Survivor: Vanuatu finale recap

It's just like my mom told me when I was a kid, "There are two certain ways to make a million dollars; you can study real hard and become a doctor, or bulls#!t a lot and be a highway construction worker."

Mom didn't say much, but when she did, she was usually right on.

Week #14; it's all over but the crying...

Well, ugliness comes in all forms and Scouts, I mean, shapes. The last tribal council was one of the ugliest I've seen in a while. Some were hurt, others upset, but most certainly all in disbelief as the construction crew prevailed and went mano y mano for the million. Eliza and Scout were easy targets. Eliza wishy-washied her way into the final 4, and Scout quietly left after the second round of "Who's the biggest loser?" After the dust settled, there was to be one road paved to the purse, and who better to pave that road than those two.

Chris began with the famous, "I played the best game" song and dance, where as Twila went the other way with "I'm sorry I lied, but you did too" defense. Both have been proven winners in the past. A trained eye could tell that these two had practiced their speeches months before they even came on the island, doing hours of research on past seasons, reading the reviews online, and formulating equations that would help them win. Like Kaspov vs. Deep Blue, this was clearly a battle of wits and complex thinking...and bulls#!ting. Lots of bulls#!ting.

The jury was equally as intellectual as the terrible 2 (not that they are terrible people, it's just terrible that they're considered the best of Survivor until next season.). Rupert would be spinning in his grave if he was even capable of dying, and, did in fact, die. The meanies were Ami, Eliza, and Sarge, all equally bitter at their own demise. Ami, in all her self-righteous bulls#!t, showed forgiveness as she trandescended above the meager thought of personal gain through trickery and deceipt, and showed everyone that she is even more of a colossal bitch than everyone originally thought. She is the epitome of a bad loser, and should rot in Hell for her smugness. On a final note, how did such lovely boobs get cursed enough to be stuck to that beaver face? My favorite shots of her in Playboy involved her spread-eagle gnawing on a log, and a bent-over-from-behind shot of her building a dam. It was like Zoo Books for adults.WILD KINGDOM ZING!!!

Some folks were not as bitter as they were hurt. Enter the "little sister". Julie's emotional display was not uncalled for, nor was it inappropriate. The only thing I could say was wrong, or "Oh no you didn't" was when they were on the "spooky" forbidden island, looking at everyone's torches, and she stated that she should be careful what she exposed to people, and then they showed her sun-bathing nude on the beach. One word: Classic. Way to go, Survivor. Trivialize the one serious moment that you've had all season with a reminder off all the skin we didn't get to see. You jerks.

In the end, Chris is a bulls#!ter, and Twila is a cold bitch. The vote could have gone either way. Chris' influence on the women's alliance was finally realized when the 5-2 vote went in favor of the unbalanced, ponytailed surprise. He showed sportsmanship and chivalry as he jumped up, screamed, pumped his fists, yelled some more, turned to Twila, gave her a hug, and yelped a " F@%KIN A!" as he ran to his family and fiance. It's a good thing that the vote isn't based on their hair, because Twila had the LPGA mullet thing going, and I think I saw Ami and Scout leaned toward each other saying, "I knew it all along." Man, survivors come and survivors go, but weigh is here to stay. Just about everyone got fat again. Good for some (Beaver Face), and bad for others (Chris had no chin). Chris should have kept his attempt to be more Rupert-like a.k.a. his beard. It defined his face, and made him look less like a douchebag, which is saying a lot for him.

Aside from awkward "What are you doing now?" questions for the non-jury losers, and the forbidden island, torch rememberance ritual, the finale was pretty good. I think that the people who didn't make the jury shouldn't be let back to the reunion. It's like a slap in the face. You don't care about them, you don't want to know what they've been doing to milk the Survivor fame, and you don't care about how many sheep they have. It's like bringing all the gold medalists from the Olympics together to talk, then bringing one high jumper from Russia who got 16th place in the first heat and never advanced to sit with them and make comments in case something relevant comes up to which they can contribute. How embaressing.

