anything out of the ordinary.

Ibreham - You've spent countless hours at the gym, and got no exercise. What a waste of clean water you are.

Stephanie - I've noticed that for 3 weeks straight you have preached to get someone voted off, and for 3 weeks straight, you've changed your mind to go with the majority, even if you disagree with it. Man, what a great wife you'd make. You can yell at me all day long, but in the end, you're going to do what I say.

...did death do us part, I do.

Kim - Good luck not getting voted off next week. FYI: Don't ever say, "I'm tired of this game." at tribal council. Have you seen my list of things not to say? Well, you should ask around if you haven't.

Angie - Yeah, you're helping a little, but don't get too excited. You may last till the merge, but then you got to go up against all those people that hate you.

Bobby Jon - Don't be such a psycho. Quit yelling. What are you trying to prove, that waiters can be tough? Get over yourself. I find that the people who work the hardest are usually the ones with the least to contribute to the tribe. If you were truly valuable, you could do a lot less, and still get recognition.

James - Holy hell, son! Git those sons of bitches in order!

Jeff - Yeah, I know, your ankle. You dummy. You just threw away what was looking at a real good shot at $1 million because you're not coordinated enough to walk to the bathroom. Ouch.

Poll Update:
It's getting a little obvious at this point, but Tom, now up to a staggering 86% of the popular vote, is trailed by Ian, at 78%. Coming a close 3rd is Bobby Jon, the Alabama Psycho, at 74%, and Coby, is now officially the least favored to be sole survivor. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Rupert's Corner:
The man that needs no introduction, just a tank top, and a smile:
"GIMME YOUR SHOES, OR I'LL BEAT YA! Just kidding, friends. It's me, Rupert B., here to tell you that Bobby Jon is not my friend. Did you see his Hawaiian sling technique? It's an abomination! No one uses a sling like that, not on my planet. What if kids were watching? They could get themselves hurt copying him, or worse...they could grow up to be psycho waiters! Man, if Bobby Jon is the reason a kid gets hurt, I will personally close down Alabama, permanently! No, my mind's made up. I'll do it if he gets out of line one more time. And please, teach a child to appreciate classical music. They thank you later for it!"

...and I'm spent. Thanks for continuing to read this crap. Tune in next week when:
1) Koror finally realizes they have all these poison snake heads lying around and nothing to do with them. Good thing next challenge is a food challenge.
2) Ian trains a shark to bring them fish, while Tom smelts a skillet, and Gregg finishes the motor for their canoe. Meanwhile, Ulong tries to not get in the way of Bobby Jon's wild sling antics.
3) Janu and Willard have a contest to see who can have the smallest, yet droopiest boobs.
4) After the episode, Rupert Boneham closes Alabama; no one knows why.

SN update - Alumni

2005-03-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's me.

Yeah, it's not Friday.

Just thought I would comment on some alumni of ours.

Jenna and Ethan, the half-ugly, wholely-rich, down syndrome version of Rob and Amber, appeared on Fear Factor: Reality Stars Monday night with the likes of Omarosa, some Bachelorette reject, an Amazing Race winner, and an American Idol reject. How in the world are you going to put losers like Omarosa and some pink haired "I'm no Rueben" person along with two (not just one, 2!) sole survivors? I mean, these people lived over a month on a deserted island TWICE in their lifetimes, and you're putting them up against a guy who didn't get married, a girl who didn't get a record contract, and a women who didn't get a job. Wow, these folks will be tough to go up against. Believe or not, both our survivors were beaten by the Bachelorette guy. Yeah, how embarassing is that? What do you tell Rupert when he sees you at the meetings (the super secret Survivor alumni meetings where Mark Burnett gives you candy, and a job guest appearing at an opening of a Radio Shack in Duluth, MN, that's what meetings.)? Man, that's gotta be a burn. I mean, I could sleep at night if the Amazing Race guy had won, but no, it would have to be the one who's sole qualification for being on Fear Factor that episode was that he didn't get married. How do you live with yourself, Ethan? Oh yeah, your Grass Roots Soccor crap. I forgot; How stupid of me to ask. And Jenna, well, someone should confront you about your lose on your Survivor Live show on Friday afternoon. Do I have any takers? Please, someone catch her on this!

As long as you're thinking of Amazing Race, yeah, I'm going to talk about them. Rob and Amber, the couple that nobody cares about is at it again. Apparently, CBS contractual stipulations say that because Rob was also a contestant in Survivor, he's not allowed to touch the money that Amber won. It could be seen as a "payoff" for letting Amber win, and she could potentially lose the money if that happened. So, what do you do when you're 15 mintues of fame is at 14:59? You go on another show and try to win your own million dollars! Yes, Mark felt so bad for their situation (either that or he bought the rights to their wedding, and the honeymoon) that he let them try their hand at Amazing Race. I'm sure that their audition was thoroughly considered. In all actuality, it probably went like this:

Mark Burnett - Hello?

Boston Rob - Yeah, this is Boston Rob. GO SOX!!

MB - Oh, hey Rob. What's up? You have another Red Sox hat you want me to auction on E-bay for you?

BR - Nah, I need some money. I can't touch Amber's What do I do? SOX RULE!!

MB - Well, there's always All Stars 2?

BR - No, that's too far away. I'm trying to buy Amber's wedding ring. It's got all the Sox' names engraved on it. You know, real romantic like.

MB - Well, how about Amazing Race?

BR - Ok, what do I need to do?

MB - Do you want to be in it?

BR - Hell freakin' yeah!

MB - Ok, you're in.

BR - Sweet. Thanks Mark.

MB - No problem, Rob.

BR - That's Boston Rob.

MB - Whatever.

So you see, it was a ver entricate and time-consuming audition process.

Anyway, back to the point. These two dirt bags used their pseudo stardom to sucker some vacationing douchebag into helping them gain the lead on the competition. What a couple of arses! It just pissed me off, that's all.

So, there you go. Want more of a reason to hate Rob, then tune in every week to Amzaing Race to fuel your fire or rage!

You can get back to the rest of your week now.

Survivor: Palau episode 2 recap

2005-02-26T06:17:00.000-08:00

The Lord giveth (large Mormon boobies), and The Lord taketh away (large Mormon boobies)

Week 2, you're so fine. You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Week 2. (clap,clap...clap)

Survivor just doesn't feel right without a balance challenge, a couple of flags (no, Coby, I said FLAGS), a message descramble, and a personal trainer talking about needing some protein. Man, it feels like home again. Nothing real exciting happened. The boys of Ulong tried to spear a fish, but got big clams instead. Korororororor took a dive, and all they got was fire. (Did you see the look of concern and surprise on Probst's face when they told him the kayak capsized? Man, he could care less.) All of that aside, it was a pretty uneventful day. Caryn complained about their choosing the new beach hastily, but noone paid her any attention. Willard kept under the radar, becoming more like Scout every day. Jeff and Kim are the faux Rob and Amber, the only difference being she has no power over the game, and Jeff is a moron (no, Ashlee, I said MORON). Other than that, it's just Angie rallying people for revenge, and James giving us pearls of wisdom, in a accent that noone can interpret.

The reward challenge involved some balancing, and as we found to be very tricky, a rope swong. Both started off really weak. Bobby Jon showed his psycho inner-child. Angie showed us that tattoos help your equilibrium, and Koror showed us that women with no upper body strength should sit out of these kinda challenges. The Ulong crew took victory easily, not before Bobby hit himself repeatedly in the head. I have a funny feeling he's going to snap.The pressures of being a 27 year old waiter are now manifesting themselves on the island. What a terrible time for an explosion.

Immunity was fun for Koror. With their day long expedition of diving for the flint chest, this challenge was no problem. Tom, once again, stepped up to the plate and delivered a stellar perfomance. Man, does he have something he's trying to prove, or what? Kim and Ashlee, both equal in their likeness to lumps of crap, did nothing to help their team. Ashlee is naturally buoyant in the front, so it was already a difficult challenge for her, but what's Kim's excuse? Koror took the easy victory from Ulong, sending those pitiful bastards back to tribal to see who sucked the most. They were going to vote out Kim, to break up any alliance that might be forming between her and LA Jeff, but they punked out because someone said it would be Ashlee leaving. Ashlee made no effort to ally with anyone, and she had a generally terrible attitude. For a second, I thought she was going to pull an Osten on us, but she got voted out before she had the chance. It's a shame, too. I mean, the showgirl didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted her to look in my mind. The other ladies, although none of them are aging hippies, or womynist/Playboy models, these women need to get some personality. All they do is complain, except for Janu, who's just happy she hasn't broken a hip or something. Poor thing. Has Survivor become a place where previously talented and accomplished people go to die? What can Willard and Caryn possibly bring to the table. An ex-sniper and a civil rights attorney; That's how most UPN show ideas get started.

James - Slow down and pronunciate, and we might listen to what you have to say.

Tom - Wow! You're freakin' awesome! That's it, really. I don't have much on you.

Angie - The world's not out to get you. Quit acting like you proved them all wrong just because you did what you were supposed to do on the challenge.

Coby - Contribute now, so you can prove your usefulness later.

Caryn - See Coby

Willard - You're going to be dragged along for your vote until you're not longer needed. You can't compete with all these young people running around. The mind is willing, but the body is unable. Yes, I'm paraphrasing Shakespeare again. You got me!

Gregg / Jef f - be less eye candy, and do something useful

Kim / Katie / Jennifer - same goes for you

Ibreham - I don't get it. Do you represent all gay African-American males, or just the really prissy, soft spoken, straight African American males. Come on, Ibreham. What better place to come out of the closet than on a deserted island? SEXUAL CONFUSION ZING!

Janu - For God's sake, would you eat something! Nobody out here is going to tell you that you blew the audition because you needed to lose 5 pounds. An aging psuedo-star is a sad sight, indeed!

Bobby Jon - For some strange reason, I see you killing your entire tribe while they sleep. Just a hunch, really.

Stephanie - you're probably going to win as long as noone else assumes control and realizes that you're nothing more than an instigator and a vote. Keep up the good work.

