Survivor: Vanuatu episode 12 recap

See Ami.

See Ami Scramble.

Scramble, Ami, Scramble.

Week #12... better than nothing.

Well, as we step ever slowly toward the finale of this mediocre season, I have the realization that the final 4 will be composed entirely of lumps of crap. There's not one interesting person left in this game. Maybe Julie, but she stopped talking to us after she voted Sarge out. The important thing is that the man-hating puppets have been disbanded by what now looks like the Island of Misfit Toys. There's not one person that I can look at for more than a minute that I say to myself, "I feel so bad for him/her. They have to live every day of their lives like that." Please send all your loose change, paper money, beer, or new porno to: The Survivor Ninja Misfit Cast Fund c/o Turtlepower@hotmail.com (yeah, I was a Turtle fan. It began my love of the ninja, and pizza, and rats).

Reward was the dreaded better-than-a-trip-to-a-day-spa-because-you-keep-it-when-you-leave challenge, where contestants fight to the death for whatever car the sponsors wanna try and sell to the families of the people on the show (They're the only ones watching). Thanks to her new rail form, making her very hydrodynamic (or is it anemic). Eliza drove away in the G6, and car that has 3 sunroofs put together to make one big sunroof, and a remote start, a feature that only royalty, movie stars, and anyone with $200 can obtain. For those not paying attention, 3 little sunroof will beat up any regular sized sunroof. Like midgets vs. regular people. Three midgets stacked up will kick anyone's ass, except for 4 midgets stacked up, but then we get into international law and not the strict 3-midget US laws, so it's another story for another day. But I digress... (note: I've digressed twice in the last 2 reviews. Ninja don't normally digress, but who's gonna tell a ninja that to his face? Not you, freaknut! That's who.)

Immunity challenge gave everyone with an arm a fair advantage. Thank Rupert that the challenge did not involve anything having to do with physical prowess or strength, because Ami would have taken it again. Instead, it involved shuffleboard. Scout was sure to be good at this (she's really old). But to everyone's surprise, even Chris', Chris won immunity. He was pumping his fists and cheering like he had just beat Ami in an arm wrestling contest, which in all honesty, would never happen. He wasn't on the chopping block this time around, but it never hurts to be sure.

Ami scrambled like she was getting paid for it. She tried to sucker Eliza into a guilt trip, but to no avail. Eliza held strong (the fake tears was a little much; you knew she was going home) and Ami went home, leaving Julie to fend of the wolves, so long as Twila can quit acting like she's running the show. Scout is doing what she has done. She's sitting down with her mouth shut, staying out of the way, trying to coast into the final 3 or 2. Probably get there, too, the way these morons are playing.

Twila - Sweetie, you're not a leader, and you're not a follower. Don't think I haven't noticed that you have been talking to people while holding a machete. Smart move on your part.

Chris - Good job out there. Too bad you're a huge puss who should be watching from home instead of in the middle of the action. If you would have had a fear of getting voted off on that first challenge, then maybe you would have moved like you did last night.

Eliza - Shoulder blades, ew. Besides that, you're doing good. Don't get cocky. The only thing worse than a cocky survivor, is a cocky survivor who just won a car. You're a target; congrats on your ride!

Scout - I hope your leg breaks clean off. No reason, I just hope it does. And for clarification purposes, you couldn't beat these folks with your body from 37 years ago, much less 7 years ago.

Julie - Doing fine, just do what they want and let them self-destruct. Keep working your magic, and immunity wouldn't hurt either. You backed a loser, and they all know it.

Ami - You're the biggest loser I've ever met. It's folks like you that make Saddam look like a saint. You're not that attractive. With a face like that, I half expected you to gnaw through the firewood. zing! (lower-case because it wasn't very strong). Couldn't at least taken Scout with you. Just tell her to follow you. She'd buy it, she's old. She doesn't know what's going on.

THIS JUST IN - SPECIAL SURVIVOR ANNOUNCEMENT - THIS JUST IN

Her loss is your gain. Please visit http://forum.realityfanforum.com/index.php?topic=3398.msg39578 to see Ami nekkid. That's right, folks. When CBS shows you "Coffee Barista / Model", they mean "Coffee Barista / Nekkid Lady". Apparently, Ami used to be a Venus Swimwear model. Well, as luck (depending on who you are) would have it, Playboy did a shoot with them back in 1996, and our girl Ami is not in a buff, but in the buff. NAKED ZING! Please donate to the site if you can. It helps boys become men with its pubic, I mean, public services. Thanks to ShaDel for bringing this to my attention. You have the debt of a ninja. Between you and me, I could only look at those pictures with face covered. She really has a hideous head.

That's all for this week. I walked away a little happier (not just because of the nekkidness, pervs!) Tune in next week when:
1) Pictures of Scout surface in a 1918 National Geographic. 15 people die, 47 injured.
2) Eliza loses more weight, and you can actually see where she has no spine.
3) Dah is seen driving away in someone's new G6. Sorry, Eliza! ( Har Har!)
4) Pictures of Scout surface in a 1902 Car and Driver, featuring the Brand New Model-T. She was 38 at the time.
5) I find some nudes of Rory, for all the sexy ladies out there. My treat! (I don't know how to spell the sound for a dry heave, but rest assured, I am dry heaving)