Eliza: You're a moron. He dogged you because he knew you're hatred of Twila was greater than your hatred of being lied to. You did exactly what he wanted you to do.

Scout: see above, replace "hatred of Twila" with "you're a useless old lady who should die shortly after the finale episode". Close enough

Twila: You did your best. Who in the hell compared your "I swear on my son's name" remark to Johnny Fairplay faking a dead grandmother? WTF? Was this season that boring that Jeff has to reach for any controversy he can? Have you no shame, Mr. Probst? I guess not.

Chris: How did you do that? No, seirously, how in the Hell did you do that? The greatest Survivor mystery to date. Chris wins the million. He'll spend it all on beer and Kool cigarettes with a month. Freakin' neck!

Jeff: Yeah, Jeff. I haven't talked to you much this season, but you had the best Survivor moment to date. SKYDIVING!?!?!? You're freakin' awesome. I didn't think anything could top that Jet-Ski ride across the Atlantic after Pearl Islands, but I was wrong. With Vote Jar in tote, he slashes his way through the thick jungle brush. "Wait Jeff, aren't you taking Dah with you? You'll need someone to guide you." "I have the jar., Jeff replied, "It has to get to L.A." "We understand Jeff. God speed, Jeff."

Alone in the night, slashing for hours to make it to his next stop. A weary, almost lifeless Jeff stumbles onto the airstrip. "I have to get this to L.A." He moans, as all his strength is being used for the iron grip he has on the Vote Jar. The pilot, understanding that he may not last the trip, carried him aboard, and flies off without a fear. After a brief stop in Hawaii, The final leg begins towards the U.S. Jeff, finally regaining the strength to speak somewhere over the Pacific tells the pilot, "We don't have time to land. I have to do this alone." The pilot, teary-eyed, nods his head, and begins his descent to the predeteremined "unloading" altitude. With a final check of his gear, and the Jar securely placed in a bag (that is seen no where on Jeff's person as he's skydiving), Jeff makes his way to the door of the plane with what little strength he has left. "Let's do this thing!" Is all the the pilot heard as he released the door to Jeff's last leg. Jeff says a little prayer, salutes the American Flag, then jumps fearlessly into the air. Tumbling a million (maybe not this much) miles towards the Earth, he realizes his chute isn't opening. With his quick thinking, he fastens his buff into a rip cord, and finally releases his chute, slowing his descent to his strategically placed motorcycle with optional Vote Jar clamp, ready to ride. It was indeed one of Jeff's greatest Survivor moments. It's safe to say he should have run for President.

Well, I'm a little emotional after recalling the trials and tribulations Jeff had to go through just so all of you out there could sit on your collective fat asses and wait for the vote to show up in L.A. You had no idea what it took to get those votes back to the studio, did you? Well, now you can appreciate Jeff a little more each season for his contribution to the show. I'm finished with this. It's over. Go on with your lives (until next season). Keep looking at the blog for updates and anything I hear about next season: Survivor Poula (Paolu, Paula, whatever). If you liked what you've read this season, you can send me an e-mail to survivorninja@hotmail.com . I want feedback on anything you loved, liked, hated, or just plain loathed this season. Any input is welcome, positive or negative. I will ignore them all, as equals! Seriously, without people like you reading this blog, I'm only typing it for myself, which is sad.

Tune in next season when:
1) Somebody will definitely say one of the forbidden phrases and get voted off (I'll bet money on it)
2) There will be a black, one-legged, aging hippie, ex-drill sargeant lesbian highway construction worker who noone will like, but nobody really hates her, either.
3) Dah returns to his tribe,where he is appointed chief, tries to make peace between tribes, is buried alive, and his name become taboo, much to the demise of Twila's new twins, Dah and Dahla
4) I get pissed at one episode and swear to never write this again. I quickly change my mind afterwards, and we kiss and make up.

See ya next season, SUCKAS!!!!