Ian - You have the best strategy: Do memorable things that help the whole tribe, but stay away from the spotlight as to not get voted off. This plan of yours is just crazy enough to work.

Ashlee - your picture on CBS.com makes you look like you have something going on upstairs, but your "show face" is riddled with empty stares and nothing to say. You got voted out at exactly the right time. And just so we both understand, I wouldn't have joked about snuggling up with Ibreham. I'm pretty sure you guys are on the same team, if you know what I mean. PREFER DONGS ZING!!!

Poll update:
Tom is still taking the popular lead, with 75% of the votes, followed closely by Janu (why?), and Willard at third (again, why?). I'll not award Tom twice in a row,so I'm giving the RB to Ian, for stepping it up in getting the flint. CBS.com did have the loser info, so I'm spliting the "Why are you still here?" award between Caryn and Coby, who, as demostrated, are both equally useless as they are femanine. Congrats to all!

Rupert's Corner:
Hide your shoes and bring your own Tartar sauce (BYOTS!), it's Rupert, the hard-core mutha..I mean, teen mentor with some more pearls of wisdom.
"Hi survivors!. I only got a couple things to say, then I have to get back to single-handedly stopping teen pregnancy in North America, including Canada! Probst, if you weren't a woman, I'd smack you. Don't you ever call a Hawaiian Sling, a tool I use and love, a "spear" ever again. If it weren't for the aroma of freshly baked cookies coming off my beard, I might be angry enough to rip your arm clean off. Also, folks, take one afternoon on a weekend to make tye-dyed T-shirts with your kids, or kids in the neighborhood. It'll keep the little bastards outta trouble, and if they do get in trouble, then hit 'em in the abodmen, right above the naval. This'll knock the wind outta 'em, and we all know that a kid who can't breathe, can't smoke pot with his older, trouble-making friends. Arghh!"

Again, all feedback can go to survivorninja@hotmail.com. All love letters can go to nakedninja@hotmale.com. Please send a photo. No dudes, please. (I made that mistake once and never again.)

Well, another week gone by and we can still hear the songs of Wanda ringing in our ears. Tune in next week when:

1) LA Jeff surpirses no one when he proposes to Kim, after he's been voted off.
2) Willard eats some food, and farts several hours later, making it the most productive thing he's done to date.
3) Coby has dreams of having Gregg and Ibreham over for a little game of "hide the sausage", making it the most gross thing he's done to date, and makes him less productive than Willard.
4) Caryn complains, but no one can hear her over the sound of them not caring in unison.
5) Angie finds a tattoo that she didn't even remember getting.
6) James finds some food, but hides it carefully in his manhole nostrils. The real trick is, Kim and Jeff were sleeping in there at the time. James is too good for words!

Bye, you freaks. (By "freaks", I mean "friends", and by "Bye", I mean "Get a life", and by "friends", I mean "really big freaks, out of which, I am your leader".)

P.S. For the hopelessly lost souls that actually read this garbage, the Hotmale address is a fake. Don't waste your time, suckas!

Survivor: Palau episode 1 recap

2005-02-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

Best Survivor Quote ever: "...I knew we were f...; I knew we was in trouble."

Week #1, and I'm happy as hell.

Well folks, you can't beat an episode that starts with two people going home before the first Pontiac commercial. It's like magic. It's like Jeff reaches down, caresses your face for a moment, and you stare back at him, with those big, torch snuffing hands, and he leans in, and you lean in....wait, where was I going with this? Anyway (that was weird), apparently age and beauty are of no consequence as Wanda, the singing reincarnation of Boy Scout Lil, and Johnathan, just another brainless piece of eye-candy, got the boot on the sandy shores of their would-be home.

How do you explain that you lasted a couple of hours in Survivor? How do you go home and explain that to your family? Better yet, how in all holy hell do you stand up in a boat full of confused, tired from rowing strangers, and start singing Survivor tunes you made up before you came on the trip? Wow, that lady had some balls on her, let me tell you. And, yes, I'm the expert on ladies with balls.

Challenges are back in full swing. I loved the first challenge or as me and Rupert called it, the "get your ass on shore" challenge. It was simple: Get your ass on shore. That's it. No tricks or games, no memory or endurance tests, nothing. Just get your ass on shore. Did anyone see these two heroes jump out at like 500 yards from shore? How both of them didn't go home, it amazes me. All you had to do was paddle close to shore, THEN swim your ass to shore. Of course, the dolphin trainer, Ian, outswan the guys to shore. Jolanda, the former track star, ran her ass off to get the second necklace and immunity from the first cut. As I predicted, her personality began to grow from that moment. Man, I hate being right, but if I had to be, this was a good time. I knew Jo-Jo was going to be a control freak, but wow, that couldn't had worked out better if I had planned it. What was the deal with the grasshopper? It seemed like she was doing it to show off, not because she was hungry. What a freak!

What's that Angie?

No, I was talking about Jo-Jo.

Hold on a sec, Angie. What's that Coby?

No, I was talking about Jo-Jo. Yeah, thanks.

Sorry about that. Back to the plot:

So friendship did blossom in the deep jungle brush as Coby, the sassy bitch, and Angie, a tattooed and pierced "I'm all alone" girl, bonded immeadiately for obvious reasons. If you don't know the obvious reasons, it breaks down like this:

Chemical reactions in the male body when approached by females of similar interests creates a static effect on certain pheremones and nerve relays in the brain. This accounts for productivity when paired, thus creating a lasting bond. In laymen's terms: Every, and I mean every, goth chic has a gay male friend. It's been scientifically proven. Please don't argue with me about this one. I have documentation and test results that will support my argument.

Coby and Angie had a sacred alliance, and that bastard broke it the first chance he got. He had an opportunity to chooser Angie and save hert embaressment of watching Tammy become a member of the game, but no, he chose not to. What a dick! I'm not particularly fond of either one of them, not that I hate them, just don't like them yet. Even I thought that was a dick head move on his part. You could have chalked it up as nerves, or trying to play the game, but that was shitty. He should have his claws clipped. We may have a gay Johnny Fairplay on our hands.

The obstacle course, how I missed you! You look good. Did you lose some weight over the holidays? New Years' resolution, huh? Well, keep it up. Ulong and Kororororor went head-to-head with my good friend, Obby, the obstacle course. Obby had some tricky things laid out for those survivors, but ultimately, it was good planning, and Jolanda's personality that sealed the deal for Ulong. Korororororororor took their fire box, paddled easily to the flag, and claimed victory. But hold on, that's not the best part. They lost their reward, not ot Jeff, not to pirate ghosts, but to Mother freakin' Nature! A wave overturned their outrigger and sank their "specially weighted" box, containing dry flint. Dammit all to Osten!!! What luck! They tried a couple of times, but to no avail. Even the dolphin boy couldn't get it out of the water. Maybe if he used his aqautic animal communication powers, like Aquaman, he could rally the creatures of the deep to help. Alas, they did not respond, and no help came for them.

Ulong came to council, and it was a good one, indeed. Jo-Jo was broad-sided, and took the walk of shame. Everyone, both survivors and viewers, are better off now.

James - You're not Tom. You're not Twila. You're James, and you've joined an elite family of rednecks. Be proud, even though noone can understand you. And yes, Jeff is a son of a bitch.

Tom - You're a NYC Firefighter, so you have credibility. You're also athletic, so you'll get far in this game. But your best quality is that you look like the guy from the Cialis commercials, and that'll get you laid. Hope you brought some pills with you.

Ian - eek, eek, click, click, eek, click, click. Sorry folks, you can't speak dolphin like we can.

Janu - rock climbing, showgirl, emotional wreck from choosing someone to have on your team. I have a funny feeling we're going to be making fun of you a lot this season.

Ashlee - You're not as cute as your picture made us believe.

Jolanda - Have you watched Survivor before? You probably did everything you're not supposed to do on the first day, especially the cardinal rule - DO NOT ASSUME COMMAND! This will get you booted faster than Bubba in the middle of the girl tribe. You could have at least toned down a bit, but I had a feeling that was unlikely. You also said that you wouldn't have done anything different, which amazes me as to how you got there in the first place. You will not be missed Omarosa, I mean, Jolanda. What did I just say? Must of just slipped out. YOU'RE FIRED ZING!!

NEW FEATURES:
Polls and Rupert's Corner
Polls is well, a poll. I basically relay the info from CBS.com as to who is the favorite in America's hearts.

This week, the "Rupert's beard" award goes to Tom, who is leading the polls at 73%. It's no secret, he is pretty darn cool. I don't know how much of that is the "NYC" in front of his "Firefighter" occupation title, or if it's his performance up until now.

Dead last, or the "Why are you still here?" award goes to, surprise, Angie with a whopping 41%. You would think with that she would have at least one fan, but no, She came in a good 10 points behind Karyn, or "Which one?", Willard "Saggy McBoobs", and Coby "Flame On!". Man, you really are all alone. I had no idea.

Rupert's Corner:
This is when that old sea dog and teen mentor, Rupert, gives advise to the survivors on how to be a true champion
"Hello, this is Rupert. Ya know, my beard can grab a man's arm from 10 feet away, just by thinking about it. Now, doesn't that make you want to join a Big Brother / Big Sister program in your neighborhood? I'll give you some fish if you do."

Um, Rupert's Corner is a work in progress. Send me feedback on both of these new features to :

survivorninja@hotmail.com

Well, one down, a lot to go, and I'm seeing good things for this season. Its packed full with beautiful people, and some not some beautiful but contribute in other ways people. We'll see some hard hitting matchups this season.
Old firemen versus young bucks. Gay men versus tattooed (and now bitter) women. Steelworkers versus showgirls. Dolphine trainers versus hardcore mormons. Man, this sounds like a wet dream I had once. Um, you didn't just read that. See you next week when:
- Koror finally gets a fire going, and Tom instinctively, keeps putting it out. Good job, jerk!
- Ashlee asks Angie how the devil got such great detail with that bird he drew on her chest.
- James says something. Tom is brought in to translate. Twila is brought in to translate for Tom.

SN pre-game commentary

2005-02-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

Well gang, here we are. Time to dust off my sword, sharpen my pencil and start work again. Like the swallows of Capistrano, I have returned to shit all over the place.

Yes, friends, it's the Ninja, back for another riveting (if anything happens in the first 5 minutes worth mentioning tomorrow, then it'll be more "riveting" than Vanauatu) season of Survivor:Paula.

Yes, apparently this season is being shot entirely at my ex-girlfriend Paula's house and boy are the castaways in for a treat. Watch out when her "friend" comes for the monthly visit, because she can be a real bit...

huh?

hold on, folks

Palau?

What the hell is a Palau?

Apparently it's not at my ex-girlfriend's house, but in fact, at a remote island in the South Pacific. This island is filled with wildlife and wreckage from WWII war machines. So they could have shot it in Rudy's backyard, and nobody would have been the wiser. OLD VETERAN ZING!!!!

Seriously, these folks look really soft. Seeing as they've exhausted the man vs. woman angle (we just keep winning; it's nature!), they'll probably do an even testicle/chesticle split. Whatever tribe gets Coby, they will have 6 women and 4 men. Please, if you haven't taken the time to read his bio on CBS.com, you really should. He's like Richard Hatch, in the sense that he'll scratch your eyes out if you cross him. MEOW! (Really, he does hair. How much use will that bring to the tribe?)

The "Book by its Cover" goes to Janu, a 39 yr old showgirl from Las Vegas. The last time I checked, the CBS.com poll shows her as a 45% favorite to win the million. How many guys do you think are looking for nude pics of her right now on the web? After last season's Amy debacle, I'm sure they could find some real nice ones of at least 3 of the female cast this season, and maybe a couple of Willard, the new Scout (sic). He looks like he'd be real good friends with Coby. In actuality, Willard is more a Rudy than a fruity. He served in the Marines and Army, was a sniper, and has a law degree from San Diego Tcch, my alma mater (go Mighty Blowfish!!). He seems that he'd be a real contender, but hold on, I haven't even mentioned Jolanda.

SN - What's that shiny thing hanging from your neck, Jo-Jo? (she lets me call her Jo-Jo, but you can't call her that.)

Jo-Jo - Oh, it's nothing, just my NUMEROUS TRACK AND FIELD MEDALS!!!!

Yeah, folks, a real honest-to-Rupert athlete, not a fake one, like Alisha. This lady was destined to go to the Olympics in '96, but she had the same old tired excuse; Her brother was murdered. Wait, that's not funny. Seriously, her brother was slain two weeks before she was supposed to go to the Olympics in ATL, she went to heck in a handbasket, and never got back on her feet. Basically, if you take every depressing "coming through the darkness to see the light" hard luck story out there, and put them together, you'd get Jolanda. Brother was murdered, father commited suicide while she was IN THE ROOM. Her mother had 5 kids, and she took care of them. I could go on, but I don't have sympathy for her. I'm a ninja, it's in my training. Deal with it. She can be the first one voted off for all I care. I have a feeling that she's going to get bossy at some point during the game.

If you didn't see James before, go look right now.

Seriouly, I'll wait.

Ok, that's long enough. At first glance, this guy looks like Twila and Chris did the nasty, aged their child to 33 years (just like Jesus!) and sent him back in time to be sole survivor, in the footsteps of his old man. James is more than that. A steel worker working through college and 4 children, he's a 'neck as far as I can tell. For those who honestly don't know what color neck I am talking about, it's most definitely red. This guy is a little bit of Tom, and a little bit of Twila, not so much Chris, because people will remember his name after the season is over. I hope he does well.

On the other end of the spectrum, Ashlee is the hot Mormon from SC. Her bio is short and sweet, and from the looks of it, so is she. She, for the most part, will be the forbidden fruit of the group. Will he beliefs keep her supple body safe from the dangers of temptation? Watch to find out. I already know what's going to happen. I told Rupert. He knows too. You don't, so there.

Anywho, kids, I don't have time or patience to tell you about the other umpteen misfits from this season. They're definintely easier on the eyes than the last crew, but most definitely more exciting.

Tune in this season when:
1) Jeff reveals the beginning of the game twist: a gunshot wound in everyone's legs, just like the WWII pilots!! That Jeff, he can pull of anything (including Julie's panties) FORMER SURVIVOR TURNED HOST GROUPIE ZING!!!
2) Immunity challenges turn ugly when both tribes find stock piles of working machine guns
3) Dah comes to the island, bringing the only memorable piece of last season to the new season.
4) Someone is voted off, but it's not who you think thanks to clever editing
(Did someone order a big bowl of VAGUE?)
5) Coby does Jeff's hair, Julie shoots him an evil glare. Drama in the making? We'll see.

Sneaking around CBS headquaters

2004-12-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's me again.

I was sneaking around CBS headquaters, deep in the boobless ___________ mountains (I can't reveal the location of their secret lair, because some wannabe ninjas could get hurt).

Anyway, while I was there, I did find out that our best friend Jeff is going to be working for another year or so. That's right, kids. Survivor has been picked up for 2 more seasons, which means we'll see 3 (Palau and two more). No locations or premiere dates have been discussed at this time.

Personally, I think they should do one season away from the equater. Everyone can take the heat, but how about the cold? White snow? Yellow snow? It's all the same when survival is on the line. Tell me what you think. E-mail me at survivorninja@hotmail.com and let me know what a good (or funny) survivor location would be. The best answers may get posted here in the coming weeks. Why do this? Because my katana is as sharp as it's going to get, my ninja outfit is pressed and folded neatly, and I'm bored. Please give me something to do.

If anyone is having survivor withdrawl symptoms:
- making fire in the middle of the living room floor
- trying to stalk, capture, and eat the family dog
- voting out you spouse or children because they're not part of your alliance

my reccomendation for this would be to pick up Survivor on DVD at your local Best Buy (yeah, I work there for the holidays). Available now in both Season 1 strength, and extra-strength All-Stars. I personally would go with the latter containing that ol' pirate and all-around good guy, Rupert. He may not be able to build a shelter on a beach without it getting flooded, but if you have a troubled teen, he'll mentor the snot out of 'em!! His magic beard alone could probably end the teen crime/pregnancy/drug problems in America. I hear tales that his beard smells of freshly baked cookies, and if you tug on it, gum drops and other peoples' unattended shoes fall gently out the bottom. It's a wonderful beard, indeed!!!

I'm gettin' outta this stinkhouse! Later.

Survivor: Vanuatu finale recap

2004-12-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's just like my mom told me when I was a kid, "There are two certain ways to make a million dollars; you can study real hard and become a doctor, or bulls#!t a lot and be a highway construction worker."

Mom didn't say much, but when she did, she was usually right on.

Week #14; it's all over but the crying...

Well, ugliness comes in all forms and Scouts, I mean, shapes. The last tribal council was one of the ugliest I've seen in a while. Some were hurt, others upset, but most certainly all in disbelief as the construction crew prevailed and went mano y mano for the million. Eliza and Scout were easy targets. Eliza wishy-washied her way into the final 4, and Scout quietly left after the second round of "Who's the biggest loser?" After the dust settled, there was to be one road paved to the purse, and who better to pave that road than those two.

Chris began with the famous, "I played the best game" song and dance, where as Twila went the other way with "I'm sorry I lied, but you did too" defense. Both have been proven winners in the past. A trained eye could tell that these two had practiced their speeches months before they even came on the island, doing hours of research on past seasons, reading the reviews online, and formulating equations that would help them win. Like Kaspov vs. Deep Blue, this was clearly a battle of wits and complex thinking...and bulls#!ting. Lots of bulls#!ting.

The jury was equally as intellectual as the terrible 2 (not that they are terrible people, it's just terrible that they're considered the best of Survivor until next season.). Rupert would be spinning in his grave if he was even capable of dying, and, did in fact, die. The meanies were Ami, Eliza, and Sarge, all equally bitter at their own demise. Ami, in all her self-righteous bulls#!t, showed forgiveness as she trandescended above the meager thought of personal gain through trickery and deceipt, and showed everyone that she is even more of a colossal bitch than everyone originally thought. She is the epitome of a bad loser, and should rot in Hell for her smugness. On a final note, how did such lovely boobs get cursed enough to be stuck to that beaver face? My favorite shots of her in Playboy involved her spread-eagle gnawing on a log, and a bent-over-from-behind shot of her building a dam. It was like Zoo Books for adults.WILD KINGDOM ZING!!!

Some folks were not as bitter as they were hurt. Enter the "little sister". Julie's emotional display was not uncalled for, nor was it inappropriate. The only thing I could say was wrong, or "Oh no you didn't" was when they were on the "spooky" forbidden island, looking at everyone's torches, and she stated that she should be careful what she exposed to people, and then they showed her sun-bathing nude on the beach. One word: Classic. Way to go, Survivor. Trivialize the one serious moment that you've had all season with a reminder off all the skin we didn't get to see. You jerks.

In the end, Chris is a bulls#!ter, and Twila is a cold bitch. The vote could have gone either way. Chris' influence on the women's alliance was finally realized when the 5-2 vote went in favor of the unbalanced, ponytailed surprise. He showed sportsmanship and chivalry as he jumped up, screamed, pumped his fists, yelled some more, turned to Twila, gave her a hug, and yelped a " F@%KIN A!" as he ran to his family and fiance. It's a good thing that the vote isn't based on their hair, because Twila had the LPGA mullet thing going, and I think I saw Ami and Scout leaned toward each other saying, "I knew it all along." Man, survivors come and survivors go, but weigh is here to stay. Just about everyone got fat again. Good for some (Beaver Face), and bad for others (Chris had no chin). Chris should have kept his attempt to be more Rupert-like a.k.a. his beard. It defined his face, and made him look less like a douchebag, which is saying a lot for him.

Aside from awkward "What are you doing now?" questions for the non-jury losers, and the forbidden island, torch rememberance ritual, the finale was pretty good. I think that the people who didn't make the jury shouldn't be let back to the reunion. It's like a slap in the face. You don't care about them, you don't want to know what they've been doing to milk the Survivor fame, and you don't care about how many sheep they have. It's like bringing all the gold medalists from the Olympics together to talk, then bringing one high jumper from Russia who got 16th place in the first heat and never advanced to sit with them and make comments in case something relevant comes up to which they can contribute. How embaressing.

Eliza: You're a moron. He dogged you because he knew you're hatred of Twila was greater than your hatred of being lied to. You did exactly what he wanted you to do.

Scout: see above, replace "hatred of Twila" with "you're a useless old lady who should die shortly after the finale episode". Close enough

Twila: You did your best. Who in the hell compared your "I swear on my son's name" remark to Johnny Fairplay faking a dead grandmother? WTF? Was this season that boring that Jeff has to reach for any controversy he can? Have you no shame, Mr. Probst? I guess not.

Chris: How did you do that? No, seirously, how in the Hell did you do that? The greatest Survivor mystery to date. Chris wins the million. He'll spend it all on beer and Kool cigarettes with a month. Freakin' neck!

Jeff: Yeah, Jeff. I haven't talked to you much this season, but you had the best Survivor moment to date. SKYDIVING!?!?!? You're freakin' awesome. I didn't think anything could top that Jet-Ski ride across the Atlantic after Pearl Islands, but I was wrong. With Vote Jar in tote, he slashes his way through the thick jungle brush. "Wait Jeff, aren't you taking Dah with you? You'll need someone to guide you." "I have the jar., Jeff replied, "It has to get to L.A." "We understand Jeff. God speed, Jeff."

Alone in the night, slashing for hours to make it to his next stop. A weary, almost lifeless Jeff stumbles onto the airstrip. "I have to get this to L.A." He moans, as all his strength is being used for the iron grip he has on the Vote Jar. The pilot, understanding that he may not last the trip, carried him aboard, and flies off without a fear. After a brief stop in Hawaii, The final leg begins towards the U.S. Jeff, finally regaining the strength to speak somewhere over the Pacific tells the pilot, "We don't have time to land. I have to do this alone." The pilot, teary-eyed, nods his head, and begins his descent to the predeteremined "unloading" altitude. With a final check of his gear, and the Jar securely placed in a bag (that is seen no where on Jeff's person as he's skydiving), Jeff makes his way to the door of the plane with what little strength he has left. "Let's do this thing!" Is all the the pilot heard as he released the door to Jeff's last leg. Jeff says a little prayer, salutes the American Flag, then jumps fearlessly into the air. Tumbling a million (maybe not this much) miles towards the Earth, he realizes his chute isn't opening. With his quick thinking, he fastens his buff into a rip cord, and finally releases his chute, slowing his descent to his strategically placed motorcycle with optional Vote Jar clamp, ready to ride. It was indeed one of Jeff's greatest Survivor moments. It's safe to say he should have run for President.

Well, I'm a little emotional after recalling the trials and tribulations Jeff had to go through just so all of you out there could sit on your collective fat asses and wait for the vote to show up in L.A. You had no idea what it took to get those votes back to the studio, did you? Well, now you can appreciate Jeff a little more each season for his contribution to the show. I'm finished with this. It's over. Go on with your lives (until next season). Keep looking at the blog for updates and anything I hear about next season: Survivor Poula (Paolu, Paula, whatever). If you liked what you've read this season, you can send me an e-mail to survivorninja@hotmail.com . I want feedback on anything you loved, liked, hated, or just plain loathed this season. Any input is welcome, positive or negative. I will ignore them all, as equals! Seriously, without people like you reading this blog, I'm only typing it for myself, which is sad.

Tune in next season when:
1) Somebody will definitely say one of the forbidden phrases and get voted off (I'll bet money on it)
2) There will be a black, one-legged, aging hippie, ex-drill sargeant lesbian highway construction worker who noone will like, but nobody really hates her, either.
3) Dah returns to his tribe,where he is appointed chief, tries to make peace between tribes, is buried alive, and his name become taboo, much to the demise of Twila's new twins, Dah and Dahla
4) I get pissed at one episode and swear to never write this again. I quickly change my mind afterwards, and we kiss and make up.

See ya next season, SUCKAS!!!!

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 13 recap

2004-12-10T10:32:00.000-08:00

Well, mutha f#%$in', son of a b!%$&, f&#@in' Twila dodged a mutha f%^&in'
bullet, f$%#er!!

week #13 has been edited for television

Tune in next week when:

See ya!

now the uncensored version:

Sadly, as the cast gets smaller, so do the reviews. One more to go until
after the Super Bowl (I hope). Let's not look forward in regret, but instead
look back in appreciation that there was no pointless recap episode.

Wow, Twila has some potty mouth, huh? I guess it's true what they say,
"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone." Twila had some choice
words (well not a big choice; some started with 'f', some started with 'sh')
for Eliza when camp returned one Ami down. Tension mounted as Scout dodged
the attention of the groups yet again. Does everyone really want to bring
her into the final two? Does she really have no street cred with the jury?
All I know is Chris lost Julie's vote, and any chance of getting in her
pants (I think the whole "sister" thing was just to get him in the mood).
Eliza also relapsed into her split personality and started see-sawing. Chris
almost caught the bug, too, but Twila had his nuts buried with the bananas,
so he wasn't going anywhere.

Reward challenge was the we've-ran-outta-ideas challenge, also known as the
second-chance challenge. The fierce 5 had to redo the challenges that they
all sucked at. What do they get for reliving their failures? A horsey ride.
What the fudge? Hot dogs, beer, and a horsey ride. Ok, the volcano was kewl,
but I would have asked for a dune buggy, or a Land Rover, or something.
You've been roughing it for over a month, and you get a ride that doesn't
feel like crossing a stream. 4 wheel drive wouldn't wander aimlessly in the
middle of the stream. Cheap CBS bastards!

Immunity was interesting as well. Did you really need to solve the puzzle to
guess which bag had the white tusks in it? Nimble Eliza won the game, and
assured herself a final 4 seat. That left Julie to scrounge up 2 votes,
which she would have had if Chris was sexually interested in women. Chris
downfall was that he apparently doesn't like girls, which explains why he
kept Twila and Scout. Chris' best move was during tribal when he never once
said "I'm the deciding vote". This kept him in the game, and unfortunately
let one of the two pieces of eye candy go home. Aside from that, is it just
me, or did Ami get back to her Playboy weight? JURY ZING!!!

Eliza: What can I say? You're doing fine as long as you keep wearing that
necklace. You know you're screwed if you don't (and I don't mean in the icky
Scout way).

Scout: Quit trying to screw Eliza in that icky Scout way.

Twila: I swear on your son's life that you won't win the million.

Chris: How in the ever-living hell are you still there? That is the single
greatest Survivor mystery I have ever seen.

Julie: Too much appeal, not enough sex. You coulda had Chris in the palm of
your hand. Unfortunately for him, he only has himself in the palm of his
hand. MANUAL RELEASE ZING!!!

Well, Sunday is the end. 2 hours of Eliza bitching, Twila cussing, Chris
thinking (for once), and Scout aging.

I have no clue what will happen on Sunday. so here's what won't happen:
1) B-Rob shows up and proposes to Twila
2) Rory says something meaningful and useful, and Ami agrees with him
3) Bubba shows up wearing an ALex Trebek shirt
4) Scout wins the million, pulls of his mask and reveals, JOHNNY FAIRPLAY,
Master of Illusion and Misdirection!!!

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 12 recap

2004-12-03T08:04:00.000-08:00

See Ami.

See Ami Scramble.

Scramble, Ami, Scramble.

Week #12... better than nothing.

Well, as we step ever slowly toward the finale of this mediocre season, I have the realization that the final 4 will be composed entirely of lumps of crap. There's not one interesting person left in this game. Maybe Julie, but she stopped talking to us after she voted Sarge out. The important thing is that the man-hating puppets have been disbanded by what now looks like the Island of Misfit Toys. There's not one person that I can look at for more than a minute that I say to myself, "I feel so bad for him/her. They have to live every day of their lives like that." Please send all your loose change, paper money, beer, or new porno to: The Survivor Ninja Misfit Cast Fund c/o Turtlepower@hotmail.com (yeah, I was a Turtle fan. It began my love of the ninja, and pizza, and rats).

Reward was the dreaded better-than-a-trip-to-a-day-spa-because-you-keep-it-when-you-leave challenge, where contestants fight to the death for whatever car the sponsors wanna try and sell to the families of the people on the show (They're the only ones watching). Thanks to her new rail form, making her very hydrodynamic (or is it anemic). Eliza drove away in the G6, and car that has 3 sunroofs put together to make one big sunroof, and a remote start, a feature that only royalty, movie stars, and anyone with $200 can obtain. For those not paying attention, 3 little sunroof will beat up any regular sized sunroof. Like midgets vs. regular people. Three midgets stacked up will kick anyone's ass, except for 4 midgets stacked up, but then we get into international law and not the strict 3-midget US laws, so it's another story for another day. But I digress... (note: I've digressed twice in the last 2 reviews. Ninja don't normally digress, but who's gonna tell a ninja that to his face? Not you, freaknut! That's who.)

Immunity challenge gave everyone with an arm a fair advantage. Thank Rupert that the challenge did not involve anything having to do with physical prowess or strength, because Ami would have taken it again. Instead, it involved shuffleboard. Scout was sure to be good at this (she's really old). But to everyone's surprise, even Chris', Chris won immunity. He was pumping his fists and cheering like he had just beat Ami in an arm wrestling contest, which in all honesty, would never happen. He wasn't on the chopping block this time around, but it never hurts to be sure.

Ami scrambled like she was getting paid for it. She tried to sucker Eliza into a guilt trip, but to no avail. Eliza held strong (the fake tears was a little much; you knew she was going home) and Ami went home, leaving Julie to fend of the wolves, so long as Twila can quit acting like she's running the show. Scout is doing what she has done. She's sitting down with her mouth shut, staying out of the way, trying to coast into the final 3 or 2. Probably get there, too, the way these morons are playing.

Twila - Sweetie, you're not a leader, and you're not a follower. Don't think I haven't noticed that you have been talking to people while holding a machete. Smart move on your part.

Chris - Good job out there. Too bad you're a huge puss who should be watching from home instead of in the middle of the action. If you would have had a fear of getting voted off on that first challenge, then maybe you would have moved like you did last night.

Eliza - Shoulder blades, ew. Besides that, you're doing good. Don't get cocky. The only thing worse than a cocky survivor, is a cocky survivor who just won a car. You're a target; congrats on your ride!

Scout - I hope your leg breaks clean off. No reason, I just hope it does. And for clarification purposes, you couldn't beat these folks with your body from 37 years ago, much less 7 years ago.

Julie - Doing fine, just do what they want and let them self-destruct. Keep working your magic, and immunity wouldn't hurt either. You backed a loser, and they all know it.

Ami - You're the biggest loser I've ever met. It's folks like you that make Saddam look like a saint. You're not that attractive. With a face like that, I half expected you to gnaw through the firewood. zing! (lower-case because it wasn't very strong). Couldn't at least taken Scout with you. Just tell her to follow you. She'd buy it, she's old. She doesn't know what's going on.

THIS JUST IN - SPECIAL SURVIVOR ANNOUNCEMENT - THIS JUST IN

Her loss is your gain. Please visit http://forum.realityfanforum.com/index.php?topic=3398.msg39578 to see Ami nekkid. That's right, folks. When CBS shows you "Coffee Barista / Model", they mean "Coffee Barista / Nekkid Lady". Apparently, Ami used to be a Venus Swimwear model. Well, as luck (depending on who you are) would have it, Playboy did a shoot with them back in 1996, and our girl Ami is not in a buff, but in the buff. NAKED ZING! Please donate to the site if you can. It helps boys become men with its pubic, I mean, public services. Thanks to ShaDel for bringing this to my attention. You have the debt of a ninja. Between you and me, I could only look at those pictures with face covered. She really has a hideous head.

That's all for this week. I walked away a little happier (not just because of the nekkidness, pervs!) Tune in next week when:
1) Pictures of Scout surface in a 1918 National Geographic. 15 people die, 47 injured.
2) Eliza loses more weight, and you can actually see where she has no spine.
3) Dah is seen driving away in someone's new G6. Sorry, Eliza! ( Har Har!)
4) Pictures of Scout surface in a 1902 Car and Driver, featuring the Brand New Model-T. She was 38 at the time.
5) I find some nudes of Rory, for all the sexy ladies out there. My treat! (I don't know how to spell the sound for a dry heave, but rest assured, I am dry heaving)

Concerning Ninjas

2004-11-30T10:39:00.000-08:00

Web Editor Note: For those who may be missing SN's ninja references please visit http://realultimatepower.net/ This is a site SN has bookmarked and visits frequently. It may give non-ninjas some insight into SN's world.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 11 recap

2004-11-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

Leann getting voted off makes turkey taste better. I suggest everyone tries it

...baste a 15 lb. SN week 11 for 8 hours until golden brown...

I had a moment of clarity on Thursday. It was either the beer, the plate of turkey, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, cream corn, rice, gravy, rolls, stuffing, cranberry, macaroni and cheese, or the plate of pumpkin pie, pumpkin cheese cake, mud pie, and more beer. Whatever is was out of that stuff I ate (before Thanksgiving dinner), something finally clicked. No, I didn't realize Ami was gay until this episode. Yes, it does explain her behavior thus far. Yes, I was laughing my cloaked-in-darkness, ninja nuts off when that expression came across her face during tribal. My nin-laws (yes, ninja in-laws) were all laughing about it, and throwing shurkeins, because it was funny and that's what ninjas do. I have never bonded with them like that before. It was obvious when we were fighting pirates and flying around later that night. But I digress...

Reward was expected. What better time for CBS to show off loved ones than on Thanksgiving? The whole "satellite" routine was lame. Yeah, Jeff, you got us -wink,wink-. You're sooooo sneaky. Way to embaress Twila there, Jeff. You feel like a big man now? Like to make the ladies cry, huh Jeff? I haven't invoked the power of Rupert in a while, but I'll do it. (side note: to all ninjas - Rupert is the only pirate allowed to live after the great reckoning.) He'll Hawaiian Sling your ass like it's nobody's business. Anyway, everyone got to meet Eliza's mom, which is probably why they wanted her gone. We definitely see where she picked up her more annoying habits, like breathing.

Immunity was interesting. Leann's whimsical antics with her "friend" paved the way for her to go home. Chris fought hard, but came up short to the Birkenstock wrecking crew of Ami and mate. Everyone was just thrilled to have a loved one there, and what better way to make them feel welcome and thank them than by blind-folding them, screaming at them, and making them look like bumbling fools on a national medium. Way to go, CBS; FOX ain't got poop on you!

All kidding aside, do you think CBS stacked the women's side with gay ladies to try and cause commotion and drama? It would make perfect sense. An all-woman alliance that actually didn't want a man in their corral. That's exactly how it went down, too. Also take note that the straight women, Dolly, Mia, Lisa, all got voted out. CBS, you sly dog. Did you really think we wouldn't notice? I bet you didn't account for the utter cowardice and uselessness of Chris to gum up the works. Lesbian #2 Leann (Rory was one) got the boot after she spoke the magic words, "Immunity doesn't really matter." Let's make a list for the viewers new to survivor experience. These phrases will guarantee that you get voted out at tribal council:
- I'm in control
- I'm the deciding vote
- I don't need immunity
- I'm the biggest threat out here (typically said by those who really suck)
- I know exactly what's going on
- I have no clue what's going on
- I hate Rupert (will get you shot in some circles)
- I know who I can trust
- We have the majority
- I quit (Osten, you puss)
- Hi, I'm Alisa (see Australia, All-Star)

Chris - Give the "swearing on my families' lives" routine a rest. Nobody's buying it. Plus, if your family dies, they'll know you were lying.

Julie - Make a choice. Ami is the prettier, but Twila will beat your ass. Fem or Butch, Julie? Which will it be? Seriously, watch your back because you're straight, and they'll vote you off in a heartbeat.

Ami - Have you ever spilled coffee on someone, and they asked you if could do it again because the pain helped the aliens in their head make decisions like how often I should breathe and where to stab dogs? No. Well, I imagine you would make a face similar to the one you made when you heard each vote for Leann. SUCKA!!

Scout - Who's more sad? The most worthless woman in the world, or the one who sleeps with the most useless woman in the world? The only real loser is the bed. GROSS ZING!

Twila - A son?!?!? Safe money had you swing from the other side of the plate. After your dental display at the last immunity challenge, I figured you for a hard-core woman slayer, but I guess you got a soft spot for the stiff parts. Still, who saw that coming?

Eliza - You're mom almost got you kicked out. Who could be more annoying than Eliza? The woman that spawned her, that's who, mister! How come Eliza is the only one who asked for a parent, and everyone else asked for a lover? (Twila, I'm not ignorant. I know you broke up with your son two weeks ago.)

Leann - Your friend? Come on. You're not fooling anyone.

Seriously, she's just your friend? Oh, ok. Grade school together, right

No, really. You can tell me. She's not maybe a little, more than a friend? Leann....Lee...

Come on, I really wanna know. Honestly, you kiss her and junk, right? No Leann, friends don't kiss like that.

Alright, I'll drop it.

Seriously, you had sex with her, didn't you

Well, apparently Leann's not talking. Seems silence could have been her new "friend" at tribal council. Don't worry Leann, you have all the hangout time you can handle now that you're not winning the game, ever. SECOND ZING!!!

Well, turkey's coming out. Gotta run. Tune in next week when:
1) Chris comes out of the closet
2) Julie comes out of the closet
3) Eliza comes out of the closet
4) Ami says she was just kidding about the whole gay thing
5) Dah bring his new boyfriend, Deh, to the camp
6) Jeff gets in fight with Deh over earrings that Dah got in tree mail.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 10 recap

2004-11-19T07:01:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought everything was going to get better, I made the mistake of watching Survivor last night.

Week #10 (guitar riffs) you'll be a woman, soon

Well, the testosterone levels are dropping on Vanuatu as Chad, an inspiration for alcoholic amputees everywhere, finally resigned as village idiot last night. In an ironic twist, the only man left on the island is Scout, thanks to Chris' gender swap after the last tribal council.

The reward challenge was not new or exciting, just more ropes. Reward was ok, if you're big on National Geographic Explorer or big on little kids singing poorly in English. The tribe welcomed the white devils with a traditional drink known as Kava, which roughly translates into, "knock you on yo ass with one blow." This, combined with the offering of raw chicken and cow entrails, was all part of a big miscommunication. Apparently, a tired translator told the tribe's chief that these people were on Fear Factor, and not Survivor, which explains why they were trying to make them throw up instead of rewarding them.

Immunity challenge was a surprise. They have started the endurance challenges early this season. If you think about it, having to wake everyday to Scout singing some old hippie song is probably an feat of endurance all on it's own. Twila's childhood came in handy (every Christmas, she got a chew toy) as she held on with everything she could to win. Scout hung on way longer than I had thought, which is to say, I thought she would just take the ladder back down as soon as the challenge started. Chad, showing intelligence not yet displayed this game, used his 2 thighs, instead of his 1 lower leg, to hang on longer than almost everyone.

People scrambled, Scout plotted, but the power of Ami and her puppets was too strong. Chris, the rat bastard that he is, weaseled his way out of another vote, and Chad hobbled down the walk of shame. The only real winner was Sarge, who didn't have to put up with that BS anymore.

Chris - I'm surprised you didn't vote for Chad, all the other women were doing it. Trans-gender ZING!!!

Scout - You tried to make up for the fact that you're a worthless wrinkle bag by formulating a plan with the guys. Nice try and thanks. Why thanks? Because you just put a big target on your back, dummy.

Leann - If you don't grow a spine sometime soon, you're not going to win this game. Make a decision for yourself every now and then. Don't wait on Ami to tell you what to do.

Julie - Same goes for you, sweetie. You were doing so well, had a strong game and everything. Now, after a bottle of champagne and some chicken wings, you fall into the lap of Ami via Leann's influence. Plus, Ami knows that your perky rack and tight rear doesn't have any effect on the other women, except for Scout, but you don't want any of that action. Trust me on that one.

Eliza - You know what's going on around you, but your street cred is terrible. Start showing others that you're not just another mouth to feed, and you may get farther than you originally planned, which was "voted out at week 3", if I'm not mistaken.

Ami - What drugs do you put in the food to make everyone a mindless idiot follower? I'm just curious because I have some thug kids that live down the street, and I want them to do some yardwork for me.

Chad -I don't see how you mustered the IQ points to even fill out the application to get on Survivor, much less make it as long as you did. You were as much of a token player, like Rory and Scout. One question: How did you keep sand out of your cool leg, honestly? I mean, did that thing every kink up on you? The best thing you have going right now is sponsership. Call Ottobock. It's the world's largest manufacturer of prostetics. They have a limo waiting for you when this gig is over.

That's all. Turkey Day is fast approaching, and I'm not sure whether we'll see the happy cast next week, or they'll give us the mandatory recap show with bloopers and stuff, but I'll be here either way, reviewing Survivor: Thanksgiving

Tune in next week when:
1) Turkey forms an alliance with stuffing, with delicious results, until cranberry finds out.
2) Rolls and corn bread go head-to-head in the reward challenge; winner gets gravy
3) White rice has a fight with green beans, while sweet potatoes takes advantage of the situation.
4) In the closest vote yet, pumpkin pie is voted out of my colon
5) Survivor Ninja naps with a half-eaten turkey sandwich on his lap, fo' shizzle.

Happy Thanksgiving, and for those who don't celebrate, come over anyway. We got turkey for your heathen ass!!!

Survivor: Vanuatu ep9 recap... for real this time

2004-11-15T08:14:00.001-08:00

Due to the huge fan response for me to continue writing reviews, I took some time for meditation to refocus my energies, and I am now ready to tear into the most revolting cast on Survivor to date.

I have a cousin who eats dirt and talks to trees. He cries when he sees frogs and laughs at cars. He's more intelligent than all three, oops, I mean two, guys that are left in the game.

week #9, and getting worse

This has got to be the worst Survivor crew I have ever seen. I think they lowered their standards when casting this season. Lower than Thailand, you say? Yes, even lower than Thailand. The reward challenge was key to figuring out how stupid the guys are. There was obvious tension between Eliza and Scout, the Man-Haters' mascot, but instead of using her for another vote, Chad suggested that they get rid of her. Am I taking crazy pills? Did he just say what I thought he said? Man, that's dumb. That's standing out in the rain dumb. That playing in traffic dumb. That's not voting off Chris who costs us the first challenge dumb.

Immunity was no better. It was another brain challenge, which we knew the guys would not win. With no real surprise, all three sat down after the first round. Ami won immunity. She was probably the person who needed it the least. The guys didn't even try. They just floundered, like usual. It was embarrassing for anybody who currently owns a penis.

Chad - Obviously, you're not a leader. You're not even a good follower. You haven't won immunity yet, and I'd bet money that you won't. You might as well bow out during the next vote and save some time.

Chris - You yellow-bellied, back-stabbing S.O.B. Congratulations. Your cowardice bought you 3 - 6 more days. You don't win money for that, dumbass. I can't say this enough, but you should not be there to begin with, now you turn on Sarge. May you rot in hell for all eternity for what you've done. You are dead in the eyes of Rupert.

Leann - You need to start focusing on the prize which is Ami leaving ASAP. You could very easily rally the others against her. Instead, you're going to leave with a pat on the back, and a "Better luck next time" ringing in your ear.

Eliza - You could have had an honest shot at the million, but you choose to vote with the same group of women that hate you. You're like a female two-legged Chad.

Scout - Please, don't sing to Sarge, he'll only kill you quicker.

Ami - You're a puppet-master, I'll give you that. But, you're blinded by that power. Julie may come from behind and hamstring you if you're not careful. I'll be watching, laughing at your dumb-ass.

Twila - You're seen more as one of the guys than one of the girls. Scout may try and keep you around for sexual favors, but that's you're only usefulness to her.

Julie - You may be less attractive than before because of your betrayal, but I've still got my money on you for winning the whole thing.

Sarge - You played the best game possible, for a dumb bastard. Military Intelligence, you ain't.

Sir, ZING, Sir!

Well, that's all I could do for this episode. I'm sorry I got upset. I can't stay mad at you, Survivor. We both need to change, that's all.

Tune in next week when:
1) I threaten to never write another review, again.
2) Chad finally figured out he's by himself, as Jeff is snuffing his torch.
3) Dah and Rupert show Chris the true meaning of Christmas, then pummel him for being so freakin' stupid.
4) Scout gets another wrinkle, but no one notices.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 9 recap

2004-11-13T10:11:00.000-08:00

This will be the last review for the Vanuatu season of Survivor. I refuse to continue to watch stupid people make increasingly bad decisions every single week and pretend like I'm not offended. Hell yeah, I'm offended! I may be a ninja, but I'm also a man, dammit. These guys are trying to make me (not really me, but the rest of you guys) look very stupid. "Let's get Eliza out." WTF!?!?!?! Are you on crazy pills?!?!? Did you really just say that? You have to be the stupidest SOB on the face of the planet to not IMMEADIATELY think how you could easliy use Twila and Eliza to get the
numbers.

Chris - You're the biggest coward, the worst player, and the lamest excuse for a Survivor I have ever seen. You're a combination of the worst parts of Sruvivor-Thailand and Dah's dirty loin clothes. You're are the single reason
why this season sucks. You're not worthy to carry Scout's feces (anyone reading my blog knows how much I like Scout).

Chad- You're as smart as Scout is young. I have all my limbs, but I'm insulted that you represent people with physical deformity. You should beat yourself to death with the good leg. You're not worthy of the fake one.

Sarge- I know I really shouldn't have to tell you this, but being a military man, TELL ALL YOUR TROOPS THE PLAN BEFORE YOU ENACT IT. Chris apparently had zero confidence in you as a leader, and I don't blame him.

To the women- Chicken wings. Wow, you showed those guys, huh?

That's it. I hate this season. If I ever see this season out in the streets, it's on.

Recap???

2004-11-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

Due to unforseen drunkedness, the review will be posted this weekend by Sunday night. We apologize for this, and alcoholism in general.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 8 recap

2004-11-05T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's true what they say: Men are from Mars, Women are from some super-intelligent planet lightyears ahead of the Man planet.

Stop picking at week #8, or it'll never get better...

What can I say? Guys are dumb, especially these guys. This week, we saw the beginning of the end for the remaining guys. Here's what I don't understand... How in the hell do you let a coffee barista (which is another name for "no real job") take control and rally all the women behind her? If these women were a little more assertive, and less like lemmings, they might figure out that she needs to go before she breaks away and runs for the million. I was very disappointed in all the guys. They should have known better, and they make all guys look weak and submissive. I didn't see this episode until Mrs. Ninja was finished watching O.C. and North Shore, but once she went to bed, you-know-who took control. I could teach those guys a thing or two.

Reward: Sweets. I just don't get it. I need a job thinking of rewards for these challenges. I mean, you give them a huge cake, knowing that they're about to merge. What's the point? Everyone ate cake. How is that a reward? Oh, it was a day old. I understand now. The "losers" had to eat day old cake, where as the "winners" ate delicious...um...not day old cake. So I guess they really did win. Take that, Scout!!!

Sarge: What exactly were you thinking? First you try and take Twila from Chris. Then, Jon's torch isn't even cold yet, and you're getting all close on Julie. "She sat between my legs." Yeah, and I'm sure you weren't bright enough to see she's playing you. For Rupert's sake, man, they got you to go bare-ass on the beach. You're a puppy dog to them. I hope, for your sake, you keep winning immunity.

Twila: They gave you food, shelter, treated you like one of the guys, and this is how you repay them? You make me sick (technically, you've always made me sick, but now we all see the doo-doo in your soul).

Chad: Apparently, male intelligence can be linked to a fully functioning right leg.

Chris: I know I keep coming back to this, but why am I still looking at you? There's no way in hell you should be there. But then again, Scout is still there, so I see your point. Touché. Also, that leg joke was awesome. There's not better way to bond with an Extremity Deficient American (gotta be PC) than to poke fun at it, and then play it off like it was an accident.

Scout: No sh!t you're overjoyed to see the other women. That means you can ride that wave until the final four. I hate you.

Leann: Put the coffee in the coffee maker, add water, and press the button. There, you're now an official coffee barista. See how easy it is? You now have all the skills necessary to lead the women.

Eliza: I don't know why you were smiling during the vote. The only reason you're still there is because you were born without a penis (which is still up for debate) ZING!!!

Scout: Did I mention that I hate you?

Julie: If you win, I will not be surprised. Next to Sarge, I hope it's you. You have used your body and smarts to manipulate every aspect of the game. Pulling the wool over the guy's eyes, brilliant. Fooling Twila into re-allying with you, brilliant. Getting Sarge to go bare-ass, brill...no, gross...really, very gross. Don't do that any more, please.

Ami: You're Stalin, Hitler, and Magneto rolled into one getting-less-attractive-every-day body. May you rot in hell for all eternity for your hatred towards men. But enough with the compliments...

Scout: Alinta? WTF!?!? I hate you even more for that.

Rory aka Chocolate Thunder: You had it. You had the guys back. All you had to do was swing one lady. That's all. Eliza would have been easy, she's been wishy-washy from day one. Twila and Julie, might have been a challenge, but still easy. Even if you got one lady to vote another way, and not had the vote go in your favor, you would have disrupted the harmony of the NBA (No Balls Alliance). It's hard to say, but I hate to see you go. You've been very easy to make fun of. You're a walking joke. I hope you didn't get beat up when you got home.

I'm starting to hate this season, but as a ninja, who's gonna tell me otherwise. It ain't you, sucka!

Tune in next week, where:

1) I get even more upset as another guy goes home
2) I stop watching Survivor until next season.
3) Chad loses an ass-kicking contest
4) Ami's love for coffee overcomes her hatred of men, and she runs off with Juan Valdez to the mountains of Columbia (Ok, that's a stretch, but I just hope Ami leaves soon.)

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 7 recap

2004-10-29T06:25:00.000-07:00

Riding coat tails is a lot like riding mechanical bulls. Eventually, you get tossed.

You dumb ass.

...you had me at "week 7"...

This week we got to see the mandatory tear-jerker episode where Jeff tells everyone there's a picture, or a letter, or a piece of furniture from home waiting for them if they win. I hate these episodes. I have 2nd degree burns from the sun scorching my naked skin, I've lost 45 lbs of body weight in the last month, and you reward me with a picture of me when I was 4 years old, peeing in the potty like a big boy? You bastards!!!

Thank God there was coffee to lift your spirits. Too bad that coffee is a diuretic (it dehydrates you). Are the reward guys at Survivor Inc. on strike or something? WTF? Was I the only one that noticed Rory was sweating like he had just run a marathon and all he did was SHOT A FREAKIN' SLINGSHOT!!! Rory, for the love of Osten, would ya please drink some water, buddy?

You got 2 tribes, one of which has an angry, no-one-is-on-my-side, black man dropping F-bombs like it's going out of style. Who's got the upper hand? You guessed it. Yasur picked their heads up, carried Scout to the challenges, and won them both. It was a big victory, not only for Yasur, but for intergender, interracial relationships, all throughout the Yasur tribe, especially with Rory (Oops, I'm sorry. Did I get some sarcasm on you?) Ami showed her hand to Rory. Probably couldn't have happened at a better time considering Ami, the uber-female, is going to ride out this Girl Power trip to the bitter end. She's like Hitler, if Hitler could make a damn fine cup o' Joe.

Sarge: Rules of engagement are basic military knowledge. You should have shot down the weaker shooters' tiles first, and kept yourself in as long as you could. I know your besmirched with the lovely thoughts of Twila dancing through your head, but snap out of it, man.

Chad: If you honestly think that this wasn't a numbers game, wait til you merge. You'll be counting guys leaving if you're not careful. Does that metal leg double as a torch snuffer? ZING!

Chris: You blew your credibility when you couldn't keep balanced in challenge #1. Noone wants to listen to you. Just keep voting the way Sarge tells you until your usefulness runs out.

Julie: It's about damn time you started talking about getting shafted. I wasn't sure you knew how this game was played for a second there. Kudos to you for outwitting Twila, the village idiot. I can't really make fun of you though. You're playing the hell outta the game right now. Just keep sun-bathing is my only request.

Twila: Sweetie, you're an idiot. You're the Lopevi joke. You know that saying if everyone laughs at the joke except you, it's probably ABOUT you. Well, either start laughing, or leave quietly.

Scout: You won two contests this time. I'm not talking about the challenges. You won the "Who can ride the coat tails longest" contest thanks to Jon leaving, and you won the "Biggest pile of human feces" contest once the Lopevi tribe's steak and eggs remnants finally biodegraded. Congrats. You must make your family proud.

Ami: I'm sorry about whatever it is the guy in your past did to you to make you so bitter towards men, but let that crap go. You biggest asset is your mouth. You're always vocal about how you feel. Which is why I hope someone eventually punches you in it.

Leann: Ami's gonna take you down with her. Flee now before she sucks out your will to live.

Eliza: Way to not do anything this week that brought moutains of attention to you. God job. And yes, I did notice that you didn't cry once this episode. My little Eliza is growing up. Whatever you had that made you stutter like an idiot last week, I think Rory's got it now.

Jon: All you had to do was NOT BOND WITH THE WOMEN, you labido-driven fool. You never had a chance with her. That note that I gave you, the one where Julie checked "YES" box on your "do you like me?" note? I wrote that. You're such a sucker. But yeah, those were some nice boobies. Man, you shoulda touched them

Anywho, this is the Ninja saying....nothing. Ninjas would never talk to you. You're not THAT cool.

Tune in next week when:
1) Chad stops counting his buddies on his toes and starts using his fingers, finally realizing he's outnumbered by women.
2) Ami slips up and tells everyone about her life before "the operation".
3) Rory finally is taught to understand the beauty of womenhood, and is accepted by the entire Yasur tribe, only to rip a coffee fart, and get voted off. Eliza cries and blames herself.

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 6 recap

2004-10-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

Leave it to a black man on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere to find him some crack. ZING!!!

Week 6, here we go...

In hindsight of the way he treated the two guys on Yasur last week, Jeff brainstormed with the producers and the challenge makers to come up with a way for the ladies to regret getting rid of Bubba: Pig wrangling. If I were to guess that any one survivor had chased and caught a pig before, my money is on Bubba. This would have been huge for the Yasur tribe. This could have turned the tide for Yasur in a big way. Alas, no one saw an orange picture of Bob Barker swiftly scooping up pigs like nobody's business. For Rupert's sake, even Twila got her a squealer (his name is Chirs).

Again this week, terrible reward. Yes, I agree that protein is very important in anyone's diet. When your stuck on an island with every poop you've had for the last 30 +/- days, a huge plate of steak and eggs just creates problems. I didn't even mention the fact that there will be a substantial ammount of flammible gases hanging over the Lapevi camp on a volcanic island. The next eruption could be there last.

Immunity challenge was some of the same. Bubba would have been an asset, but's he's too dumb to survive. The ladies came up short. Rory again gave 110% like he always says he does. Well, it was a little more like 108.74% but we'll let him round up. You earned it, buddy.

Rory: I'm gonna give you insight into the white mind. First off, 5 white women in a group will be scared when a black man approaches, it's natural. Take this in stride. When 5 white women hear a black man say things like "crack" and "slave", again you're gonna freak some people out. These phrases should be avoided at all costs, for fear of you waking up on a beach by yourself. Aside from that, you should have left you pity pot at the Lapevi camp. Jon might need it next week.

Scout: You have nothing to fall back on. You've rode coat tails thus far. You're going home next week. Nothing cute to say about you, no jokes, nothing. Just leave quietly.

Sarge: TWILA...IN A DRESS!?!?!?!? Somebody get medical over here. Sarge got a bad steak, sun poisoning, or something. All this leading has gotten the best of him. Plus, he's messing with Chris' girl here. Sarge, a marine you may be, but don't mess with the white trash's girl. Those guys go crazy when they fight you with like bottles and biting and junk. Man, you better watch your leather neck, Sarge.

Chris: Ok, now calm down. Sarge didn't mean it. He's under a lot of pressure, that's all. Just eat your steak and everything will work itself out in the morning. No, no, no that wasn't Twila on Sarge's shoulders, it was, um, Jon, yeah that's it, Jon. It just looked funny with the sun coming in at this angle. Let's go over here for a little bit and find some Rory fruit.

Twila: Playing the field, I hear ya. I think you found you calling; guys on deserted islands. Some women dig lawyers, some doctors, some cowboys. You need to go after the one's who haven't interacted with women in a couple of weeks. They're ripe for the pickin'.

Julie: Nice blurs. Come on, CBS. Yeah, ok, I understand the "no nipple" policy, but you won't even let me see the side of the boob? Thanks a lot, Janet Jackson.

Nub (you know who you are): I think you should step up (no pun intended) and start taking a stand (no pun intended) as a leader of the group. You need to kick (no pun intended) the stereotypes and run circles (no pun intended) around the competition. If you don't, you won't have a le....do I really need to finish this sentence?

Lisa: You stuck to your word...you big dummy.

Eliza: Probably the biggest thing helping you out right now is the fact that women can't cohabitate a common space for an indefinite ammount of time without getting on each other's nerves. Your mid-challenge quitting had little to do with the vote, when it should have been more closely examined. Thank that old pirate in the sky Rupert, that Leann quit during an immunity challenge. That was in your favor, whether you knew it or not. By the way, next time your responsible for a failure, suck it up and move forward, don't sit there like a bumbling idiot trying to form sentences with nothing but vowels.

Leann: (see above statement, find parts relevant to you, remember it)

Jon: Again, keep your head down. One more vote and it's merge time. You've done well to avoid the vote of the majority, like a young, white Rory.

Well, that's all I got outta this week. Tune in next week when:

1) In a freak drunken accident, Twila accidentally marries Chris...and Sarge. She then finds her old yearbook, reads what Dah wrote her, and remember how good it truely was with him...
2) Eliza and Leann have a staring contest; both give up in the middle of it; both cry about it later.
3) Rory tries that nude sun-bathing trick over at Yasur. Ami complains, and Scout gets voted out for it.
4) Next week's reward challenge involves fixing a car; reward is Metamucil and Vodka

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 5 recap

2004-10-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

I'd like to call this episode, "Bubba's first and last earthquake".

Take 18 people. Put them on an tropical island. Make them find and purify their own water. Make them go through physical challenges almost everyday. How do we reward them? Let's dehydrate 'em with salty snack foods and alcohol!!

Welcome to week #5

Ok, I understand why Sarge could be chosen as the "chief" of Lepavi, but Scout? Am I taking crazy pills, or did they just elect the most useless, uninformed, waste of good water on their team? I don't get it. The only thing she's good for is a vote, unless the immunity challenge calls for a slow-moving contest, which I've yet to see.

My biggest problem this episode was with Jeff. Yes, Jeff the host.

Come on!!!. Ok, I can understand a little critique, but dammit Jeff, you flat out tattled on the Yasur boys. Rory, with his inability to untie knots, and Bubba, with his inability to row, was very inapporpriate. I mean, what happened to bros before hoes? Damn, you've changed Jeff. I don't think I can continue this relationship. I'll send over Rupert to get my stuff tomorrow morning.

Sarge: You did well. You stacked the most women and the weakest men on one team. Scout had to choose it because she would have been a target on the other one. Kudos to you. By the way, gold has no taste, so please don't describe food to anyone again, ever.

Twila: I knew if you hung in there, you'd find true love. Love, thy name is Chris. We never knew you were such a conversationalist, Twila. "laughs like Goofy, we both make roads. This old boy is cool, man." Note: laughs like Goofy is a phrase to describe the chuckling noise Goofy the Disney character makes when he talks. If you don't know what this sounds like, then let me be the first to welcome you to Earth, and may I suggest a trip to Orlando, FL?

Jon: Do the sexy math: Twila and Chris make 2 (gross). Sarge and Chad are married: 4. That leaves 2, you and Julie. Damn, if you had seen that coming, you'd have given here the immunity necklace, huh? It's all good though, you still have plenty of opportunity to score. I'd say at the most, lemme see, 3 days between councils times 2 women = 6 days. If you need more time, you'd better win immunity. We'll see how bad you want it.

Chris: You could drink two lifetimes worth of beer, and Twila would still be repulsive. If you plan on making a move, I would suggest 2 things:
1) blindfold (yet another Buff use)
2) plan a spot near an active volcano. The overwhelming smell of sulfuric fumes will help mask the fact you're with Twila, if only for a little while.

Bubba: A quick lesson on how sound works; sound travels in all directions, not just the person you're trying to TALK TO DURING AN IMMUNITY CHALLENGE. Can you hear me now? ZING! You could have talked to Chris right after you threw down your buffs, you could have talked to Chris at camp. You knew the merge was coming, but you picked, quite possibly, the worst time to discuss alliance ever.

Well, those are my thoughts, simple as they may be.
See you next week when:

- Through voodoo magic and volcanic radiation, Ami and Rory fuse together to form, Romi, the biggest bitch on the island
- Chris tries to make a move on Twila; both fall into a volcano
- Sarge writes a book on the island entitled, "Foods I Miss, and the Precious Metals that They Taste Like"
- Jon and Julie fall in love...with Dah, in a surprise twist.
- Scout will sit down somewhere, try to figure out how she's gonna win, fart, then take a nap, thus producing the only interesting footage of her for that week

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 4 recap

2004-10-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

Dah: the only winner this week on Survivor

Someone should have told him that giving 7 starving American women anything with sugar in it will get you anything you want. Even the promise of sugar will get you something. Thanks to Dah's serious-ass hunter-gatherer skills, the women are closer than ever. It just goes to show you that aging hippies, red-neck construction workers, and coffee baristas can coexist in harmony, just like the David Bowie song says.

Scout - Noone is polluting your environment, that's the smell of your rotting flesh holding the others back

Eliza - You voted the way you wanted to, and there's no shame in that. You did fine; don't let anyone else tell you differently. Oh, expect for the part where you made yourself look like an untrustworthy bitch. Other than that, you did fine.

Sarge - I think you're rank is going to your head. These people are not in the service, and you're not their first sergeant. Start acting like a survivor and less like a military puppet waiting for higher orders to get rid or Rory. Nobody will hold it against you if you decide to snake the alliance and jack him. Not like he'd be missed, and you'd still have the numbers.

Jon - Dude, you're a rat. I think the biggest shocker (although I should have seen it coming) is when you voted with "9 legs" and helped ditch Brady. Do you really think that vote is going to make the guys say, "Oh, you're with us? Oh, ok. I didn't know. Welcome aboard!"? No, they're going to boot you first chance they get. And to make matters worse, you're about to switch dance partners and possible get some of those women on your team that you didn't give immunity to. Good going, genius.
(Note: there was no way of Jon knowing that he was going to be switching tribes. But I like to make fun of people, and I ran out of things to make fun of him about, so back off)

Rory - I can't be mad at you. That challenge was totally unfair, and racist might I add. Why would they appoint you the "look-out" for a challenge based on dividing and keep seperate different colors? I would have been insulted if it were me. Then again, if I were you, I would be preoccupied with trying NOT to get voted out, so I guess I can't blame you. Between me and you Rory, don't poke at rocks for hours and call it fishing; it makes white people mad apparently.

Brady - You work for the FBI and you didn't even see that coming? Damn, I feel safer already. You should have known you were a target a) one of the 2 young guys left and, b) being more athletic than Jon. Second, you should have known that rat-boy was going to try and sell you out because "9 legs" saw you and him as a coin-toss. It could have been either one, but he fought harder to get you out. Yeah, you're in the FBI alright, if it's For Big Idiots. ZING!!!
(Note: Zings will become a part of every week's review, because I can; so there)

Travis - Yes, family is important, but you're forgetting one thing: there's no jury yet. You have to wait until people are watching so they can see you cry and be "down to earth". That's what gets you the prize, buddy. Wasting tears all over your good Bob Barker shirt is not gonna win you that million. Suck it up, and practice that routine for when eyes are on you.

Chris - Why am I still looking at you? You should have been gone a long time ago. The only thing you have going for you is your age. The fact that it's closer to the older guys than the younger guys is the ONLY thing that has keep you here. You're uninteresting to talk to, I haven't seen you do much work around camp, and you have to be carried through challenges. In other words, you'll probably end up winning the whole thing.

Well, all bets are off as they switch members next week. I don't think they'll merge this earlier, but they arte going to break up the alliances in order to give the younger folks a shot at the $1 million. See you next week when:

1) Rory complains about something, then goes to poke rocks with stick for relaxation.
2) Dah proposes to Twila, and they have little tree-climbing babies with mullets.
3) Sarge snaps and tells everyone about his "reassignment" surgery
4) After hearing Sarge confess, Twila does the same thing, and Dah kills himself in a rage of passion and confusion.

(I apologize that it's so late in the day; I had to think of material without using boobs jokes. It was harder than I thought.)

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 3 recap

2004-10-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

Eliza, good job. We finally learned your name this episode. Unfortunately, it is now associated with all things wishy-washy. What were you thinking? I don't know if the producers told you this, but there ARE cameras recording you every move. How can you sit with the anti-Dolly coalition and try to beg for someone's trust, then go to the pro-Dolly faction, and do the same thing, WITH EVERYONE WATCHING YOU. You were one step short of offering carnal pleasures for that immunity necklace (Jon, I was rooting for you), and quite frankly, it would have changed the meaning of "reward" challenge for a lot of the guys watching.

Twila, you also had a moment. It seemed like you had atoned for past discretions with the "young 'ens" (the "sorority girls"sounds much better; leave it the redneck to create a label that sticks). Again, amazing similarity, not only in physique, but in attitude to Alicia from Survivors past. Very interesting. Has Alicia gone through surgical procedures to fool the producers and try yet again for the prize? All I can say is if you do let the younger girls braid your hair, you will look even more like Alicia. Bad idea.

Sarge, you have disappointed me. Rory, or "Royry" as he is affectionately known by the phonetically challenged, is a lump of crap. A bitching, moaning, Vitamin-C gathering lump of crap. "Wow, fruit. Thanks, Rory. Um, could you show me where you got these before tribal council? Oh, no reason in particular. Thanks buddy." And then the hammer fell. J.P. Young, vibrate, creepy looking in the face, he felt the wrath of an alliance scorned. Sarge took it personal that J.P. would threaten a member of his alliance, the "9 legs" as I like to call them (think about it). Why in the ever living hell would you want to get rid of the guy who's not a pile of human feces? I don't know all the rules, but are you allowed to bring common sense as a luxury item? ZING!!!

Amy, nice boobs, and by boobs I mean immunity necklace, and by nice I mean I like the way your chest looks.

I guess that's it for this week. Tune in next week where:
1) Twila will have corn-rows
2) Rory will bitch about something on his way to get his torch snuffed
3) Eliza will side with a hermit crab over Scout and cause more mayhem
4) Sarge yells during a challenge, again
5) Somebody's T-shirt will fit a little tight (giggle, giggle) and I hope it's Bubba

Survivor: Vanuatu episode 2 recap

2004-09-24T07:38:00.000-07:00

Hello...I mean...Goodbye Dolly

What was she thinking? Famous last words: "I'm the deciding vote."
Ewe(you) dumbass!!! Yeah, a sheep joke, I did it. Seruiously, has she ever seen the show before? Has she ever meet Christie from Season 6 (the deaf girl)? You don't anger the Survivor gods by saying stuff like that. It's a death warrent, every single time. All she had to do was say, "I don't know who I'm voting for, Jeff." That's all it would have took for her to still be in the game. A simple "Duh, what?" would have also been acceptable. Anything, ANYTHING except those fatal words.

Ok, enough with her. The only reason I remembered her name is because she's a sheep farmer. Speaking of sheep, what's with all the rednecks this season? Bubba, we know by your accent that from the south, but when you say stuff like, "It was raining like pouring piss outta a boot on a flat rock." WHAT?!??!?! Did he just say what I thought he said? That's insane. Big Tom, he ain't.

Twila, Twila, Twila. What the hell? Ok, we get it, you'll eat grubs. Just do it and shut up. Yeahm we get it, you're good at manual labor. Again, just do it and shut up. Seeing as how you're the most manly lady survivor to date (debatable - too close with Alicia), you should feminize a bit. You think that in a merge situation you'll be seen as more of or less of a threat if you lady it up? No dude is gonna bring you along for the ride if you look like just another dude. You're physical, but not fit. You've got a bull's eye on your back that will only be revealed when you have finished paving the driveway for the girl's 2-story beachfront condo you're building for them.

Sarge - Much love. You did well on the immunity challenge. I prayed the night before to my Lord and savior, Rupert the Pirate, for you guys to have safe passage from Tribal. Forget the spirit rock, you need a loc of Rupert's beard on that pole (as if he'd ever cut it).

Scout - You're an idiot who has no control whatsoever of the situation. Curl up in fetal position and pray you don't get voted out as well.

Black guy - Be less of a black guy. Nobody owes you any reperations on this island, so quit bitching when you don't like how things are going. Girl get excited when they beat guys in stuff...deal. It doesn't happen very often that we allow women to exceed our own greatness, or at least make them think that (wink,wink).

Chris - um, sweet pony tail

Bubba - the next time any of the young guys confronts you in the woods and gives you an eerie Matt (season 6) stare, you walk away. You walk the hell away.

To the other whose names I haven't commited to memory:
Guys - Keep your heads up
Ladies - you have very lovely boobies, all of you.
I have to say that the Coffee Barista is looking very perky. Get it? Coffee? Perky? Her boobies are nice?

Forget it, that's all I have to say...